Too jaded for love or sex?

Too jaded for love or sex? (Full Version)

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curious23 -> Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 7:20:12 PM)
Ever feel this way, especially when searching for someone online? It's gotten to the point where I start wondering what kind of game someone is trying to play with me with every message that I get. These days, I feel like someone can't even offer advice without me thinking that they're only doing so so that they can later claim to be experts on the subject and offer me the opportunity to experience what they have to offer if I ask nicely. Or maybe a seemingly pleasant guy suddenly gets violently rude when things don't go his way. This scenario makes me the most nervous when it comes to meeting someone. everything is going well and then you say something they don't like or, god forbid, politely turn them down for personal reasons and they turn around and call you every name in the book. Makes me afraid of even the nice guys because I worry he'll turn rotten when he doesn't get his way. I wouldn't be so afraid if it weren't so common. But it's not like I can test them ahead of time on that because then I am being rude for putting someone through disappointment just to see if they can handle it. I surely wouldn't want to be treated that way, nor would I still want the person after the fact. So basically I feel like I've become so bitter and jaded that I'm actually in my own way of finding the right guy. What do you guys who face this do to not be so untrusting towards people who message you? Do you just take a chance on the nice guy who might do a 180 when you're at your most vulnerable?

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 7:44:33 PM)
Fuck me I've seen it all now. You want to find a nice guy who loves and respects you? Stop being a fucking twit.

evesgrden -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:03:38 PM)
Trust is a process, not an event. So you start by trusting a little and you see how that is handled. If that goes well, you trust a little more and so forth. But behave in a trusting manner, a little at a time until you have reason not to. That said, it's a two-way street. The other person also needs to trust in you too. Anyone who expects you to show total trust from Day One, or anyone who refuses to place trust in you over a period of time, it's Red Flag City. Danger Will Robinson. In order to have trust in someone you have to behave in a trusting manner. Just be sensible about it.

curious23 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:06:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fuck me I've seen it all now. You want to find a nice guy who loves and respects you? Stop being a fucking twit. What a perfect example of the jackassery I was referring to. Thanks SomethingCatchy. And a real thanks evesgrden. I really like your answer.

tazzygirl -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:07:45 PM)
There is no relationship without trust. The relationship meant for you will take that time to build that trust. Settle back into the driver's seat, for now the directions are all yours. Dont look for a relationship, look for a friend.... the rest will come if its meant to be.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:16:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: curious23 quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fuck me I've seen it all now. You want to find a nice guy who loves and respects you? Stop being a fucking twit. What a perfect example of the jackassery I was referring to. Thanks SomethingCatchy. And a real thanks evesgrden. I really like your answer. You set yourself up for failure the moment you made your profile text all about being a stripper. You're very welcome for my honesty. You're a complete twit if you think giggling and bouncing your ass on a stage is going to make men respect you.

curious23 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:20:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy quote: ORIGINAL: curious23 quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fuck me I've seen it all now. You want to find a nice guy who loves and respects you? Stop being a fucking twit. What a perfect example of the jackassery I was referring to. Thanks SomethingCatchy. And a real thanks evesgrden. I really like your answer. You set yourself up for failure the moment you made your profile text all about being a stripper. You're very welcome for my honesty. You're a complete twit if you think giggling and bouncing your ass on a stage is going to make men respect you. It's sad some people out there still think open sexuality equals unworthy of respect. But it's nice to know that, day by day, the number of people like that are decreasing, just like racists and gaybashers.

