What am I? (Full Version)

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MarVet82 -> What am I? (6/28/2013 8:43:05 AM)

So, I have always considered myself a 'dominate daddy type'. I have been using positions and commands, mostly using common household items as restraints, and have never had any complaints.

Well, had a conversation with another who claims to be in the scene and she told me that I'm not anything but a top since I had not invested the time to learn the 'correct' names for positions or the money to have the 'correct' gear.

The discussion bordered on turning to an argument so I walked away.
So my question is, is technical knowledge and a bag of gear the community mark of a qualified Dom/Domme? Or is it all personality?

Thoughts and opinions?



goodgirlmary -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 8:48:55 AM)

Sheesh I have no idea.
i know a lot of people use household things though. Five bucks at the dollar store can give you a really great night.i wouldnt worry what you are labeled as within the community as long as its enjoyable for you.




i believe a top and a dom are not the same. I really think the person was justbeing rude. I dont know how you could tell them apart,but I would guess doms are more errr dominant.



Im not a dom or a master, just a littke sub/ slave. So my opinion obviously,kindof irrelevent



OsideGirl -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 8:53:17 AM)

....



MasterCaneman -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 8:53:47 AM)

Gear, toys, and all that shit don't mean a thing. If you take the Alpha position during a scene, you're a Master, Dom, Top, whatever label you want to append to yourself. I consider myself Dominant, but all I have fits in a mechanic's tool bag. You don't need "things" to "be" anything. Go tell her to pound sand.



OsideGirl -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 8:59:03 AM)



Two things:

She doesn't know her terms either. Top is someone that engages for specific event or time period. It's the person in control, but not necessarily being Dominant. ie: someone engage in a play session, when there is no D/s involved outside of the session.

The second thing is that you shouldn't get too hung up on labels. They give you a place to start when finding a partner, but ultimately within your relationship it doesn't matter if you call yourself "Grand Master Slash".

In the end, don't worry too much about her. She's clearly not the person for you. Think of it as a free pass for getting out of any future dealings with her.

As for this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarVet82

So my question is, is technical knowledge and a bag of gear the community mark of a qualified Dom/Domme? Or is it all personality?

Thoughts and opinions?


That's actually what would qualify you as a Top.

BDSM refers to bondage/discipline/Sado-masochism. (It's basically the kinky sex) It is not the same thing as D/s and you can engage in BDSM and never engage in BDSM. If you did enagae without involving D/s, you would be a Top.

D/s is Dominance and submission. It is not the same thing as BDSM. You can engage in D/s and never engage in BDSM.

So, you can see that D/s is actually the control dynamic, not the bagful of toys.





maxman5467 -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 9:03:05 AM)

seriously, you are giving credence to what someone else thinks, or defines a word to be? it is all semantics and counts for zero. to the poster above who thinks of it as
"kinky", vanilla folks think of it as kinky. those of us who found out how we were wired at birth think of it as normal. Max



MarVet82 -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 9:21:36 AM)

OOh, I'm not over concerned with labels, she just got me thinking is all.
I do dominate while in scene and do consider myself a Dom.

Here's the world according to Marvet
Gear is irreverent, as is the level of kink
Top- someone who controls the bedroom/sex
Dom - someone who controls the other person, either mentally or physically
Master- a Dom who uses the slave dynamic (also used for community recognized experts in the scene)

And invert the definitions for bottoms, subs, and slaves
I do use bondage and whip and whatnot but just not with special gear. I use sheets, the ties off a bathrobe, etc



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 10:19:13 AM)

I think the person you had that conversation with is a one true way person and, as such, she impresses me not. When I first started out as a Domme, I never had any special toys or "gear." I used things I already had from Home Depot and made some really cheap purchases from the Dollar Tree to get me by until I got some stuff made specifically with BDSM purposes in mind. In my case, in the beginning especially, I re-purposed pervertibles from vanilla stores and my own home. As for personality, there are Dom/mes I know with all sorts of personalities.

