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RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 7:18:42 PM

MarcEsadrian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Salenku
I appreciate that mentoring another, or even giving advice without recompense is a selfless task, but I understand that they do exist, and I think I need guidance. How do I find one? I'm not out in my local kinky scene....
Thank you for reading this, and in advance for any advice you might give.

While it's not my thing, mentoring can mean many different things to many different people, and no one interpretation is necessarily the correct way, though it's certainly fair to assert that you should be learning something. Some do best in a platonic arrangement with a paternal-like figure, a man they can go to with questions and for advice. Others actually want the hands-on experience of serving in a controlled environment—a private sphere of intimacy where carnal need-to-know is explored without judgement or ponderous obligation. Sometimes it's a mix of the two, and so long as both parties are happy with the arrangement, then all is well.

Many of the comments in this forum hit upon an all to common truth, however: the land of the mentor is often the land of prurient pink elephants. Many who fashion themselves as "mentors" would be better described as enterprising sex opportunists. While I don't agree that you should choose a member of the same sex to mentor you as a rule, it is critical, nonetheless, to choose wisely, remembering that a mentor is there as a trusted source of advise and (optionally) training.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 7:51:20 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I firmly believe that your mentor should be of the same sex and orientation as you are.

In other words, you shouldn't be having a male Dom as a mentor.

Next, if you do have a male Dom as a mentor, he should not be playing or having sex with you.

Lastly, I firmly believe in having someone that is local to you and that you know in real life as your mentor. They will know about the people and culture of your community, where as someone half way across the country will not.

I almost agree with this. If you can find a reasonable one then a male dom mentor is not awful although I'd still think an experienced female sub would be a better bet and it offers the advantage of not setting the fox to guard the hen house.

I'd be curious though, what exactly does the OP need mentoring in? Presumably there's some perceived gap or shortcoming that she wants a mentor to aid her in. I'd be curious what that was.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/28/2013 7:51:24 PM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I firmly believe that your mentor should be of the same sex and orientation as you are.

In other words, you shouldn't be having a male Dom as a mentor.

Next, if you do have a male Dom as a mentor, he should not be playing or having sex with you.

Lastly, I firmly believe in having someone that is local to you and that you know in real life as your mentor. They will know about the people and culture of your community, where as someone half way across the country will not.

This. Definitely this.

That said, I do think it's possible for someone of another orientation/side of the kneel could be a great mentor, but in your case I reckon you should look for a sub f mentor.

And... while I appreciate that there are many different approaches to mentoring, if your d is having sex with the person he's supposed to be mentoring, my sense is that it's something other than mentoring he's doing. I.e he's fucking her....

Now that's ok if you're happy being in a poly or open relationship.
Out of curiosity, have you asked him if he'd be happy with you fucking your mentor?

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/29/2013 5:09:24 PM

Salenku

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Thank you all so much for your responses, it's very much appreciated. I am getting to know more local people lately, and I get the feeling that another sub would be best, but I'm not ruling out anybody, if it works.

As to what I'm looking for, someone I can ask general d/s questions, I guess, as well as help with more specific issues, namely trust, how poly works, and perhaps a second opinion if I'm chatting with someone I want to meet. It's silly, but the most obvious thing to post would be exactly what I'm looking for, and I never really thought about it until I was asked. That'll teach me to post after a glass to many of wine!

I'm still not sure what a potential mentor would expect in return for helping me, but I will ask. It might throw up some interesting answers!

Thanks again for getting back to me, -I feel better equipped to start looking now.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 8/29/2013 5:34:00 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Salenku
Thank you all so much for your responses, it's very much appreciated. I am getting to know more local people lately, and I get the feeling that another sub would be best, but I'm not ruling out anybody, if it works.

You know I don't think this is all that hard. You are looking for someone to mentor you in something. If that thing is fucking then they should probably fuck you. If that thing is something else they should do that. The only rub I have with mentors is when there are no stated goals, no objectives, and "mentoring" becomes synonymous with "sport fucking".

So what I'd do is make sure I had a clear idea what I was hoping to learn and then just stick to the lesson plan. I also wouldn't treat my mentor as my dom. No credible mentor would act that way unless, again, "hands-on experience" was a part of YOUR stated goals (and even then I would decline). Yes, I've mentored a few women here and there but it was always very clinical. Discussions tended to be...

"Lets talk about the various stripes and flavors of BDSM. There's leather, M/s, D/s, Top/bottom, Gor, ....."

or...

"Lets discuss the reality of dominance and submission. In the real world humans are humans not roles..."

Nobody who saw any of this mentoring would think a thing of it. The only relationship was that of teacher/student and that was enforced by me. it's really not all that hard to understand what quality mentorship looks like. There's really only two parts that matter to me...

A) Are they teaching you the things YOU wanted to learn?
B) Are the enforcing an appropriate relationship?

