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need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 4:05:37 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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Status: offline 		My father is a 67 year old diabetic with high blood pressure and a history of stroke (the stroke mildly affected his vision, his energy level, his ability to tolerate heat, and somehow made his diabetes worse). The last time he went fishing with a friend, his blood sugar got so low his friend noticed strange behavior, took him to the hospital and he was in there for 4 days. If his friend hadn't been there, he might not be alive right now. About 3 weeks ago, I learned he and my stepmonster were getting a divorce. With my soon to be stepmonster gone, my father is now living out in the country alone. If he gets to keep his house, my husband and I offered to move in and he agreed. If the divorce court judge orders the house sold, I told my father I thought we should buy a house together (his age wouldn't count against him as much on a loan with me on there too). That way we could all keep our pets and he wouldn't be living alone. I think it would be best for all of us to move to a cooler state with better job opportunities. That way, the climate would be better for my father and with better jobs, my husband and I could actually afford to save more for our own retirement. We would all be helping each other. But my father doesn't want to leave this state because his friends are here and he says he's too old to relocate and make new friends. For the sake of our financial future, Sir and I need to re-locate and planned to after I graduate from college, but I don't want to leave my father now that he's alone. I'm his only offspring and since he took care of me, it's my job to take care of him. He says if we move and he gets to the point where he needs help, he will let us know and come and live with us. I have a hard time believing that since he's been in the hospital more than once and I didn't find out until later (he didn't want to worry me). Now he's changed his mind and even if he keeps his house, he doesn't want us moving in because he's decided he wants to meet someone else, hopefully get married again, and spend the rest of his life in a happy relationship since his first 2 marriages sucked. He says no woman would want to date him if his daughter and son in law lived with him. When I saw him earlier today, he was in tears because he fell for an online scam. If my husband and I stay in a state with no good jobs, it's going to be bad for our own future. If I leave the state and he dies, I'll feel like I abandoned him. Maybe he can take care of himself right now, but at 67 surely he will need help before too long considering his health issues. What if his blood sugar drops again and he's alone or he's driving? Have any of you been in a similar situation with an older parent? What should I do? What would you do?

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 4:24:22 PM   
tazzygirl


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Status: offline 		He is 67.... unless you have reason to believe his mental competence is gone, there is nothing you can do.

The rest.... you really dont want my opinion on.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 4:28:41 PM   
Rule


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Status: offline 		He is 67 and likely to die within some limited time. He ought to put any ideas of a third marriage out of his head.

Move. Leave him behind.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 4:30:09 PM   
hlen5


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Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		My heart goes out to you. I have 4 siblings and can't imagine dealing with my father (82) by myself. He's in recovery from pneumonia and we have to start thinking about him not being on his own as well.

A few things popped into my head as I read your situation. You must take care of YOUR financial future first. Find jobs for you to live and thrive on (think oxygen mask in a distressed plane: You put yours on first then take care of those in your charge).

Do not mix your finances together til after his divorce. If he wishes to gift you with money for a house great. If you wish to "sell" him a life lease to live with you, fine. Until the divorce is final and you know all his liabilities, do not put your finances at risk.

Best of Luck. I'm sure you'll make the best decision you can for all of you.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 4:44:01 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Couple of things:
I'm not sure how long your father has been diabetic, but he should know how to take care of himself by now, and he let himself become hypoglycemic - he should know to carry snacks or glucose sticks or whatever and he isn't. Therefore I'd have to say the chances of him having another low blood sugar episode is high as he doesn't seem interested in being compliant with watching out for his disease. How is he at checking his insulin and how often does he do it? If his blood sugar drops again yes, he may die. If he's driving, he may kill someone else too.

It's nice that he wants to get remarried but quite honestly who would want him just to become his nursemaid in the near future as he declines? It's kind of obvious the guy isn't invested in taking care of himself. It just seems as though he's grasping at straws with this idea of instant marriage and the online episode that didn't work out - I'm not sure his mental faculties are all there...? With the divorce and new realizations about his health, could he be depressed and not making great decisions right now? Taking on a new relationship surely there should be a courtship period where people ascertain whether or not they are right for each other, but he seems to want to jump right in and get married but says it's going to be different from the other marriages - how is he making it different and special by taking whoever will take him?

So, I guess I'd impress it upon him that he almost died at least the one time and will risk it again if he continues not to manage his disease, and he doesn't seem to be trustworthy in that department. Getting a house together is a great idea for many reasons; if he does meet someone, tell him they should take some time to get to know each other in order to ensure relationship success which he says he wants. If he gets to the marriage stage then you can all discuss things at that point.