As for Top vs Dom/me: I always thought a Top is someone who gives the sensations to the bottom whether or not they control the scene, and a Dom/me is one who does control the sub. I always thought Top & bottom were more kink-focused and Dom/me & sub were more power exchange-focused. You can have both together but you don't have to, you can have one or the other separately.

NBMG



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 10:35:47 AM)

Welcome to the discussion side, Marvet.

How would *I* define dominant? Someone with a leadership personality who decides they want to be in control within the context of a relationship (not a session).

Now, that doesn't make them a good dominant, a good dominant is also caring, consensus building, and has control and mastery over themselves above all.

As for having the correct gear, you don't need any gear to be dominant. And as for knowing correct names for positions, that sounds very Gorean to me. Gorean equals fantasy based, in my mind.

You know, people have different ways they go about learning and discovering who and what they are. If your way works for you, that's all you need.



LadyPact -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 11:15:32 AM)

I tend to use terms depending on context. When it's scene related, even if you consider yourself having control during play, that's a top. If you're still in charge when the after care is over, meaning there is an actual dynamic in place, you are that person's Dominant.

D/s as a relationship description is necessarily the same thing as personality type. You might be socially Dominant (or submissive) as a personality trait, but that doesn't necessarily make you that in regard to another person just because you happen to have a scene with them.

To Me, the term Daddy Dom (which is different than leather Daddy) would mean that you have a dynamic in which you are easier on the D/s, have a submissive who expresses a 'little' side, and/or not as rigid on rules and protocols, OR that is the type of Dom that you would aspire to be should you have a submissive of your own.



Missokyst -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 2:46:11 PM)

*FR*
The positions bit sounds too gorean for my tastes, so knowing the correct terms for them would mean squat to me. Having the right toys means a lot if you own a store but otherwise means little when someone is bound, unless you need specific tools. I played for many years without knowing there were real anythings.
As far as being dominant, if you are playing with someone and it carries beyond play you might be dominant. When you are in charge solely for scene or any length of time to play then you are a top. And there is nothing wrong with that.

As for the other person, that is clearly a one true way type. I find that is more telling about their level of experience than anything. They got squat.



DarkSteven -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 4:40:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl



Two things:

She doesn't know her terms either. Top is someone that engages for specific event or time period. It's the person in control, but not necessarily being Dominant. ie: someone engage in a play session, when there is no D/s involved outside of the session.

The second thing is that you shouldn't get too hung up on labels. They give you a place to start when finding a partner, but ultimately within your relationship it doesn't matter if you call yourself "Grand Master Slash".

In the end, don't worry too much about her. She's clearly not the person for you. Think of it as a free pass for getting out of any future dealings with her.

As for this:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarVet82

So my question is, is technical knowledge and a bag of gear the community mark of a qualified Dom/Domme? Or is it all personality?

Thoughts and opinions?


That's actually what would qualify you as a Top.

BDSM refers to bondage/discipline/Sado-masochism. (It's basically the kinky sex) It is not the same thing as D/s and you can engage in BDSM and never engage in BDSM. If you did enagae without involving D/s, you would be a Top.

D/s is Dominance and submission. It is not the same thing as BDSM. You can engage in D/s and never engage in BDSM.

So, you can see that D/s is actually the control dynamic, not the bagful of toys.



Yeah. What OsideGirl said.



littlewonder -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 7:52:23 PM)

does it matter?

oh....and it's dominant, not dominate.



MarVet82 -> RE: What am I? (6/28/2013 8:14:00 PM)

The spelling issue is from my iPhone graciously trying to correct my thickthumbitis lol.
Hell, I had to edit one post three times and I think there were still some goofy words in there.

I realize I never stated but my need to control does extend outside the scene and into the relationship dynamic. So I think that's why OsideGirl suggested I'm a top.



BigbadBob1 -> RE: What am I? (6/29/2013 6:11:19 AM)

I'm going to enjoy this thanks for giving me a chance to pontificate.
quote:

ORIGINAL: MarVet82

So, I have always considered myself a 'dominate daddy type'. I have been using positions and commands, mostly using common household items as restraints, and have never had any complaints.


