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Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 8:45:34 AM   
ScorpionEyes


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/12/2013
Status: offline 		I'm a switch male and I have no experience with BDSM, except for some introduction with my girlfriend. Yeah, and I default to sub. I'm actually very nervous and uncomfortable about this whole idea. My girlfriend is a sub and wants me to learn, because it's important to her. Now, that's alright and I want to. Which is why I'm here. I'm not against it, but I have a lot of internal struggle to get over on the idea. I'm curious to know how some of the others handled it. And maybe, get some advice on how to start and learn how to engage in some "play", I think you all have been calling it, better with my girl.

First off, even though I know better, and that she asks for it, I still have trouble gauging where the line goes from "dominant" and "commanding" to "abusive". It's in conflict with my image of myself. Accepting that part of myself is difficult normally. I don't like being aggressive or that powerful. I'm a bit much for myself. The idea of hurting someone makes me uncomfortable and the idea of hurting my girlfriend makes me nauseous. See? Total sub stuff. So insecure about it. Essentially, how do I get more comfortable with that dominant side and how do I convince myself it's okay to be like this with her, because it's not abuse?

Secondly, is there anything I can read or whatnot to understand a good guide or process for playing with my girl? I'm just not sure what I'm suppose to do. We like to be spontaneous, if a bit default to our preferences, in the bedroom. So, we haven't really planned anything and it never lasts a whole session before one of us stops it, during our experiments. Is this something that will take trial and error or something that I can learn and experiment with?

That's all I can think of for right now, I suppose.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 8:54:40 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Okay. First, there are two places that you can dominate her. In the bedroom and outside of it. It sounds to me like your conflict is entirely in the bedroom - during play. Is that correct?

All I can do is say that your conflict should ease over time. Some suggestions are:

1. Try role play. It might be easier if it's not you doing it, but a principal tasked with spanking an unruly girl. Etc.
2. Go to local play parties and see if seeing play in front of you desensitizes you.
3. Make her ask for her spankings, clothespins on her breasts, etc. See if that makes it more okay.

Good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ScorpionEyes)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 9:07:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Play does not have to be impact and pain. How would you feel about tying her up, teasing her till she's incoherent and then making her cum fifty times before you stop?

No pain there, but you would definitely be in control. Try sensation play, not sadism.

The dominant is the person who makes the decisions. Not someone who has to enjoy dishing out pain.

And spankings are not always painful. The same nerves run through the ass as run through the genitals. So when you stimulate those nerves, she should get excited. Ask for feedback on how hard the spank was. Keep it around a 7 out of 10, and rub her ass between, stroke and fondle her till she's wet and then repeat.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 6/15/2013 9:10:51 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 9:16:59 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Play does not have to be impact and pain. How would you feel about tying her up, teasing her till she's incoherent and then making her cum fifty times before you stop?



Jumpin' Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! We let them serve us. Now, they want orgasms, too? What has this world come to?

Seriously, OP, there are some lines that get blurry. If I can give you my slant?

There's BDSM - the kinky, impact/bondage/suspension/whatever play.

Then, there's D/s - A power exchange.

I am not much of a practitioner of BDSM, myself. I don't see impact stuff (in particular) to be part of a loving, caring, relationship. Could this be your issue? Could it be that for whatever reason, some of the BDSM activities are just abhorrent to you?

You said that you "default to sub". Is there a chance that both of you are, indeed, submissive in nature and that this might wind up being a stumbling block?

These may be questions you need to ask yourself.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 9:28:48 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		The line between dominating and abusive is where the two of you put it. Which is why communication is always the key. If she wants this experience, she must have at least a general idea what turns her on and what turns her off. What turns you on and what turns you off is just as important. Explain to each other where these points are. If not sure, try to at least give a general feeling.

Being spontaneous is fun. At a very beginning level it is better to script out the scene both of you wish to try. As you get more experienced, there will be less scripting and more spontaneity. Even with a script though, be aware of what is happening. Do not push on through the script if things start turning south; time to change the script on the fly.

Everything at this level is about trust and comfort level for both of you. After a scene compare notes. Where would one or the other like to go a bit further? What part was pushing the limit for one of you.

Lastly use a safe word. There is indescribable angst in the community about safe words. Some are all for them, many are totally against them. So this is my personal opinion. At a newby level a safe word is a must. As the Top you can't know yet what is too far. As the bottom, your partner can't know when she has had enough until she is actually there. The safe word is the safety valve.

Otherwise keep it light; keep it fun. It is a delightfully delicious journey for two people to take together.

_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 10:10:33 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		If the idea of hurting someone makes you sick, you are likely not going to change, even if your girlfriend wants it.

My ex husband was a fantastic guy; but he was not, could not be dominant. He tried like hell, but for him, any type of physical activity that could be construed as pain, he was never able to do. He was good with the sensual Dom stuff, but never the pain part.

