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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 9:09:16 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you for the tips, SimplyMichael :) Switchnsparky, thanks for your words, what you said helps me and gives me the hope I'll manage to find someone to share my kinky part, at last :) I'll keep visiting here, of course... everything here is so interesting!

(in reply to SwitchNSpanky)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 9:15:51 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom
I'd like to teach my slavegirl to act as a dog, to stay naked and bark instead of talking...

Yes, that is more than a bit unrealistic. I assume you can support this other person since they obviously could not hold a job (and you can support her through the rest of her life until she dies). I would also expect a wide variety of social malfunctions to occur with a human cut off from her species in that way. Such a thing is easy and fun for a lot of folks in relatively small doses. As a "rest of your life" thing it would almost certainly not work.

quote:

But I am also interested in a softer way of domination, that is focused on serving the Master but without the animal training part

Easy peasy. Find pretty much any woman (Ignoring the obvious existence of strongly dominant women for whom this would be unworkable). Treat her well. Tell her what it would take for her to treat you well. Watch magic ensue.

I'm being serious here. Beyond all the grovelling and punishment and erotic whatever there is a human who either wants to do nice things for you or does not. When you get beyond your fantasy and look at in real terms... "What would it take to cause a sane, rational, normal human being to devote their life to me?" you'll be getting somewhere close to the thought patterns I have when I think of words like "slave", "property", "mine", etc.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Robertodom)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 9:28:51 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
V

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 9:31:44 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		You're right JeffBC, and that's exacty what I meant when I said that I don't know how to start a relationship with a girl that will become my slave... The problem I have is how to make my fantasies come real in the real world... I don't think that a Dom/sub relationship have to be like I said before 24/7... there can be sessions, there can be a relationship that is not BDSM and that sometimes have some "BDSM moments"...

The problem I have is not "what to do" or "how to do it", but it is how to get in touch with a slavegirl, how to have a relationship with her... I am not a dominant person in my everyday life, I'm shy, quite dreamer... so I don't want to have a "Dr. Jeckyll-Mr.Hyde" relationship, in which I'm gentle and kind with a girl for all they and then, when we decide to do some BDSM I become a Dom... I want to know how to melt my two sides :)

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 9:42:42 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		Oof i wish i had advice for you. The only thing i canthink of is to not dismiss girls youalready know.look for the quiet people pleasers.no one who knows me woukd think i would, but the dom i see and his friend sniffed it out pretty quickly by mannerisms and then by response.i dont know if i were you if idgo to one of those clubs, let alone where one would be.if i were you,i might look for a vanilla girl, lol,because even if you do it wrong,we have no idea. Lol.



I think you mightbe able to get a gurl to lap out of a dish or whatever for shirt periods of time, but i dont know ....

(in reply to Robertodom)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 10:09:50 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		well, goodgirlmary, I think that perhaps the best idea is to get a vanilla girl and try to say to her how I feel... hoping not to shock her :)

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 10:21:56 AM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		She may be shocked for a day..but idk that you needto lay it all out right away. Just start a relationship and then slowly work her up to it maybe.you should be able to take cues from that.if she seems like shed be ok, broach the subject.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 10:58:46 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom
You're right JeffBC, and that's exacty what I meant when I said that I don't know how to start a relationship with a girl that will become my slave... The problem I have is how to make my fantasies come real in the real world... I don't think that a Dom/sub relationship have to be like I said before 24/7... there can be sessions, there can be a relationship that is not BDSM and that sometimes have some "BDSM moments"...

Of course there can be dynamics which are not 24/7... that'd be THE VAST MAJORITY of BDSM relationships. No worries on that score.

but it is how to get in touch with a slavegirl,
You go to where such women exist and you say "Hi". I know, I know. That's a trite answer but what other answer is there? I think the question you need to ask yourself is "what is such a woman?" Carol and I were and are pretty vanilla yet she obeys me completely in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. She does so because she loves me and because obedience comes to her naturally. I found her at a work party.

how to have a relationship with her
Again, I'm not wanting to sound flippant but... uh... you have a relationship with her and you try to treat her well. If you happen to have found a kinky masochist then part of treating her well might be "shoving the cattle prod up her twat" (LOL, thank you Ishtar for that reference). But in any relationship you treat your partner well or you lose them or you break them.

I am not a dominant person in my everyday life, I'm shy, quite dreamer... so I don't want to have a "Dr. Jeckyll-Mr.Hyde" relationship, in which I'm gentle and kind with a girl for all they and then, when we decide to do some BDSM I become a Dom... I want to know how to melt my two sides :)
Don't have two sides. Instead, remember that if you've got a person who wants this stuff then it's not "Mr. Hyde" to do them. Carol and I only do the authority dynamic part. I do not oppress Carol by bossing her around. She WANTS to find a good leader and follow. I am providing a service to her not taking something from her. I hope that makes sense.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Robertodom)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:01:05 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		You are overthinking it.

