njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline
|
I think people gave a lot of great suggestions, and I think one of the most wonderful is the idea of 'we', to get out of this notion of 'what does he bring to me" or 'what does she bring to me', it becomes "what does this do for us?"....and yeah, that is very difficult, couples therapists go nuts with that kind of thing (and the obverse, where people so totally see 'the we' they forget about themselves, which isn't good either).
If I was going to teach it, assuming I would ever foolishly try to do something so unrewarding (hey, I once put out a church newsletter, that is even less rewarding:), I think I would take it a bit deeper..
For example, with trust, it is easy to say 'you need trust'...but a lot harder to explain to people how to build it, and I think that is important. IMO, the biggest element with trust is figuring out how to show it, words are all great and good, but trust is caught from what the other person does. For example, if someone is in a relationship and sees that their potential partner deals with others fairly, when he says they have a friends back they do, says a lot more than "honey, I'll always be on your side". If the partner does something altruistically, if they demonstrate by let's saying going to any movie made out of a Nicholas Sparks book or willingness to read certain books, because you like it, it means more than words. As human beings, we 'pick up' a lot more by actions and how someone is and acts than we do by words.
Plus we have to demonstrate that we truly trust them, and usually that comes up by at some point, they say "honey, I am telling you, white castle hamburgers are the cure for what ails you" and you then eat them, that is demonstrating trust *lol*. Seriously, to trust someone you usually IME need to know they trust you, too, it is an interlocking pair.
It also is about learning how to fight, and do it fairly and without absolutely ripping things apart, and that isn't easy, when you get to know someone, get intimate with them, you get to know how to push buttons, hit triggers, and often it is unconscious, which means it is hard to control. Mary Matalin and James Carville, probably one of the most mis matched couples, at least politically, two strong willed, intelligent, dynamic people have a marriage that has lasted a long time..they wrote a book on it, and I thought it was well written, especially on how to fight......
Another useful thing might be the warning signs of a relationship about to go south, like when you start blaming the other person for everything bad happening without looking at your own part, like when you start living up in your head rather than in the relationship (could be anything from daydreaming about a perfect relationship and comparing it to your own, reading modern romance novels and wondering why your mate isn't 6'5, can shoot the eye out of a one eyed jack at 100 yards and after 15 hour days wants sex 4 times, or the woman who has born you 3 kids, works a tough job, makes one hell of a pie, and has a barbie doll figure, looks great in a leather mini at 45, and is willing to do anything in bed after a long day..), or when you think that somehow every other couple has it better than you....
My biggest tip? My dad used to say nothing happens by osmosis, and when you find that the relationship is coasting along with no work, no issues, where you just go through your daily lives and there is no drama at all, no highs, no lows, where you don't have to do anything, it likely is a relationship IMO that won't last....i.e that a relationship means work, and that a relationship coasting along on some sort of lowest common denominator level of happiness that seems to lack drama or downside, probably also is seriously lacking in upside, and in the long term, very likely will hit a rock and possibly sink. My therapist kind of described this as being emotional prozac, when you are on anti depressants it mutes the lows, to allow you to function, but mutes the highs, whereas someone not on it can experience incredible highs, and incredible lows, with most of life being somewhere in between, and the incredible highs are what helps make life move along...a couple 'caught in the middle' , who avoid the highs cause it might mean having lows, too, are doing the same thing. Working at a relationship means finding a way to experience the highs and also in learning to deal with the lows, so you aren't afraid to face the swings.
|
RE: Improving Relationship Skills? - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread