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Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 1:19:55 PM

Avenseek

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/24/2013
Status: offline

I don't know if it's me or just the usual learning curve but being new to CM has been a lesson in futility. As a submissive woman, I am still a human being...I don't know what in my profile might portray me as anything other than that. For me, I believe the mental should proceed the physical but nearly every contact goes directly to the physical aspects. Even on the first meet and greets....right to the toys/likes/whatever. Should I be asked or expected to go without panties on a first date? I think you need to know me first. When I do submit, I'm surely going anyway we want to go. With everything I've got. Maybe I'm a prude, not submissive enough, on the wrong website? I don't really think so. I think I need to keep looking. I'm looking for some respect, some mental dominance and see where it goes.

Aven

Post #: 1

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 3:08:29 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Aven, there are a lot of - NOT all - guys on this site that slap the Dominant label on themselves & they're the "on your knees bitch now" type. I would just ignore them and move on. The problem is, those guys see you as fresh meat and they are the vultures. The BLOCK and DELETE buttons are your friends.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 2

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 3:30:15 PM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

What NBMG said, in abundance. The fact of the matter is, fresh meat is always spammed by the desperate guys, here and on all the dating sites. You do have a leg up on the male subs in that you're female. Your profile looks very good, the best I can say is to just ride it out until the right combination comes along. And standard declaration here: find the local scene-FL, alt papers, things like that. And patience. Nothing good happens right away (okay, sometimes it does, but that's the exception, not the rule). Stick to your guns on what YOU want and let the wankers walk on by. Best of luck to you.

PS: you have nice eyes.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 3:52:47 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Everyone has their own view of things, opinions, and differences on what they are searching for. Guy #1, who thinks you should call him Sir and (cyber) kneel upon him gracing you with his internet presence, isn't going to read your profile first to see if you agree with his views, he assumes you do. He's in this for self gratification, just like you. Guy #2 who wants true love and marriage, and wants to treat you like a treasure, may not read your profile either, or put any thought into contacting you, because you are a commodity on the internet- you exist for his gratification - albeit in a slightly different way.

It's not rocket science. For a more frustration free outlook on finding a kinky partner, accept the fact that everyone sees things differently, and you'll be approached by some you consider vile and disgusting, or weird, or just simply unsuitable. Yes, it's difficult finding another person that's on your wavelength, the only way through that difficulty is to stick with it and weed through the people that don't match what you want.

You seem to have a great handle on what you want, respond to those that seem as though they might meet your needs and let the rest go. It doesn't matter if someone doesn't think you are submissive enough, you don't want them anyway. There's no rule book on what you are supposed to be and do, just stick with what is true to how you view things. They may move on to find the fuck meat of their dreams

If someone says no panties on a first meeting and you find that assumption on his part incomprehensible, feel free to say no thanks and move onto someone else. If I did all the crap that men on this site have asked me to do that i find ridiculous, I'd not have time to sleep. But you know, they have the right to be looking for whatever floats their boat.

Yes, it's frustrating wading through the hordes of clueless, porn fueled, socially inept, men that seem to put on the title of Dom or better yet, Master. It's a given if you're on this site or any other like it. If it bothers you that much to be approached by Doms who are controlled by what their penis wants, then try for real life meetings instead at a local munch or a kinky gathering. The cyber medium does seem to lend itself to men thinking they can overstep the usual social boundaries, that and the nature of this adult site- they seem to think it's a kinky sex vending machine. I know, it drives me bonkers too, but it'll never change. Lots of men see this site as the land of orgasm opportunity, not as a gateway to meet another person.

When I am looking for someone I do not list anything to do with sex in my profile, I share it when I get to know if the person I'm chatting with may be a match. The hordes of HNG's out there don't need any intimate material from me to approach me with as i'm not interested in talking about sex/kink on a first or even second exchange. I also list in my profile that I'll be getting to know someone first before getting to know what they like to do in the bedroom. When someone doesn't approach me in the manner that works for me (leaving sex/kink out of it), then I politely point out that I've stated those subjects are hands off for now and see what they do with it. I never feel as though I'm not submissive enough, or wrong for doing so. After all, I'm looking for a match, if the gentleman in question isn't a match for me and insists on talking about things that I find excessively personal, then I move on. Easy enough.

