RE: how often do you contact your dom

RE: how often do you contact your dom (Full Version)

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kalikshama -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 1:04:30 PM)
quote: Dear god the typos..sorry just got this tablet I think you should slow down on this too because some will not bother to decipher your posts and you may lose out on good advice.

goodgirlmary -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 1:10:13 PM)
That a great story, glad it worked out for you my otherself! Kalikshama im not opposed to other women, i really gave it no thought. It was a way to please him,so though i was unintrested I went ahead to make him happy. Sorta glad,well almost,he bailed today. I guess I need to think a few things out.it is not a requirement to accomodate her, but it causes trouble to not.Really, as much as he may be playing some sort of mind game, I have enjoyed our time. I am surprised how fast I moved into this all.Today was the first time I was able to speak outside of them about it,and for that,I am insanely grateful.My fault in this all is fairly obvious. I got swept up in something fast and new, and pretty much unsustainable. Whereas I did not text or message unless I was supposed to, it is still silly to rearrange so much of my life .I get it, I see it. I am still going to play as long as he will have me. But more carefully. I am giving the round the clock submission but not receiving similar dom time. I am actually typing pretty slow.it is a nook and the keyboard is really small.

littleone35 -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 3:09:12 PM)
hmm since i live with him and married to him i contact him every day. I try not to bother him at work though Matt's littleone

LittleGirlHeart -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 3:20:41 PM)
Daddy called me everyday. I was free to call him as much as I wanted, though he didn't want me racking up huge phone bills. So I would call and he'd call me right back on his cell. We still call and text every single day almost, and we live together. The boss has started cracking down on ppl being on the phone, so it's getting harder and harder for him to answer sometimes, but that's ok. I leave a voicemail and he calls back when he can. If it's important I call his work and politely ask to speak to_____ if he's available and they will go get him. And Daddy would never blow off or miss play dates, unless something significant came up, he was ALWAYS without fail there when he said he'd be.

goodgirlmary -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 4:13:45 PM)
Well,that is important.I had a brief flicker of a thought that this may be punishment for me cancelling last week. Gosh I hope so,as I just bought him saran wrap and zip ties, you know for fathers day. That looks incredibly screwed up in writing.

DarkSteven -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 4:25:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven My rule of thumb is that it takes three contacts per week - in person, hone, text, email, IM, whatever - or things get too distant. That said, if he's your Dom, he should be the one to set the rules. I personally need far more than 3 contacts a week. I call or email Himself at least once a day at work. And I live with him ! My error. I should have said AT LEAST three contacts per week. quote: My sub calls me everyday. Sure, there are days we don't connect, and nobody panics. We always tell each other if we are traveling or for some reason will be out of contact. This is basic human courtesy. I totally disagree with your 'dom should set the rules' statement. The couple should set the rules. Some people might be great with 3 times a week, I consider that limited contact. Some may need 10 contacts a day. I think it's a great way to see how compatible you are. If me calling or emailing Himself every day was annoying to him, this would have made us incompatible in the long run. If the Dom has all the info and he can't come to a decision regarding how often contact should be, he's no Dom.

LittleGirlHeart -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 4:44:22 PM)
DarkSteven, I wouldn't sit back and let him choose how much or how little contact we get, I expect it to be something we decided together. Dom or not.

angelikaJ -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 4:48:11 PM)
mary, (Is it okay if I call you that?) I think you are really over-thinking this. You keep trying to come up with reasons and scenarios why this might be your fault. That is going to drive you nuts. ex. You don't seem content with his cancelling twice due to storms/storm damage. Instead of taking it at face value, you are trying to turn it into being something you did wrong. I don't know if you have responded to this as I only skimmed the thread - the question that is important here is this: Do you have enough contact for you to feel comfortable? This is not a suggestion to end the relationship. It is a suggestion to ask yourself that question and answer honestly. And as for worrying about what you may have done to deserve less contact, if he can not communicate that with you, how are you going to "learn"? I would not make the assumption that it is you or something you did. If it is, he should let you know that. If he doesn't, then I would say it is not on you. Sometimes thinking it is you is easier than the reality of being in a relationship with someone who is too busy for you. After all, if it is your fault then maybe you can fix it. It may just be him. It may be that the 2 of you have incompatible needs for contact, or perhaps even in more general terms. Being incompatible isn't about either party being wrong. It just means you are wrong for each other. Here are some links on sub frenzy: http://www.albanypowerexchange.com/Lifestyle/sub_frenzies.htm http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/06/sub-frenzy/ http://safesubcenter.blogspot.com/2005/06/sub-frenzy.html