No dom/sub relationship works perfectly from day one. Even experienced folks have to get to know their new partner and figure out how their own unique dynamic will work. It takes time. It takes lots of communication. It takes two people learning to trust each other.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be the perfect dom from day one. When you find a woman you are interested in, be honest with her. If she feels the same and wants to try it, start small. No one expects you to be super-dom from day one. You will make mistakes, and so will she. You will change your mind about the best way to do things. You will try things that you don't like, and come to like things that you never thought you would. And all that is ok. As long as the two of you are a team and working towards something which makes you both happy, you are doing it right.

This is the main thing I have learned since I started out. Once you forget about the 'right' way to do things, and let go of the pressure to make everything perfect, you can relax and enjoy the journey. There is no end destination. Just two people, figuring out what works for them and making it happen, on and on.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Robertodom)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:12:25 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		From the OP "I am not a dominant person in my everyday life, I'm shy, quite dreamer... so I don't want to have a "Dr. Jeckyll-Mr.Hyde" relationship, in which I'm gentle and kind with a girl for all they and then, when we decide to do some BDSM I become a Dom... I want to know how to melt my two sides."

Some thoughts on what you said. Why do you see the Dom you as inherently different from the day to day you? A Dom can be just as kind and gentle as a vanilla guy. A vanilla guy can be just as controlling as a Dom without actually being one. It alarms me a little that you seem to be thinking that when you put on your Dom hat you leave the kind and gentle aspect of your personality behind.

If I may ask, what does it mean to you to be a Dom? How do you act different when you are a Dom. One of the most important qualities of a Dominant is that they have a solid understanding of who they are. You seem quite confused on that point.

_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:39:37 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you jeffBC for your words... I'll think about it, I think that what you said could help me to understand better what I want in BSDM. Dyfrynt, I don't think I am confused, I simply have some feelings and thoughts that make me desire to submit a woman and to make her my slave, to have a D/s relationship with her but I have no experience, so I can't say "what kind of Dom I am"... I have fantasies, but fantasies can't tell if I will be a gentle Dom or a strict Dom, a Dom who behaves in a certain way or in another... I think that my problem is experience, only this :)

(in reply to Dyfrynt)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:46:35 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Read some good books. Getting advice on the internet is like watching Jerry Springer and trying to derive something educational from it.

Join the leather community, go to events, meetings and munches, make friends, observe how those people with successful leather relationships conduct themselves and structure their dynamics.

Look for a mentor.


This.......

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:51:05 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I'll read some literotica and I've already read some books in the past years... but there is not a difference between books and reality?


When posters refer new people to the booklist they generally mean the Non Fiction list.

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(in reply to Robertodom)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:52:15 AM   
Robertodom


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/13/2013
Status: offline 		well, I don't think advices on the internet are so useless... they are a way to hear from other BDSMers how they began, what their experience is...

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 11:54:58 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Do you recommend any books for submissives?


Take a look at the Non Fiction in the booklist, read their descriptions in Amazon, and buy the ones that resonate with you.

Screw the Roses, The Topping Book, and The Bottoming Book were helpful to me when I was new.





_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 2:26:08 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Once you forget about the 'right' way to do things, and let go of the pressure to make everything perfect, you can relax and enjoy the journey. There is no end destination. Just two people, figuring out what works for them and making it happen, on and on.



This is so dead on. Once you get to the point where you don't care about labels, definitions, what everyone else is doing and the hyped up fantasies......you'll find out what actually works for you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 2:28:06 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

@ goodgirlmary "Secretary" was a good movie about submission... and I read somewhere that it was inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill... I didn't read the book, but if it is interesting as the movie was, it could be a good thing to read about submission :)


Yeah, not a good example. It's a woman that has psychiatric issues and uses BDSM as a crutch. And please note that BDSM is not Dominance and submission.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 2:35:41 PM   
goodgirlmary


Posts: 478
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		I thought doms and subs were under the bdsm umbrella?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 2:39:48 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		BDSM is Bondage/Discipline/Sado-Masochism. It's basically kinky sex.

You can engage in BDSM and not engage is D/s or M/s.

D/s is dominance and submission. You can engage in D/s and never engage in BDSM.

They are not the same acronym, although many have bastardized it.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/14/2013 2:41:40 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to goodgirlmary)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 3:56:33 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom
well, I don't think advices on the internet are so useless... they are a way to hear from other BDSMers how they began, what their experience is...

Except for.... my general observation is that BDSM on the internet bears little resemblance to BDSM that I see in the real world. Even here where people are theoretically talking about real life relationships you need to be very, very careful. If you read thread you'll note the experienced posters asking newbies regularly whether this is an internet-only relationship or a real world relationship. Hell, I've known posters who have gone on for a year talking assertively about their master and their relationship only to find it was all "the theoretical desired master and theoretical desired relationship" and not one scrap of what they had posted referenced any actual fact.

I don't think advice on the internet is useless either. But you seriously need to run it though a sanity filter. If you don't have a sanity filter, then you're fucked.

Oh... and I'm not the label police... neither is anyone else... but for communication purposes the word "slave" here tends to mean something like "24/7 no limits". What you are describing we generally refer to as "bottom" (bedroom only). In super-broad brush strokes that everyone will argue with:

Top/bottom: Bedroom play, kinky scenes.
Dom/sub: Authority extends outside of bedroom scenes and into regular life but with limits and boundaries and negotiations... partial control.
Master/slave: Authority is comprehensive.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 40
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