NuevaVida -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:22:30 PM)
I was at a point where, when the Mister and I first started talking, I'd filter out things in my head that I thought, "Yeah, that's probably a lie." Talk about jaded lol. I didn't keep talking to him with the idea of creating a relationship. I talked to him with no expectations. With whatever he did or said, I figured he was just showing me who he is, and I could accept it or not accept it. And in reverse, I was showing him who I was, and he could choose to accept it or not accept it. So I didn't give a lot of credence to my filtering system. I just took it all with a grain of salt, until time continued forward and the things he said were matching the things he did, and he just seemed to be really consistent and kind. In my mind I figured I'd give it 4-6 months because anyone can put on a facade for about that long, and then they revert to their genuine selves. So it wasn't until about 4 or 5 months that I started trusting he was who he was showing me he was. And he was/is. [:)]

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:25:44 PM)
~FRing it~ I'll be honest...living a life in fear is not living. I've had stuff go on in my past that should have turned me off relationships completely. But it came down to deciding that I wasn't going to give the assholes of the world (covert or out in the open) that much power over my life. It took time, but I eventually found that one person who makes me pretty damned happy. I don't think that would have happened if I lived my life in fear. Trust isn't always easy to give. When you trust, you open the doors to your most vulnerable and sensitive places. Yes, there are some out there who will fuck you over...but not everyone is out to do that.

Charles6682 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:27:16 PM)
There is good and bad in everything

curious23 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:27:46 PM)
Thanks a bunch all. This really made me feel better. I'll not let fear rule the relationship aspect of my life.

angelikaJ -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:53:20 PM)
My suggestion is that when you are feeling cynical due to over-exposure of jackassery, it is time to step away from the screen and find ways of nurturing yourself. You really didn't ask for that, so take it with a grain of salt. You are young and beautiful. Take all the time you need to really get to know someone.

Charles6682 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:58:41 PM)
Don't let nasty,bitter people get to you.There are jerks in this "lifestyle",just like there are jerks in every other corner of life. I know I am tired of negative people. I either should surround myself with positive people or I would rather just keep to myself. I don't have tolerance for intolerant people.

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 8:59:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: curious23 quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy quote: ORIGINAL: curious23 quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy Fuck me I've seen it all now. You want to find a nice guy who loves and respects you? Stop being a fucking twit. What a perfect example of the jackassery I was referring to. Thanks SomethingCatchy. And a real thanks evesgrden. I really like your answer. You set yourself up for failure the moment you made your profile text all about being a stripper. You're very welcome for my honesty. You're a complete twit if you think giggling and bouncing your ass on a stage is going to make men respect you. It's sad some people out there still think open sexuality equals unworthy of respect. But it's nice to know that, day by day, the number of people like that are decreasing, just like racists and gaybashers. It's sad that people like you are incapable of comprehending that just because someone CAN be a stripper doesn't mean everyone will respect her. I don't give a shit what you do. Your whining about how men don't respect you is pointless. If you want men to respect you be respectable. You can be a stripper and still get a good date. It's all about not BRAGGING about something that makes men think 'easy fuck'.

littlewonder -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 9:31:46 PM)
I'm gonna be honest with you. I agree with SomethingCatchy. You say in your profile about being a stripper. This is basically a sex site and men look at your profile and think stripper=easy, wild sex. Of course they are going to act the way you mention. Why wouldn't they? Most men are not going to equate a stripper to the girl they can take home to mama. They're going to see the stripper as the girl they can get an easy fuck from. If you want to be taken seriously then you should remove the mention about stripping unless that's the type of men you wish to attract.

curious23 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 10:28:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder I'm gonna be honest with you. I agree with SomethingCatchy. You say in your profile about being a stripper. This is basically a sex site and men look at your profile and think stripper=easy, wild sex. Of course they are going to act the way you mention. Why wouldn't they? Most men are not going to equate a stripper to the girl they can take home to mama. They're going to see the stripper as the girl they can get an easy fuck from. If you want to be taken seriously then you should remove the mention about stripping unless that's the type of men you wish to attract. I wasn't asking on how to reduce the number of bad messages I receive. They come with the territory. I'm on a highly sexual site. The last thing I'm going to do is lie about OR hide my sexual desires and, obviously, since my sexual desires are tied to my work, my job was worth mentioning. I'd want guys to know exactly what they're getting into because some can't handle dating a stripper. For the record, I receive about the same amount of asshattery as I did when I had an "innocent" profile. Assholes will always find something to belittle someone for. If it's not because I'm a stripper, It'd be because of the sheer fact that I'm a sub or a woman or not white. My post was simply asking how to internally handle the internal mistrust that comes with the territory. Not reduce the abuse. Because abuse is going to come my way whether I am open about my sexuality or not. I got really good answers, too and I thanks those who gave it.

