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New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 5:51:50 PM   
starburst0808


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/16/2013
Status: offline 		I am considering getting involved with a former fwb, that has discovered his dom side. I am a curious natural submissive and have never been in a sub/dom relationship before. He currently has 2 subs and I don't think I like the thought of sharing my dom. Is this a common thing?? He is already making demands of me and I haven't even said yes yet. Should I begin the relationship or search for a new dom?? I do want a dom...
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 5:57:28 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Not everyone wants to share.
It makes you no less submissive if you figure out that you are among those that want a monogamous relationship.

_____________________________

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(in reply to starburst0808)
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RE: New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 6:01:44 PM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		One of the cardinal rules is that you are no one's submissive until you choose to be. That he is making demands tells me he does not have a proper understanding of what it means to be a Dom. You would be wise to enter into this very carefully if you intend to at all. Personally I would look elsewhere if you have desires to explore your submissive side.

_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 6:03:04 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starburst0808

I am a curious natural submissive
Let's start there. You can have a naturally submissive personality, but no one is a "natural submissive". Being A submissive is a learned behavior.

quote:

He currently has 2 subs and I don't think I like the thought of sharing my dom. Is this a common thing??
Somewhat. But, if you're not wired for poly, you're not. And if you try to force it, you'll just end up unhappy.

quote:

He is already making demands of me and I haven't even said yes yet.
Two red flags here. 1) A good Dominant would move at your pace since you're new. If he's not willing to put in the effort to make you comfortable and wait for you to be ready, then he's not the person for you. 2) Making demands before a power dynamic is in place is a major faux pas.

quote:

Should I begin the relationship or search for a new dom?? I do want a dom...
I would say that I wouldn't get involved with that Dom. But, I would also say that before you get involved with any Dom, you need to do some learning and investigating.

There's a good book list in the Bondage Gear/Apparel forum. Also, getting involved in your local community and finding a female submissive mentor to guide you would probably be a good thing.




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to starburst0808)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 6:46:48 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		It sounds as though you're settling. Why settle?

I'd agree that he also sounds rather clueless. I think you can do much better than that.

(in reply to starburst0808)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 8:05:23 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Read my signature


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: New dom requirements - 6/17/2013 9:21:07 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Osidegirl and lizi nailed it.

Also... you're having misgivings during the honeymoon period. Ain't gonna get better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New dom requirements - 6/18/2013 3:24:26 AM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Along with lizi and Oside's advice, think about what it is YOU want out of a D/s relationship. This guy was a former fuck buddy. Are you interested in someone who is not really more than a play partner? It's ok to be interested in that, but then you also get to set your own rules as well.

If you don't want to share your partner, then plain and simple, you don't get involved with someone who is poly or who uses their supposed "dom" status to tell you that is the way it works. It doesn't. For some, yes, but for many others, no. You don't want to share, then you stick to your guns.

If you want to be in a relationship with someone, then you make that the standard for what you seek.

Searching for a D/s partner isn't all that much different than looking for a vanilla one. Sure, you might have a few more items on your "must have in common list" because of the kink activities, but it doesn't mean you have to lower your standards at all.

Never, ever settle.

(in reply to starburst0808)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New dom requirements - 6/18/2013 3:42:38 AM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline 		If you are monogamous, why would you even CONSIDER a poly relationship? Move on, there are better matches for you out there.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New dom requirements - 6/18/2013 5:02:03 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starburst0808

I am considering getting involved with a former fwb, that has discovered his dom side.
He currently has 2 subs and I don't think I like the thought of sharing my dom.

I'm curious as to why your casual friends with benefit relationship ended, and why you think returning to
a failed relationship with additional expectations would be successful. Especially in light of the fact that this
relationship comes with a side dish of 2 additional people.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to starburst0808)
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RE: New dom requirements - 6/18/2013 5:29:48 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Is this a common thing??


It is common for some men to slap a Dom label on themselves in an attempt to get more pussy, yes.

It is also common for people of either gender to not want to share.

It is common for people in sub frenzy to make mistakes.

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(in reply to starburst0808)
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RE: New dom requirements - 6/18/2013 8:06:00 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
Never treat someone as a priority who thinks of you as an option!

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 4:54:59 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

quote:

I am considering getting involved with a former fwb, that has discovered his dom side. I am a curious natural submissive and have never been in a sub/dom relationship before. He currently has 2 subs and I don't think I like the thought of sharing my dom. Is this a common thing?? He is already making demands of me and I haven't even said yes yet. Should I begin the relationship or search for a new dom?? I do want a dom...


First of all, this man have no rights to make demands of you before you agree to be his submissive. You know the C in both RACK and SSC? That sands for consensual, you have to be willing to surrender before your Dom have any right to order you around. Now yes for some there is a bit of the dynamic going on before a sub officially surrenders as many both Doms and subs enjoy that kind of a dynamic even when dating, but that should not go longer than the sub is comfortable with and you have your full right to say no.

Now as for your prospective Dom having two subs from before, you have to ask yourself, is that something you can live with? I mean when we meet people in the vanilla world often there are things about them that are not idea. For example let us say Lisa meet a man who is unwilling to relocate so she have to move half across the country to be with him, now then that is not ideal for Lisa and she have to make up her own mind if the moving is a deal breaker for her or not, and you have to do the same, you have to decide whatever or not your prospective Dom being poly is a deal breaker or if you are okey with it though not happy about it, also remember it is perfectly okey for you to say no, I do not want this, it is not for me.