So you might not be wired that way. Not ever Dom or sub is the same.

Just figure out what you both like and want and try to compromise.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 6/15/2013 10:12:45 AM >

(in reply to Dyfrynt)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 10:11:45 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		nm

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 6/15/2013 10:12:20 AM >

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 11:02:42 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Think of it as making love with pain, if she is hungry for more, if her orgasms are off the chart, you aren't "hurting" her.

Also, talk to her afterward and considering your perspective, relax tou are unlikely to go too far. Use it as a place to explore your creativity.

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 1:40:17 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

The idea of hurting someone makes me uncomfortable and the idea of hurting my girlfriend makes me nauseous.


Although you didn't mention impact play (flogging, whipping, spanking, etc.) specifically, I'm going to focus on it. Even though I love impact play it's hard for me to watch someone getting consensually beaten as my brain interprets it as abuse.

There are lots of BDSM activities that don't involve impact:

- are you familiar with electrical play? With my TENS, I get the endorphin release of impact play without the bruises. (I love the TENS but hate the violet wand.)
- my clover nipple clamps are quite painful but my brain would also not interpret this as abusive.
- nor clothespins, bondage, the list goes on.

You may wish to check out the non-fiction in this thread: -=BDSM Book List=-

Great question - best of luck to you!

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to ScorpionEyes)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 2:21:57 PM   
ScorpionEyes


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/12/2013
Status: offline 		@DarkSteven: In our normal life, we're equals, but I lead and my say is final. I always take her into account and do everything for her and our best interests, but I'm the voice. The one who has the final word. I can be a leader, an icon, and all that. I love her to death, but I prefer to be in charge. So does she. So yes, it's during play that I have trouble. I consider sex to be intimate and very personal, which is why I'm not turned off to the whole D/s concept. It's very close, especially the way she described it. Built on our mutual trust. The idea of roleplaying sounds good. Separating the actions from myself until I can learn to be comfortable with them. I'm not going to a party. We've both listed things of that sort as hard limits. But, thank you for the advice. So, I make her beg for it? That might actually help.

@DesFIP: That's... not a bad idea. I've made her hold her orgasms before. We've tried some light bondage. I love foreplay and we can do that for a lot time. Which I love for the sole fact she goes crazy and starts wanting it more and more. I get off on it. We started being physical three months in and we agreed to wait for "my turn" until a month later, so not to push it. I still made her mine and got this odd, new thrill out of gratifying her. The act of being dominant and the vocalization will take me some time, but I think I can do it, under that definition.

@DaddySatyr: I think so, yes. I admit to still be getting over a rather antiquated sense of morality. Slowly, but I'm getting past it. When we outlined Hard Limits, I listed Impact as one of mine. I just can't do it. I physically find myself unable to. I've tied her to my bedpost with some of my ties, for practice. Bondage and things like that, yeah, I can learn to like. D/s I do like, I just need more time and to learn to be more comfortable with. I used to believe I was just a sub, but she finds me very dominant and said she wouldn't ask unless she thought I could do it and I trust her and love her. So, I believe her. My relationship before her involved me being cuckold against my will and was pretty emotionally damaging. I hate that bitch, now. My problem is that I suppress my dominant/aggressive side and I'm not sure how to reach it most of the time, unless I get a surge of emotion.

@Dyfrynt: That... all sounds like very good advice, thank you.

@sexyred1: That's very true. That, hopefully, won't change about me. That sounds reasonable, I suppose.

@kalikshama: Wow. That sounds kinky as all Hell. Impact is a no-no. She's said she's against electrical play. Even though I find it a little interesting. I have some slight masochistic tendencies. Clamps, bondage, all that... I need to read on this. This doesn't sound bad.

I guess my real problem is having trouble turning on the Dom side, a lack of actual planning, and a lack of education. I think I'll have a talk with the lady in a little bit. Discuss some ideas. Do some role playing until I'm okay with this. Practice and do some reading. I appreciate the help, everyone.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 3:30:19 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScorpionEyes

I guess my real problem is having trouble turning on the Dom side, a lack of actual planning, and a lack of education. I think I'll have a talk with the lady in a little bit. Discuss some ideas. Do some role playing until I'm okay with this. Practice and do some reading. I appreciate the help, everyone.



This is just my opinion but if you are "having trouble, turning on the dom side", is there a chance that it isn't there. This is what I tried to say, a bit more gently, before; I know you're lady wants you to be dominant but are you?

We see it here, all the time from the other side. Guys make a profile and come here and post about how their lady is perfect but she just won't be a submissive. Maybe it's because it's not in her?

Now, if you think that you do have a bit of the dominant in you, I can offer another little tidbit: You can only dominate her as much as she'll submit to you.

