BDSM and Mental Health (Full Version)

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SydneyBristow -> BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 12:42:37 PM)

I have a history of self-injury and an eating disorder that began in elementary school. My masochistic fantasies pre-date the onset of any mental illness. For a long time I questioned whether my involvement in BDSM was just another outlet for self-loathing or self-destruction. I am still wrestling with that question. However, last week while highly stressed, I had the urge to find a sadist to hurt me as an outlet. Since I'm not currently in a relationship, it would have entailed impulsive, risk-taking behavior. That seems to point to me using BDSM to cope somehow and that realization scares me.

At the same time, I feel safe and happy in the context of a M/s relationship. I've tried vanilla dating and my BDSM relationships have been the most fulfilling. Plus, I'm most aroused through submission or pain. For me, there is a difference between pain that arouses me and the pain from self-injury. However, I fear there is some unhealthy overlap. I don't have a question. I'm just confused. I'm lost. The only therapists listed by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom in my area are couples therapists. I haven't had luck with therapists and BDSM. I once had a therapist tell me I was propagating non-consensual violence by helping sadists act out their impulses.

I worry BDSM is an extension of self-hate/low self-esteem and not a true proclivity. Yet, I feel better about myself, more confident, when submitting. In fact, it was in a M/s relationship that I realized it is possible for someone to love ALL of me, flaws included. Has anyone else faced similar questions? How have you come to terms with it?



liveinslaveu4 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 12:48:35 PM)

i think same about myself sometimes



Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 1:05:53 PM)

I learnt that humiliation turn me on when I was molested as a kid. I was 10. The shame and guilt that came with it made me more aroused, which of course made me feel guiltier. I also had issues, like having a mom who hates your existence and keeps telling you to do her a favour and kill yourself, and constantly always telling me how i was the worst thing that ever happened to her. I was a suicidal kid, because my mom always told me she'll be happy if I killed myself and I kept trying to kill myself to make her happy. And in many ways, it still bothers me that my mom hated my existence so much.

Somehow bdsm helps me to redirect the pain I feel. So I do like pain and humiliation, and in a crazy way, it's always comforting to me. I've not looked too deep into it, and simply embraced it and enjoy it, it's much better than taking drugs, smoking or drinking myself to death to deal. BDSM plays often gives me alot of emotional release I need. I feel happier after a play, and I don't feel it's harming me.




deliriuminabox -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 1:08:33 PM)

OsideGirl said it better. Thanks, lady!



OsideGirl -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 1:36:34 PM)

It comes down to motivation: Do you do this because you think you deserve to be treated badly? (Self hate) Is this the only way that you achieve pleasure? (fixation)

It's really hard to tell someone that they're okay or if they have a problem through a few words on a computer screen, but those two points will be what a psychologist will look at first.




Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 1:42:17 PM)

And if self-hate is the only way to achieve pleasure, is it something to worry about?



SydneyBristow -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:04:58 PM)

Thanks for the replies.

Greta75 - I'm sorry about your mom and abuse; that is awful. My initial reaction is that it is something to worry about. What do you think?

OsideGirl - I'm not sure if that is part of why I do it. I'm afraid that plays a part. It isn't the ONLY reason. Maybe the vanilla people I've been with are not skilled and I just need more life experience, but so far, it is the only way I find sexual pleasure.



OsideGirl -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:07:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

And if self-hate is the only way to achieve pleasure, is it something to worry about?


It can be a symptom of a personality disorder.



SydneyBristow -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:16:17 PM)

Really? I know the DSM V is revamping the personality disorder criterion, but which disorder(s) are you talking about? I am not only aroused by humiliation (which seems most directly linked to self-hate, in my opinion). It isn't a 1:1 correlation. In other words, when I'm being whipped I'm not thinking that I deserve it or that I'm bad or anything like that. I have no idea how to clarify the connection. Not every masochist dislikes themselves. So, it isn't necessarily connected.



kiwisub12 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:16:48 PM)

Oy .... self hate is not a good thing. In any way , shape or form. My initial thought is "get thee to a therapist!"

Actually, i would say anyone who had such a toxic relationship with her/his mother/father needs therapy - ASAP.
Its hard to see how you could have good self worth with that as your childhood.

However, i don't see anything wrong with a BDSM relationship that makes you feel safe and happy. If it is a non- abusive relationship with a kind and caring Master/Mistress then it could be the ideal place for you to explore your issues with a professional.

Call one of the therapists and see if they do solo councellling - they might. And if they don't, they may be able to refer you to someone in your area that does singles.

It took me quite a while to get my head around the whole enjoying pain thing, though i embraced with joy the BDSM relationship. And councelling got me to a point that i could trust someone with me - all of me.



RedMagic1 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:17:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SydneyBristow
last week while highly stressed, I had the urge to find a sadist to hurt me as an outlet. Since I'm not currently in a relationship, it would have entailed impulsive, risk-taking behavior. That seems to point to me using BDSM to cope somehow and that realization scares me.

