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Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:07:11 PM   
lalakitten


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline 		This is my very first time posting on this forum, and I am more than likely suffering the consequences...>___<
i should have gotten more help, asked more questions, before my heart became so deeply engraved with this man.

Let me say briefly, that I have only a few years experience/training in being a slave/pet, and only two different Masters.
The second is the one I am currently with, who I met in a vanilla-esque fashion, and eventually told about my submissive
lifestyle. He told me that he was more than willing to learn and gain a deeper understanding of being a dom(for it was his natural
assertiveness/control that attracted me), in order for us to establish a relationship....

what i did not specify, and He didn't know, is that I certainly can't teach him how to be a dominant!!
and the issue is that he is such a recluse, he is unwilling to even talk/chat with any other D/s's in the local
community OR through online chats and forums..

it really upsets me because i adore him, and his personality but i am not getting the structure/control/feelings of
protection and belonging that i need!

i did ask him to sit with me and talk about ALL of the above(i didn't leave anything out, promise!), and he seemed to be insulted. as if i was accusing him or blaming him for NOT being a 'know-it-all' of his role and how he should be with me. That was not what I meant it at all!

i'm thinking that i will be unable to continue this relationship, just because i feel so unfulfilled, and it's not fair to him either!
but i am so afraid of leaving, and of being alone. i can hardly handle being away from him due to the fact that we are unable to live together. so....i would like some feedback and advice, if anyone would be so kind. ^^


thanks!

xoxo,

a very confused little kitten.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:11:42 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		The only advice I have is that a circle can't fit into a square. You are both adults, talk about things, if it doesn't work. Part ways. There are a few great men on here that are looking I'm sure.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:25:20 PM   
MasterSadric


Posts: 25
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline 		A D/s relationship is just like any other, communication is key, and HOW you say something is as important as what you say.

What you might want to do is sit down and read some D/s literature together, and discuss what you do and do not like with him.

You stated that you yourself don't have that much experience, you can use this as an opportunity to expand BOTH of your horizons.

He sounds like he is a very private person, so the local community is probably not a good idea to even attempt.

Remember, even we Dominants have feelings, doubts and misgivings.

Search online for some stories that portray the kinds of activities and relationships you are looking to re-create, read it, then read it with him, and DISCUSS it afterwords.

Be honest, and get honest feedback from him as well

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:33:32 PM   
lalakitten


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you both for the good advice.

I am fairly new but I have read so many stories and literature on my own - I feel that I have a solid idea of what I seek and what I'm looking for.

The question is, will he be willing to participate with me?
I said to him, "I don't want you to want this for us, just because I need it in my life."

Some things he is very open to exploring, some things he is not..


It is important that I add that eventually I want to become a full time, live-in pet.
And maybe he is just into the scenes and casual play with a balanced vanilla lifestyle?

I am not sure yet..


(in reply to MasterSadric)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:35:25 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		It all boils down to "are you willing to stay and see?" If you truly care for this person, talk, communicate, be honest, work on things, and sacrifice. I'm sure there may be things he will have to sacrifice as well.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:45:50 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Being in a relationship and being unhappy and unfulfilled is not a better option than being alone.
Being unhappy in a relationship is sometimes one of the loneliest feelings.

I think that one needs to have a good relationship with one's self and truly belong to yourself before you can belong to anyone else.


As for communication skills, not all of us have innate abilities.
This might be useful: http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations .

Is your current partner also unwilling to read books?
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

I understand his reluctance to meeting people in the community but that he is also unwilling to consider the option of an online community makes me wonder if his reclusiveness is a manifestation of some sort of anxiety disorder, insecurity or anti-social tendencies.

Why are the two of you unable to live together?

What are you specifically wanting that you feel is missing?




_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 5:50:36 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lalakitten


I am fairly new but I have read so many stories and literature on my own - I feel that I have a solid idea of what I seek and what I'm looking for.




