RE: Was it too much to ask?! (Full Version)

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tommonymous -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 7:59:06 PM)

I'll echo the other posters. I really don't think you did anything wrong by asking for his address after he had yours. (I can see his being uncomfortable since he really doesn't know that you're not having a few of your friends over to help themselves, but he WAS picking you up, so I'd be inclined to tell him to relax a bit.) The fact that you didn't arrange to meet him someplace isn't the best idea, as has been mentioned.

Ultimately, you're responsible for your own safety. You seem to have a decent head on your shoulders, now just take to heart the good advice that's already been given by other posters. Don't feel badly about not meeting someone who gives you ANY cause for concern. If they're genuinely interested in you (and they're a decent person) they'll work with you to find a way to put everyone at ease, and make a meeting happen.



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:00:57 PM)

Thank you for your reply. That is my thought too! I would rather be safe than sorry!



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:03:27 PM)

I plan to take their advice and yours and do things differently in the future! I learned my lesson. Thank for your reply :-).



UllrsIshtar -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:15:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAngel43211

I learned my lesson.


Not to be snarky, but I'm genuinely curious. How did you make it to 31 years old without learning that lesson?

Keep in mind that BDSM dating isn't in essence any different than vanilla dating.

Don't feel like that because you identify as submissive you need to be a doormat to everybody.

When you meet a Dominant guy you like, put him through exactly the same kinds of hoops you would put a vanilla guy through. Him self-identifying as Dominant doesn't give him a free pass at anything until you guys are in a steady relationship and you have, with conscious forethought agreed to give him that control.

Skip right by any guy who thinks he's entitled to boss you around because of your orientation. You being submissive doesn't give anybody, not even a guy you're interested in, the right to anything at all, unless and until YOU choose to give that authority to them.



lizi -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:18:35 PM)

I always meet someone for the first time on neutral turf for a short period of time. You can always extend a date without much trouble, but cutting one off that was meant to be a long drawn out process is harder. You never really know how it will go, you might think it's a given that the person you are seeing will be wonderful etc, but you just don't know till you see them.

What's the hurry? In the future meet your date somewhere for coffee and make a second date for somewhere else if you like him. That let's the both of you build trust slowly and more comfortably.

If someone isn't mindful at all of your safety or comfort during the time you'll be with him as you get to know each other, then how would he treat you in a more vulnerable situation like maybe being tied up? If how you feel isn't important to him now, why would it be later?



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:27:57 PM)

I have done it that way in the past in vanilla relationships and it was never an issue. But, most of that was in very small towns where even if I didn't know the person someone else did and I could ask around about them. I live in a decent sized city with a much bigger area to search through within reasonable distance than I ever have before. I have always lived in small towns or even very small towns in the past up until I moved here with my sister. I did not take it as snark at all... When we first started talking last month I told him up front that if/when I went to his place that I would want to give my sister the address or general area of where he lives and he said okay I understand that you are cautious. When it came down to actually doing he changed his mind and decided that it didn't make sense for him to give it to me since he promised he would bring me back and that is all that should matter. I then told him that I guessed he wasn't picking me up then and he went offline and cut off contact.



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:29:54 PM)

Thank you for your reply. I will be doing this from now on. I have never thought it was an issue before but I see that I need to change my thinking on it since I live in a much bigger town/area than I have for most of my life.



DomMeinCT -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:35:43 PM)

Just the fact that he's gone offline with no other contact would speak volumes for me.

As others have said, giving out your address and being willing to get into a strangers car - no matter what he promised to bring you home - are risky activities (even if it's worked for you in the past).

There are many other more responsible guys out there who would be more than amenable to do this safely for you both.



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:39:40 PM)

Thank you for your reply. I realize now that just because something has worked in the past, that circumstances are different now and I need to change with them. My sis has stated that she will have no problem dropping me off at a coffee house, restaurant, etc in the future and then picking me up when needed. If she is unavailable then I will just take a bus.



DaddySatyr -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 8:59:09 PM)

He knows you well enough to bring you back to his place but not well enough to trust you with his address? Is it just me or does this not add up?

When I was dating, I played my address very close to the vest but, that also means that a lady didn't see my house until I had some level of comfortability and familiarity.

I'm sorry but based upon my first sentence, something isn't right here and I think this may be one for you to throw back.



Peace and comfort,



Michael



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 9:05:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

He knows you well enough to bring you back to his place but not well enough to trust you with his address? Is it just me or does this not add up?

When I was dating, I played my address very close to the vest but, that also means that a lady didn't see my house until I had some level of comfortability and familiarity.

