learning to love bdsm (Full Version)

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km23 -> learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:00:34 PM)

ive always been submissive, my entire life.
but my partner isnt. was never interested in it untill he met me,
is it possible, in all honesty - for him to learn to love it the way i do ?
for it to mean as much to him as it does to me ?



RemoteUser -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:07:11 PM)

Ask him. It's a great way to find out.



lizi -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:07:15 PM)

In all honesty, who knows? If it's that important to you then perhaps you should have tried to find a relationship match with that important piece in place. Maybe he'll try to do it for you, but it's really hard to say if it's something that will go beyond that or not.



km23 -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:29:33 PM)

well weve been together since i was like 15 .. wasnt aware at the age of 15 that this was going to be such a big part of my life, so not really something i considered at the time lizi !
we have tried briefly... and its a little wierd mainly due to the fact i dont feel like weve got the d/s connection that i would with someone who was naturally dominant



SimplyMichael -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:36:31 PM)

Most men like sex, most men like hotter sex...

Yeah, it can be done.



poise -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:38:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: km23
ive always been submissive, my entire life.
but my partner isnt. was never interested in it untill he met me,
well weve been together since i was like 15 ..
wasnt aware at the age of 15 that this was going to be such a big part of my life,

Anything is possible. However, I'm a little confused by your history with him.
You say you've been a submissive all your life, yet, he has been your boyfriend since
you were 15, and now that you're 21, you realize this is such a big part of your life.

Who have you actually been living this big part of your life with for the past 6 years, if not with him?



JeffBC -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:42:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: km23
ive always been submissive, my entire life. but my partner isnt. was never interested in it untill he met me, is it possible, in all honesty - for him to learn to love it the way i do ? for it to mean as much to him as it does to me ?

You will find two camps. Some say yes, some say no.

For myself personally I do not believe in the mystical dominant or submissive gene. Nor do I believe that most of human behavior can be reduced down to such simple concepts. What I do have, however, is a lively respect for the adaptability of humans when they wish to change. My experience in this area tells me most people have no interest in changing. Does you two? (I say "you two" because it'll be a process for both of you... you walk that path together or not at all).



km23 -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 7:49:30 PM)


I never knew what it really was when i was 15, just sort of brushed it off, then me and him split for about 6 months ... thats when i lived the bdsm lifestyle and found how much i needed it. but ended up getting back together due to a pregnancy. now after having my child etc, ive realised i need it back .. but not sure he can provide this?



poise -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/8/2013 8:11:22 PM)

There really isn't a way for any of us to gauge what his interest level will be.
It sounds like you have quite a bit of doubt yourself as to whether or not
he can be the dominant that meets your definition, it's almost as though
you are setting him up to fail by comparing him to your 6 month experience.

The best advice I can give you is, if you want him to be your dominant, then start submitting.





HisPet21 -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 7:28:51 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

The best advice I can give you is, if you want him to be your dominant, then start submitting.




This^^^



JeffBC -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 7:52:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise
The best advice I can give you is, if you want him to be your dominant, then start submitting.

Priceless.

Of course the vast majority of subs do exactly the opposite. They try to get someone to be their dominant by dominating the other person.



DesFIP -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 8:11:20 AM)

OP, you are setting him up to fail. You are expecting him to be as relaxed with this as a guy who had been doing in for twenty years.

If the first time you had sex, would you have enjoyed the guy telling you that you weren't naturally good at it, because you didn't automatically deep throat him without gagging? Because this is what you're doing to him.

You're married to him, but you won't even give him six months to learn, experiment and practice. Doing it this way, criticizing him guarantees that he's going to have a bad experience.

Stop having these expectations. Instead of expecting him to dominate you, you need to start submitting. His whole life he's been taught never to hit a girl, never to order one around yet you're ignoring this. Ask him to spank you, be fine with three half hearted spanks, and thank him for doing it. Tell him after, several times, that it was really hot and you would love it if next time he would do it harder and longer. Expect it to take six months to a year to be comfortable doing this. Give him lots of positive responses, be grateful and beg to suck his cock after he spanks you. Or to take you hard.

Ask him to make decisions for you. Tell him you're stressed out trying to decide what to make for dinner. That you could make burgers or a chicken pot pie (or whatever). Ask him to make the decision, and then thank him for taking the stress of decision making away. Let him see that him being in charge is a positive thing. And if he tells you to make spaghetti and meatballs and you aren't in the mood for them, make them and eat them happily. Because if you complain about it, then you've lied to him about wanting him to make the decisions. And he'll learn more from what you do than what you say.

