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New Dom - 7/21/2013 11:44:17 PM   
Jacobo2011


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/12/2013
Status: offline 		I am new to being a Dom and I have no idea how to act. I don't wanna degrade my sub, I wanna treat her like a human being, how am I supposed to act during sex?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New Dom - 7/21/2013 11:51:11 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		You are supposed to do things that turn both of you on. Talk to her, ask her what her fantasies are. I like humiliation, in the right setting, and one of my favorite embarrassing acts is to lie close to my Master, hiding my face in his chest, as I tell him a sexual fantasy because he ordered me to. Some fantasies, of course, can't be played out, but even those give you clues to what she likes. Listen to her fantasy, take individual elements from it and figure out a way to make that element happen, and ask her, 'how would you feel if we did this?' Take your time. Eventually you'll ask her less questions, but questions are always good. She may tell you she wants you to just take control, not as so many questions. During play is the time for that - during cuddling, during sharing fantasies, during after care, ask lots of questions. And while you're at it, ask yourself questions too, it's also important to figure out what you like.

No two people are alike. There is no act of play so simple or basic that everyone likes it, no act too simple to be someone's limit. I love to kneel but arthritis in my knees makes it not possible. Don't be surprised if you find some limits neither of you knew about until you tried the activity. Be open and flexible. Good luck

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 12:10:58 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jacobo2011

I am new to being a Dom and I have no idea how to act. I don't wanna degrade my sub, I wanna treat her like a human being, how am I supposed to act during sex?


You treat her like a human being. Being the dom means you get to decide. If your idea of a good time/ a good relationship is snuggles and tickles, that's every bit as valid as someone who wants to call their partner 'cunt face' and make her eat dog food. Obviously, the trick is finding someone who has tastes roughly matching your own.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you must do or say certain things to be a dom. If you are the one taking the lead and she is submitting to it, you're the dom. Beyond that it's two people figuring out what makes the most happiness. Just experiment. See what turns you both on. Forget about 'supposed to'. Sex should be fun. Relationships should be fulfilling. That's all.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 12:12:40 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Firstly, you should itch your chin before you take a photo.
Secondly, what does the idea of being a Dom entail for you?

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 7/22/2013 12:17:07 AM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 4:05:01 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hi, Jacobo. Welcome to the forums.

Forget about what porn clips show, or what others say you "have to do". As the people above say, a Dom controls in the way he feels best for himself and his sub.

You live in Colorado Springs. Celebration of Power is the game in town, and the Voodoo Gallery (https://fetlife.com/users/2176094) has a very nice play space. Note that they have TNG nights there (for people 18-25) - I'd check that out especially if I were you. (Note - before going anywhere, you should check ahead and verify that they accept under-21s.)

I hope to see you around.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 4:26:30 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		What Athena said. One thing that always gives away a "fantasy" Dom is that he tries to BE a stereotype. Rather than saying "this is me, this is what I like and expect. " he just runs around being a dick (treating people like he is better than them, insulting...) or he expects the sub to tell him what to do...

So, you want to be a good Dom. Decide what you like and want. Set standards and recognize that, if you don't embody those standards, you will not find a sub that will. Own what you are and the consequences. If you want a sub that lives in a cage 24/7, that is your preference (& no debate on the reality, the likelihood of finding...) but once you find a slave that agrees to that, does that...you need to be responsible for the consequences.., I.e,--financial- that person is not supporting herself if she can't leave the house so you must. YOU are the one that must see the pitfalls, make the contingency plans, prepare for the worst.

I hate to use this analogy...but look at it like someone who buys a pet. As the owner..you decide how it lives, where, what it is allowed to do. If you get bored and decide not to be bothered taking it out and the dog ruins the carpet...it is NOT the Doug's fault...he is doing what YOU trained him for or have allowed.

There is no "right" or "wrong". If you want a sub that sings "Hail To The Chief", in perfect pitch, whenever you walk into a room...nobody will care. Don't whine if you can't find that but have a plan on HOw to teach a sub to do it. Think through the consequences...it is not the sub's fault if you walk into a room on a business call and she starts singing at the top of her lungs & disturbs you.. Don't punish the sub when you get sick to death of hearing it and no longer find it fun. Make contingency for when the sub cannot, in reality, complete the task--if she has laryngitis are you going to expect her to do a sign language version?

