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njlauren -> RE: I've Lost my Optimism... (7/7/2013 9:46:27 AM)
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PS-
You are in the grieving process, with all its various steps, and right now you are in the anger part I would guess. A relationship ending is hard, and the first tendency we have is to beat ourselves up over it, that if we had just done this, not that, it would have come together. I don't know what happened in your relationship and it isn't any of my business, but in most breakups there usually is some reasons on both sides, which doesn't mean in reality the fault lies with both equally, it rarely does, but rather, that it is a way to look at yourself and say "you know what, whatever things I might have done that didn't work in the relationship, the same applied to him as well". Questioning yourself is natural, especially someone who seems like a decent, kind and caring person, it is natural to take blame on yourself (on the other hand, a scumbag would feel no remorse at all in blaming the other person...how many cheating spouses blame the other partner for their cheating?)
Grieving takes time and you still are in the period where the past still looks better than the present or future, but it will pass. One of the biggest things is you have to stop beating yourself up for the way you feel, forgive yourself, few people, even the kid in the pile of horse dung he got on Christmas digging merrily cause there has to be a pony there someplace, would be chipper and happy and upbeat. You need to give yourself time to feel the pain, to allow it to happen, emotions are neither bad nor good, they are, and you have to accept that. You aren't bad person or weak or anything like that cause you are down and hurting, you are simply human:)
As people, we also have a tendency to look at the past and wonder what would have been, and even getting to the other end of grieving doesn't change that. I had to make a decision like that in my own life, with transition, and I still have regrets that it didn't go forward, but then I look at what happened by doing that, and while I still yearn, I also see the positives that happened because I chose that path. Someday in the future you will regain the 'old you', maybe different, maybe a little less optimistic, but still you, and you will find someone...it may not be the same as the relationship you had, it probably will be different, better in some ways, worse in others, and you might still for example rue the fact that your ex shared your enthusiasm for the Montevani orchestra and your new person runs screaming, but what you will do is look back, sigh, say there was a lot there, but look what I have now. It is what I do almost every day, to be honest, the regrets hit me every day being around women (in my mind other women) and not being able to be myself the way they can, to be part of their world, but I then also look at what came out of that decision and realize that wasn't all that bad either:).
One suggestion? I would seriously suggest finding a counselor or therapist, if you lived in the NYC area I woud have a great one to recommend, but I can tell you that having a therapist to work with can make such a difference, they can help you grieve, they can help you stop beating yourself up and more importantly, they can help you find what you want and need, and know it when it shows up:). You will probably do fine on your own, but having that kind of help is huge.
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