Let's just suppose that my surmise is correct and you might not have that dominant thing going on. Whether she's nice about it or weilding a whip, in this discussion, she's taking a position of dominance by asking you to engage in some behavior for her benefit. See?

Ladies that hang out with me know that they are never going to feel a single tail from my hand. It just ain't going to happen. It's not that I can't (although, I'd need to train). It's that I don't WANT to. Period. It is not a compromise I am willing to make. That doesn't make me a bad dominant. I like to think it's quite the contrary; I won't do something strictly to make someone else feel better if it causes a certain level of uncomfortability in me.

Do I compromise on some things? Of course (I'm currently potty training a three year old and I NEVER thought I'd do that, again) but, I refuse to put myself in a position of uncomfortability. In a relationship if there is to be some uncomfortability (and I strive that their not be), I believe it should be on the shoulders of the other person.

I know you're in transitional period and I am going to do something I don't often do: If you wish to mail me on the other side and just shoot the shit or whatever, please feel free.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ScorpionEyes)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 5:54:05 PM   
ScorpionEyes


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/12/2013
Status: offline 		I don't know. We'll see if I am or not. I think it's there. Just repressed. Due to a few years of me repressing my anger.

You say that like my girlfriend occasionally having to step up and make a dominant request in an adult relationship is a bad thing.

If my girlfriend asks me to do something I don't want to, I may or may not do it. Is it against this whole philosophy I want to compromise and find a good middle-ground for us? You guys are acting like I have to constantly stand above her, with her under my heel.

That's honestly the idea that makes me uncomfortable.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 6:07:56 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		To be honest, if that makes you uncomfortable then yeah, I'd say you just may not be suitable for what she probably wants even if it's just in the bedroom.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to ScorpionEyes)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 7:17:33 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't agree. I had a lot of "you have to be nice to girls" training that my inner Dom needed to get through. He got through a lot of it, but some's still there. It can be overcome.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/15/2013 7:43:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It's his philosophy and his anger management issues, not his upbringing. It's not who he is and really doesn't seem all that interested in it and just doing it for his lady.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/23/2013 8:36:41 AM   
MasterSignusNova


Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2013
Status: offline 		BDSM is not abuse. Bieng sub does not mean you are weak. State your ground and tell her what are your limits. If she gets abusive use your safeword. If she doesnt respect that dump her.

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/23/2013 10:07:07 AM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

In our normal life, we're equals, but I lead and my say is final. I always take her into account and do everything for her and our best interests, but I'm the voice. The one who has the final word.


From the sounds of this, you already have a d/s relationship. You have final say. If what you like to do is a find a compromise, that's great becaause that's what you want. All you're talking about now is experimenting in the bedroom with some sensation play. So experiment. Go at a pace that you're both comfortable with. You can make it playful. Have her lie across your lap put on some of your favorite music and use her butt like drums. Use your hands like her buns are bongos, or use a couple of wooden spoons as drumsticks. Make the odd contact more intense than others, get her reaction. Put a vibe in her while you're makin'music. You don't have to be big bad sadist, you can play tap'n'tickle, and just have fun. Try slow thudding spanks, massage the butt in between the harder smacks. Make her squirm, elicit a startle response.

Enjoy yourself. It's not a job. And you're allowed to make love to her if you want, and you can use her as a plaything, and you do that however you like. If you want to do it her way, do it her way by all means.

That's why it's good to be Queen.

errr.. in your case King. You can adore her, and go out of your way to make her happy. That's because you call the shots. You can also give that ass a good swat too if it floats yer boat. You might develop quite a taste for it particularly if she starts getting off on it.

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

(in reply to ScorpionEyes)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/23/2013 10:24:07 PM   
tallwhiteboy


Posts: 10
Joined: 6/21/2013
Status: offline 		I love being the dominant, but I'm kind of a worry wart about my sub's safety. There have been times where I was scared that I was hurting her to much (spanking to hard, pulling her hair to hard, ect.) but found out afterwards that she was in fact hoping that I would get even rougher. As you play more with your girlfriend you will start to get a better feel for what her limits are and when you're doing to much.

I hope for the best for you two

(in reply to evesgrden)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/24/2013 9:06:24 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Do yourself a giant favor, go on Amazon and buy a cheap used copy of Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns.

It will give you great advice, ease your fears about using toys and pain and,is an,all around good book.

(in reply to ScorpionEyes)
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RE: Questions from a beginner - 6/24/2013 12:54:19 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Do yourself a giant favor, go on Amazon and buy a cheap used copy of Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns.

It will give you great advice, ease your fears about using toys and pain and,is an,all around good book.


Another fan of Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns here.

OP - you could implement some version of a color system (Red for Stop Now, Yellow for I am right at my edge, Green for Harder, please!)

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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