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Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/1/2013 6:21:59 PM   
crystalclarinet


Posts: 31
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline 		So in the past month my Dom has had a heart attack and left me. I found out that he was actually seeing another woman in the process which is part of the reason why he was so stressed. Now all the cards are on the table and somehow this has seemed to open things up in me that I never acutally knew were there. For instance in the past I was never into making friends in the scene or going out to events to meet new people in the scene, but recently I have found myself even considering venturing out on my own. Mostly I want to meet like minded individuals because all of my friends are vanilla and only see this stuff as getting hurt. He and I are attempting to work things out right now and we both agree that we should not be having sex of any sort at the moment but I find it difficult to resist. Also in this whole venture I find myself acutally wanting to top which is weird because I have always considered myself a submissive on the side of slave.

In the past we have wanted to consider another woman, but that just never happened, now I have an overwhelming desire to top a woman with or without him. All of this is very strange so I am just wondering if relationship issues are what is bringing out this stuff in me or was it there all the time. I know what my therapist says but he also has a negative outlook towards s&m anyways just wondering if anyone else out there can relate or not?
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/1/2013 6:30:54 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		To answer your question - yes, it can, but it's a LOT of work to deal with the issues and lack of trust.

I assume that you've been flooded with emotions. That could be capable of bringing out things that were buried. I don't know if it's capable of changing you from s type to switch, or made you bi.

WHY do you want to top? Is it to release aggression? Is it to try something new?

My personal advice would be to go places solo and to limit your contact with him. You're evidently not ready to cut all ties completely but that should be your main option. Unfortunately, as a sub, you're not in a good position to demand changes that will ensure he'll change his ways and become faithful this time.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/1/2013 6:32:05 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crystalclarinet

I know what my therapist says but he also has a negative outlook towards s&m anyways just wondering if anyone else out there can relate or not?


I suspect I know what your therapist is saying and I bet I'm about to say the same thing.

I think your need to top another woman is most likely not coming from a healthy place.




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/1/2013 6:48:11 PM   
crystalclarinet


Posts: 31
Joined: 10/29/2009
Status: offline 		I have no idea why I want to top... I am pretty sure its an aggression thing followed by a lack of power in the whole situation. Additionally its something that we have always hypothetically talked about but I never felt comfortable playing out (so there is always that possibility this is me trying to make it better). As far as demands to make things work out I do acutally have a list that I provided him with so we will see what he does with it. I mean just because I am a sub doesn't mean I have to be a victim. I think I am trying very hard to avoid victim mentality and perhaps this is also playing a factor into it. My therapist acutally said I should avoid the scene altogether at this point he says he has worked with people in the scene in the past, but that generally people are in for all the wrong reasons.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/1/2013 6:53:05 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Without having a long in depth conversation with you, my first guess is anger and a feeling of inferiority. (On two levels: gaining superiority over another woman and doing something that you think will make him desire you)

While I wouldn't tell you to completely withdraw from the scene, I would advise that you not have a relationship until you heal and work on your own emotions.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/1/2013 9:48:47 PM   
littleclip


Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline 		yes serious problems (stressors) can lead to a better relationship if there is enough resilience in the relationship and willingness to learn. as far as forming a new relationship i would advise getting all the issues with the previous one resolved first as if you dont it will continue to fester and cause further problems and only add to the difficulties. the only worse thing is to deny them and hide from them and become consumed from inside till it escaps your control

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i will always come to the call of those i love


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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 7:48:21 AM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		You say in the past you both considered another woman, but it never happened.

Yes it did, you were just not there.

Shall I repeat that? You seem to be avoiding it. You were not there when he hid his activity selfishly, took what he wanted with little thought as to how that would make you feel that manifested in his not doing it. Poor guy was stressed, but that didn't stop him from doing something that caused damage and now he has you again, in a position of catering to him with the damage he caused.

You are placing yourself in a natural victim mode by protecting yourself in a manner that isn't going to work for long if you did it. You don't need to top a woman. You need to top him. You can't do that so you reach out to put your misplaced feelings upon another, that you cannot express or do to him. You cannot replace your target or you will eventually resent that aspect of it and you will add emotional garbage on top of emotional garbage without getting to the real root of it all.

You were put in a painful place by someone you should have been able to trust... someone you catered to and took care of and now... he has had a heart attack... the other woman isn't around for whatever reasons and you haven't processed enough of your emotions of it, that you are evading them by wanting to control and act out with another, where you would call the shots from the beginning, rather than working things out where you really need to work them out.