Now is it a common thing for Doms to have more than one sub, well some do and some do not, it is not frowned upon in the BDSM community to be poly as we call t and have more than one partner as long as everyone involved are open and honest about it, however there is also allot of people, both Dom and sub who want only one partner, people are different also in the kink community.

Now as for whatever or not you should enter into this relationship I have only one piece of advice to give, do it feel right? If you only want to settle for this relationship because you want a Dom and you want a Dom NOW I would say no, wait do not think with your libido in this, settle down and wait for someone more right for you to come along. If however it feels right and this is a man you think you will enjoy serving then go for it but you have to find the answer inside of yourself and not by asking random folks on the internet. Do YOU think this relationship would be right for you?

I wish you well oh and welcome to Collarme.

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to starburst0808)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 5:10:49 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

quote:

Let's start there. You can have a naturally submissive personality, but no one is a "natural submissive". Being A submissive is a learned behavior.


I strongly disagree with this. Yes I think submissive behavior can be learned, but I also believe it can be a natural quality about a person, about their soul if you will. You can see this even in small toddlers or even infants, one sibling can be very dominant, while another show a more calm and submissive behavior, if it was all just learned how comes you can see such difference between two siblings of the same gender who are getting the same treatment from parents? Many of us who consider ourselves to be natural submissive have been this way since we where children. I mean I used to pretend I was a slave owned by my dolls and had to serve them tea and wash their clothes. A fun game for me was to fill a bucket and get a wash cloth and scrub the floors pretending that I was a slave. No one taught me this behavior, it came naturally to me.

You see this in animals as well, you can have a litter of kittens and some of them are very eager, pushing the others aside and are extremely dominant and willful and others are meek and submissive and you can say this have to do with size and sometimes it do with the bigger kittens being more dominant, but this is not always the case.

I have personally always felt saver and better being told what to do, I hate being the leader and no have have taught me this. Now do that mean that being naturally submissive makes one more submissive than someone who have learned it, no off course not, this is not a submissiveness competition. However I strongly believe that yes some people are naturally submissive and I consider myself to be among them.

I wish you well

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 7:12:53 AM   
MsEloquence


Posts: 72
Joined: 5/7/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starburst0808

I am considering getting involved with a former fwb, that has discovered his dom side. I am a curious natural submissive and have never been in a sub/dom relationship before. He currently has 2 subs and I don't think I like the thought of sharing my dom. Is this a common thing?? He is already making demands of me and I haven't even said yes yet. Should I begin the relationship or search for a new dom?? I do want a dom...



It's clear from the way you describe the man and the relationship he wants that you don't think you'll be happy with him.

There are plenty of monogamous dominant men. Don't settle for what you don't want.

_____________________________

Eloquence

(in reply to starburst0808)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 7:30:35 AM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		Essentially I was going to say what all of Dyfrynt said, but he beat me to it.

(in reply to MsEloquence)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 7:39:20 AM   
ExquisiteStings


Posts: 391
Joined: 4/10/2007
Status: offline 		Making Demands of you? While you are still vacillating? Does the Moron think because he acts this way then it makes him a bigger, better and stronger person. Nope. IMO, it makes him a sleaze and if I were a sub, it might make me pissed off enough to( shed the sub shell) [say that 10 times fast] and give him a good hard smack upside the head!

(in reply to ExquisiteStings)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 4:08:42 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline 		Well I've got to disagree with the twue dom stuff that's getting said. Just because the guy doesn't fit some peoples ideas of what a dom should be doesn't mean he isn't a dom.

To answer your first question, yes monogamy is fairly common. One might even say the standard relationship dynamic of our society.

As to your second question, don't take relationship advice from people on the internet. It's your life, you're the one who has to live with the consequences good or bad.


(in reply to starburst0808)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 4:27:31 PM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

Well I've got to disagree with the twue dom stuff that's getting said. Just because the guy doesn't fit some peoples ideas of what a dom should be doesn't mean he isn't a dom.

To answer your first question, yes monogamy is fairly common. One might even say the standard relationship dynamic of our society.

As to your second question, don't take relationship advice from people on the internet. It's your life, you're the one who has to live with the consequences good or bad.




Why? Are people on the internet somehow unqualified to give advise? Some in person or online would challenge that. It doesn't matter where people are or where they come from, good common sense, qualified persons/professionals and sound advice from varied persons with varied experiences/knowledge, can be found anywhere. Why limit good stuff when you can get it or find it?

You use your head, you ought to do well.

Gee... you just gave advice online, maybe someone shouldn't listen to and here I am defending online advice. ROFL.

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New dom requirements - 6/19/2013 5:06:12 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nephandi

Greetings

quote:

Let's start there. You can have a naturally submissive personality, but no one is a "natural submissive". Being A submissive is a learned behavior.


I strongly disagree with this. Yes I think submissive behavior can be learned, but I also believe it can be a natural quality about a person,


You clearly didn't grasp what I wrote. I said,"You can have a naturally submissive personality" which is not the same thing as being A submissive.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to nephandi)
Profile   Post #: 20
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