The problem with fiction is that while it can be great to get one all hot and bothered, it does not incorporate much of the messiness of reality.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 6:43:43 PM   
lalakitten


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline 		angelikaJ, I completely agree with an unhappy relationship being the loneliest feeling, and that is why I want to make sure that there isn't any "outside interference" going on with or within us.
I analyze my feelings, my thoughts, my actions on a daily basis - I've been doing that for years, and I'm sure I overdo it at times, so it gets a little confusing and crowded in my mind.

The NVC site you linked me to seems like a very helpful tool! I will be looking over it further later tonight.

We don't live together because he is still at home with his parents after the death of his fiance about two years ago(which has also caused me to wonder some things, too).
That will be changing sometime this October, so living together will be possible.

I don't think he's opposed to reading books, so perhaps we can find some things within that list to read together.
My instincts are telling me to stay and wait to see if we can work to create a deeper bond, but I'm afraid that I'll linger until I'm too "Stuck" and miserable to get out.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 7:59:08 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		First, you need to deal with your fear of being alone. That isn't healthy. You should be able to be content with yourself alone and not in a relationship.

Second, I have a feeling your approach to telling him might have been a bit off. Not in the "not submissive enough" way, but often when we are trying to communicate what we want/need, it can sometimes feel like an accusation. Try to use more "I" phrases as opposed to "you" phrases. For instance, don't say, "you need to provide me with more structure," say "I really would like it if our relationship involved more structure."

I don't think a fear of wanting to join online communities has anything to do with anxiety, insecurity or anti-social behavior. Even though he is introverted, do the two of you go out publicly?

Wanting to be a full time "pet" is all well and good, but "vanilla" life is always going to come into play in a relationship between two people that care about each other.

October is quite a few months away. Have you discussed living together at that time?

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 8:02:51 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Let me say briefly, that I have only a few years experience/training in being a slave/pet, and only two different Masters.
The second is the one I am currently with, who I met in a vanilla-esque fashion, and eventually told about my submissive
lifestyle. He told me that he was more than willing to learn and gain a deeper understanding of being a dom(for it was his natural
assertiveness/control that attracted me), in order for us to establish a relationship....

what i did not specify, and He didn't know, is that I certainly can't teach him how to be a dominant!!
and the issue is that he is such a recluse, he is unwilling to even talk/chat with any other D/s's in the local
community OR through online chats and forums..

He told you that he was willing to learn. He's not asking you, he's not chatting online, he's not meeting others. IS he learning? If so, how?

it really upsets me because i adore him, and his personality but i am not getting the structure/control/feelings of
protection and belonging that i need!

i did ask him to sit with me and talk about ALL of the above(i didn't leave anything out, promise!), and he seemed to be insulted. as if i was accusing him or blaming him for NOT being a 'know-it-all' of his role and how he should be with me. That was not what I meant it at all!

All relationships need regular discussions. He needs to grow up and accept that.

i'm thinking that i will be unable to continue this relationship, just because i feel so unfulfilled, and it's not fair to him either!
but i am so afraid of leaving, and of being alone. i can hardly handle being away from him due to the fact that we are unable to live together. so....i would like some feedback and advice, if anyone would be so kind. ^^

Staying in a relationship simply because you'd rather be in it than being alone is NOT good. Sounds like both of you are insecure.

We don't live together because he is still at home with his parents after the death of his fiance about two years ago(which has also caused me to wonder some things, too).
That will be changing sometime this October, so living together will be possible.

Makes no sense. His fiancee's death has nothing to do with living at home, unless he can't afford his own place without her income.

I have a bad feeling that that's an excuse for him to not have you over. Do you know that he's single? Do you only speak to him during work hours?

That "living at home" plus being afraid to show his face in the community may well mean he's cheating.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 8:44:13 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lalakitten

Thank you both for the good advice.

I am fairly new but I have read so many stories and literature on my own - I feel that I have a solid idea of what I seek and what I'm looking for.

