RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 8:02:13 PM)

Thank you kyra, i appreciate you offering your story, ill be honest it is really hurting, its a combination of loosing him and being blamed for something i have not done....but your post reminds me to keep it in perspective, these are little steps, and my involvement with him was based on the idea of helping him heal, that is what i should keep my focus on...and he really has to do the rest...



quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress
His reasoning is this: He feels that there is a possibility that his judgment is so bad based in past results, that he is probably missing something and that it is because he can not see how i could possibly hurt him, that i could hurt him because he could never did see the other hurts coming either...
 
He can not trust me because he does not trust himself ..and he is intelligent enough to see it, and humble enough to admit it, but is still paralyzed to do anything about it.......and that is what  makes me so sad today......can you see the heart of the matter more clearly now?


These two paragraphs really hit home for me.  I was in this same position just a few years ago.  You can't trust anyone else if you can't even trust yourself.  For me, it took many small little leaps of faith.  Trusting myself in something that doesn't risk too much and then validating that I made a good decision.  Then slowly increasing the amount of risk in each decision, until I believed that I could trust myself again.  The challenging tests have come when I decided I was ready to be in a relationship again.  The risks are so much greater but then for me it comes down to the fact that I trust myself to take care of me.  Even if it all goes horribly wrong, I know I can take care of me, but it took years for me to reach this point.

It isn't an easy path to walk, but it can be done; I hope he finds his way to trusting himself again.

Knight's kyra



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 8:03:35 PM)

sees DHR reading and sneaks up to give her a wet willy before she can post...



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 8:13:18 PM)

OMG thank you... what a lovely picture you painted in my mind of the bridge....if you read me at all you will notice i am always talking in pictures, not just because i enjoy poetry but because it gives me a greater depth of understanding...and that is what your picture did, a bridge built one stone at a time....
 
As far as cloning me, i would love to have a few of me around too, the dishes pile up awfully high these days....
 
I so appreciate your input, i will be patient with this wonderful creature because i agree he is so worth it, even if i never own him because it is not about that...it is about him owning himself...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Irishblu

To me trust is a bridge in any relationship/friendship.  It is built one stone at a time.  You being the supporting friend you are, believe me is a HUGE stone on that bridge.  No one can say what it is exactly that will turn that light on over his head and he realizes "Hey, this person is someone I can trust", it will just happen.
 
All I can say to you is, just be there for him.  Let him know that even scarred and damaged (to ME that is how it feels when you have been hurt) he is worth trust.  It is so hard when those scars that are deep, will push some people away.  Making you feel that you have done something wrong.  From just reading this post, I wish we could clone you crouching tigress!!  Seems you see past those and see him for who he is.  My hat off to you!
 
To those that have been hurt and trust is a big issue, you know it's just not the other person you need to realize you can trust, but YOURSELF.  That is where it all starts, within ourselves. 
 
I'd wave my magic wand if I could, but the batteries died! LOL  That is what my youngest offspring says when she has been hurt and comes to me.  I tell her, I cannot fix you, but I love you no matter what.
 
imho...
 
Be safe and be well,
irish [:)]



scratchingpost -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 8:33:11 PM)

I know how difficult and painful this is for you to deal with. My boy has had some past issues with seriously bad dominas. I find that each day it is  a slow painstaking task to earn and keep his trust. Some days it is frustrating sometimes it is heartwrenching as I see him struggle wtih his demons.

You can only be yourself and love and nurture and care and hope for the best. trust is not only earned but must be expanded and kept up on. A daunting task when you know inside you that you would never do anything to harm  your boy but he fails to see it. I can only say time and hard diligent work is the only way to help them get through this.

So many have been abused shakes head sadly I m happy he found You for even if the relationship itself fails, he will have experienced a kindess and care he never experienced before and hopefully will internalize that and I hope it pushes out some of the negative experiences of his youth. You have given him a precious gift and a building block he has never had before...I hope he grows from it and together you build something lasting and special.



