RE: Was it too much to ask?!

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/6/2013 8:35:56 AM

SweetAngel43211

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Thanks :-). I always try to be calm and respectful when at all possible.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/6/2013 7:29:38 PM

ResidentSadist

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Thank you for sharing your story. Glad to read on the forums about how you avoided that instead of reading your story with a bad ending in the paper.

It doesn't matter if he really is a good guy or not. What matters is the presumption of safety and as a rule of thumb, mutual and equal exposure is always a good one. Can't have a safe call if no one knows where you are.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/6/2013 7:37:11 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
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From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

The way I see it is this dude had a severe lack of respect for your comfort level. And if someone disrespects my comfort level, can I expect them to respect other things that I hold dear...like limits, boundaries, and perhaps even my very life?

I personally think you did the right thing. Was it too much to ask? No, it wasn't. His hesitation and secrecy are very sketchy and suspect. Not someone who inspires trustworthiness at all. Just my $0.02

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/6/2013 11:03:36 PM

SWDesertDom

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My address is in the phone book (last I checked most people I know are), I don't see what being all coy with it would accomplish, other than to make me look like I have something to hide.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/7/2013 12:20:56 AM

SomethingCatchy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAngel43211

I posted this right after it happened. I have thanked everyone for their advice and will be using my common sense more. Thank you for your reply.

You've repeated yourself constantly for the last 2 days. You're old enough to see the pattern here. If that's attitude, then perhaps it'd do everyone some good to have that asshole friend who says 'Really dude? Are you fucking serious?' hang around them more often. I humbly apply to step in if your asshole friend is too busy being an asshole to someone else. I need more practice.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/7/2013 10:25:30 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

Why do people somehow think bdsm pick ups are different from other pick ups?

Because of the Bondage and Sadism aspects.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/7/2013 10:32:50 AM

TallullahHk

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That's making the assumption that they even have vanilla dating experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Why do people somehow think bdsm pick ups are different from other pick ups?

Because of the Bondage and Sadism aspects.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/7/2013 10:36:25 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

~FRing it~

The way I see it is this dude had a severe lack of respect for your comfort level. And if someone disrespects my comfort level, can I expect them to respect other things that I hold dear...like limits, boundaries, and perhaps even my very life?

Pretty much my view too. I feel the same way if I found out someone has lied about age, weight, height, etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SWDesertDom

My address is in the phone book (last I checked most people I know are), I don't see what being all coy with it would accomplish, other than to make me look like I have something to hide.

I know maybe a handful of people that have their address in the phone book. I haven't had mine in the phone book since I lived in my parent's house.

Which leads to another comment, before I met someone they didn't have my full name, so even if my address was in the phone book, they wouldn't have been able to find it.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/7/2013 2:34:34 PM

CelticPrince

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAngel43211

I was supposed to be going on a date tomorrow. But, when he mentioned maybe ending up at his place at some point I asked him for his address so that I could give it to my sister for safety purposes. He refused to do so stating that he doesn't give his address to strangers... I then asked if he would even give me a street close to his place I could get to and give to her if I needed to leave for whatever reason and have her come get me. I told him that I didn't see that happening, but that while I always hope for the best I always plan for the worst. He said it made no sense because he had already told me that he would pick me up and bring me home... I didn't feel comfortable with that answer so I told him that he wouldn't be picking me up then. He didn't answer back and promptly went offline. My question is was it too much to ask for his address or even a street name close to him for safety and peace of mind purposes?

SA,

In brief you did good!

CP

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/7/2013 9:14:03 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Why do people somehow think bdsm pick ups are different from other pick ups?

Because of the Bondage and Sadism aspects.

I guess that's why I don't understand the whole difference between bdsm and vanilla. I have done stuff like this even with men I met at a bar and was drunk and with guys I met on "vanilla" sites and my husband who I married right out of high school. Very few of them had ever heard of bdsm.

I mean, you can meet some guy in a bar and have the same things happen to you. Bdsm, bondage, whatever, doesn't matter.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/8/2013 10:57:55 AM

AWingedGuardian

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAngel43211

I was supposed to be going on a date tomorrow. But, when he mentioned maybe ending up at his place at some point I asked him for his address so that I could give it to my sister for safety purposes. He refused to do so stating that he doesn't give his address to strangers... I then asked if he would even give me a street close to his place I could get to and give to her if I needed to leave for whatever reason and have her come get me. I told him that I didn't see that happening, but that while I always hope for the best I always plan for the worst. He said it made no sense because he had already told me that he would pick me up and bring me home... I didn't feel comfortable with that answer so I told him that he wouldn't be picking me up then. He didn't answer back and promptly went offline. My question is was it too much to ask for his address or even a street name close to him for safety and peace of mind purposes?

I can see how in a fashion you might feel the need to allow him to pick you up, control where you go, what you do, where you end up. Some simply have that "need to serve" in a stronger sense than others. However those "others" also likely have either had a bad experience or are just as skeptical as I am. I will echo some of the thoughts here in that I am glad to hear you denied him the opportunity, as opposed to hearing about you being some bad story on the news.

