incompatiblities & ending relationships (Full Version)

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chatterbox24 -> incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 4:12:09 AM)

I was reflecting back to my past relationship with my dom. Thinking of some of the things that drove me completely batty and I never did understand.
Some examples.
We didn't see each other very often, generally once a month, and never more then every two weeks. I remember visiting and looking on the counter, and seeing a can of cat food. I asked " Do you have a cat?" He said " Yes" I said "Awww really, can I see her or know her name?" and he said " No and No" I thought he was joking but he never told me the cats name nor let me see her. She did exist though, because she snuck out right before I left. He had had her several months.
Since we didn't see each other often, we would talk on text briefly almost daily. I told him what I had been doing for the day, and asked him "What are you doing?" He said "reading" I asked what he was reading about, and there was silence. He never did answer. This was a typical thing, I would indulge him in his many questions, but he was not so forth coming. Anything remotely personal was ignored.
We had other pretty major incompatibilities, but the HIM wanting to know my everyday living, and his remaining a mystery was the straw that broke the camels back.
Does anyone want to share the one major thing that drove you to end a relationship?



Charles6682 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 4:23:17 AM)

Actually,I can relate to this thread.I know for me, I am a better "hands on" submissive. Meaning that I need a Domme that responds to me more than once a month. I am not a clingy sub though. I like my space and I respect my Dommes space too. We're all humans first. If it just seem's to be a one way conversation,then I think it's time to reconsider the option's.



chatterbox24 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 4:31:21 AM)

The physical presence of once or twice a month was actually okay for me. I did ask myself if I was "Clingy" but since he initiated contact I never felt clingy. There were times I would purposely not be available, because over time if someone doesn't want to share next to nothing with you, you feel invaluable. Soon, he would be looking for me, if I wasn't around. I came to realize sharing experiences and stories mutually was very important to me, along with other things. But this above all really made the call for me.



myotherself -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 6:15:56 AM)

I started seeing this guy who lived a couple of hours drive away. Although we only got to see each other every 2 or 3 weeks, it was fine. When we were getting to know each other, before we actually met, we chatted every day online. Then we met, and after a couple of weeks he was online maybe once or twice a week.

I tried to set up a schedule so that we could both agree to be online for a period of time a few times a week. He agreed to the schedule, then went AWOL for weeks at a time. So I dumped him.

Fast forward 6 months and he contacts me again. Wants to try again. Understands what went wrong, and wants to put it right. Stupidly, I agree.

So we agree to chat 2 nights a week. He turns up for both. Yay! He arranges to come see me that friday. I get a text saying he had to work. I knew that was a possibility, so no biggie. He promises to text or call the next day. And that was the last I heard from him by phone or text or on the computer for 8 WEEKS.

Then he contacted me again online, said work and family (he's a single dad with a couple of kids) got in the way but now he's got more time, let's hook up. No major life-changing events, just busy and too tired to talk to me. I showed him the same courtesy he showed me. I waited 8 weeks before I told him he was dumped and, by the way, I was dating someone else.




MissKittyDeVine -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 6:23:30 AM)

Perhaps he thought playing Mr Mystery and refusing to answer your questions was what constituted being Dommly.

Myotherself - nicely done.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

I was reflecting back to my past relationship with my dom. Thinking of some of the things that drove me completely batty and I never did understand.
Some examples.
We didn't see each other very often, generally once a month, and never more then every two weeks. I remember visiting and looking on the counter, and seeing a can of cat food. I asked " Do you have a cat?" He said " Yes" I said "Awww really, can I see her or know her name?" and he said " No and No" I thought he was joking but he never told me the cats name nor let me see her. She did exist though, because she snuck out right before I left. He had had her several months.
Since we didn't see each other often, we would talk on text briefly almost daily. I told him what I had been doing for the day, and asked him "What are you doing?" He said "reading" I asked what he was reading about, and there was silence. He never did answer. This was a typical thing, I would indulge him in his many questions, but he was not so forth coming. Anything remotely personal was ignored.
We had other pretty major incompatibilities, but the HIM wanting to know my everyday living, and his remaining a mystery was the straw that broke the camels back.
Does anyone want to share the one major thing that drove you to end a relationship?




chatterbox24 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 6:29:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I started seeing this guy who lived a couple of hours drive away. Although we only got to see each other every 2 or 3 weeks, it was fine. When we were getting to know each other, before we actually met, we chatted every day online. Then we met, and after a couple of weeks he was online maybe once or twice a week.