Evanesce -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 8:40:28 PM)

quote:

But what i am so sad about, and why i am writing to share from my heart, is that almost immediately his trust issues came up, and it was like a brick wall....there was no getting over, digging under, coaxing him over to me, or even parachuting down....
 
I am ok,  yes i love this boy and i am hurting, but that is the risk of love and it will most likly pass in several days leaving just the wonderful memories in its wake...but i am so sad for him. I know i cant "save" him and its silly to try ect...but i am still just sad, and angry that folks do this to their kids and fuck them up so soundly....


CT, your feelings for this boy have touched me deeply.  It's sad what has been done to him, but it's not only children who are used and damaged in this way.  It happens to adult men, too - usually at the hands of adult women.
 
The best advice I can give to you is to not try to be his "dominant."  Instead... be his friend.  If you genuinely care for this boy, and I can see that you do, be there for him.  Make being in your company a safe haven for him and, if it's meant to be, in time those walls of his will come down.  It takes a lot of patience, though, and only you know if he is worth that effort.



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 9:42:59 PM)

Thank you scrathingpost, your words are helpful i hope that your boy finds the strenth he needs to slay them once and for all and with your help i am so sure that he will.




quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost

I know how difficult and painful this is for you to deal with. My boy has had some past issues with seriously bad dominas. I find that each day it is  a slow painstaking task to earn and keep his trust. Some days it is frustrating sometimes it is heartwrenching as I see him struggle wtih his demons.

You can only be yourself and love and nurture and care and hope for the best. trust is not only earned but must be expanded and kept up on. A daunting task when you know inside you that you would never do anything to harm  your boy but he fails to see it. I can only say time and hard diligent work is the only way to help them get through this.

So many have been abused shakes head sadly I m happy he found You for even if the relationship itself fails, he will have experienced a kindess and care he never experienced before and hopefully will internalize that and I hope it pushes out some of the negative experiences of his youth. You have given him a precious gift and a building block he has never had before...I hope he grows from it and together you build something lasting and special.



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/26/2006 9:48:29 PM)

*hugs Denise*.... gosh sweetie, your words are so comforting to me right now, i know i like to laugh and play alot but this is really sucking and it is so nice to feel your support and kindness....I will absolutely offer friendship first, hard as that is with him cause he is sooooooooo yummers, and i will really hope he takes it....*wink at you* yes indeed he is worth the effort.....


quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce

quote:

But what i am so sad about, and why i am writing to share from my heart, is that almost immediately his trust issues came up, and it was like a brick wall....there was no getting over, digging under, coaxing him over to me, or even parachuting down....
 
I am ok,  yes i love this boy and i am hurting, but that is the risk of love and it will most likly pass in several days leaving just the wonderful memories in its wake...but i am so sad for him. I know i cant "save" him and its silly to try ect...but i am still just sad, and angry that folks do this to their kids and fuck them up so soundly....


CT, your feelings for this boy have touched me deeply.  It's sad what has been done to him, but it's not only children who are used and damaged in this way.  It happens to adult men, too - usually at the hands of adult women.
 
The best advice I can give to you is to not try to be his "dominant."  Instead... be his friend.  If you genuinely care for this boy, and I can see that you do, be there for him.  Make being in your company a safe haven for him and, if it's meant to be, in time those walls of his will come down.  It takes a lot of patience, though, and only you know if he is worth that effort.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 12:22:43 AM)

I'm sorry this is happening to you CrouchingTigress.
I've loved more than one man with trust issues, and have hurt as a result.    Nowadays, I'm not entirely as generous as you/others who've responded are.   I tend to back off and try to save myself if/when I feel that I'm willing/vested emotionally and taking chances, but he isn't.
Like you though, I cannot and will not stop trusting, because I am simply unable to live that way.   M



SusanofO -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 12:56:49 AM)

I read a theory in a book recently that was very intriguing to me re: Why some folks get really tough stuff to deal with in life more than others. I do believe this is true.