Quite honestly, as we age things go downhill, things are only going to get worse for your father when it comes to his health. Having you live with him is an excellent solution. Finding an insta-wife is a terrible one. Anyone who truly loves him would understand and probably find it endearing that you are there looking out for him, at least till you can all work out what will happen to the living arrangements. If nothing happens for him in the love dept, then you're already there and will be there as he continues to depend on you more.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 4:55:02 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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Status: offline 		Unfortunately, I don't get to make the best decision for all of us. At first, he said he didn't want to live alone. Now he wants to live alone so he can date someone. It's up to me to decide after I graduate whether we stay in the state until my father dies or move to a state with better job opportunities.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:02:54 PM   
kalikshama


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quote:

Anyone who truly loves him would understand and probably find it endearing that you are there looking out for him, at least till you can all work out what will happen to the living arrangements. If nothing happens for him in the love dept, then you're already there and will be there as he continues to depend on you more.


I agree with all of this.

During our first date, when B told me he was living with his elderly parents, he posed it as "not a good selling point" but I disagreed. I gave up a good job and moved back to Massachusetts to be closer to my 70-something mother, who at some point will need me in the same town or house as she is. (I'm 30 minutes away at the moment.) I'll be sympathetic when his parents need him, and he'll be sympathetic when she needs me.



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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:05:03 PM   
kalikshama


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quote:

Unfortunately, I don't get to make the best decision for all of us. At first, he said he didn't want to live alone. Now he wants to live alone so he can date someone. It's up to me to decide after I graduate whether we stay in the state until my father dies or move to a state with better job opportunities.


1. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

2. Bear in mind that better job opportunities could mean a higher cost of living as well.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:07:31 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		This might sound strange but at 67, I hope I'm not basing my choices solely on practicality.
We've done the relocation thing for a job, in essence starting over. I wouldn't want to do that at a moment when my time here is even less of a guarantee as it is now. So, I can understand him wanting to stay. And if he truly wants to, then he should. And you should do what you need to do if it means relocating.

Now, I do think it's a little strange that he said he didn't want to be alone and now he's fine with it. Either he's thought about it some and realized it won't be so bad or he doesn't want to feel as though he's burdening you.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:08:30 PM   
FelineRanger


Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline 		Some of the responses, like "He is 67 and likely to die within some limited time. He ought to put any ideas of a third marriage out of his head. Move. Leave him behind." have been harsh. Unfortunately, I agree with the sentiment. You can't live your life dependent on the actions of someone who doesn't seem to care that much about himself. Judging by the little bit you have written, I suspect depression and the stroke may actually have affected his ability to make decisions, albeit in subtle ways. His inability to monitor his diabetes and his changing mind are the reason I say this. Since he is 67 and likely retired, there should be some kind of service that will visit him on a regular basis that Medicaid will pay for. See if you can find out about those services in your state, arrange them, then do what you need to do for your family. That's my 2 pennies, hope it helps.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:24:37 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Unfortunately, I don't get to make the best decision for all of us. At first, he said he didn't want to live alone. Now he wants to live alone so he can date someone. It's up to me to decide after I graduate whether we stay in the state until my father dies or move to a state with better job opportunities.


You realize even with health problems your dad could live another 10 to 20 years, right. I'd say do what is best for you.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:27:58 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
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Status: offline 		With all due respect - he is just 67. He may live for another 40 years! My dad lived to be 85, independently, with my mum, and died of cancer - not the heart attack I thought was going to take him 15 years earlier.

The point is, the OP is worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. He may live to be 80 and die from vigorous ........................ gardening.

OP, you need to do what is best for you, and that isn't hanging around waiting for him to become disabled or die. You not only have you to worry about, you have your husband, and family (if applicable), and staying in a state that you would be underemployed in , isn't practical.

If he gets to the point where he needs to live with you, if you are set up in a house, with a good job, you are ahead of the game.

Unless you are willing to take him to court and have him declared incompetent, there isn't much you can do about his decisions. Of course, if I was him, I would be less than impressed with the idea of moving in with my daughter and waiting to die.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:34:13 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
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Status: offline 		He hates poking his fingers, but he's very good at managing his diabetic diet (low carb 15 grams or less). In fact, he's always lecturing me about what I eat. He was doing very well managing his diabetes before the stroke. Once he had the stroke, even with his perfect diet, he had to take insulin. The extremely low blood sugar was a first time incident. He thinks next time he will know what to look for. His marriage is ending because of no love, no affection, her insulting him all the time, even in front of others, and because he felt like she was using him for his money since he always paid all the bills. Because of his age, he's in a hurry to meet someone so he can find happiness before he dies. He spent too many years in a loveless marriage and his age is making him desperate. I understand how he feels. But he thinks nobody will date him if he has his adult child and her husband living with him. From what I've read and heard on tv, extended families living together is becoming more and more common. But he's convinced any potential partner would find the situation abnormal.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 6/24/2013 5:42:40 PM >

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:45:43 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

Now, I do think it's a little strange that he said he didn't want to be alone and now he's fine with it. Either he's thought about it some and realized it won't be so bad or he doesn't want to feel as though he's burdening you.