I'm sorry but based upon my first sentence, something isn't right here and I think this may be one for you to throw back.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

Thank you for your reply. I agree completely that if he knows me well enough to want me to come to his place then he should know me well enough to give me the address. I have thrown him back and will keep looking for the right one for me. I will make sure I meet them out in public for a first date and not give them my address until we know each other much better in real life first.



littlewonder -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 9:56:24 PM)

If he was picking you up then your safety was already compromised! So what was the reason for asking for his address? I mean, really. Think about it dear.

When you go to a bar and meet a man and you end up back at his place, do you say to him "can I have your address so I can tell my friends where you live just in case?"

Maybe it's just me but I never have. I just would go off with him, fuck and then catch a taxi home after. Pretty simple. Why do people somehow think bdsm pick ups are different from other pick ups?



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 10:05:27 PM)

I agree. Be careful, most people are ok. Some aren't and the problem is it is hard to tell sometimes. It is always best to not go home with someone you don't know and defiantly not when no one knows where you are.



SweetAngel43211 -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 10:16:10 PM)

I have never gone out to a bar and then gone home with someone before. But, if I did I would text my sis and let her know where I was if I had to read it off the front door. I guess that is just me though... Thank you for your reply. I realize now that my safety was already compromised and I can see your point of view on it. I won't be doing it again.



TNDommeK -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 11:19:08 PM)

Fast reply


I wouldn't give my address to some one either. I would however make sure they had a safe call or whatever made then feel better. Of course, the person I have coming to my one, I assure you, I've met and gotten to know. I'm funny about giving my address out. Call me crazy.



RemoteUser -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/4/2013 11:37:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

Call me crazy.


Ok, crazy. (What? You asked. You don't look much like him though.)

It's really up to your level of comfort, OP. It never hurts to ask advice, but do what you think best.

I personally have never had an issue with giving out my number or address when it's pertinent, but then, I'm the Dom. I'm not putting myself at potential risk. I know the arguments about personal safety, and I've discovered that it's not important for me because I have nothing to hide or worry about. If someone tried to out me, they'd discover that anyone who knows me wouldn't be surprised. I also trust my instincts when it comes to whether or not the person I share information with is a nutjob.

That's me, my reasoning and my level of comfort. Find yours and go with it, whether it's what you share, or what you ask for.

Be safe, and have fun.




TNDommeK -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/5/2013 12:32:51 AM)

:)



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/5/2013 3:17:21 AM)

Over and over when giving relationship advice, especially potential relationship or in the getting to know stage, I stress the important of a reciprocal level of commitment.

Reciprocal means equal on both sides. Pushy doms like to guess what? Push that and have all the power on their side. In the early stages, that's inappropriate and I view it as a red flag. He should be ensuring your trust and security, not pushing those windows.

I VERY MUCH agree with DomMein, that he went offline after that is a huge reg flag. He got thwarted, and instead of working it out, he ran off.

If you trust him enough to pick you up (and you shouldn't, you've never met him), then he will know where you live. What shouldn't you know where he lives? This is a reciprocal level of knowledge and trust.

Meet potentials in a neutral place, and have a safe call set up. Tell him you are doing this. The good ones will encourage it.

Now, if there is great chemistry, you might go from that neutral place to some other more intimate place. But go with your gut on this one. If it feels wrong, don't think with your pussy, leave.

Best of luck, CP



DarkSteven -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/5/2013 3:45:23 AM)

I agree with what everyone else has said. However, I'd like to explain "safe calls". A safe call is when a man has provided a woman with his full name (and sometimes address) prior to meeting for the first time. When they meet, she verifies his personal info from his driver's license. At that point, she makes a safe call to someone she has previously shared his personal info with. If her call recipient does not get that call, he or she promptly calls the cops with that personal info.

I have given my info to women I was meeting for the first time. It's a bit of overkill, but I want them feeling safe. Nowadays, I prefer to simply meet for the first time at a club or munch, where she can meet me surrounded by other kinksters who make things safe.

Just curious - did he ever give you a reason for the refusal? I wonder if he was married and his wife was out for the evening, thus the pushiness about getting you at his place right then. And why the emphasis on taking you back to his place - do you live alone, or have roommates?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Was it too much to ask?! (7/5/2013 4:08:23 AM)

That is not my definition of a safe call. I would never give out my full name before I met someone, it's just too easy to find out my address and phone number.

So I can't recommend that at all; stalkers are known to exist.

My safe calls have been simply a call to a close friend with yes, they are here, no, they don't look like a stalker or an axe murderer, and yes, I will call back in an hour.

I keep a safe call going until I feel very comfortable with someone. If I don't reach that level of comfort in the first neutral date, there is not a second date.

Generally, that second safe call is unnecessary, b/c I feel comfy now. But I let them hear me make it.






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