Anyway, the basic idea in the book I read was: "The people aiming for the most "spiritual evolvment" while they are here on this planet are the ones that get the really tough "assignments". 

It's described in this book as "part of the grand plan" (I do think there is one, regardless of whether I know what it is. I don't know if it's caused by GOD or a giant mushroom, but I think it's there). Anyway, the book said: The tougher the person's "Earthly assignment", then the more "evolvement" via this life that person is aiming for.

I thought: What a great concept! Sort of throws the whole idea about being more concerned about whether you have a Lexus in the driveway as being more important than sending a donation in to "Save the Children" on its head, doesn't it? Sort of makes starving Somalian refugees look a bit more noble, all of a sudden than, some celebrity earning a rdiculous salary, doesn't it (but I don't want to get preachy -ick).

**If it's any consolation to you, the book also said the people these people have as important figures in their lives are there because they are the ones (like yourself) best suited (of the 11 billion or so other people they could maybe have been tossed together with) to help them deal with _____(sometimes you think it's one thing and might be another, could be what you think it is) but in any case - I think it's flattering (to you) that you're the one there to help them evolve. I know it seems to be slow going. But obviously they need someone who has the strength to try and help - and for now, for awhile (hopefully for maybe longer), guess you're it. It's a huge compliment (as you know), even if it's taking them a long awhile to "open up." 

As far as "methods" go for doing that, I am a big fan of the "open-ended story" where someone writes their life story complete with monsters and  dragons and witches, etc, but they get to be the hero, in the end (along with their "friends, lovers", etc.), because they've discovered (just like in the book The Wizard of Oz, at the risk of sounding really really sappy) that  they are highly capable of fending off even the meanest Werewolf or vampire or ghost (especially the ghosts). Writing (like journaling) can be so much more private than talking. At the center where I volunteer, these unmentionables don't need to even show anyone what theywrote if they don't want to - just that they did write something.

I know my experience is with children, but it has been that: Opening up for them can take awhile - sometimes months and years. But in my experience, there can be a lot of healing going on underneath the surface that may not be apparent to the naked eye, so don't underestimate how much good just being available for someone can be, I say. 

And the "write your own story" method can be adapted for adults (I've seen therapists do that). It appeared to help the unmentionable who has been at the institute I volunteer at for the past 6 weeks whose last pair of foster parents burned him with cigarettes over 1/3 of his 13 year old body (and he's a paraplegic). He's not an adult, per se, but he's not a kid, either (he seems about 80 years old mentally. He is also one f the sweetest, most cheerful people I've ever met. The world simply does not deserve this unmentionable - he's too good for them. I will never complain about having a "bad hair day" again - ever.

Hope this wee bit of  my two cents sends some comfort. And congrats for hanging in there, and good luck.

Everyone has their "challenges", but it does seem to me some people start out with a bigger load to carry and it just keeps getting bigger sometimes (I mean why wasn't I born starving in Somalia...? Why them and not me? I was pretty lucky in the parental department, too). 

I can only say I really tip my figurative hat to these folks. 
Maybe they'd never have been allowed to get that kind of life if it was felt they were beneath ultimately handling it (which still doesn't mean, their lives don't really suck sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, anyway).  - Susan 



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 5:12:11 AM)

Thank you for your perspective Blktallfullfig, living in a world that folks dont trust eachother is pointless, i would rather be hurt, then to not trust the world as well...i think healing is a process that in itself is an amazing journey, and i think that i would not want to miss out on all that self discovery even though it was hard and sucked at times.
 
I wish you all the best as you continue to heal.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

I'm sorry this is happening to you CrouchingTigress.
I've loved more than one man with trust issues, and have hurt as a result.    Nowadays, I'm not entirely as generous as you/others who've responded are.   I tend to back off and try to save myself if/when I feel that I'm willing/vested emotionally and taking chances, but he isn't.
Like you though, I cannot and will not stop trusting, because I am simply unable to live that way.   M



LokisBrat -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 5:37:55 AM)

SusanofO: I'd love to know the title of this book!
Thanks!