See..you can BE any type of Dom you want as long as YOU accept the responsibilities and consequences of that decision!

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 5:52:32 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		First, good on you for realizing you have much to learn, and being willing to ask questions.

There's a book list floating around. Look for the sig line in Resident Sadist's posts.

And re-read everything Athena and Tieme posted until you can assimilate what has been said.

A sub female does not find the male dom taking charge during sex to be degrading in the least. In fact, they like it.

If you are not into humiliation, degradation, or debasement, then look for someone who doesn't need those things. Although realize as you mature, your needs may change.

Welcome to the discussion side. There's lots of info here.



_____________________________



(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 8:06:29 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		There's already a lot of good advice that's been given to you. I'll just add a couple things. If you don't already know how to do it yet, learn to actively listen to what your partner has to say. Be yourself, be honest, and if you run into something you're not sure of, don't just try to wing it to save face.

I was fortunate when I chose to be a Dom to have been in the direct company of what one would call experienced subs. They let me know in crystal-clear terms what they expected of me. Pay attention to things like this, it can save you a lot of grief later. Another thing that will help immensely is to physically experience the scene. Resources like this are good, but there's no substitute for putting your boots on the ground and seeing how others interact in real-time.

This is going to repeated ad infinitum, but find out where the local players go and meet. Go there and make yourself visible in a positive way, even if it is as a wallflower at first. Find a munch, pay your dues, attend play parties and seminars. You're in a location where there's a lot of active groups. Stand back, watch, listen, learn. Especially learn to identify the body language of your desired partners, because you may end up meeting them in unexpected places (one partner I met while in line at a grocery store).

Above all else, be patient. This doesn't happen overnight. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 9:14:42 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jacobo2011
I am new to being a Dom and I have no idea how to act. I don't wanna degrade my sub, I wanna treat her like a human being, how am I supposed to act during sex?

As others have noted, the good thing about being "dominant" is you do what YOU think is right not what everyone else thinks. So if you don't want to degrade your sub then don't. Of course that means you also should avoid subs that need degradation as a part of their dynamic. Insofar as treating her like a human being... uh... I'm assuming this is a human sub you're discussing so how else were you going to treat her?

Look, these relationships come in all stripes, shapes and sizes. Carol and I are just two married people where I happen to be the boss... there's no degradation or inhumanity or even lightweight spanking. I don't own black leather slacks or mechanic boots. I don't even think I own a black t-shirt. Clearly I'm not doing it right. But whatever I'm doing works well for Carol and I and that is really all that matters.

Find yourself some sub girl. Make up some wicked things to do to her in the bedroom (since I gather that's where your head is at). Do some discussion with her in a general sense up front to make sure she's going to like (or at least not freak) at your list o' wicked things. Once you're good to go then go... pay attention to feedback.

The goal is to make this fun for both of you. Leave the whole "Me Tarzan You Jane" thing in the porn comics where it belongs.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 9:17:33 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

You are supposed to do things that turn both of you on. Talk to her, ask her what her fantasies are. I like humiliation, in the right setting, and one of my favorite embarrassing acts is to lie close to my Master, hiding my face in his chest, as I tell him a sexual fantasy because he ordered me to. Some fantasies, of course, can't be played out, but even those give you clues to what she likes. Listen to her fantasy, take individual elements from it and figure out a way to make that element happen, and ask her, 'how would you feel if we did this?' Take your time. Eventually you'll ask her less questions, but questions are always good. She may tell you she wants you to just take control, not as so many questions. During play is the time for that - during cuddling, during sharing fantasies, during after care, ask lots of questions. And while you're at it, ask yourself questions too, it's also important to figure out what you like.




Submissive by the very nature of the word implies that they will submit to what the dom enjoys. The submissive's desires are secondary.