The question is, will he be willing to participate with me?
I said to him, "I don't want you to want this for us, just because I need it in my life."

Some things he is very open to exploring, some things he is not..


It is important that I add that eventually I want to become a full time, live-in pet.
And maybe he is just into the scenes and casual play with a balanced vanilla lifestyle?

I am not sure yet..




You are very young and have time to develop relationships if this one does not work out. I will say this, I have been where you are, I had a wonderfully nice vanilla husband who tried like hell to be a Dom for me, but he failed at it because it just was not HIM. He felt awful about failing and inadequate and I felt horrible.

That was one thing that ended the marriage. I was afraid of being alone too. But then I met other people and then went into a new relationship, again with a vanilla guy who did end up becoming my Dom. But, he was not a good guy and I stayed with him way too long, again, because I was so into him and did not want to start over.

Now, I am alone and you know what? It is not that bad. Sometimes it is scary, sad, depressing, wondering if you will ver meet the right combination, other times, it just is.

You still have to live your life to the fullest.

Whatever you do, keep communicating and if he won't, well that is not a good sign. Remember, you cannot MAKE him a Dom if he is not one. You also cannot change anyone other than yourself.

I know this all sucks, but I have to come to believe you cannot get everything you want in one person, so I stopped expecting to.

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 8:58:43 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Haven't you blown him just to make him happy even though you didn't want to? Why does he have to want everything you do? Let him be a "service top" if he wants.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/25/2013 9:03:13 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		If you are trying to teach him to be a dom, or he isn't fulfilling your need as a dom, then maybe he isn't.


Write it down paper, the negative and the positive. Also, keep in mind the intensity of feelings, drive, inspiration, motivation and happiness you feel for the man. But no matter what, if the negative fair outweighs the positive, dump him.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/26/2013 1:04:22 AM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Great thoughts from good folks printed above. I have a couple horrible things to say.

1/ If that photo is real, you needn't worry much about being alone. You should instead worry about being with the wrong guy. Because that is a bad bad thing.

2/ I've noticed it's awfully difficult to get a new couch before getting rid of the old couch.

I told you it was horrible. You have to decide if it's true. I don't even know Fred.

More personally, meeting someone vanilla-esque fashion has never gotten me what I really want. And I'm 50.

I told you it was horrible. And I hope that hit harder than the other two.

Best wishes and commiserations.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/26/2013 6:16:13 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Learn HOW to say things.

You dont dominate me right ~ Blaming. YOU satement. Makes people defensive.

I need more domination from the man I adore ~ Asking for help. I statement.

It makes my cunt wet when you grab my hair and force me to my knees, can WE do thst more? Who wouldnt want to hear that?

(in reply to FrostedFlake)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/26/2013 2:04:42 PM   
lalakitten


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your thoughts and words of wisdom!

The good, bad and the ugly are all necessary, right?

I feel more confident about communicating with him and approaching him in a manner that doesn't make me sound like I've strayed from his side.
As many of you said, I am young and still have so much to learn, so only time and experience can tell.

I'm really glad I joined this site, AND chose to finally post in the forums..^^

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/26/2013 3:06:35 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Don't go away, tree are great topics to learn from and there are awesome ones that will crack you up.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/26/2013 8:03:47 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lalakitten

I'm really glad I joined this site, AND chose to finally post in the forums..^^


Now that's something we don't see from new folks all that often.

Welcome llk. Stick around, you will learn a lot and find that you can even help guide others along the way.

And like TDK says, have a lot of laughs too.

(in reply to lalakitten)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/26/2013 8:13:06 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Which is more important to you?

Him?

or the bdsm?


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Afraid to tell him I am not happy.. - 5/28/2013 1:42:02 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
It makes my cunt wet when you grab my hair and force me to my knees, can WE do thst more? Who wouldnt want to hear that?

Michael, can you give us more examples!!!!
I love to hear from a guy's perspective on how to word things to a man to make him do what you want.
That's a really good one I never thought of.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 20
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