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How to find a mentor? - 7/3/2013 3:20:02 PM   
Salenku


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/19/2013
Status: offline 		Without them being a creepy type who wants only his own ends?

I appreciate that mentoring another, or even giving advice without recompense is a selfless task, but I understand that they do exist, and I think I need guidance. How do I find one? I'm not out in my local kinky scene....

Thank you for reading this, and in advance for any advice you might give.
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/3/2013 4:00:12 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I firmly believe that your mentor should be of the same sex and orientation as you are.

In other words, you shouldn't be having a male Dom as a mentor.

Next, if you do have a male Dom as a mentor, he should not be playing or having sex with you.

Lastly, I firmly believe in having someone that is local to you and that you know in real life as your mentor. They will know about the people and culture of your community, where as someone half way across the country will not.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Salenku)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/3/2013 7:21:02 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Most male doms will only mentor a guy if his girlfriend is hot and they think they can at least nail her.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/3/2013 11:24:40 PM   
SoulAlloy


Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
Status: offline 		what are you looking for in a mentor?

At first I thought you were looking to be mentored in how to top/Dom but I see you're a female sub. Unless you're looking to switch?

Are you looking for casual play without sex? I'd suggest getting out on the local scene, go along to rope workshops, ask a DM nicely at a play event and often they'll be ok to show you certain sensations. Alternatively you could look for a pro dom/me.

Looking to switch? Same as above, great way for learning techniques.

Are you looking for someone to bounce ideas off and help your own perceptions? Then I'd say these forums are a good start, chat to other submissives, doesn't even have to be local

_____________________________

"Better to be a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without" - Confucius

"It'll be alright in the end - if it isn't alright, it's not the end." - unknown

Kinky crossdressing Whovian

Host of the Preston (UK) Munch, 2nd Wednesday each month

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/4/2013 1:21:49 AM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		A good mentor can be somebody of any orientation. Dom/sub/switch which has experience in actually doing this, along with an awareness of the diversity inside the lifestyle. Somebody willing to spend time sharing things with you and asking you questions to make you think.

_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUzJI4Palq0

(in reply to Salenku)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/4/2013 3:44:08 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

A good mentor can be somebody of any orientation. Dom/sub/switch which has experience in actually doing this, along with an awareness of the diversity inside the lifestyle. Somebody willing to spend time sharing things with you and asking you questions to make you think.



A good mentor *can* be that. Unfortunately, too many males decide that offering to be a mentor is a nice quick way inside someone's panties. This is why Oside's advice stands the test of time.

For the OP: Don't look for a mentor, look for a knowledgeable friend.





_____________________________



(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/4/2013 5:08:50 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		What is it you want a mentor for?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/4/2013 11:01:35 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		What Stephen said.

If I'm working with a client, one of the early questions is what they're expecting from our association, and how we will measure it.

I'm also big on win/win. What are you giving this mentor? Yes, I do things for altruistic reasons, but that doesn't mean I have time for anyone who asks, for example. What is it this mentor gains from the association?

I work with a top business coach. He takes me through expansion much more quickly than I could alone -- and we have very specific and time sensitive goals. And in return, I work the work and pay him well.

I help friends out of friendship -- but there I have the friendship to gain.

What is it you're looking for?


(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/4/2013 9:28:53 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I firmly believe that your mentor should be of the same sex and orientation as you are.

What she said. ^^^^ And my reasoning is, too many male Doms(I did NOT say "all") look at mentoring a female sub as an easy way to get pussy. By having a mentor of your own sex and orientation, you can short-circuit that before it happens.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/5/2013 9:54:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NiceButMeanGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I firmly believe that your mentor should be of the same sex and orientation as you are.

What she said. ^^^^ And my reasoning is, too many male Doms(I did NOT say "all") look at mentoring a female sub as an easy way to get pussy. By having a mentor of your own sex and orientation, you can short-circuit that before it happens.

NBMG


That is absolutely one of the reason's I say that. The other reason I say that is: When you're new you deal with a lot of internal walls and emotions. It's one of those things that unless you've been in the same situation that you're not going to understand.

As for the local thing, the perfect example: About 10 years ago we mentored a fairly new female submissive. She lived in Orange County CA and her "mentor" lived in Chicago. A local man approached her about playing. She ran it by her mentor, who said yes. She played with the guy and he scared the shit out of her. Ignored safewords, ignored limits, etc.

