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I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:24:13 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
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I've become so jaded this last year and a half. I realized how bad it's become when I see my responses to threads.
I was always one of those 100% positive people. I was always happy.
How do I get that back?
How do I get to the point where I can believe what a man tells me?
How do I get to the point where I even want to meet a man?
I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being sad.
I've tried all of the basics to move on, but I still find myself stuck in my own personal hell.
I'm moving in a few months so hopefully that will help.... a new place with no ties to old memories.

I'm just tired of the person I've become. I don't like her at all.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:33:58 AM

tammystarm

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And ALL that is perfectly normal. It sucks but it is what it is. Take time for YOU, be great to YOU. The moving may help a lot, a fresh mindset and start. The best part of my single life was after the point your at now. What I thought was giving up on ever finding the right guy, and forever being alone turned out to be awesome! Went ack to school for a career I loved, had more LIFE to me then when I was searching for the right person.
He DID eventually come along, but only after I was completely content with just being single me.
Chin up!!! And, like I said, just enjoy yourself and spoil YOU!!

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:39:50 AM

KMsAngel

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time. heals most wounds. men-inflicted ones especially (well, from our side of the gender divide).

as you 'hate' less, you love who you've become more. love begets love. hell moves into the basement, occasionally burping up a sulferous memory or two. i've moved to 3 different states since my divorce. it creates distance to allow time to do it's duty. memories, sadly, move with you everywhere.

this too shall pass.

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flightless cherub

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:50:04 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
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I don't hate.
My problem and why I'm still stuck is that I still love and miss one person.
I can't find my way to indifference when it comes to him.

I'm used to being single at this point. I've discovered that I really don't like being single.
I'm much more comfortable being in a relationship and yet I find ways to quickly find faults with anyone that approaches me.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:54:06 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

And my biggest fear is that I'll move and find out that I still wake up every morning hoping that he'll walk back into my life.
And then I don't know what I'll do.

I have it in my head that I need to move in order to get past. I have it in my head that it will be the only thing that will work.
But what if it doesn't work.

< Message edited by petitespot -- 7/7/2013 4:55:49 AM >

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:54:47 AM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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FR~

I think far too many are happy to wallow in their own crapulance and live in the past.
Too much of glass-half-empty rather than glass-half-full.

You aren't likely to 'forget' the bad bits but you can sure put them behind you and look forwards rather than backwards.
As Angel said, time will heal - you just need to look ahead and give it a chance.

Just my

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 4:59:44 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

I find no satisfaction in wallowing. It drains my energy.
I have never been like that. I was always happy and positive.

I'm trying to get back to that point. I really am.
Having my house on the market and all boxed up and packed has brought a lot of these feelings back up to the surface.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:01:49 AM

tammystarm

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Joined: 7/26/2006
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Then move on and forget him. Trust me on this one. Make yourself happy, and ever look back.

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~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:13:47 AM

KMsAngel

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Joined: 4/13/2007
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well, i didn't know what you felt, hence 'hate' being in quotes.

it took me years to finally let go. my circumstances were infidelity on his part, yours are undoubtedly different and unique. to break myself of longing for him, i had to keep repeating to myself that i didn't like him because of how he handled his infidelity (lying), and if i didn't like him for that, then i couldn't respect him. and i couldn't love a man i didn't respect.

now, i pity him. i occasionally remember good years - hearing certain songs are particularly difficult initially, mellow with time. i would never take him back, i've changed too much, and i would never trust him again.

this stood out "And my biggest fear is that I'll move and find out that I still wake up every morning hoping that he'll walk back into my life." this will hold you back if you continue to cling to it.

do you still want him back? you love and miss him, but do you want him back. are you holding out in case he'll want you back?

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flightless cherub

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:22:45 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

I would go back to him in a heartbeat, but I'm realistic to know that he will never come back.

The move will put me in a neutral place so that I'm not constantly reminded of the countless amazing things we did together.
I'm praying that it will be what gets him out of my mind finally so that I can move on.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:28:00 AM

MissBlueangel

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Joined: 6/28/2012
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Then my heart truly bleeds for you.
I went back....people say never too.....but in an imperfect world....its been pretty fine

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Its only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure.
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Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would chose pain
The Wild Palms by William Faulkner

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:30:29 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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This is going to seem like a very intrusive question, b/c it is. Do you still fantasize about him? In a sexual bring me to orgasm kind of way?

I strongly suspect you do. Stop that. It's hard I know, but you have to stop that or you will never get over him.

I don't know you well enough to suggest what you should put in his place. I *do* know as long as you continue to think about him in this way, your heart will never be open to another.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:35:30 AM

KMsAngel

Posts: 17415
Joined: 4/13/2007
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(not able to find an emoticon that means i'm saying this with utmost sincerity, not snarkiness)

good luck with your move. it will certainly keep you distracted during the day - and for the sake of your hurting heart, don't listen to the music you made memories with for a while. especially at night.

