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Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 6:45:00 AM   
shygtasub


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/15/2013
Status: offline 		Or does it make you a "less real" sub.
I must say I'm a total noob with practically 0 experience, however I still think I'm allowed to form my opinion about what I'm into or not. What I thought was a first encounter had me escape and run. Thankfully I was told what was expected of me so I could bail. Without getting into details, it was really disgusting and I'm not even sure it could be considered "normal" if there is such thing.

So in your opinion, can a sub say NO to something or does that make him/her less of a sub?
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 6:51:43 AM   
nagabandha


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/3/2013
Status: offline 		Sounds like you have learned some more of your Hard Limits. Discuss these with your Dom. it will be up to the Dom to decide to proceed or not. I'm not sure saying no and running will be an option if you enter slave status.

(in reply to shygtasub)
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 6:57:35 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		No it doesn't make you any less of a sub. It makes you a human being with your own set of boundaries and limits. It's healthy to have some limits.

I have no idea what the situation was, but you obviously felt it would be harmful (physically or mentally) for you to go through with it and you left.

I wonder why you were getting right down to kink on the first meeting? Always a good idea to have a nice, fully clothed, vanilla coffee date first, so you can talk about these things and get some idea of whether you are looking for the same things, whether there is a connection and whether you feel comfortable with each other. You are under no obligation to submit from the first contact - in fact, it's a terrible idea since you don't know if you can trust the person or not.

There is official guidelines you have to meet to be called a sub. You don't get thrown out of the club for doing things a bit different than the next person. The only way I would consider you 'less sub' is if you had no desire to submit - you only wanted to act out your specific fantasy and never do as you are told.

There are very few people round here who don't have some sort of limits in place. Those that don't generally have no real limits because they have spent a long long time getting to know their dominant partner and know without a doubt that he or she won't cause them any harm, so limits become meaningless. I could say that I will do anything for my husband, but I know in reality that my husband would never ask me to chop off a foot, for example.


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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:00:47 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: nagabandha

Sounds like you have learned some more of your Hard Limits. Discuss these with your Dom. it will be up to the Dom to decide to proceed or not. I'm not sure saying no and running will be an option if you enter slave status.


I disagree. Even in a dynamic where the slave is not allowed to refuse an order, he would always have the option to end the dynamic and walk away. If the dominant prevented that, it crosses the line from D/s into abuse.

The OP should definitely discuss any limits he knows about, but being new there will be things he hasn't even imagined yet, and he should be sure that whoever he ends up with understands that some things will have to be negotiated along the way as part of the learning process.

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:01:27 AM   
shygtasub


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/15/2013
Status: offline 		It was just a vanilla chat. Wasn't really a first session. At least she was clear about her fantasy which I cannot help with. I'm sorry I might vomit writing this but having your partner crap in someone's mouth while restrained is sick in my opinion. I know hard limits are just a point of view though....

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:05:32 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Not to my taste either, but she'll likely find herself in high demand since there seem to be more guys into that than girls.

Let me ask you - do you feel less submissive because you're not into poop, or do you think you're still submissive, but not compatible with her? Has refusing the scat games made you lose all interest in serving someone and submitting to their desires? I'm guessing not. So you're ok. And as you said, at least you were both upfront about your desires so no one's time is wasted.

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Being your slave, what should I do but tend
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:10:19 AM   
shygtasub


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/15/2013
Status: offline 		Well it definitely didn't change my feelings about being a sub and yes she will probably find someone for that kind of thing but it did make me wonder for a little bit whether I'm really a sub or just plain kinky.

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:10:33 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		I see your talent to procrastinate didnt cause you to think much about that fate...
You have every right to have limits.... and to have them respected. You will find you have some you will never have thought about(like scat) some that make you feel icky, some that will titillate, and some that will have you drooling... finding the right fit, is the issue:)
Most of us have them, including dominants.
Be honest about them
Good luck... and dig for things like that..pardon the pun


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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:17:02 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shygtasub

Well it definitely didn't change my feelings about being a sub and yes she will probably find someone for that kind of thing but it did make me wonder for a little bit whether I'm really a sub or just plain kinky.


It seems to me that being sub isn't about which kinks you like, but the desire behind them. There are some totally non-kinky people round here who are submissive. They feel best when their partner is the boss. They like to defer, to serve, to please someone. They may never have so much as a spanking. They are as submissive as the kinky folks who also have the desire to submit and serve, and happen to like being chained to a cross and whipped.

Maybe you are just kinky - I don't know you at all. And if you are, that's not a bad thing. There's no prize for being the most submissive, kinky is just fine too. Maybe you want to be tied up and beaten just for the sensations without giving over power to someone else. Maybe you want to give a little bit of power. Maybe when you find the right person you'll be 100% submissive in all areas of your life. It's all good. But don't think that having more extreme kinks makes you more submissive.

