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RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 4:02:16 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

I'll read some literotica and I've already read some books in the past years... but there is not a difference between books and reality?


Of course there is a big difference, you are smart to realize that. Whenever anyone says just read erotica to learn about things, I laugh. Erotica is just for determining what you get off on and things you may want to try.

Personally, I don't believe in book learning for BDSM. I believe only in finding a partner you are compatible with on all levels and when trust is built up, then you can both try everything out to your heart's desire.

I will agree though, that it might be helpful to go to educational events if you want to know the proper flogging technique, etc. but even with that, I started as a teen and my partners and I educated ourselves in what to do.

Just don't rush into it and be very self aware of your feelings and your partner's feelings and views. Communication is key.

Porn while fun, photos while fun, erotica while fun, are not LIFE.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 4:08:41 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

@ goodgirlmary "Secretary" was a good movie about submission... and I read somewhere that it was inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill... I didn't read the book, but if it is interesting as the movie was, it could be a good thing to read about submission :)


Yeah, not a good example. It's a woman that has psychiatric issues and uses BDSM as a crutch. And please note that BDSM is not Dominance and submission.


I actually thought the book and movie were pretty good. I don't think she used BDSM as a crutch; she used cutting as a crutch. Instead, when she discovered BDSM and fell in love with the Dom, she was healthier than she had ever been. That was my take on it. They both got better as a result of it.

As for The Pet, which was mentioned, oy vey, that was the worst movie ever; it was about white slavery in the end, not D/s.

And of course, no book or film should be relied on to tell the whole story. Only real life can do that.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 4:32:08 PM   
OsideGirl


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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

@ goodgirlmary "Secretary" was a good movie about submission... and I read somewhere that it was inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill... I didn't read the book, but if it is interesting as the movie was, it could be a good thing to read about submission :)


Yeah, not a good example. It's a woman that has psychiatric issues and uses BDSM as a crutch. And please note that BDSM is not Dominance and submission.


I actually thought the book and movie were pretty good. I don't think she used BDSM as a crutch; she used cutting as a crutch. Instead, when she discovered BDSM and fell in love with the Dom, she was healthier than she had ever been. That was my take on it. They both got better as a result of it.



From a psychological point, without addressing the underlying issue of why she was cutting, it would be considered a crutch. And I honestly think that pointing to it as a good example of D/s is a bad example: "Got self destructive tendencies? Try BDSM, it will cure ya!"

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 6:40:21 PM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom
Dyfrynt, I don't think I am confused, I simply have some feelings and thoughts that make me desire to submit a woman and to make her my slave, to have a D/s relationship with her but I have no experience, so I can't say "what kind of Dom I am"... I have fantasies, but fantasies can't tell if I will be a gentle Dom or a strict Dom, a Dom who behaves in a certain way or in another... I think that my problem is experience, only this :)


That you have no experience is certainly one of the issues, I agree with you. Don't think it is the only one though. You have said you are not a dominant person. That means you are not a Dom. You seem to want to have a fantasy played out in real life. There's nothing wrong with that. You have to understand they you are play acting though.

As to the experience, several good suggestions have already been made on how to gain that experience. You can learn all the correct ways to use the tools of the trade, but that is only part of the equation. Domination is a state of mind. There is not a gentle side or a strict side, there is just one side. You would use gentleness and strictness as the situation requires, just as you would use the whip or loving touch as the situation required.

The biggest thing I have not heard from you is what do you want for your partner? All you have said is what you want. Have you considered what she wants? It's the other half of the D/s equation. This is that state of mind I was referring to. You are not playing with a doll. There is another human being involved here. You have to be in a place inside your head where you are juggling all these things all at the same time.


_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/14/2013 7:07:02 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

Well, I'm new to this world and now, for the first time since I knew I was a Dominant, I decided to look for a slavegirl... but I have no experience and I don't really know how to begin a D/s relationship, what to do with a slave, how to do a BDSM session... So I'm a little bit afraid, I'm afraid I won't manage to create a good Dom/sub relationship... so what could I do? How could I get a little bit experienced? Thanks to everyone who'll reply :)


You take charge of the relationship and of her. Simple. There's really nothing more to it.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/19/2013 6:09:19 AM   
hrxxx


Posts: 294
Joined: 5/13/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Robertodom

So I have to read and to watch other BDSMers and learn from them... Many of you write that I need a Mentor... what do you mean exactly with it? Is he someone more similar to a "teacher" or someone who gives advices using his experience?


For me it was a female switch about 12 years older then me, and it´s not a bad thing to receive pain, if you want to learn how to give pain, a whip can be very powerfull.
Try to search for girls who are older than yourself and with experience, you need not search for serious relationship, but more for playdate or play partner, and be honest if you are inexperienced and you are looking for someone to train with you.

_____________________________

I have to realize that against stupidity even the gods struggle in vain.

I do not care about your comment! Because I think so little of you!

(in reply to Robertodom)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/19/2013 7:30:24 AM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
From a psychological point, without addressing the underlying issue of why she was cutting, it would be considered a crutch. And I honestly think that pointing to it as a good example of D/s is a bad example: "Got self destructive tendencies? Try BDSM, it will cure ya!"


I didn't get that message at all from the movie. She was cutting herself in order to feel something, anything. He made her feel alive.

Far more interesting was the character of Mr. Grey. The internal conflict between being himself and being a good citizen was intense. I've had to go through that myself. It goes against everything I've ever been taught to want to own and beat women; it took me a long time to get over that.

But, by far, the best scene was where her master told her to stay. So she stayed - no matter who tried to talk her out of it or even force her to leave. She did what her master told her to. She was a good girl.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/19/2013 7:33:02 AM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		OP: Here's something that isn't in the books.

When I buy a new toy I always try it out on my calf first. The calf is not a fun and sexy place to be beaten (for most) so it's a good indicator of how it will feel on your sub.

(in reply to MalcolmNathaniel)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/20/2013 12:07:35 AM   
Whatever13


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/14/2013
Status: offline 		I am a new Dom and have a mentor/sub but am still trying to find more information and understanding of the whole lifestyle. So far I have read many different threads here and on fetlife but feel like I am missing so vital piece of information......

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: How can I get experienced? - 6/20/2013 8:07:54 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Roberto, you seem to feel that the only good leader is one who barks orders. That's probably the worst. Think about different bosses you've had. Which one inspired you to work the hardest; the asshole who criticized you and yelled at you in front of everyone or the one who saw when you had a problem and quietly advised you how to fix it and then praised you for doing a good job?

Same here. If you want to be in charge of the decision making in the relationship then you need to be competent in decision making. You need to be a good person; honest, caring, with integrity. You need to think about how your decisions will impact your partner before telling her what to do.

And you need to pay attention to her, to see what inspires her and what doesn't. There's a lot of talk about punishing people for tiny mistakes. That doesn't work in the office and it doesn't work at home. It makes people give up trying, because they know they'll never succeed. Does she respond best if you say thanks or if you say good girl? To motivate someone you have to know what works for them, not what works for you.

Are you honest, dependable, consistent? Do you keep your word always, no matter how small the matter? Because if not, then you'll never have a good relationship, kinky or vanilla.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 50
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