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 4

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 4:29:54 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I'll give you my advice:

1) I never would discuss something sexual with someone I didn't know. Why bother? Sex/play is a moot point if I don't even know if I like you yet and it just muddies the water because when genitals get tingly, it gets confused with being a connection. After we met a few times, it got to the point that it looked like I might actually like him enough to actually have sex with him...then we could start discussing things.

2) I made it clear that sex/or play wasn't going to happen until I was comfortable. If he wasn't willing to wait for that, I walked away. If he pushed at our first meeting, I walked away. I thoroughly believe in getting to know each and deciding if I actually like him before bringing those things into the relationship.

3) I don't believe in submitting to someone until you have agreed to a power dynamic.That meant that I wore what I wanted until that point happened. It meant that I didn't call him Sir, until that happened. It meant that he could ask, but I didn't have to follow. If he didn't like that, I walked.

4) I made a list of what was important to me and didn't settle.

5) If someone tried to emotionally blackmail me with the "You're not really submissive" line. I said, "okay" and walked away.

6) I met for coffee. Nothing else. Coffee is easily ended and nips the "I bought you dinner, so I bought you" attitude in the bud. After coffee, I went home and waited to see if my interest was genuine.

Those were my boundaries. I stuck to them and enforced them. I was unwilling to be with anyone that wouldn't respect them.

It's what worked for me.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 5

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 6:22:29 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

What she said.

OP, this happens all the time online, even vanilla sites.

There is something about being online that makes some men lose their sense of finesse and they expect instant gratification.

You cannot change them, but only how you react to them.

Stay true to yourself and your own code, have a positive attitude, with low expectations.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 6

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 6:43:32 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

I'd recommend getting involved with your local BDSM community. I went to Fetlife and searched for Atlanta groups and it came up with 30 pages of them.
https://fetlife.com/groups/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&q=atlanta
Google is also a wealth of information on BDSM activities in your local area.
https://www.google.com/search?q=atlanta+georgia+bdsm&aq=f&oq=atlanta+georgia+bdsm&aqs=chrome.0.57j62.7817j0&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 7

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 7:15:00 PM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

Fast, decisive use of the delete and block button will add immeasurably to your quality of life here.

Mouse over all messages first, and if it contains content you won't engage in, delete it without reading it and block the sender. The faster you cull out the folks who ignore your likes, the less frustrated you will be and the better you can focus on finding a compatible partner. There ARE some great guys out there.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 8

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 7:57:53 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

You know what you want, and the "kneel bitch" mentality when exchanging emails isn't it. Say no, politely if you choose, or not so politely if you prefer to deal with it that way.

Not really difficult.

Sadly, many people (not just men) think that two people should play, have sex, engage in D/s and then see if a relationship can build from there. It RARELY will be successful.

You already know that, so you are ahead of the game. Stick to your guns and then have some patience, searching on line, whether kink or vanilla takes some time.

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 9

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/26/2013 8:18:09 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Avenseek

I don't know if it's me or just the usual learning curve but being new to CM has been a lesson in futility. As a submissive woman, I am still a human being...I don't know what in my profile might portray me as anything other than that. For me, I believe the mental should proceed the physical but nearly every contact goes directly to the physical aspects. Even on the first meet and greets....right to the toys/likes/whatever. Should I be asked or expected to go without panties on a first date? I think you need to know me first. When I do submit, I'm surely going anyway we want to go. With everything I've got. Maybe I'm a prude, not submissive enough, on the wrong website? I don't really think so. I think I need to keep looking. I'm looking for some respect, some mental dominance and see where it goes.

Aven

Look finding a relationship here isn't any different than finding a relationship anywhere or any kind. The same "rules" apply. You will have jerks and assholes and you will have nice guys you like. Just when you are seeking a "vanilla" relationship, would you expect to find one instantly? So why do you think you would find one quickly here? There are people who have been here for years upon years and still haven't found someone and there are those of us who were here for years upon years before we found our One.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 10

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/28/2013 4:22:14 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I would not do somerthing that mad me uncomfortable. If he is asking you to do someting (like not wearing panties, just say i wouls rather npt that make me uncomfortable. I he insists i wouls use blaco and delete. it took m2 years on hwew to finde my Master No need to rush into anything. If you do set up a meet please set it up in a public place. I know it is hard to weed out the jerks just use judgment andd anyone who is not a fir for you jus block them. Good luck

Matt's littleone

)Please forgive speler errors i need new glasses)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/28/2013 6:06:39 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

KNEEL bitch...