I tried to set up a schedule so that we could both agree to be online for a period of time a few times a week. He agreed to the schedule, then went AWOL for weeks at a time. So I dumped him.

Fast forward 6 months and he contacts me again. Wants to try again. Understands what went wrong, and wants to put it right. Stupidly, I agree.

So we agree to chat 2 nights a week. He turns up for both. Yay! He arranges to come see me that friday. I get a text saying he had to work. I knew that was a possibility, so no biggie. He promises to text or call the next day. And that was the last I heard from him by phone or text or on the computer for 8 WEEKS.

Then he contacted me again online, said work and family (he's a single dad with a couple of kids) got in the way but now he's got more time, let's hook up. No major life-changing events, just busy and too tired to talk to me. I showed him the same courtesy he showed me. I waited 8 weeks before I told him he was dumped and, by the way, I was dating someone else.




Ha! Datta girl! I have to say, how much time does a "Im thinking of you, I want you to know that, but Im to pooped to party" take? Complete disregard, and a good indicator of any future.



littlewonder -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 7:00:22 AM)

First, it sounds like your "Dom" was just the guy looking for a regular timed booty call and that was you. That is why he never told you anything personal about you or met you very often. You were just fresh meat. Plus you are married. He knew nothing serious would ever come out of you and him and thus he kept his distance.

Second, he cheated. Pure and simple. There were other reasons that eventually though that would have lead to our breakup had it not been that. He would sit on his computer 24/7 literally, skip work regularly, just to watch porn all day online. He also did not understand or even TRY to understand or help me with my depression. It's hard being in a relationship with someone who just write it off as you being crazy. Plus, a big one right here, he and my daughter absolutely hated one another. They did not get along at all. No matter how I tried to make it work between those two, it just seemed to make it worse.

Thankfully now I have a Master who loves and adores me, helps me with my depression even if he doesn't understand it completely but he tries, and he and my daughter like each other a lot even though he gets annoyed with her the same as I do with some of the stuff she does. [;)]



kalikshama -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 7:15:34 AM)

chatterbox, I strongly suggest you read Attached, which was available at my library, and avoid Avoidant types.



tj444 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 7:27:54 AM)

the one and only "Dom" I had was like that, he wouldnt answer many of my questions.. it was frustrating cuz I base decisions on what is going on and what i know.. keeping me in the dark about stuff doesnt mean I wont eventually find out.. he lied to me about seeing other women, when I found out (for sure) I never contacted him again.. But that experience is why i have backed off from the whole D/s thing and decided i want a more equal relationship.. Imo he was insecure and just used D/s to make things easier for him (using it to avoid questions & whatever else he wanted to avoid), I know he wasnt much of a Dom but I still wont give myself to someone in that way again.. I want a happy uncomplicated relationship with give and take, not a one-way street..



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 8:24:26 AM)

FR

Mine doesn't count for much since this was a relationship I had at 18, but we broke up because she wanted me to be the only thing in her life, and expected me to feel the same. Even then I knew it was unhealthy not to have other friends and interests. She proved me right after we broke up by showing up at a lunch I was having with friends and dramatically displaying (very mild) cuts to her wrists which I had 'made her do'.



Missokyst -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 9:08:54 AM)

Not enough contact was a hurdle I could not overcome with my gentleman from the bay area. The He-man guy and I had great chemistry and lots of online communication but he lived 3.5 + drive from me and going there every weekend proved to be too much. I guess I did not have enough invested in him to deal with the hassle of traffic through SF. It was quite a contrast to my first love with whom I had an on and off relationship with for years as he was in the Navy and overseas and I was in the states with my family.



chatterbox24 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 9:13:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Not enough contact was a hurdle I could not overcome with my gentleman from the bay area. The He-man guy and I had great chemistry and lots of online communication but he lived 3.5 + drive from me and going there every weekend proved to be too much. I guess I did not have enough invested in him to deal with the hassle of traffic through SF. It was quite a contrast to my first love with whom I had an on and off relationship with for years as he was in the Navy and overseas and I was in the states with my family.


He could have drove to you too, right? That's the way I would have felt about it if he hadn't offered.



