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NuevaVida -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/3/2013 5:37:17 PM)
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ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
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ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
I've rarely seen anyone say what you said they said to you. I'm not doubting that they did, but in my many years here (since 2004), I've seen it said maybe twice.
I am doubting you paid as much attention to those who posted to me as I did. I received plenty of flak, both here and in Cmail. But that was 7 years ago (I got here in 2006). You're really remembering how often someone said something like that to me, 7 years ago? You got a score sheet over there? (joke)
I said specifically, I didn't remember it. And you are right, I probably wasn't paying a great deal of attention at that time at all. I also didn't post a lot during that time. I was still relatively new to all the kink, so I did a lot more reading posts than responding to them. It's quite possible I might have skipped those posts completely as not what I was looking to read at that time. But really, I was pretty clear in that *I* didn't notice it and *I* didn't doubt those things were said to you. Personally, I know that even in my bluntness, I would never have said those things. So the sarcasm about the "score card" was quite unnecessary. However, it does go to show that you have more than your fair share of snark as well.
Actually, not to be nit picky here but since you said "specifically," you specifically said what I bolded above: You rarely saw it. You saw it maybe twice. Not that it really matters, other than what you said in bold is more a statement of fact rather than what you remembered. I get literal sometimes, so I wanted to touch on that.
And yes, I actually do have snark in me, but I wouldn't say more than my fair share (not even sure what that means). I can absolutely be snarky, and I don't like being snarky, so I've worked a great deal on tempering it (my sig line here is actually a reminder to ME, more than anything). But it does happen sometimes. The weird thing is, and I hope you trust me on this, my intention above was NOT to be snarky. I was writing it humorously, as though I were peeking over at your table saying, "Hey, ya got a score sheet over there?" as a total kidding around joke. In fact, that's why I wrote "(joke)" next to it, instead of putting a smiley face, because I thought a smiley face might convey that I was being sarcastic, rather than good naturedly joking. Just goes to show, even when you're making a point to NOT be snarky, people can read you as snarky.
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The problem with over-analyzing things is that it can become an all consuming thing and very unhealthy. The reality is that these women tend to spend so much time analyzing the situation to death, they neglect to actually live their lives. A certain degree of analyzing the situation is one thing, but turning over every moment of the relationship, every nuance of the way someone said something, or looked when they said it looking for clues is rarely helpful, and often even less often fruitful.
Admittedly, I am a lot more aware of "how I tick" than many people tend to be. However, I do try to keep that in mind. And needless to say, I was talking about the "crazy wracking your brain" kind of analyzing of things.
Thanks for clarifying, I didn't get that from what you originally wrote. Yes, I agree people can analyze things to death to where it can be counter-productive. At work we call it over-engineering something. At some point you gotta just stop with the analysis and move forward.
Funny you mention "these women" because my ex husband was very much that way...but then I often commented about how we seemed to swap gender roles in our marriage (in the stereotypical way people tend to see roles).
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For some, their rigid world view prevents them from seeing the world other than through their own view, no matter how many friends they talk to.
Yep, it can, for a time. I know it did for me....until it didn't anymore.
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To be honest? It doesn't affect me, and I will usually shut them down pretty quickly when they start telling me they are learning to live their lives based on "The Secret," or something else. However, it rarely, if ever, stops them from trying to tell everyone else what they read. From my experience, they tend to be worse than the Jehovah Witnesses knocking on your door. After you have listened to a couple of people tell you how they have found all of life's answers in the latest self help book and how they are now living their life that way, until, of course, the next "latest" self help book hits the shelves with all new answers to everything that ails them.
Well...you say you lose patience and then you said it doesn't affect you. But apparently it does affect you if it's affecting your patience level, yes?
Funny you mention The Secret. Have you read it? I really enjoyed it. Pulled some good things from it and discarded others. I've read a lot of life philosophy type books - some have been really good and some have been pretty bad. And yep, I've seen that zealousness in all kinds of folks. Hell I remember when my brother started going to AA, for the next year or two all we heard about was how a 12 step program will solve everything. But...meh....he was finally realizing some happiness and hope in his life, so I figured who was I to knock that down? We (my family) would just smile and enjoy his enthusiasm, and wait for that phase to pass lol. I guess I'm just not bothered by that stuff. If someone finds something in life that excites them, then I think that's great. Again, to each their own.