Your comfort level is of the utmost importance. As anyone claiming to be a Dom should know, it isn't necessarily about coercing you to do what he wants you to do, so much as taking everything at your pace on the first time around. Especially if you feel that play might be involved. I'll not pass judgements for returning to his place on the first date, because I myself have had that occur, but with good-hearted intentions, open communication, and an establishment of trust or comfort first off. Much of that was the fact that I wasn't the one driving them around, which I have no problem with. Down the road if everything keeps going well, then I might make that call and do the driving, however a mutual respect should be in place from the first time meeting. Don't be so eager to jump into the submissive role. If he is demanding everything of you from day one? That doesn't make you a "bad sub", which I have noticed you were afraid of being. Your safety is key, as well a mutual compliance with one another. Some of the play in this community can get rather dangerous, especially if handled incorrectly. Just because you might be a submissive online, doesn't mean you shouldn't be treated as a regular person when you first meet. There is now power play dynamic in place at that point, and for him to expect one is bothersome.

Red Flags indeed. I am glad we're hearing the positive outcome of this. Drop him. There are plenty of others out there, and you are young enough to have the energy to find them.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/8/2013 12:31:46 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Why do people somehow think bdsm pick ups are different from other pick ups?

Because of the Bondage and Sadism aspects.

I guess that's why I don't understand the whole difference between bdsm and vanilla. I have done stuff like this even with men I met at a bar and was drunk and with guys I met on "vanilla" sites and my husband who I married right out of high school. Very few of them had ever heard of bdsm.

I mean, you can meet some guy in a bar and have the same things happen to you. Bdsm, bondage, whatever, doesn't matter.

None of my bar pickups ever came equipped with bondage and torture gear.

/sobs/

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/8/2013 8:23:53 PM

littlewonder

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haha...when you're drunk and on the dance floor and grinding against each other and he grabs your hair to push you in harder or holds your hands behind your back as he pushes into your pelvis or has that hard grab and hold...yeah, doesn't take much to know this guy just might not be a lousy lover.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/8/2013 8:27:07 PM

sexyred1

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And it also does not mean is a good lover.

Some people have a great start, and bad finish.

It happens.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/11/2013 11:20:59 PM

ForgetToRemember

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SweetAngel, I would recommend that you never give out your home address to someone you don't know. If you want to be picked up by them, pick an area nearby that you will wait for them at and give them that address, for example outside of a local store or something along those lines. Also, you have to worry about them giving you a fake address or phone number (a hard to trace phone).

Basically it really does come down to trust, but you can ask them their address and then when you are picked up, pay attention to where you are going. Look up the googlemaps route that he should take (or could take) to get to his address that he gave you. You can notice instantly if he is obviously taking you the opposite direction, in which case you should text someone you know and tell them you may need help in x minutes (the googlemaps estimated time to drive). Once he parks the car, make sure that the address is the same location that he gave you. If it isn't, call 911 (preferably discretely if you can and ask him why we are in a different location...stall him, make him try to convince you he is safe etc). Ask him to take you home. If he says no, run for the nearest person or house or business. Also, you can carry some protection such as a gun, knife, pepper spray, tazer etc. Well that's all I can think of for protecting yourself. Best of Luck!

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/12/2013 7:58:20 AM

jola37

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To the OP, you owe it to yourself to stay safe when meeting people. Meet a public place as everyone has said and if you do click with someone, still don't go back on that day. If it is the right person, imagine the excitement of waiting another week to see them !

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/15/2013 10:38:18 AM

DominantHippie

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I prefer to meet in a public setting at first get to know and get comfortable with each other. Def should have a friend waiting to hear from you via phone call or text you should understand in this day and age all the potential dangers

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/16/2013 3:48:34 AM

sunshinemiss

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You live near Cleveland. Get to a munch. Meet real people.

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RE: Was it too much to ask?! - 7/16/2013 8:02:07 AM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

Why do people somehow think bdsm pick ups are different from other pick ups?

Because of the Bondage and Sadism aspects.

I guess that's why I don't understand the whole difference between bdsm and vanilla. I have done stuff like this even with men I met at a bar and was drunk and with guys I met on "vanilla" sites and my husband who I married right out of high school. Very few of them had ever heard of bdsm.

I mean, you can meet some guy in a bar and have the same things happen to you. Bdsm, bondage, whatever, doesn't matter.

None of my bar pickups ever came equipped with bondage and torture gear.

/sobs/

Someone obviously needs to loiter in a much finer,or perhaps far lesser,brand of bar.
Met a gal named Cigarette once in a Techno bar in Seattle,she'd once owned a dungeon in LA and been a pro sub. Took her home.She went to her room to change.When I joined her,she was naked on the bed,ass high, dildoes in both holes and she said,"Do anything you want."

Yeah,that was a great night

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