I will revisit this later>

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarVet82
Well, had a conversation with another who claims to be in the scene and she told me that I'm not anything but a top since I had not invested the time to learn the 'correct' names for positions or the money to have the 'correct' gear.


Just by definition the word "correct" is a red flag. We all borrow from John Normans Gor series where he defines a large number of positions. However that's his opinion. And there is argument as to what he meant in several positions. That being said, we all train a slave to our personal preferences. I always shudder when I hear a girl say "I was trained to do it this way..." My usual response is ok lets get you out of that bad habit. Your positions and commands are what you enjoy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarVet82
The discussion bordered on turning to an argument so I walked away.
So my question is, is technical knowledge and a bag of gear the community mark of a qualified Dom/Domme? Or is it all personality?

Thoughts and opinions?


While technical knowledge is something we should all have and you could use the term qualified to relate that knowledge it in no way effects your mindset.

The first problem I see with her argument is that she is "In the scene" Being in a group of like minded people is an awesome thing. But I have noticed that you get a click that sees it as the only way to be.

Lets see if we can move on to defining tops. I read an article on Literotica a few years ago that went along way to defining this. I'll post a link at the bottom of this.

I'm going with personality defines who and what you are. You are advised the following is just my opinion.

Top: Someone that assumes a dominant role during a scene.

Dominate: Someone that chooses to use influence or control. I usually rank the guys with bad attitudes here. They are usually a little insecure and tend to come across as angry or overly physical.

Alphas: These people put little effort into being dominate they just are. They usually speak softly because they expect you to listen to them and are genuinely surprised if you don't do as they request.

Daddy Doms: I'd put you up there with an Alpha the main difference being your more caring. You look after your property and expect it to grow/mature not just serve.


Oops forgot the link http://www.literotica.com/s/alphas



DarkSteven -> RE: What am I? (6/29/2013 6:48:41 AM)

Um. I would never accept the definitions from someone who confused the terms Dominate and Dominant. Also, you did not quote the linked article directly, but gave your own take and linked an article.



SwitchNSpanky -> RE: What am I? (6/29/2013 8:17:05 AM)

Your sex life is yours. You are what you say you are.

If your looking for me to define you, I'd say your a Dom as you like to control outside the bedroom. Having a bunch of gear says you like a bunch of gear. It tells me nothing of your personality.

Your friend and her wacky views are just her wacky views. Her type always makes me roll my eyes and secretly laugh. It's even better when those clowns have a click that thinks they can define the one true way... Eventually she will prob mature enough to realize the toy bag don't make the master any more than the car makes the man.



Dyfrynt -> RE: What am I? (6/29/2013 10:16:48 AM)

MarV, curious why you let one person's opinion throw you for a loop in the first place. My impression from your profile is that you are fairly confused from inexperience essentially. I'm sure you realize that the size of your bag of goodies is completely irrelevant. So that leaves technical knowledge and personality.

Both of the latter two are important, but the third side of that triangle is experience. You need all three. Bottom line, don't spend a lot of time on trying to put some kind of proper name on yourself. You are a beginner. That's good enough for now!



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: What am I? (6/29/2013 3:38:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Um. I would never accept the definitions from someone who confused the terms Dominate and Dominant.

Exactly. Dominant is a noun, what someone is. Dominate is a verb, what someone does. One really should know the difference but, for some silly reason, many get those confused....or just don't care.

NBMG



SeekingTrinity -> RE: What am I? (6/29/2013 11:47:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt

MarV, curious why you let one person's opinion throw you for a loop in the first place. My impression from your profile is that you are fairly confused from inexperience essentially. I'm sure you realize that the size of your bag of goodies is completely irrelevant. So that leaves technical knowledge and personality.

Both of the latter two are important, but the third side of that triangle is experience. You need all three. Bottom line, don't spend a lot of time on trying to put some kind of proper name on yourself. You are a beginner. That's good enough for now!


^^^This pretty much sums up my impression too. Well said



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