Determine how you want her to submit to you. Take it slow and you will over time figure out what works and what doesn't. What works for someone else prolly won't work in your situation.

Just because you added dom to your title does not change you or the relationship in any material way.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 9:27:37 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

OP, figure out what makes you dominant and explore what interests you. Be sure of yourself and then you find a submissive who is in the same general area as far as BDSM and/or D/s-M/s philosophy goes. You don't want to be something you aren't, so don't worry so much about how you are "supposed" to act. Be you, be natural. Don't try to live up to the porn-fueled standard of what a dominant is "supposed" to be.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 3:47:00 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jacobo2011

I am new to being a Dom and I have no idea how to act. I don't wanna degrade my sub, I wanna treat her like a human being, how am I supposed to act during sex?


To me, this is kinda like going from pre-school to university - skipping all in between.

I like the healthy attitude towards a potential sub partner but otherwise, the very questions you ask say that you're just not ready for this, yet.

They don't teach the "3 r's" at university....

It's irresponsible and naive to try and lead when you don't know where you're going or why. You're missing basic life skills - you need them to progress.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New Dom - 7/22/2013 6:38:27 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'm really tempted to make some snide comment, but I'll withhold.
Maybe I'm maturing.
Serious business here. Best advice I ever got about how to be a dom came from a dog trainer of all people.

Three rules.
1-Be firm but always be consistent.
2-Be fair, but never let them forget who is in charge.
3-Never miss an opportunity to reward good behavior.


ETA-Maybe most important, as has been mentioned above-be yourself. That's who she'll fall for, that's who she'll submit to.

< Message edited by Kana -- 7/22/2013 6:39:33 PM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New Dom - 7/23/2013 1:24:45 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Submissive by the very nature of the word implies that they will submit to what the dom enjoys. The submissive's desires are secondary.


Horse hockey! I've said before and I'm sure I'll say it again (and again and again and again). Any dymanic which doesn't fulfill the needs and desires of both (or all) the people involved in it will ultimately fulfill those of none of them.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New Dom - 7/23/2013 2:47:32 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Ditto.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New Dom - 7/23/2013 4:06:52 PM   
Rasciallymisty


Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		Thanks for saying that because I was going to......so ditto also

_____________________________

~misty~

Been here since 2004

Fear has two meanings: "Forget Everything And Run" or "Face Everything And Rise." The choice is yours!!!!!

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New Dom - 7/23/2013 9:01:43 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I am new to being a Dom and I have no idea how to act.


Oy.

(in reply to Jacobo2011)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New Dom - 7/24/2013 2:10:02 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

quote:

Submissive by the very nature of the word implies that they will submit to what the dom enjoys. The submissive's desires are secondary.


Horse hockey! I've said before and I'm sure I'll say it again (and again and again and again). Any dymanic which doesn't fulfill the needs and desires of both (or all) the people involved in it will ultimately fulfill those of none of them.


Whatever Dude. I guess you don't understand what "submissive" means. Try looking it up in any dictionary.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New Dom - 7/24/2013 4:23:22 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum


quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

quote:

Submissive by the very nature of the word implies that they will submit to what the dom enjoys. The submissive's desires are secondary.


Horse hockey! I've said before and I'm sure I'll say it again (and again and again and again). Any dymanic which doesn't fulfill the needs and desires of both (or all) the people involved in it will ultimately fulfill those of none of them.


Whatever Dude. I guess you don't understand what "submissive" means. Try looking it up in any dictionary.

BadOne



While it pleases me to submit to my Master and make him happy, if it didn't please him to make ME happy as well, this relationship wouldn't work long-term. Harry's right. At some point, the sub has to have their needs and desires fulfilled as well in order to have a successful and HEALTHY relationship.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New Dom - 7/24/2013 4:48:32 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir
While it pleases me to submit to my Master and make him happy, if it didn't please him to make ME happy as well, this relationship wouldn't work long-term. Harry's right. At some point, the sub has to have their needs and desires fulfilled as well in order to have a successful and HEALTHY relationship.


This is the truth. If I wasn't happy, I'd walk.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 20
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