That isn't necessarily related to self-harm. Quite a few people enjoy being spanked or whipped for catharsis. zthis goes beyond kink. Think vanilla men who enjoy playing (American) football, because they like the feeling of getting hit and wrestling.

Very few mental things are completely black and white. In your case, though, it's probably fair to say that until you are in control of the urges from your past, they will keep showing up in different ways in your present, and that will include ways related to sex and the erotic.

I had one good friend who was very kinky and with a lifelong eating disorder. The biggest issue I saw with her (other than, well, risk of death) was that it was very hard for her to date vanilla guys. She once told me she was more attracted to take-charge vanilla guys than to leathermen who were all about the ritual. I asked why not put an ad on a dating site, saying you're looking for a traditional take-charge man? She yelled at me, "I keep telling you about my life, but you still don't understand. I can't go on first dates. Vanilla first dates always involve food!!!!" I had never thought of it that way before.

Good luck to you.



Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:26:27 PM)

I do have issues about my mom and she makes me question my purpose and my existence alot, there is an emptiness I will always feel, as I wish I had a different mom, one that made me loved and cherished.

On the other hand, what I do love about submission(pain and humiliation included) is more on emotional closeness. I like the feelings of security and trust that I feel with another human being, enough to allow him to do those things with me, without affecting my self-esteem. I don't feel less of a person, I love the connection, where he can have the freedom of enjoying his kink with me without fear of repercussions. And I can be loved and appreciated for fulfilling those needs of his which reciprocated my needs as well.
I feel very comfortable with alot of verbal degradation because, I don't actually believe I am those things. If I did believe, and it starts hurting to hear it, I wouldn't enjoy it.
On the other hand, I've always been very tough on my self and been disappointed with myself on some things, and sometimes, I feel the need to be punished for them, and bdsm helps me with that too. When I'm beating myself up mentally, I like it to follow up with physical pain.



RedMagic1 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:28:28 PM)

Well I think your posts on the board are lovely, Greta75. Whatever your issues may be, they've helped you produce an interesting mind.[;)]



OsideGirl -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:41:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SydneyBristow

Really? I know the DSM V is revamping the personality disorder criterion, but which disorder(s) are you talking about? I am not only aroused by humiliation (which seems most directly linked to self-hate, in my opinion). It isn't a 1:1 correlation. In other words, when I'm being whipped I'm not thinking that I deserve it or that I'm bad or anything like that. I have no idea how to clarify the connection. Not every masochist dislikes themselves. So, it isn't necessarily connected.


My reply was directed at Greta who asked if self hate is the only way to get pleasure, is it something to worry about? I never said that every masochist dislikes themselves and not all humiliation play is about self hate. You're the one connecting things in a manner in which they weren't intended.



Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:48:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
It can be a symptom of a personality disorder.

Hmm, I just googled and it says "personality disorder" simply refers to a diagnostic category of psychiatric disorders characterized by a chronic, inflexible, and maladaptive pattern of relating to the world. This maladaptive pattern is evident in the way a person thinks, feels, and behaves.

I think I do have chronic inflexibility somehow. Will find out more about this with a professional, thanks.



Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 2:49:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Well I think your posts on the board are lovely, Greta75. Whatever your issues may be, they've helped you produce an interesting mind.[;)]

Aww, thanks :)



Charles6682 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/28/2013 6:01:43 PM)

I started to question my sanity about my submissive desires when I was in my early 20's.I wondered why did I have these fantasies?Can they actually be healthy,mentally,emotionally and physically.I was lucky that I happen to have a very good female friend who also happened to have a degree in psychology.She was very nice,open and understanding.She helped me to help to help myself.She helped me to accept myself for who I am.I was very comfortable talking to her about things I would never talk to with anyone else,except maybe my partner.Best part of it all,was since we we're just friends talking,it felt like free therapy lessons for me.Which officially,she could easily charge a client a lot of money for services like that.I do believe God has put people in my life over the years for a reason.



DesFIP -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/30/2013 5:20:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SydneyBristow

I am not only aroused by humiliation (which seems most directly linked to self-hate, in my opinion).



Except for many people there is no correlation between humiliation and self hate. In fact, I've spoken to people who say it's just the opposite. That humiliation play gave them much stronger self esteem.



Charles6682 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/30/2013 5:31:53 PM)

I love it when my Mistress humiliate me, especially if other Women are around watching. I like it because it gets me into "sub space" much easier.

That said,I don't care for humiliation in any other form from anyone else,anywhere. Its just something I enjoy and my Mistress seems to enjoy doing it to me. That's all humiliation is for me.



Greta75 -> RE: BDSM and Mental Health (5/30/2013 6:38:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Except for many people there is no correlation between humiliation and self hate. In fact, I've spoken to people who say it's just the opposite. That humiliation play gave them much stronger self esteem.

Well, the thing is. I do like being called slut/whore/cum bucket, all these things in play. It excites me. But the reason why I could enjoy them is because I don't believe in them or feel any truth in them. So it doesn't hurt me and it's fun. But I couldn't deal with words that involve "fat" in it, as I struggle with weight issues and that would end play right there if any of those were mentioned.



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