myotherself -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 10:47:48 PM)
I agree with everyone so far, especially LittleWonder. When I was looking, my profile was updated many, many times. I started out leading with my kink (I'm a masochist) because it needs to be core to my relationship. I was inundated with messages from horndogs wanting to know my deepest, dirtiest fantasy. In r/l I also attracted guys who thought that submissive + masochist = easy lay. And when I refused to talk dirty or meet them in a hotel room, they became abusive. I became jaded. I revamped my profile to tone down the sexual content. I got fewer people messaging me, but still a hard core of guys looking for an easy lay and happy to say anything to get me into bed. The final revamp took out any mention of my particular needs, mentioning in passing that I was looking for a sadist, but clearly stated I wasn't going to discuss the details of my masochism until I'd actually met someone in r/l. And I would only meet someone in r/l when I was sure we matched in 'nilla life first. My profile led with my 'nilla interests. It made me look like a person, not a kink. It discussed my hobbies, the kind of person I am and the kind of person I was looking for. And it worked! I started chatting online with this nice guy. We met for coffee, and now 3 years on we're planning on the rest of our lives together. Your profile is all about your kink. Nothing about you as a person. While I understand that your kink is very important to you, is that all there is about you? Is that the only thing in your life that is important? Maybe if you balance it out with more information about you as a person then you'll attract people who are looking for a relationship, not just wild sex.

curious23 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 10:58:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: myotherself I agree with everyone so far, especially LittleWonder. When I was looking, my profile was updated many, many times. I started out leading with my kink (I'm a masochist) because it needs to be core to my relationship. I was inundated with messages from horndogs wanting to know my deepest, dirtiest fantasy. In r/l I also attracted guys who thought that submissive + masochist = easy lay. And when I refused to talk dirty or meet them in a hotel room, they became abusive. I became jaded. I revamped my profile to tone down the sexual content. I got fewer people messaging me, but still a hard core of guys looking for an easy lay and happy to say anything to get me into bed. The final revamp took out any mention of my particular needs, mentioning in passing that I was looking for a sadist, but clearly stated I wasn't going to discuss the details of my masochism until I'd actually met someone in r/l. And I would only meet someone in r/l when I was sure we matched in 'nilla life first. My profile led with my 'nilla interests. It made me look like a person, not a kink. It discussed my hobbies, the kind of person I am and the kind of person I was looking for. And it worked! I started chatting online with this nice guy. We met for coffee, and now 3 years on we're planning on the rest of our lives together. Your profile is all about your kink. Nothing about you as a person. While I understand that your kink is very important to you, is that all there is about you? Is that the only thing in your life that is important? Maybe if you balance it out with more information about you as a person then you'll attract people who are looking for a relationship, not just wild sex. Thank you for the reply but, again, I am not looking to change the actual messages I receive. I did the same thing you did but in reverse. Started off very vanilla and still got a great quantity messaging me about my big fat "nlgger lips" or ass or how many white cocks I have serviced (since I mentioned in passing that I found white men to be especially attractive to me and told them not to be shy). No matter what, the assholes will come in the same quantity. They always manage to find something to use to objectify me. I'm not interested in fighting it. It's dealing with my feelings that I'm asking about is all.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 11:03:49 PM)
And the point is that it is going to continue to be hard to build that trust when the first thing men see about you is that you are a stripper. Being a stripper isn't about being "open about your sexuality" either, so don't even try to go there. Perhaps for you, that is why, but for the other girls? No, not about their sexuality at all. I worked in a number of go go bars years ago, and the girls being proud of their sexuality had nothing to do with it. So just get off your little high horse about what being a stripper is. For whatever reason you have become jaded and unable to trust, it isn't based in the messages you get here. It is something else that happened prior to this. Perhaps you were burned by an ex. I don't know and it doesn't matter to me. It should matter to you. Because you need to come to terms with what went wrong that caused things, your part and what you can do different. But you will STILL get more messages from guys figuring you are an easy lay, and you know what? They think that because that is what you are telling them in your profile. You obviously don't like that answer, but that doesn't make it less true. No one has advocated that you lie about what you do. I don't lie to anyone about what I do, but it isn't in my profile either. It doesn't need to be, you know why? Because I am NOT my job/career. But when you lead with your sexuality, that is ALL men see. It's hard enough to get them to think past the concept that BDSM is the equivalent of "easy lay." Why do you want to lead them in that direction if that is not where you want to go? For fuck's sake, write a grown up profile about WHO you are, not what you do. When you receive an email that seems appealing, then embark on a conversation. As that progresses, what you both do for a living will come up. But by then, you will already have an idea if you are interested in the guy, and if he is interested in more than getting a private dance and playing stinky finger with you. Until you do that, the question of whether a guy is a jerk or not isn't going to go away. Like it or not, your profile reaches out to jerks with a big old freak flag and says, "over here guys!" So get a grip on reality chickie. People are trying to help you here. If you don't like it, take your toys, go home and figure it out for yourself. But if you think you aren't wondering about these guys because of what you do, then you are deluding yourself.