[:D]
Brat



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 5:38:24 AM)

 
Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all".
 
i dont know if this is new but i just read it for the first time....funny how that is.
 
i have been so touched by the compassion and empathy on this thread, it has been an amazing read. i feel the same way about the harder lessons meaning the greater opportuity for spiritual advancement. I have always believed that since my own personal struggle and ultimate redemtion.  And you know what even if it is not true who cares? going through life with that mindset id going to serve you better and you will get farther then thinking that life sucks and nothing means anything.
 
i am trying to reprogram myself, i want to look at the good in life, if some one cuts me off on the highway instead of thinking they are a jerk, it is so much more freeing to me to think that they are rushing to the hospital having a baby....who cares if it is true, what matters is that i can feel good about myself and the world.
 
it sounds like your unmentionable friend has that down cold, there is nothing that cant be accomplished with that attitude and he will go far. has he drafted a blue print for his dreaqms yet? maybe you could help him dream as big as he possibly can as he is moving into adult hood. Maybe you could reant some anthony robbins cds from the library and let him listen to all the storys he telss of people he knows that have faced paralyzation and full body full degree burs and become millionares and pillars of the comunity and actually feel lucky that the things they experianced came to be.
 
i know for myself i would not change a thing, i know my hardships made me the comapssionate person i am today, i know also that because of them i am able to reach out, and help others.
 
its funny but you would think that i would feel judged having been a pro, and junkie ect....but i never have, i have always met folks that accepted me for who i am and loved me through. sometimes i forget all of that, sometimes i forget the millions of steps it took me to get here and i rush other folks to skip thier million steps....
 
i think my lesson right now is patience, and learning to love with out expectation, learning to love unconditionally. I think that there are no accidents, and it is because of this thread i am so much more clear of my purpose, that this boy was put into my path for a reason, and that by helping him i will of course help myself to heal.
 
the work you do and the heart you have susanofo is beautiful, you touch peoples lives, you offer thenm strenth wisdom and love, bith here onthe boards (i am a fan) and in your life...you are a very special person...i wish you all the best this world offers as you go through your journey...
 
 
i wrote a song couple years back
 
what if you can make wings
out of feathers glue and strings
and put them on and they would help you fly away
any where you dreamed of
carried on the wings of love
and all your fears and worrys they would mealt away
its not a fairy tale its true
and you dont need strings and glue
only thing you need to do
is close your eyes, open your heart, and imagine today.
 
keep up the good work susan...love leather and laughter....amy








Sirandlittle1 -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 6:14:45 AM)

I had some trust issues. Blind faith was a romantic notion. Utter clap trap. why should i trust others. Why should i take risks. Its a way of staying safe. Its also a way of staying a victim. A loser mentality  for sure.
Personally, some people shat on my childhood, im fucked if they are having my future as well.
I learned trust from someone who could be trusted.
He showed me over and over again, how he could be relied upon. How his word was his bond. That consistantly, time afer time, he came through for me. And slowly, bit by bit, i trusted him.
It took years and years to get your fella where he is now. It will take years to get out of it. And now its decision time. Either he decides to put his shit down, and stop dragging it around with him for the rest of his life. Missing out on opportunities by refusing to take risks. Or he's buried alive.
Some people are damaged. And are hell bent. I met a young girl last week just like this.
Will it get better? she asked. Having listened to how she was surviving. It was like everything she put in place to support her, i saw as destroying her chances of recovery and freedom from her destructive path. She has sewn her life up just so, so that she doesnt take risks. avoids change like its lava. No, she wont get better. She has too much to gain if she does. And the thought of losing what she might gain, is so unbearable to her that it is literally keeping her prisoner for life. Sometimes, to accept that people dont change, is truly hard to bear.
Try not to get caught up in the transference here. He is putting out helpless, hopeless vibes. Its a crock of shit, hopeless and helpless is a state of mind, not fact. We all have choice. He is making his. And that's tough for anyone to listen to, as its so destructive.
I wish you well in your recovery from this. It has clearly touched your soul, and that is a credit to you.
I hope that some light comes into your life, to counter this darkness. In any shape or form.
be well
little1