Actually, he's more worried about us burdening him.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 5:59:17 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FelineRanger

Some of the responses, like "He is 67 and likely to die within some limited time. He ought to put any ideas of a third marriage out of his head. Move. Leave him behind." have been harsh. Unfortunately, I agree with the sentiment. You can't live your life dependent on the actions of someone who doesn't seem to care that much about himself. Judging by the little bit you have written, I suspect depression and the stroke may actually have affected his ability to make decisions, albeit in subtle ways. His inability to monitor his diabetes and his changing mind are the reason I say this. Since he is 67 and likely retired, there should be some kind of service that will visit him on a regular basis that Medicaid will pay for. See if you can find out about those services in your state, arrange them, then do what you need to do for your family. That's my 2 pennies, hope it helps.



There's no way he'd be eligible for Medicaid unless they consider bills with income instead of just income. His monthly retirement income is fairly high, but so are his bills. His house payment alone is $1500/month. His medication is also extremely expensive. I don't think him changing his mind has to do with any mental deficiency. It has to do with him being single. At first, he said if things didn't work out with the woman online (if it turned out to be a scam which is was), he was going to give up on dating all together and we could move in with him. Now he's decided he wants to meet someone and doesn't want us in the way. He changed his mind because of loneliness.

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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 6:13:03 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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Status: offline 		I just think it's sad he's so against my idea of us all living together and helping each other. With all of us splitting the bills, we would all have more money and we would be there when he starts having more health issues as he continues to age. But he's going to do what he wants to do. I really appreciate all the advice.

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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 6:18:11 PM   
Missokyst


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Status: offline 		If I were 67, knowing that a divorce is going to take some of what I worked hard for, all those years, I would NOT want to buy into a house with someone else, family or not. Basically you are offering help that helps you more than it would help him. You may have good intentions but when you added on that bit about sharing a house it likely went over like a lead balloon. He talks about finding love again which may be his way of telling you that very thing. If you want to help someone for the sake of helping then there should be no addendum.
My mother is 89 I am her caretaker. If you plan to take this path I will tell you it is a costly venture. I make 50% less than I used to make at minimum. I no longer have savings. People can live a really long time in poor health.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 6:55:56 PM   
littlewonder


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Status: offline 		It sounds to me like buying the house with him is more for your benefit than his. Just from the way you are coming across it just seems like you are talking about how it will make your life easier...not his.

He's not that old. My mom is almost 75 and probably has another 10 to 20 years left. Leave him be. Let him be happy.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 6:56:51 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Basically you are offering help that helps you more than it would help him. You may have good intentions but when you added on that bit about sharing a house it likely went over like a lead balloon. He talks about finding love again which may be his way of telling you that very thing. If you want to help someone for the sake of helping then there should be no addendum.



I was more looking at the situation as family helping each other. He has pets he's attached to. We have pets we are attached to. A house means we could all keep our pets. He stresses about money all the time. We stress about money. More people paying bills means everyone has more money. We don't freeload the way my stepmonster did. If his blood sugar gets low again because he watches his diet too closely, we will be there. His idea, at least at this point, is to live alone until he no longer can, then if we are in another state come live with us. We don't know how soon he will need us or if we will have enough time to save the money and buy a house big enough for all of us. He said he'd rather die, that he'd rather shoot himself than ever go to a nursing home.


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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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RE: need advice on family issue (older parent) - 6/24/2013 7:16:58 PM   
defiantbadgirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It sounds to me like buying the house with him is more for your benefit than his. Just from the way you are coming across it just seems like you are talking about how it will make your life easier...not his.

He's not that old. My mom is almost 75 and probably has another 10 to 20 years left. Leave him be. Let him be happy.



He keeps saying he doesn't know how much longer he's going to live. Plus I'm freaked out over him almost dying from low blood sugar. Also, families supposed to be a team, not one sided. Many families where everything is one-sided are dysfunctional and end up feeling used by each other and hating each other. Of course I'll do anything I can to help him if I'm able to. I do want him to be happy. I don't want to see him end up with another freeloader like my soon to be ex stepmonster.

< Message edited by defiantbadgirl -- 6/24/2013 7:37:38 PM >

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Only in the United States is the health of the people secondary to making money. If this is what "capitalism" is about, I'll take socialism any day of the week.


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