In fact, some of the people who come here to talk about relatively extreme kinks like this one come across as the least submissive of all, because they give the impression that they only want their own specific fantasy acted out and have no desire to meet another person's needs.

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Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 7:58:04 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You're talking two different things. Saying no. And running.

Fine to say no. Those are called limits.

Running - hard to say if it's okay or not.

I'd say that you running reflects poorly on your Dom/me. It may reflect poorly on you as well.

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 8:08:02 AM   
shygtasub


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/15/2013
Status: offline 		Running is not meant to be taken literally. I was polite enough to say no I can't do that... To me it felt like bailing out though. I just wanted to be out of there.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 8:23:31 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Since this was a casual chat, it's very easy to remove oneself from the situation. Close, block, delete, whatever it takes.

I think you should know that this type of request is uncommon among people who are not totally lost in a fantasy world of their own making. Can you imagine engaging in a casual chat with a female in a bar and her tossing that out there?

I bet not.

There is a very good chance this person was a male looking for those to wind up and creep out, b/c for some strange reason, they get their kicks that way.

Looking for someone online is a difficult numbers game, and you have to weed through a lot of chafe before you find even a single grain. Don't spend too much time worrying about the failures, over time you will get better at weeding these kinds of people out.

BTW: I just got an angry message from someone b/c I deleted and blocked him, w/o responding to his message. Which of course shows I was right to do so, they seem to have an anger management issue.

When you really click with someone, I think you'll know.



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 6/18/2013 8:24:14 AM >

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 8:40:00 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I've had that reaction, I don't think it makes me any less submissive. I'm entitled to my preferences and needs just as they are.

(in reply to shygtasub)
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 8:43:42 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nagabandha

Sounds like you have learned some more of your Hard Limits. Discuss these with your Dom. it will be up to the Dom to decide to proceed or not. I'm not sure saying no and running will be an option if you enter slave status.



Errr....no. It's not up to the Dom whether or not a hard limit is honored. It's a freaking hard limit, that means hands off. By it's very definition a hard limit not negotiable unless the person who holds it is open to it.

Of course running is an option if you are a slave, you always have the option to leave.

(in reply to nagabandha)
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 8:46:26 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shygtasub
It was just a vanilla chat. Wasn't really a first session. At least she was clear about her fantasy which I cannot help with. I'm sorry I might vomit writing this but having your partner crap in someone's mouth while restrained is sick in my opinion. I know hard limits are just a point of view though....

Are you certain you were talking with a woman? This is much more commonly a male fantasy. In fact, the only woman I know who brought it up to me as a kink of hers backed off immediately when I said it was a hard limit.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 8:51:27 AM   
shygtasub


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/15/2013
Status: offline 		It was a women. She's got a male partner though so probably it was his idea. It was a real life chat not online. The meeting was not setup here and I don't think they're members of CM.

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 9:00:00 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Chin up, then. You're doing the right thing -- meeting in real life, and saying no if the situation seems wrong to you. If "gta" is short for Greater Toronto Area, you're in a place with lots and lots of kinky women, so there are many more fish in the sea.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to shygtasub)
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 9:02:25 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Since it was real time, you were right to walk away.

May I ask where you met this woman? Were you alone with her? How well did you know her?

I ask these questions not to pry, but to get some idea of how safe you are with your initial meetings. I've known subs who were ripped off financially (wallet, credit cards, rings and watches), and those hurt badly enough to require hospitalization.

Be very careful who you choose to meet with until you have a better idea of who you are as a sub, and know for a fact you can say no whenever you like.

Please.




< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 6/18/2013 9:06:34 AM >

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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 10:34:07 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

You and this woman just weren't compatible. That's all. It doesn't make you less than anyone else. It doesn't mean you aren't submissive enough. It just means that you two were not in the same general area of the BDSM spectrum. And there isn't anything wrong with admitting it.

I do think that if this meeting was one where you were to engage in kink, there might not have been enough discussion and negotiation before it got to this point. It's hard to say based on my interpretation of what I read.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: Can a sub ever say no to something and run? - 6/18/2013 3:04:34 PM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		I don't think there's anything wrong with saying no but I'm not so sure about running away like that. Unless they were asking you to do something out of the scene of a horror movie,lol. In those rare situations, then yes, run like the wind! However, if it was just a hard limit you felt was too much for you, try talking to them about that. I know I have my hard limits too. My mistake in the past was not keeping an open line of communication with my "Domme". That was my mistake.

If there's something you feel you can't do, tell them you can't. It's better to let them know why, then leaving them in the dust wondering what they did wrong. Dom/mes having feelings too. If you did have a good Dom/me, then let them know why you did what you did. Just running way makes them look bad, as already mentioned.

< Message edited by Charles6682 -- 6/18/2013 3:05:28 PM >

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