So start submitting. If he likes his shoes and socks removed after work, get down on the floor and do that followed by rubbing his feet. Get him whatever he likes to drink, have it ready when he walks in the door. Greet him at the door with an enthusiastic kiss.



JeffBC -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 8:32:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
So start submitting....

You know the funny thing is, so long as we are discussing submitting and not bottoming I've learned you can't really stop someone from submitting. If she just started obeying or following whatever lead he set what would he do? If he gets an answer to that one could he forward it to me please?



DesFIP -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 8:35:53 AM)

He could tell her not to do it again, that he doesn't enjoy it. He could tell her to make her own decisions. He could turn it around and say "I don't know, what do you want?" Basically, he could stop leading which would prevent her from following.



graceadieu -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 9:02:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He could tell her not to do it again, that he doesn't enjoy it. He could tell her to make her own decisions. He could turn it around and say "I don't know, what do you want?" Basically, he could stop leading which would prevent her from following.


Yeah, a lot of people find it off-putting to have someone just do whatever they say and serve them. If they're not naturally a dominant kind of person (or alternatively, a selfish domineering person), it can seem weird, and could harm their relationship.

ETA: I think, if the OP's husband isn't naturally a dominant personality, she'd have better luck selling whatever submission she wants to do as a sex thing.



JeffBC -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 9:55:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
He could tell her not to do it again, that he doesn't enjoy it. He could tell her to make her own decisions. He could turn it around and say "I don't know, what do you want?" Basically, he could stop leading which would prevent her from following.

LOL, you'd be surprised how poorly that works out. Or, at least, it worked out pretty poorly for me. I tried all of those things.. diligently and over time... along with all the pressure I could muster.



DesFIP -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 10:10:27 AM)

But you nationally take the leadership position when there's an absence of power. So I think what you might say would not be the same as what you would do. And personally, when words and action disagree, I believe action.

However I digress. If somebody really doesn't want their partner submitting to them, it's easy enough to say that you aren't compatible. That you need a person who enjoys a different dynamic. That this isn't working and you find their manipulative attempts to put all the responsibility on you to be offensive.

My experience is that few people dislike others doing things for them. Instead they take what they can get while putting the other person down for not being able to stand up for themselves. Like all the guys who send gross email because they believe all submissive women are easy and enjoy being degraded and abused.



JeffBC -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 10:30:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
But you nationally take the leadership position when there's an absence of power. So I think what you might say would not be the same as what you would do. And personally, when words and action disagree, I believe action.

Sort of. I thought about my natural inclinations and how they played out for us and you're right that's certainly a part of it. But honestly, Carol was pretty determined so we might well have had our marriage at an entire standstill of "What do you want to do?" "I want to do what you want." That became intolerable for me quickly (as you noted). But it'd be the end of any relationship given time... which leads to your next comment.

However I digress. If somebody really doesn't want their partner submitting to them, it's easy enough to say that you aren't compatible. That you need a person who enjoys a different dynamic. That this isn't working and you find their manipulative attempts to put all the responsibility on you to be offensive.
That's where I ended up... divorce her or lead.

As I've pondered my response to this though I realize it's an entirely separate situation because Carol never wanted to submit. She just wanted to make me happy to the best of her ability. The reason she refused to even consider stopping "being mine" was because I admitted I still wanted that. Had I said something different she would have at least tried to be more assertive. This situation is different because the OP wants something for herself... something specific. In other words, she doesn't want to "submit" in the way I think of it. She wants to be served in some way and he may not want to do it.



SimplyMichael -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 10:48:07 AM)

All too many new "submissives" expect a dominant to magically make them submit, punish them into obedience, do some magical shit to make them not be the controling bitch they are tired of being.

Then when the poor fucker fails playing against a rigged game, they blame him for not being dominant enough.

As a single dom, you can be a hardass and say "obey or leave" till you die or find the chick who obeys but that doesnt work if you are already in one.

The trick is decide what you both want and work together to achieve it. Don't see misstakes as failure but as places to do better.








DesFIP -> RE: learning to love bdsm (6/9/2013 12:19:51 PM)

I'm not sure that ever works Michael. You can't expect anyone to say okay on a first date when you tell them to sign over their car to you. There's an amount of trust that needs to be built up first. He has to demonstrate that he's smart enough to handle the responsibilities and not just revel in the rights.

Yeah, you could say it but you wouldn't get anyone of quality to agree to it.



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