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It was also a bit of analogy. Think of the woman who repeatedly cries to you how her partner is cheating on her. The first time, you are very sympathetic. The second time, you reiterate your advice from the first time that she should leave him. The third time, you find an excuse to get off the phone with her, and after that, it takes everything in your power not to tell her to get a fucking grip, the situation obviously isn't going to change and if she isn't going to do anything to solve the problem, then she needs to stop whining about it. Because ultimately, that is the point. If you aren't willing to change the situation, you don't get to whine endlessly about it without me telling you to shit or get off the pot. Obviously not your particular brand of advice, but valid advice all the same.
Oh I agree it's valid advice, whether it's something I'd do or not. And I'll tell ya, I've *had* a very dear friend tell me something similar, with regard to my ex owner dude. She actually wrote me a very strongly worded letter (email), being very open and honest about what she thought, and understanding that it might cost our friendship. I applauded her for it, because I knew she really loved me and she really put herself out on a limb by holding up such a mirror to me. I trusted her, so I was able to receive it. Anyone else, well it would have hurt and I'd have retreated back into my cave. For me, "tough love" only really works when there's actual love involved. I've given the same kind of advice to loved ones. For someone I don't love, or even know very well? Well I doubt they'd be coming to me over and over about something so if I did respond to a question in that way, I'd just feel mean. But that's just who I am. I've been an abused woman who was not strong enough to leave so I guess I understand both sides of that coin. Typically if I think, "Whoa boy, it's going to be one of THESE issues" I don't get involved much to begin with, unless it's someone I'm close to.
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I'm not terribly surprised. Those books are rarely about trying to enhance your perspective or make you think differently.
We must have read different books then. I've learned some pretty critical things about myself by reading, not because of what they're actually saying but because of how I weigh those words against my own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. I don't see "Look at the sky as being pink" (dumb example but hey it's all I've got today) and think, "OK, the sky is pink" I think, "Well, I don't see the sky as pink. Why not? Is it possible it could be pink? Is this irritating me? Why? What if I'm wrong?" and so on. Mind you, that thought process is all of about 20 seconds or so, in the background, but that's kind of how my brain works. One of the most critical things I've taken from a book was realizing I had never been compassionate with myself, and that maybe it was time to start. And it wasn't because the book said, "Be compassionate with yourself" it's because the book led me down a line of thinking in which I drew that as my own conclusion (well, the book plus a whole bunch of other cool things that were happening in life at the same time).
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I'm under no illusion that who I am is not for everyone. Believe it or not, I get about a 50/50 rate of people appreciating what I have to say. Interestingly enough, a good amount of those who are in the negative 50% are those whose way of communicating isn't that much different than mine. Either way, yes I am ok with that. If I haven't worried about impressing people in face to face encounters from even my earliest memories, then impressing a bunch of people, most of who ARE very different in person than on the computer is going to be even less important to me. There are even a bunch of people who are into the "warm, fuzzy" approach that appreciate my ability to be direct. Being direct and cutting through the bull shit with someone also can get a situation cleared up pretty quickly. Knowing which approach is needed is also important, and even I can sometimes use the "warm, fuzzy" approach when it is a better approach.
Hey I'm well aware that who I am isn't for everyone, either! And I'm ok with that, too. It really all boils down to being true to who we are, and what our personalities are. You & I have different approaches. I'm not saying yours is wrong, and I sure hope I haven't come across that way. I can be very blunt and direct, too, but it's usually with people I'm close to, who know my intentions are good. Really my only point earlier was to say I can sometimes relate to OPs like the one here, because I was once very much like that person...and knowing that, I understand they might just figure things out some day, so I try not to knock 'em too hard.
Either way, I do appreciate the dialogue with you here. I like understanding how other people think - especially when it's different than my own way of thinking. That's how my perspective grows. So I thank you for taking the time. And I apologize if I came across as snarky to you before - that was far from my intent.
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