curious23 -> RE: Too jaded for love or sex? (5/31/2013 11:13:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady And the point is that it is going to continue to be hard to build that trust when the first thing men see about you is that you are a stripper. Being a stripper isn't about being "open about your sexuality" either, so don't even try to go there. Perhaps for you, that is why, but for the other girls? No, not about their sexuality at all. I worked in a number of go go bars years ago, and the girls being proud of their sexuality had nothing to do with it. So just get off your little high horse about what being a stripper is. For whatever reason you have become jaded and unable to trust, it isn't based in the messages you get here. It is something else that happened prior to this. Perhaps you were burned by an ex. I don't know and it doesn't matter to me. It should matter to you. Because you need to come to terms with what went wrong that caused things, your part and what you can do different. But you will STILL get more messages from guys figuring you are an easy lay, and you know what? They think that because that is what you are telling them in your profile. You obviously don't like that answer, but that doesn't make it less true. No one has advocated that you lie about what you do. I don't lie to anyone about what I do, but it isn't in my profile either. It doesn't need to be, you know why? Because I am NOT my job/career. But when you lead with your sexuality, that is ALL men see. It's hard enough to get them to think past the concept that BDSM is the equivalent of "easy lay." Why do you want to lead them in that direction if that is not where you want to go? For fuck's sake, write a grown up profile about WHO you are, not what you do. When you receive an email that seems appealing, then embark on a conversation. As that progresses, what you both do for a living will come up. But by then, you will already have an idea if you are interested in the guy, and if he is interested in more than getting a private dance and playing stinky finger with you. Until you do that, the question of whether a guy is a jerk or not isn't going to go away. Like it or not, your profile reaches out to jerks with a big old freak flag and says, "over here guys!" So get a grip on reality chickie. People are trying to help you here. If you don't like it, take your toys, go home and figure it out for yourself. But if you think you aren't wondering about these guys because of what you do, then you are deluding yourself. You TOTALLY missed the point of my original post. Read the whole thread if you care to have your facts straight about the quality and quantity of my messages. As far as stripping goes, it IS about sexuality to ME and I enjoy the hell out of it. Sorry if you didn't but don't group me with you or those you know. Again, read the thread if you care to know what I'm ACTUALLY asking about. Learn to read or, as you put it, go home. Sorry if I come off as hostile but I hate when people criticize me and what I say based on false information that THEY got wrong.

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