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 6:25:57 AM)

i hear what you are saying, and i appreciate the blunt way that you put it, because it is really and from the heart.
 
i think we dont stop growing till we die, and i honestly think that no one is immune from evolving while they are here.
 
i am no longer invested as a girlfriend, mistress or lover, and in fact that i am finding that to be freeing, now i can be there as a friend who simply enjoys his company, no pressure, no expectation, and we can see where it goes from here...
 
i am glad you found something wonderful and transformational, i am sure that while you were in that transition there were hopless and helpless vibes too, but in the end step by step you moved through them, and now live a happy fufilled life with the man of your dreams...i wish you two all the best....


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

I had some trust issues. Blind faith was a romantic notion. Utter clap trap. why should i trust others. Why should i take risks. Its a way of staying safe. Its also a way of staying a victim. A loser mentality  for sure.
Personally, some people shat on my childhood, im fucked if they are having my future as well.
I learned trust from someone who could be trusted.
He showed me over and over again, how he could be relied upon. How his word was his bond. That consistantly, time afer time, he came through for me. And slowly, bit by bit, i trusted him.
It took years and years to get your fella where he is now. It will take years to get out of it. And now its decision time. Either he decides to put his shit down, and stop dragging it around with him for the rest of his life. Missing out on opportunities by refusing to take risks. Or he's buried alive.
Some people are damaged. And are hell bent. I met a young girl last week just like this.
Will it get better? she asked. Having listened to how she was surviving. It was like everything she put in place to support her, i saw as destroying her chances of recovery and freedom from her destructive path. She has sewn her life up just so, so that she doesnt take risks. avoids change like its lava. No, she wont get better. She has too much to gain if she does. And the thought of losing what she might gain, is so unbearable to her that it is literally keeping her prisoner for life. Sometimes, to accept that people dont change, is truly hard to bear.
Try not to get caught up in the transference here. He is putting out helpless, hopeless vibes. Its a crock of shit, hopeless and helpless is a state of mind, not fact. We all have choice. He is making his. And that's tough for anyone to listen to, as its so destructive.
I wish you well in your recovery from this. It has clearly touched your soul, and that is a credit to you.
I hope that some light comes into your life, to counter this darkness. In any shape or form.
be well
little1



spankmepink11 -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 7:04:17 AM)

I'll be the first to admit that i have trust issues.  and yes they stem from childhood . I don't believe i have  let them rule my life per se,  but they have contributed to the demise of a relationship or two. (unfortunately in those situations the trust "issues" were well founded.)
 
 What i have allowed to rule my life is the fact that my choices, decisions, and the placing of  complete trust in another, affects not only me...but my offspring as well.  They are our hostages of fortune, and as such, deserve the utmost consideration before  "taking risks".
 I'll happily continue to err on the side of caution.....at least  for the next few years  [;)]
 
 Crouchingtigress...i can only repeat the sentiments of others....if possible...be a friend to this person, and show through consistancy...that some people...can indeed be trusted.
 