Here's the thing, if we had been her mentors at that time, we would have said no. Because we were part of the same community, we knew who he was and knew that he had a reputation for doing those very things.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
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RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/5/2013 11:02:55 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salenku
I appreciate that mentoring another, or even giving advice without recompense is a selfless task, but I understand that they do exist, and I think I need guidance. How do I find one? I'm not out in my local kinky scene....

Chortles
How hot is she?

Sounds snarky, right?
But seriously, sad but true, the hotter she is, the more peeps will be willing to volunteer.
That said, my feedback would be to mentor each other, learn together as you learn each other. It's the only way to go because what works for one often won't work for another-that goes for dominants, slaves and relationships. Just one of the great truths in life.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Salenku)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/5/2013 11:13:42 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		Although you posed this question in Ask a Master, I see you are a submissive. So you are looking for a mentor that is also submissive?

_____________________________

Equal in Worth, just Not in Power.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/5/2013 1:19:06 PM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline 		Why didn't anyone ask if the OP wanted a male mentor to screw her brains out between giving advice? How do we know what sort of mentor she wants?

So.. OP. what are you looking for in a Mentor and what do you seek to gain from the relationship? What do you plan to contribute to the relationship?

_____________________________

I am a lover AND a fighter...

(in reply to Salenku)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How to find a mentor? - 7/5/2013 1:47:02 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salenku

Without them being a creepy type who wants only his own ends?

I appreciate that mentoring another, or even giving advice without recompense is a selfless task, but I understand that they do exist, and I think I need guidance. How do I find one? I'm not out in my local kinky scene....

Thank you for reading this, and in advance for any advice you might give.


I'm of the opinion that you don't find a mentor. Instead just find someone you connect with. Get to know them, spend time with them. Find out if you like them or not. You know, same as you would do when you know....go out on dates with people. You do know how to date right?


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Salenku)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 5:03:41 PM   
Salenku


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/19/2013
Status: offline 		Hey thank you so much for your replies, I'm sorry I've been absent, but CM didnt let me know my post had been replied to, so I didn't think anyone had! Off to fix that soon....

Reading your replies, it seems a female sub would be best (thank you especially, oside girl!), but I'd been given to understand before I posted that mentors for subs were usually doms. My sir is mentoring one of his girls, and they do have sex, so I thought it was normal. Please forgive my ignorance in this, I'm quite new, hence the original question! Our relationship is also the reason I think I need objective guidance.

OG's comment about being local makes total sense, I've since joined fet and have been able to talk to some people more local to me, which is nice.

Thank you again for all of your advice, it's very much appreciated. I'll be more vigilant for replies in future, too!

Ps, I'm sure I recognise some of your AVs from Literotica, if we've been commenting in the boards there together? If so, very nice to see you! I'm Salenku on Fetlife too, stop by and say hi if you feel so inclined, would be lovely to chat! :)

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 5:09:41 PM   
Salenku


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/19/2013
Status: offline 		To answer your question about what I have to give a mentor, I don't know, to be honest. I'm new to this, and have few kinky friends. Is payment common, as is with a therapist? If so, where can I find one, and should I look for any specific qualifications before paying them?

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 6:29:39 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm sorry, but if you don't have some idea of what a mentor can do for you, you shouldn't be asking for one.

You're a young sub new to the lifestyle, and your Fet profile says you will play outside your primary relationship. You'll attract all kinds of predators that way.

Payment in money is NOT common. The kind of mentor I would recommend, is one who does it to bring more people into the community safely, or one who does it to bolster his position within the community.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Salenku)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 6:36:05 PM   
Salenku


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/19/2013
Status: offline 		I do know what I want from a mentor, I want (need) to learn and have someone to ask advice of at times. I was asked specifically what I could give THEM in return. I don't know what is expected, which is why I asked.

Thank you for your reply, I'll keep your thoughts in mind, though, especially regarding my fet profile, which I will change..

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 6:49:30 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salenku

I do know what I want from a mentor, I want (need) to learn and have someone to ask advice of at times. I was asked specifically what I could give THEM in return. I don't know what is expected, which is why I asked.




I misread what you'd written. Sorry about that.

Well, I actually did answer that question anyway!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Salenku)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 7:04:58 PM   
Salenku


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/19/2013
Status: offline 		No worries...

Yes, you did! And thank you for replying. :)

< Message edited by Salenku -- 8/28/2013 7:05:54 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 20
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