The reason I say "enforce" there is that in my experience sub-frenzy is an issue and the sub will want to bond to the dom in entirely inappropriate ways. I don't let that happen. One of the things I say to people is, "The real D/s buttons in humans are deep and primal. You cannot press them and expect nothing to happen." Accordingly, I'm very conservative about how I extend dominance in this situation.

edited to add:
What I personally expected in return was the satisfaction of having helped someone I found worthy. I long since got over picking up stray puppies. But I'm perfectly willing to invest my time and my self into someone I find worthy and it is it's own reward. If you wanted to reward me what you'd do is take the results of all that mentoring and go find yourself a deliriously happy relationship. That would be a MASSIVE pay back to me. That would go in my little list of "substantially good works Jeff has done" and I value that list.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/29/2013 5:36:28 PM >

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 9/3/2013 1:39:23 AM

ante

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I've found the best mentors I've had are the ones who have started out as nothing more than friends through chat and then as time has passed I realise that the chats we've had and the topics we've discussed have been a learning experience. With some we have recognised that it has become a mentoring relationship and at that point the only thing we've agreed on has been the fact that it will never evolve into sexual play.

I'd like to state that there has never been any sexual play with any of them even prior to reaching that conclusion.

Some have clearly said that they are enjoying the dynamic of being the one to make me think and evolve into who I am. So as far as what one can give back, I think some dominants just take pleasure and pride in watching you grow as your own person and being part of that journey you're taking.

That said, I think it takes a rather selfless dominant to do such a thing and I realise how blessed I have been with the ones I have had.

I also think that the definition of mentoring varies and therefore it's hard to know exactly what it entails. To me it's about guiding through talks. Where I can ask questions (and know that the answers will be the opinion of the mentor rather than the one and only truth!) and have my mentor prod and poke at my thoughts on various subjects which may be completely alien to me. To challenge me mentally and help broaden my horisons. Not to tell me what's right or wrong, but to help me figure out what is right or wrong for me. What are my boundaries? What do I need? What can I offer? What kind of dominant would I need?

I also believe in having more than one mentor, and different ones. For instance, I'm not a masochist, but have had mentors who have been sadists. It's taught me to recognise what aspects some people enjoy and that those aspects are not my cup of tea.

What I enjoy about the non sexual aspect of the Mentor is that I never have to worry about pleasing them or being something I'm not, out of fear of rejection. (That's a whole other topic entirely!)

Because we're all different. A mentor (or dominant for that matter, in my opinion) can't shape you into something they want you to be, they can only help you become what you want to be.

(*slips off soapbox quietly and slinks off....*)

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 9/3/2013 6:38:55 AM

DarkSteven

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While I agree with everything Jeff posted above, he omitted something very important - he is in a relationship. I consider that to make him much more suitable to mentor a woman.

I'd be very leery of a single het Dom who volunteered to mentor. Not that it's out of the question, but there'd be an underlying tension.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 9/3/2013 8:53:16 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I'd be curious though, what exactly does the OP need mentoring in? Presumably there's some perceived gap or shortcoming that she wants a mentor to aid her in. I'd be curious what that was.

Honestly, just having someone to help guide you through your community and have a grasp of reputations in the community is a great reason to have a mentor. Or to help deal with the emotional issues that pop up that are specific to gender and orientation.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 9/3/2013 7:08:45 PM

DesFIP

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But beyond that, just asking questions of an entire forum is not a bad thing either. You'll get a variety of responses and you will see which ones make you nod your head in agreement. If one or two particular posters frequently make you do that, then ask them if you can bounce a couple of questions off of them.

Most people here are fine with that. What we get out of it is knowing that someone else thinks we're pretty cool. And we aren't giving much more than a few minutes a couple of times a week which isn't a huge imposition on anyone.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 9/3/2013 7:21:55 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
Honestly, just having someone to help guide you through your community and have a grasp of reputations in the community is a great reason to have a mentor. Or to help deal with the emotional issues that pop up that are specific to gender and orientation.

How interesting. Well then by this definition SimplyMichael is my mentor. Although I more thought of him as a helpful stranger who later became a freind.

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RE: How to find a mentor? - 9/3/2013 7:47:02 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I'd be curious though, what exactly does the OP need mentoring in? Presumably there's some perceived gap or shortcoming that she wants a mentor to aid her in. I'd be curious what that was.

Honestly, just having someone to help guide you through your community and have a grasp of reputations in the community is a great reason to have a mentor. Or to help deal with the emotional issues that pop up that are specific to gender and orientation.

Agreed. I've done those, and also worked out what activities a newbie was interested in, and told him or her who was experienced in them. I also demo'ed impact play on my sub with newbies, and once checked out a party for a friend of mine. She wanted to express her Top side, and I contacted regulars at the party to verify that male bottoms would be there.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 31