LittleGirlHeart -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 9:19:46 AM)

He was a mommy's boy lived with his parents, which I didn't mind by itself, living there not the mommy boy thing, and his mom was a meddlesome woman who'd never butt the hell out.



chatterbox24 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 9:30:39 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

FR

Mine doesn't count for much since this was a relationship I had at 18, but we broke up because she wanted me to be the only thing in her life, and expected me to feel the same. Even then I knew it was unhealthy not to have other friends and interests. She proved me right after we broke up by showing up at a lunch I was having with friends and dramatically displaying (very mild) cuts to her wrists which I had 'made her do'.


I think it counts, whether its yesterday or the first experience. Everything leads to our growth and individuality. It also shapes us into viewing people and relationships in different ways whether good or bad.That goes with if someone else thinks your reason for ending things is stupid too. IT matters if it matters to you, not one other person has to agree. That last part really wasn't posted for you Athenasurrenders, I thought I'd just throw it in there. LOL. I like to chatter.



sexyred1 -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 9:41:38 AM)

My recent ex was non communicative, would not answer questions, everyone in my family and my friends hated him, was not there for me for major life events, lied and cheated. He did not start off like that, but developed into that over the course of 10 years.

Why did I still see him for so long you ask?

I thought I loved him and he loved me. The physical chemistry was seriously off the charts and I was a complete idiot about him. We broke up many many times, dated others and then would see each other again.

Finally I woke up when I heard: "But baby, I love you more than anything, I cannot live without you" one time too many and FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY decided I would never again listen to words that had no actions to back them up.



TieMeInKnottss -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 10:21:36 AM)

Been there, done that...totally understand.



LadyPact -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 10:27:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Mine doesn't count for much since this was a relationship I had at 18, but we broke up because she wanted me to be the only thing in her life, and expected me to feel the same. Even then I knew it was unhealthy not to have other friends and interests. She proved me right after we broke up by showing up at a lunch I was having with friends and dramatically displaying (very mild) cuts to her wrists which I had 'made her do'.

I think it counts. It can be a huge incompatibility when one person is social and has friends they want to spend time with and the other person doesn't have friends so they want your world to revolve around them. A lot of other problems can spring from that, especially if you are dealing with someone who doesn't know how to have healthy relationships. It's amazing some of the bad behaviors that can come from it.




AthenaSurrenders -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 10:47:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Mine doesn't count for much since this was a relationship I had at 18, but we broke up because she wanted me to be the only thing in her life, and expected me to feel the same. Even then I knew it was unhealthy not to have other friends and interests. She proved me right after we broke up by showing up at a lunch I was having with friends and dramatically displaying (very mild) cuts to her wrists which I had 'made her do'.

I think it counts. It can be a huge incompatibility when one person is social and has friends they want to spend time with and the other person doesn't have friends so they want your world to revolve around them. A lot of other problems can spring from that, especially if you are dealing with someone who doesn't know how to have healthy relationships. It's amazing some of the bad behaviors that can come from it.




She certainly didn't know how to have healthy relationships in any sense. I really sincerely hope she's grown up and learned from it and is now having successful relationships, because i think she will be the cause of her unhappiness if not.



Missokyst -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 11:02:40 AM)

The first few times he came to me but as I have family here, physical play was impossible unless we got a hotel room. It made more sense for me to drive that 3.5+ hrs to visit him and his already set up home. We spent a good 6 months getting to know eachohter from Match.com before we wanted to explore the BDSM aspect of our personalities in person.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Not enough contact was a hurdle I could not overcome with my gentleman from the bay area. The He-man guy and I had great chemistry and lots of online communication but he lived 3.5 + drive from me and going there every weekend proved to be too much. I guess I did not have enough invested in him to deal with the hassle of traffic through SF. It was quite a contrast to my first love with whom I had an on and off relationship with for years as he was in the Navy and overseas and I was in the states with my family.


He could have drove to you too, right? That's the way I would have felt about it if he hadn't offered.




NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: incompatiblities & ending relationships (5/25/2013 1:52:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
Does anyone want to share the one major thing that drove you to end a relationship?

When I was still a switch and with with my final Dom, he sexually assaulted a submissive I was getting to know. The Dom & I were living together and I came unglued on him when it happened. I told him "Get the fuck out. You have until the end of the month." That was two weeks away and he was gone in a week. Because of the nature of what he did, there was no negotiation, it was cut and dried.

NBMG



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