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LafayetteLady -> RE: Need Adivice ASAP (6/2/2013 11:09:54 PM)
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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
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ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
I've rarely seen anyone say what you said they said to you. I'm not doubting that they did, but in my many years here (since 2004), I've seen it said maybe twice.
I am doubting you paid as much attention to those who posted to me as I did. I received plenty of flak, both here and in Cmail. But that was 7 years ago (I got here in 2006). You're really remembering how often someone said something like that to me, 7 years ago? You got a score sheet over there? (joke)
I said specifically, I didn't remember it. And you are right, I probably wasn't paying a great deal of attention at that time at all. I also didn't post a lot during that time. I was still relatively new to all the kink, so I did a lot more reading posts than responding to them. It's quite possible I might have skipped those posts completely as not what I was looking to read at that time. But really, I was pretty clear in that *I* didn't notice it and *I* didn't doubt those things were said to you. Personally, I know that even in my bluntness, I would never have said those things. So the sarcasm about the "score card" was quite unnecessary. However, it does go to show that you have more than your fair share of snark as well.
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Agreed - not rocket science. Yet some people are wired to analyze (I am - it's my career, after all, I'm an analyst). I tend to analyze myself a lot. Now this doesn't mean spending all sorts of crazy energy wracking my brain out on things, but it does mean being aware of what makes me tick, why I react as I do to various things, and how I might change my perspective, if need be. This is all stuff that goes on in the background of my brain these days, but there was a time when learning self-awareness meant dissecting every little thing and figuring out the why's to them. It took practice. Now, when something rubs me wrong, the first place I go in my head is to consider my perspective and if it needs changing. It's not a big huge deal anymore, it just happens behind the scenes. I would never tell someone to NOT do that, nor would I discourage them from whatever process it might take to eventually get them to that point. Telling someone they are over-analyzing means, in my opinion, I don't have the patience or stamina to keep up with it, it frustrates me, and I don't want to look at what it might reveal to me about myself.
The problem with over-analyzing things is that it can become an all consuming thing and very unhealthy. The reality is that these women tend to spend so much time analyzing the situation to death, they neglect to actually live their lives. A certain degree of analyzing the situation is one thing, but turning over every moment of the relationship, every nuance of the way someone said something, or looked when they said it looking for clues is rarely helpful, and often even less often fruitful.
Admittedly, I am a lot more aware of "how I tick" than many people tend to be. However, I do try to keep that in mind. And needless to say, I was talking about the "crazy wracking your brain" kind of analyzing of things.
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But that's me. I LOVE figuring out what makes me tick and how I might see the world differently. I love talking to friends about life perspectives. The Mister? Eh, not so much. But it doesn't bother or frustrate him when I do. When he's ready for me to stop yacking, he just kisses me, or sticks his thumb in my mouth lol. But he would not stifle me from exploring my thoughts. And those times I really needed to explore them with HIM....well he dropped everything and listened.
What I have found is that the situations people tend to analyze aren't all that complicated, it is simply that the obvious answer is unappealing to them. The OP is a good example. She got involved with someone who has been doing something since before they got together and she can't figure out why he still does. Repeated discussions about him changing (that doesn't work, ever), and him falling short. Instead of deciding whether she can live it or not, she wants everyone to tell her how to actually make him change. Again, no major analyzation needed.
For some, their rigid world view prevents them from seeing the world other than through their own view, no matter how many friends they talk to. However, that really isn't over-analyzing things now, is it?
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Why would you lack patience? How is their need/desire to read affecting you?
To be honest? It doesn't affect me, and I will usually shut them down pretty quickly when they start telling me they are learning to live their lives based on "The Secret," or something else. However, it rarely, if ever, stops them from trying to tell everyone else what they read. From my experience, they tend to be worse than the Jehovah Witnesses knocking on your door. After you have listened to a couple of people tell you how they have found all of life's answers in the latest self help book and how they are now living their life that way, until, of course, the next "latest" self help book hits the shelves with all new answers to everything that ails them.
It was also a bit of analogy. Think of the woman who repeatedly cries to you how her partner is cheating on her. The first time, you are very sympathetic. The second time, you reiterate your advice from the first time that she should leave him. The third time, you find an excuse to get off the phone with her, and after that, it takes everything in your power not to tell her to get a fucking grip, the situation obviously isn't going to change and if she isn't going to do anything to solve the problem, then she needs to stop whining about it. Because ultimately, that is the point. If you aren't willing to change the situation, you don't get to whine endlessly about it without me telling you to shit or get off the pot. Obviously not your particular brand of advice, but valid advice all the same.
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For what it's worth, I've read a lot of those types of books. I find them fascinating and they open my mind (whether I agree or disagree with them). AND I've had professional therapy. Why would you suggest one or the other? I am not understanding your aversion to someone trying to enhance their perspective and think differently.
I'm not terribly surprised. Those books are rarely about trying to enhance your perspective or make you think differently.
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I don't think people should apologize for who they are - it's who they are, after all. I tend to not associate much with "in your face" people, as I think there are kinder, gentler ways of expressing the same truth without sugar coating. It's a difference in personalities. But I have seen posts by people who are sick of the way others respond to them, yet, they don't change their own output. If you like what you're getting back from people and from life, carry on. If you don't, well maybe some introspection (analysis!) is in order.
I'm under no illusion that who I am is not for everyone. Believe it or not, I get about a 50/50 rate of people appreciating what I have to say. Interestingly enough, a good amount of those who are in the negative 50% are those whose way of communicating isn't that much different than mine. Either way, yes I am ok with that. If I haven't worried about impressing people in face to face encounters from even my earliest memories, then impressing a bunch of people, most of who ARE very different in person than on the computer is going to be even less important to me. There are even a bunch of people who are into the "warm, fuzzy" approach that appreciate my ability to be direct. Being direct and cutting through the bull shit with someone also can get a situation cleared up pretty quickly. Knowing which approach is needed is also important, and even I can sometimes use the "warm, fuzzy" approach when it is a better approach.
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