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flightless cherub

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:36:54 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

The funny thing is....none of my memories are ever about sex.
That would be easier to box up and put away.
I still think about all of the fun things we did.
I don't masturbate to him.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:38:42 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

I've become so jaded this last year and a half. I realized how bad it's become when I see my responses to threads.
I was always one of those 100% positive people. I was always happy.
How do I get that back?
How do I get to the point where I can believe what a man tells me?
How do I get to the point where I even want to meet a man?
I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being sad.
I've tried all of the basics to move on, but I still find myself stuck in my own personal hell.
I'm moving in a few months so hopefully that will help.... a new place with no ties to old memories.

I'm just tired of the person I've become. I don't like her at all.

1-You are an awesome person, one of my all time favorite posters. It hurts to see you hurting so.
2-I hate to say this, but time takes time. Nothing else takes the pain away. And yeah, sometimes, it's a lengthy period (For me it's pretty much a straightforward equation-the more I love her, the more I care, the longer and deeper I'm hurt.
For me it goes something like like this-I hurt. Then I hurt some more. Then, for a change of pace, I hurt. I think about her. Like 1t trillion times a day. I rehash shit in my head. I retrace the steps of the relationship. I look for where I/we went wrong. WTF happened. I scrutinize. I analyze. I evaluate. i impale myself with the knife of my failures only about ten times a breath.
And it don't fade. Just goes on and on and round and round and the more I think about it, the more I wanna be rid of it, but the more I wanna be rid of it, the more I think about it...

Which remains a constant, until one day, maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years later, I wake up and something has shifted and I'm not an animal in 100% pain, but rather a mere 99.999999% pain.
Which is only everything.
And then the pain slowly begins to fade and healing can commence commencing.
But it's a looooooooong process.

The trust will come again, as will the desire. Most likely, it won't be a time thing but rather a "he" thing-you'll meet that one guy who'll stir all those great feelings again, wake up something you thought gone.

A final thought. Going through that much pain-it alters a person, transforms them on an internal level. You'll walk out on the other side a drastically different person that the one who walked in the relationship.
Be genuinely excited to meet the person that you're gonna be/in the cocoon and becoming-I suspect that gal, yeah, she's gonna be one helluva an amazing lady.

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HST

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:47:27 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

#2 is pretty much me in a nutshell.
Thank you for writing this.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:54:21 AM

jlf1961

Posts: 14840
Joined: 6/10/2008
From: Somewhere Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

I've become so jaded this last year and a half. I realized how bad it's become when I see my responses to threads.
I was always one of those 100% positive people. I was always happy.
How do I get that back? Forget it, welcome to the real world
How do I get to the point where I can believe what a man tells me? Its not just men, women do it to, and I sometimes think they are better at the bullshit game than men are.
How do I get to the point where I even want to meet a man? I get a message from an "interested" woman, I tell her to read my profile, adding that I am on disability as an income, the only way I can afford my mortgage is to buy the house in partnership with my sister, and I dont send money to anyone period.
I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being sad. You get used to the alone part, as for the sad, it changes to resigned.

I've tried all of the basics to move on, but I still find myself stuck in my own personal hell. That is a personal choice, sorry.
I'm moving in a few months so hopefully that will help.... a new place with no ties to old memories. As long as you take you with you, there will be ties to old memories.

I'm just tired of the person I've become. I don't like her at all.

Yes I am a cynic, but an optimistic one, I am positive that the majority of people want to screw everyone else over. Best advice I can give is get a large dog, if the dog does not like someone, kick em to the curb.

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Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?

You cannot control who comes into your life, but you can control which airlock you throw them out of.

Paranoid Paramilitary Gun Loving Conspiracy Theorist AND EQUAL OPPORTUNI

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 5:58:12 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

That doesn't help. My dog loved him.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 6:03:33 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I can empathize with your position in a personal way. The only thing that helped me get over wanting him back and mourning his loss was being hit by the sledgehammer of a realization after the breakup that he was a narcissist. I know that sounds pretty self serving on my part. I hate even admitting it publicly that I was so stupid. Ugh, God, I'm utterly disgusted with myself. Of course when you get a puzzle piece that explains just about everything, all of the realizations come rushing in to confirm the truth you stumbled upon - for me I was gutted that i ever fell so hard for that. Still am.

Once I realized that at the base of a relationship that I treasured was a big gaping black hole of emptiness on his part, then I was able to move on. Because really what was there to hang on to when I saw that he didn't have an emotional life the same way I do? When I saw that he really didn't love me the same way and never could, then I was able to at least put aside the ache to have him back.

After all of this I still feel bitter and jaded and I don't like myself much. I try to overcompensate by remembering the woman I was, and who I liked quite well actually, and then pretending I'm her. I figure she'll come back someday and I'll finally feel at peace again. i miss that feeling of being at ease with the world. At least I've stopped feeling like I was pushed over a cliff by seeing that there isn't anything I can go back to that would be meaningful anymore.

All of that plus the fact that I'm moving on as well with a new career and probably a move. It's helped being really busy and forging new territory with places, people, and activities.

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RE: I've Lost my Optimism... - 7/7/2013 6:03:37 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

And I do realize how pathetic I am. A few years ago I would be rolling my eyes and thinking what an idiot if I read this from someone else.

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