No, wait, let me start again... (ahem...)

Kneel, Bitch ! And go get me a BEER !!

Anyone who answers up to that can be counted on for beer. It's just a screening tool, don't take it personally. It's about the beer.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 12

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/28/2013 6:18:17 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

It isn't specific to BD/SM, post a profile anywhere remotely sexual, and you get that kind of crap. You write in your profile that you are on someplace socially, and you get some mutants saying they want to shove their dick up your ass. I put up a profile on one site when I was in transition, that I was a trans woman looking for friends, and i have guys asking me how big my dick is.....unfortunately, the net allows a lot of people to think that it is all one gigantic fantasy and if someone posts a profile, they must be desperate for someone like them *sigh*. I remember once being at a trans club and this guy was complaining how the T girls were all stuck up bitches, who wouldn't give him and his friends the time of day, and I asked him how he approached the girls and he was like "well, I tell them I am horny and do they want to get off", and he couldn't believe it when I burst out laughing....I then asked him if he would approach a 'real' girl at a bar like that, and he looked horrified.

The only good news, it is easy to delete and block messages. I don't mind getting messages, even though at this point I am mostly social on here, and can enjoy talking to people, but I tend to get these brilliant messages like "hi" or "gee, I like your picture" and the like......unfortunately, the gem to shit ratio is probably 1 in 1000 or so, so all you can do is keep trying. I agree with others, you are a lot more likely to find people in real life then on here. I just read your profile (hence editing it), and the only suggestion I have is even though you stress wanting a relationship first, you may want to be more specific and talk more about the relationship up front and not mention play and sex until further in. Something like "I am seeking a relationship with a dominant man, not a play partner or fuck buddy, and who someone is is as important as how they look and initially more important than their experience as a dom. I am looking for someone who can be patient and allow the relationship to bloom and grow in all facets,both emotionally and in a D/s context" or some such. It may not help weed out the assholes, who are a bunch of hormonally driven guys who I think their dick gets in the way of them reading or something, but it may also attract the kind of guy you are looking for:)

< Message edited by njlauren -- 5/28/2013 6:24:40 PM >

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 13

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/28/2013 6:50:16 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Avenseek
I don't know if it's me or just the usual learning curve but being new to CM has been a lesson in futility.

This is a very common experience. Once you're off the new users list you'll get spammed less often. Interact only with men who treat you how you want to be treated. Remember, they're putting their best foot forward, right now. If you don't like the best foot, you probably won't like the now-I-can-take-you-for-granted foot either.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 14

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/31/2013 3:07:18 AM

Aedonix

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/26/2011
From: the UK
Status: offline

I prefer to look at how to conduct myself on this site similar to the old "Bar Room" scenario.

If I were to meet a person in a bar who I didn't know but liked the look of, I would approach them and make some small talk and get to know the individual as a human being, not as a list of kinks or the next notch on my bed post.

If I were to walk up to a girl in a bar and immediately start saying stuff like "Do you like to be tied up and fucked?" or "You are going to be mine" or I am Dom... Hear me roar" (I think you get the jist) I would expect at the very least a drink in my face and at worst a knee in my nuts or worse.

Seems what a lot of guys are forgetting is YES this is a kink based site aimed at getting people together. but the key word there is PEOPLE... Human beings who want to be appreciated for who they are. not just what floats their boats.

_____________________________

if you would learn how to live, do not ask the question; its answer is not in the question but in the answer, which is not in words; do not ask how to live, but, instead, proceed to do so.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 15

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/31/2013 6:58:25 AM

Rasciallymisty

Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake

KNEEL bitch...

No, wait, let me start again... (ahem...)

Kneel, Bitch ! And go get me a BEER !!

Anyone who answers up to that can be counted on for beer. It's just a screening tool, don't take it personally. It's about the beer.

Hands you a beer says screw the kneel if you want all your beer...to old to get up and down and not spill the beer doing so.

OP.... like everyone says the block and delete work great on the other side. Good luck and with patients hopefully you will find your one.

misty

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 16

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 5/31/2013 7:03:50 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You've gotten some good advice.