Stop focusing on why you want to top another woman and figure out how you really feel about what was done to you... how you really feel in personal strength about your husband and what he did. I would bet money... that isn't resolved and there is a whole bunch more that you are burying.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 7/2/2013 7:58:56 AM >

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 8:00:00 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I have a theory.

Just my bizarre way of thinking coming out.

Maybe you have this desire to top A GIRL, cause he hurt you and cheated? Might be an emotion of getting the upper hand in the situation by topping. Did you feel anger? Just a thought.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to Rawni)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 8:02:54 AM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		You have a theory? At least two posters have elaborated on that same theory.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 8:12:39 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		ha, well I should have read the whole thing. Slaps myself hard, and says GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE. Don't be scared ya all, this too, soon will pass. LMAO.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to Rawni)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 8:22:01 AM   
violettefemme


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/28/2013
Status: offline 		New here, so I hope I am doing this right, but your title 'Can serious problems lead to a better relationship?" really shocked me when I read what has happened. Are you honestly considering forgiving this man after he cheated on you? Someone who is supposed to be 'in control' of the relationship and he cant control his penis?? I understand that it is hard to leave someone, even if they have hurt you deeply, but going back to that same person simply baffles me.

_____________________________

Words all failed the magic prize; nothing I can say when I'm in your thighs.

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 8:33:49 AM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: violettefemme

New here, so I hope I am doing this right, but your title 'Can serious problems lead to a better relationship?" really shocked me when I read what has happened. Are you honestly considering forgiving this man after he cheated on you? Someone who is supposed to be 'in control' of the relationship and he cant control his penis?? I understand that it is hard to leave someone, even if they have hurt you deeply, but going back to that same person simply baffles me.


You did it right. Good job and welcome to the forums.

(in reply to violettefemme)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 8:34:00 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Seems your fantasy from last year came true. I would really dig deep and discover why you wish to top a woman before you actually do.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 11:18:04 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Can serious problems lead to a better relationship?


In general, yes. In your specific case, doubtful, given that he cheated on you and left you.

_____________________________

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(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 11:41:40 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP,

Sometimes serious issues, like illnesses, financial problems, kids, etc. can test the strength of a relationship.

However, in your case, the guy cheated and I would not analyze it, I would move on.

Broken trust does not test a relationship, it ends it.

As for topping a woman, asked and answered already above.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 11:45:57 AM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline 		As Tazzy brought up, the OP has been here before and one of the dom's fantasies was to bring in another woman and she wasn't sure about it. Seems, he forced the issue behind her back, had a heart attack and now wants her back and she is trying to solve it by making rules for him. Nothing works it seems. You can't control a wayward man that devalues you and your relationship... with giving him rules and babysitting him, which will be the way that goes.

I would shit can that dude in a heartbeat.

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 11:48:17 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		He may not have heartbeats to shitcan. But I got a new twist, now. Honey, you just gotta get us a girl, I could have a fuckin heart attack without both of you doing me............

Thanks!!! I am so fuckin set right now, cant wait to get home and get on this one.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 11:51:21 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, of course sometimes this kind of thing can bring the two of you closer together - You know, out of that angst something beautiful can blossom.

Of course, more often than not, the shitbag will read your taking him back as carte blanche to fuck you over whenever he gets an itch that you can't scratch.

The key is for you to decide which one it is.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 3:10:45 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I would suggest putting all personal relationships aside at the moment till you've figured things out for yourself.

I think when you've gotten some space from the situation and can look at his actions more objectively, I think you might see them in a less favorable light. Also, does a woman somewhere out there deserve to have you use her when it may potentially be for unhealthy reasons? Don't put someone in the position of being used, just as you were and why bring in more complications to your life at this point?

Cut off ties with this man and set all relationships aside till you feel like you know what end is up. You're 24, you will go on to bigger and better things.

(in reply to crystalclarinet)
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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/2/2013 6:09:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Unfortunately, as a sub, you're not in a good position to demand changes that will ensure he'll change his ways and become faithful this time.



Sure she is. By lying and cheating on her he broke the existing relationship.

If she decides she wants to form a new relationship with him, with rules in place that she sets to protect herself then she certainly can.

"You want to be with me, this is what I need from you".

Now he's free to say those rules don't work for him and he's not going to be transparent until she's determined he's trustworthy. But in that case he gets the consequence of not having a relationship with her.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
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