goodgirlmary -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 5:35:35 PM)
I did overthink it, as of Thursday it went from tons of contact to a cancel and hardly anything else..But this is within the parameters of the agreement to punish anyway he sees fit,including withholding.etc. but this is was storm and scheduling, with a bit of third party manipulation. I am generally ok with the nonsummer contact,but admittingly it will be a hard summer. Especially hard if we dont have a conversation seriously about third party influencing. Edit:it is hard to go from frequent seeing and chatting to much much less. And the third party has me a little unnerved due to her superior talents,when mine are much less. He assures me he has said none of the things said,but still, very hard to know that she can give him what I cannolt.It really is also the first long space break we have had.I appreciate the thought, when third becomes involved then and only then are their major compatibility issues. Shes not part of us, but she seems to dislike me.

angelikaJ -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 5:49:10 PM)
But if you do not know for sure that it is a punishment, and what you are being punished for, then how will you learn from your mistakes?

angelikaJ -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 5:53:57 PM)
Now, how exactly do you know she has superior talents, or that her experience is more of a turn-on than his having the opportunity to teaching you to be exactly as he wishes? There is a lot of excitement in training someone who is shiny and new. I don't know which one of you was first... . As for how she feels about you: it really is none of your business.

LafayetteLady -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 6:58:16 PM)
mary, Your mind is going a mile a minute here. So let me see if I can summarize this: You were "beyond" vanilla before you met him. You have never performed oral sex (or is it that it has never been performed on you?) In the summer you can't see each other as much. You and he share a house, but she visits him there? She was with him before you and brought you into it, but she is not a regular in his life? You need more contact You agreed to allow him to "punish you however he sees fit," but you are a total newbie. I think that covers the major points. So, why are you apart during the summer? How long have you been together that you already moved in together? You entered into a poly situation, but it sounds like poly really isn't for you, and that's ok. It's ok if it is for you, but maybe you need to be the alpha, and you don't like being relegated to second string. You need to "re-negotiate" here if you decide to stay. Tell him what your needs are regarding him contacting you, and hear his needs as well. Try to meet in the middle. As a total newbie, I think the "punish as he sees fit" is really inappropriate on his part. You don't have the experience to understand all of this yet, since he does, he should be guiding you. Also many of us feel the "ignoring as punishment without any explanation" is bad idea. Some are left feeling rejected and made insecure, and others will simply lose interest and move one while being ignored.

poise -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 7:13:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary He missed two playdates We were hot and heavy tuesday,but now hes completely absent friday. he had storm damage though that supposidely prevented yesterday and todays playdates this may be punishment for me cancelling last week So it's ok for you to cancel your play date, but he is lying about why he had to cancel his? That isn't being very fair to him, or to yourself, is it? quote: ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary ok so theres me and him,him and her,him her and i ,and supposidly her and i but thats really for him Shes not part of us, I think shes got a mean streak, tends to be a bit dishonest. She seems to enjoy when im sad. she seems to dislike me i see her as a friend often, im really wondering about the timing of her visits too.maybe theres more to this. Shes not a dom or sub tho, she is a switch he occassionally sees. We are regular, she is a few times a year,or so I hear. and yet i see her as a friend often Huh? Look at the contradictions here. Perhaps there is more to it. Is it possible this man is married, or otherwise committed, and only seeing you when he wants to play? I mean, you did mention that you met by accident. Sometimes 2 people have different expectations from their interactions, and it seems like this is a prime example. quote: ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary I am still going to play as long as he will have me. Is there anything more to your relationship with him other than the playing? You know, like boyfriend girlfriend stuff, with your clothes on? Again, this looks like a difference of expectations between the two of you. Most people that meet just for play do so without expectation (or complications) of an emotional attachment. I think instead of worrying if you are texting too much, you should ask him if you are expecting more than he can give you. quote: ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary I am generally ok with the nonsummer contact Well, we are just a week away from the first day of summer. Why not use some of your free time and see if you can attend some local munches? There are plenty of men out there that can offer you more than part time play.

lizi -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 7:27:51 PM)
What's up with the no summer contact? Does he has kids at home from school or something? Things with this other woman seem...odd. Why is he pushing for it when it seems that the two women involved don't like each other very much? If you are questioning his motives with so many things, why are you with him then? Would you be with this man if it were the usual kind of vanilla relationship? You seem to be floundering around putting down all kinds of reasons to his actions...you can't just ask him outright why he does what he does? If you can't do that then why hang around?

