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Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 10:06:00 AM   
Misscomplicated


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		I'm going to post this also in ask a Slave. You will understand why as I need both sides.

My Dom and I live indifferent states in Australia. I travel once a month to spend a few days with him. Fully immersing myself in my slave life. We have played and my body has the marks. cane stripes on my arse, very bruised breasts and now a broken heart.A few hours ago, 2 1/2 to be exact ) my Dom told me that after 7 months, he is unable to love anyone, and he released me. No discussion. I love him. But I can't make him love me. I'm shattered..is there a better way to do this than removing a collar and walking away. I have relied on him for 7 months. I'm scared.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 10:38:25 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's natural to grieve the end of the relationship and to feel a little lost.

It must make it harder to feel like the end has come suddenly and without giving you a chance to ask questions and have your say. Ultimately though, you love him, and he is telling you that he doesn't love you. No discussion you could have will change that. And you wouldn't want it to. It's hard now, imagine how much worse it would be to hear if you'd uprooted yourself and moved in with him for a couple of years? Or had his child? It may not feel like it, but if he can't love you then he did right to end the relationship and not let it go any further.

Is there a better way? I don't know. Very few break ups are easy. You will get through it though. You say that you relied on him, but keep things in perspective - you saw him a few days each month. The rest of the time I assume you fed yourself, paid your bills, met with friends and so on... right? Your profile says you have three kids. So you have been caring for them. You already have the abilities you need to be independent. Just take some time to grieve and later you can sift through the wreckage and figure out if there is anything you can learn for next time.

They sell Ben and Jerry's in Australia, right?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 10:43:23 AM   
Misscomplicated


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		Ben and Jerry's ?

Even though we only saw each other a few days a month, he controlled everything... I work for him, he told me what to wear, etc.... All decisions were run past him.


(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
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RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 10:55:04 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Misscomplicated

Ben and Jerry's ?

Even though we only saw each other a few days a month, he controlled everything... I work for him, he told me what to wear, etc.... All decisions were run past him.





You work for him? That's a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to Misscomplicated)
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RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 10:57:57 AM   
Misscomplicated


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		Work will not be effected. I love my job. We were dating before I started working for him.im not going to sue him because he released me. I'm not like that. I will still put in110% into my job.

< Message edited by Misscomplicated -- 7/2/2013 10:58:28 AM >

(in reply to searching4mysir)
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RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 10:58:12 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		The ice cream.

OK. So that was seven months. But you are 40. You have three kids, so you've been a parent for a while. You've also been through at least one relationship ending before, and you survived and got back on your feet.

I am not in any way making light of the pain you are feeling right now. I am just trying to provide a little perspective that you will get through it and you can manage without him to lean on - even if things seem very dark right now.

When you say seven months - how long were you together before you made the commitment to be his slave?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:00:32 AM   
Misscomplicated


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		2 months together before he collared me.

Your prob right.. Il be ok. I just feel tossed aside. I was hoping for some advice re going back to " normal" whatever that is

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:00:38 AM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Misscomplicated-I'm sorry for what you are experiencing now.

Ben and Jerry's is a brand of ice cream in the US.

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:02:55 AM   
Misscomplicated


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		I've already eaten a whole block of chocolate... Oh for some ice cream

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:07:07 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Misscomplicated

2 months together before he collared me.

Your prob right.. Il be ok. I just feel tossed aside. I was hoping for some advice re going back to " normal" whatever that is


I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad.

I know I sound like I'm being unhelpful, but I think once you are past the raw pain of the break up you will find getting back to normal easier than you think. The fact that you have kids at home is a good thing right now - it will keep you focused on practicalities and a week from now you'll realise that you managed to dress yourself every day, and decide what was for dinner, and pay the electricity bill. You have been independent for much, much longer than he was making decisions for you, it will come naturally. It might suck for a while, but you will do it. The world hasn't changed so much in the last seven months.

Maybe it would help you to write lists of all the things you would consult with him on in a typical week, then you can address each decision one at a time. In the mean time, pour your thoughts out into journals, invite a girlfriend over with a bottle of wine and have a good cry, watch a weepy movie with a box of chocolates, take those kiddos out for a treat and get through the next few days.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:10:57 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

is there a better way to do this than removing a collar and walking away.


Same advice I'd give someone ending a vanilla relationship - get busy:

- spend more time with family
- volunteer
- take a class
- join a gym/spend more time at the gym
- yoga
- cardio

And yes, Ben & Jerry's

ETA - if you see a pattern of making poor relationship choices, then consider therapy as well.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 7/2/2013 11:12:33 AM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:16:43 AM   
Misscomplicated


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/27/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks all for your advice. I think,seeking ppl to talk too about this ( as it is currently 4.15am) is helping.. I've stopped crying and focusing on being on my flight home in 5 hours ( getting up in 2 hours ) and not making the morning difficult. I still have a 1 1/2 car ride with him to the air port

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 11:54:12 AM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline 		Good luck on the car ride. That's gotta be uncomfortable. But from all I've read, it's his issues not yours. Don't waste time trying to fix him. Instead, go hunt down a new Dom after eating some ice cream and hugging the kids.

_____________________________

I am a lover AND a fighter...

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 2:17:39 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I find wallowing in break-up music helps, particularly while taking a long walk with headphones attached to the player.
Otherwise, count yourself lucky that he didn't string you along for years. THAT is hell on earth.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 2:36:15 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		The entire text of the book, How to Survive the Loss of a Love, is here:

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/

You may find it to be helpful.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 2:37:18 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SwitchNSpanky
Instead, go hunt down a new Dom after eating some ice cream and hugging the kids.


Actually, better advice is to give yourself some time to grieve and heal, then go out looking.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SwitchNSpanky)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 2:55:16 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		The thing that helps me the most in situations like this is to get busy. Give your mind something to do so it doesn't dwell on the subject of him. Intentionally seek out a class, a group, a job, a club....something that gives you new memories that have nothing to do with him and also keep your mind off of him.

It's hard getting through the same daily routines that are now changed, his absence sticks out like a sore thumb with everything. So anything you can change now into a new place or routine with new people will help you immensely because you're building a new day to day life that doesn't include him. If it's a class/job or something of that nature, you also have responsibilities that will help keep your mind busy and off painful subjects.

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 3:08:57 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Misscomplicated

Work will not be effected. I love my job. We were dating before I started working for him.im not going to sue him because he released me. I'm not like that. I will still put in110% into my job.


If you work with him, you will never get over it.

I would look for a new job if possible.

Never date someone at work.

(in reply to Misscomplicated)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 4:22:58 PM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: Misscomplicated

Work will not be effected. I love my job. We were dating before I started working for him.im not going to sue him because he released me. I'm not like that. I will still put in110% into my job.


If you work with him, you will never get over it.

I would look for a new job if possible.

Never date someone at work.


Great advice.

_____________________________

I am a lover AND a fighter...

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Uncollaring - 7/2/2013 5:57:07 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Get a pencil and paper. Write down a list of all the stuff you used to do that he didn't like, so you haven't done it lately.

Do one a day.

Write down a list of the stuff you didn't want to do that you had to.
When you get to the time of day you would have done that, high five the empty room or do a happy dance that you don't have to do that anymore.

In the beginning neither of these will hold much joy and that's normal. But you'll be surprised at how soon the enjoyment comes back.

Pamper yourself. Drink a glass of wine in a bubble bath. Watch a movie he would hate. And so on.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to SwitchNSpanky)
Profile   Post #: 20
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