 



Tamerofwild1s -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 10:28:08 AM)

CT . I have seen alot of your threads .. I think you personally are an amazing woman ..... I am sure you will find away to get thru the trust issue ....
 
there is away to make a horse drink once you lead him to the pool of tasty waters ..... it takes a long time
over and over again as you sit there with your horse waiting for him to drink .. simply look into  his eyes and say . you know you want a drink ... you know you do .... and I can out wait your resisitence !! ...... now this will seem weird to some . but I have a funny feeling as your reading it the light bulb is going off and your smiling cause you of all people understand alot of what I say in threads ..... lubs ya woman . you'll figure this solution out <wink>



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 11:00:10 AM)

thank you spank me, you are such a good mom, making sure your unmentionables are protected and safe...and in some ways its really a gift they give you because you a forced to be very careful when falling for a guy...*wink*...i will take that advice, i think it is good stuff, and i wish all the best as you work through your stuff too...



quote:

ORIGINAL: spankmepink11

I'll be the first to admit that i have trust issues.  and yes they stem from childhood . I don't believe i have  let them rule my life per se,  but they have contributed to the demise of a relationship or two. (unfortunately in those situations the trust "issues" were well founded.)
 
 What i have allowed to rule my life is the fact that my choices, decisions, and the placing of  complete trust in another, affects not only me...but my offspring as well.  They are our hostages of fortune, and as such, deserve the utmost consideration before  "taking risks".
 I'll happily continue to err on the side of caution.....at least  for the next few years  [;)]
 
 Crouchingtigress...i can only repeat the sentiments of others....if possible...be a friend to this person, and show through consistancy...that some people...can indeed be trusted.
 
 



crouchingtigress -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 11:07:58 AM)

It really touches my heart you would say that about me, thank you *grin*...
 
You certainly do have a way about you...i agree there is something so erotic about being enticed past your trust issues, actually in all honesty i can think of anything more erotic, why did i fall so hard for this boy? because is painfully shy and so Innocent and beautiful, and what i really dig is he knows he has these issues and knows he is paralyzed by them, and he is purposefully seeking a dominant to help give him the gentle push he needs to look at these things.
 
I hope i can live up to that, i luv you too Tamer, i will find a solution i have already grown so much in the last few days...i know the solution is out there.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Tamerofwild1s

CT . I have seen alot of your threads .. I think you personally are an amazing woman ..... I am sure you will find away to get thru the trust issue ....
 
there is away to make a horse drink once you lead him to the pool of tasty waters ..... it takes a long time
over and over again as you sit there with your horse waiting for him to drink .. simply look into  his eyes and say . you know you want a drink ... you know you do .... and I can out wait your resisitence !! ...... now this will seem weird to some . but I have a funny feeling as your reading it the light bulb is going off and your smiling cause you of all people understand alot of what I say in threads ..... lubs ya woman . you'll figure this solution out <wink>



SusanofO -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 11:45:33 PM)

To Lokisbrat: Oh it's the series of Sylvia Browne's books (any of them will go into her veiws of the afterlife and why and how we are here. I lent that one book to a freind but think it is titled: Something...Afterlife (sorry, wish I could be more helpful - if you google Sylvia Browne her books are listed.

Her contention is that people choose their "dilemmas" on Earth, as well as what they plan to do here and with who (parents, spouses or partners, even pets), before they incarnate (are born). Then they forget about that because if they remembered life wouldn't cause them to grow spiritually as much. It makes as much sense to me as anything else does, frankly.

A lot of people think she is a quack. She's not a great writer and cranks out books like hotcakes, and I've no doubt she is making money from her psychic abilities but - we all have to make a living, don't we? I think she just might be a genuine psychic. If she is a shyster, I guess I gave her about $50 - oh well.

I saw Jonathan Edwards when he was in my  hometown about two years ago (he used to have a show on tv late at night - he's supposed to be psychic, too). He told me there was a relative of mine from 2 generations back trying to communicate with me that I'd never met (he died before I was born). I'd never heard of him before, but Jonathan described him to a tee and said his arm was bleeding (he was apparently in some kind of accident with farm equipment and lost use of most of his left arm and hand) . I went home and told my dad, and he said that must be my dad's brother, Joe. That sent chills up my spine.  - Susan



SusanofO -> RE: When You Hit a Brick Wall of Trust..... (6/27/2006 11:47:43 PM)

I think when some people get to heaven they are going to be surprised at who's there, hehe. - Susan



Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875