littlewonder -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 7:48:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary In the summer,we cant see each other much.i get that.but i long for the conversation we used to have.so ill message him several times a day sometimes.is that too much?should i wait for himto message me?what are the dom sub boundaries on this? The answer is....it depends. Really. If he likes to be messaged a lot then you don't have a problem. If he finds it an annoyance then you have a problem. Why not ask him? I know if I message Master too much he just comes right out and tells me to stop. It rarely happens but every once in awhile I will send him too many messages usually because I'm pissed off about something or I have a lot of information to tell him about that I can't wait till I get home. But for the most part we both seem to be on par with each other. We both have pretty busy lives so there are times we can only talk to each other once a day (damn work meetings and having to stay late!). If you are messaging him a lot maybe it's time to find a new hobby or job to keep you busy so you don't have that much free time on your hands.

littlewonder -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 7:53:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: goodgirlmary He says i dont talk too much,and if it became an issue hed just gag me or whatever.it really seems to be moteof just a response thing...he just doesnt. He missed two playdates that were really built up.idk, im beginning to think its an ettiquette thing. I told him today id still follow all terms set, but imnot going to message himanymore until he messages me. hhhmm...after reading your responses, I'm getting the feeling that you two do not see each other in the same way. You seem to think there's a real relationship here and it seems to me that he sees you as more of a playdate. Like I said, it's just the feeling I get from your posts not just on this thread but on others as well. I think you really need to slow down if this is a new relationship. If it's not, then you two are not communicating very well at all or you have abandonment issues to deal with. If that's the case, get some help. ETA: After reading this last page, yeah....sorry darling, he's over you. Move on. You jumped waaayyy too fast and he only ever saw you as a playdate and nothing more. You were there to liven up their marriage, give it a zing. They both are now over it though and they're done or have moved onto someone else.

goodgirlmary -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 8:05:47 PM)
Ok.so as I said last page, I get the issues are not what I thought when I posted my question. It is nothing to do with texting him a perfect amount, because it really was not excessive.It was the normal amount, he was just available less. The reality of this is that I invested too heavily, and in a way I would not in a vanilla relationship.I knew he was married and summers are off. I was friends with the other woman in the way I am friends with most people.I am very overgiving, and I tend to feel when something is amiss, I either did it or must fix it. I am surprised I agreed to meet him,I really thought it was just a threeway with no ties.She vetted him,and was already seeing him. I amnot well experienced, and this was my reallybad thing.And I liked it,which normally Iwould not have. I was so nervous, I am always nerbous.But it was comfirting the way hr bossed me around, and controlled everything, They are casual. He spptoached it like we would be too. I was pretty hottifiedby the things I woild not have guessedI liked. I agreed.She wanted to be sure that we were notgoing tobe more than they were, and thatis how the go bavk and forth with that started.But he eould comfort me,say things like he missed me,and the lines got blurred.In this time I actually founs I felt like kess of a doormat.I felt thingsthat were irrational. The things he tells me,he probably tells her,he probably tells the wife.In retrospect, I am pretty dumb.

littlewonder -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 8:09:19 PM)
Not dumb. You just came in like lots of newbies do.....thinking that bdsm relationships are somehow different, going through subfrenzy, crashing from subspace and emotions are fucked up after and not understanding it. Just remind yourself for next time....if you wouldn't do it in "vanilla land" don't do it in "bdsm land". There's no reason to park your brain outside the door. Hold onto it and make use of it.

goodgirlmary -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 8:12:03 PM)
I realized recentky that the other woman was getting dome of his time that was mine, and I kniw the day he cancelled on me he was with her. I guess it is beginners luck. Ido not regret finding this whole new world,only letting ut blind me. He admits he lies to ger, why I thought it was different for us, I fo not know.I actually not upset uoset, just ferl stupid and unsure of things. I may still plsy with them, but i feel like I need more than that. I liked obeying snd learning. Idk.sorry for the typos. Shaky fingers.

goodgirlmary -> RE: how often do you contact your dom (6/14/2013 8:15:18 PM)
Thanks. Lol. I guess I learned avalusble lesdon, just wonder if i would have learned it if I was not here...Seeing things in writing wskes a girl up.Sad though,I really liked the safety of it.

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