BTW: There is a very nice public dungeon in Atlanta called 1763. I'd check it out.

_____________________________

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 17

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 6/1/2013 8:10:43 AM

FriendlyMuppet

Posts: 171
Joined: 11/16/2010
From: Corpus Christi, Texas
Status: offline

As others have stated already, you're dealing with male dominants who are seeing you as an easy means to get their satisfaction obtained. Most of them have no idea what it means to be dominant to a submissive, although they have read enough porn to figure out how they think dominants should act. I'm not a male dominant, but a male submissive, so I see where this sort of thing does happen, mainly because I understand what it's like to be submissive and to be looking for something a lot more than just a momentary excess or excitement. Finding the right person is often very difficult and requires going through a lot of people to weed out the really bad ones that are more noise than substance. We both have the same problem but to different extremes. I am a male submissive, which means the pickings are slim as in female dominants have their pick of the litter, and it's almost impossible to be seen as sincere and serious from their perspective. You, on the other hand, are a female submissive, which means there are so many male dominants (and so few good ones) which means you have to wade through the muck to find one that might be of substance. Strangely enough, the dilemma is the same, but is much easier to handle once you acknowledge it and plan for it accordingly.

_____________________________

My Novels:
The Cell's Door: http://amzn.to/19I6VA1
Forced to Serve: http://amzn.to/108DByv

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 18

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 6/1/2013 11:32:05 AM

MasterCaneman

Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: njlauren

It isn't specific to BD/SM, post a profile anywhere remotely sexual, and you get that kind of crap. You write in your profile that you are on someplace socially, and you get some mutants saying they want to shove their dick up your ass. I put up a profile on one site when I was in transition, that I was a trans woman looking for friends, and i have guys asking me how big my dick is.....unfortunately, the net allows a lot of people to think that it is all one gigantic fantasy and if someone posts a profile, they must be desperate for someone like them *sigh*. I remember once being at a trans club and this guy was complaining how the T girls were all stuck up bitches, who wouldn't give him and his friends the time of day, and I asked him how he approached the girls and he was like "well, I tell them I am horny and do they want to get off", and he couldn't believe it when I burst out laughing....I then asked him if he would approach a 'real' girl at a bar like that, and he looked horrified.

The only good news, it is easy to delete and block messages. I don't mind getting messages, even though at this point I am mostly social on here, and can enjoy talking to people, but I tend to get these brilliant messages like "hi" or "gee, I like your picture" and the like......unfortunately, the gem to shit ratio is probably 1 in 1000 or so, so all you can do is keep trying. I agree with others, you are a lot more likely to find people in real life then on here. I just read your profile (hence editing it), and the only suggestion I have is even though you stress wanting a relationship first, you may want to be more specific and talk more about the relationship up front and not mention play and sex until further in. Something like "I am seeking a relationship with a dominant man, not a play partner or fuck buddy, and who someone is is as important as how they look and initially more important than their experience as a dom. I am looking for someone who can be patient and allow the relationship to bloom and grow in all facets,both emotionally and in a D/s context" or some such. It may not help weed out the assholes, who are a bunch of hormonally driven guys who I think their dick gets in the way of them reading or something, but it may also attract the kind of guy you are looking for:)

OP, read this and learn something. Everything njlauren says is true. It will take time and effort on your part, but the educational value in the search will serve you well in the future.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 19

RE: Christ on a pony, this shouldn't be this hard! - 6/1/2013 12:50:50 PM

garyFLR

Posts: 4030
Joined: 5/11/2013
Status: offline

Dear Avenseek,

There are some very weird monkeys that use this site & yes, it is depressing when they block up your in box, we are in very much a similar position, I also get cranks & scamsters trying it on with me, but, like you, I haven't been here long & I'm finding some lovely people that I'm interacting with, I haven't found what I'm looking for yet, but, I will, & so will you. you just have to keep plugging away.
Enjoy the message boards, you can meet a lot of people that way, most of the people that you complain about can't even hold a knife & fork, let alone spend time putting a cogent sentence together, so they don't appear very often on this side

.
Please don't be downhearted, the person you're seeking is out there, I promise.

(in reply to Avenseek)

Post #: 20

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