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RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 1:09:53 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Of the last two men I dated one was old enough to be my father (a grandfather) and the other was deaf. Neither was gorgeous, both I was attracted to. The person before either of them was someone I hiked with on a regular basis,  and then he had an accident that caused him to be disabled and he had back surgery.. I remained with him for a year after that and I would have stayed longer, but his disability played with his head and he broke it off in a fog of depression... we are still friends.

No, I do not expect physical perfection in my mates. I want someone I can grow old with, someone I can love and will love me regardless of how infirm I get. I also want to be attracted to someone. The person in my life today, well his head will swell when he reads this, but women stare at him when I am in public with him. He is very good looking. I am attracted to his mind and his character... But it is a wonderful feeling to want to hump like rabbits too...smiles.

Im not looking right now, and I am hopeful I will not be looking ever again... If I were, yes I have preferences of what I enjoy about people. I want someone raised in a similar way to myself if I can find someone I connect to like this. I would like them to enjoy being active with me and appreciate the fact I am a physical and intellectual person. I also know this... what I want probably would fly out the window if the person that turned me on showed up (and I mean spiritual and emotional turned on, not only physical).

Personally I think of it like this.. we are where we need to be or we wouldnt be there. If we are searching there is a reason, if we arent there is a reason.. we just may not know it.. as far as LTRs go, well it isn't a business plan for a fact.. business plans are 1000 times easier  than trying to merge your life with another human being...just my opinion

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 1:10:01 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I think when a potential 'buyer' asks to see a photo, its partially to make sure the person they are speaking to is not repulsive to them.  Im not so sure its because they want to make sure a particular person is tall, blonde, short, blue-eyed, gorgeous, or whatever.  Most people,  men and women, are average looking.  So I dont think that most people are looking for a super model.

I have not come across any men that are *that* stringent about looks. (with the exception of men who want to make sure that the female isnt fat) 

I personally (and I think ive stated this on another thread at another time) am not hung up on looks.  But there has to be a lack of repulsion for me.  My attraction for a person grows based on the way I feel when I interact with them, regardless of whether or not they may be a bit overweight or balding or whatever.  There are certain physical dealbreakers for me (for example: toupees), that I cannot get past. But Ive been attracted to *all* different types of men based on how I felt when I was around them, and based on their character and a mutual chemistry.  

In my own experience, I havent been turned away based upon my looks or body, but  Ive actually been ruled out immediately, more than once, because I am a parent. (but thats another topic)

This is not to say that I cant understand people having certain preferences.  Ok so maybe neither party will look hot when theyre 65.   They are more likely to be overweight, or gray, or balding, or wrinkling etc.  But theres a difference between aging *together*,  and settling in the present for someone who doesnt concern themselves with their appearance.   For example...If you hook up with someone who's 75 lbs overweight and they are actually *proud* of their size, what size will they be in 20 years when the metabolism slows down and the body can't exercise like it used to?  

Its about a mindset.  Do you care about what you look like or dont you?   Some people take pride in their appearance and they are much better suited with a partner who takes pride in their appearance as well.  Doesn't seem that remarkable to me at all.

(in reply to darkinshadows)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 1:35:26 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		So wow! What you're saying is, we've become so brainwashed by the govenrment with its shortsightedness, that now we all live that way too. It's become the norm! Like now we joke about the "starter wife".

Boy is this some food for thought. Maybe your'e right. Maybe all this talk about how I look at the inside of the person, or how looks dont matter, is just in fact just talk any more. It could very well be we play lip service, while in actuality we jump into the first thing that comes our way.

We do sort of get the feeling we should answer the door when, "opportunity knocks" dont we? I can imagine that gets worse as we get older.  It might be easy to think opportunity has passed us by.  I'm not 100% sure I'd call this shallowness. Desperate times call for desperate measures seems more like it.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:11:43 PM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline 		I have been guilty of seeking a partner based on looks....in my 20's...it was all about the image....I only dated long haired lead guitar players...then wondered why my life was so shallow and unfullfilling....in my 30's...I started to understand that it was my lack of self esteem that drew me to them...I didn't have the confidence within me...I had to hide behind them for my self worth...I wasn't a bad person for doing this...just not healthy in who I was....
when a person dates solely on looks...I don't really care...if that is where there importance lays...
Now in my 40's....I look for the mind....the connection...the soul of a person....to me they could be the hottest man walking this earth...to another ugly as sin....and if he gives me butterflies...that's all that matters to me.....not if he fits the newest GQ staus quo.....

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:30:33 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Why then, seeking a long term relationship, should appearance be the primary, or disqualifying consideration? Better yet, if you are on the ‘wrong side’ of the issue, be grateful people are exposing themselves as being shallow from the get go before emotions come into play.


Shallow as it may seem, appearance is one of the key pillars of consideration for me in selecting a prospective servant. From my point of view, it makes little sense to acquire a human ill-suited to my standards, the visual among them. Considering long-term performance with one who falls short of your tastes is only good if the raw material in that person can be shaped and improved—both physically and mentally—to please you, if underneath the outer shell there is something worth digging for.

Having said that, sometimes ugliness of any given form persists, and there is scant hope of improving upon it. As Masters or Mistresses seeking slaves, why should we be expected to settle, even short term? It is certainly to be seen as a gift if we do, not an obligation of etiquette.

As souls seeking to serve and be owned, why should we not hold ourselves to a standard above the common bar? I feel all should stand before the reflection of mirror and mind in sober appraisal and ask, would I buy me?




< Message edited by amayos -- 6/28/2006 2:31:35 PM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:37:21 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sophia37

So wow! What you're saying is, we've become so brainwashed by the govenrment with its shortsightedness, that now we all live that way too. It's become the norm! Like now we joke about the "starter wife".

Boy is this some food for thought. Maybe your'e right. Maybe all this talk about how I look at the inside of the person, or how looks dont matter, is just in fact just talk any more. It could very well be we play lip service, while in actuality we jump into the first thing that comes our way.

We do sort of get the feeling we should answer the door when, "opportunity knocks" dont we? I can imagine that gets worse as we get older.  It might be easy to think opportunity has passed us by.  I'm not 100% sure I'd call this shallowness. Desperate times call for desperate measures seems more like it.



 I really enjoyed your post..lol.

I have this great image of * people of a certain age*  making some HUGE *crowd scene lunge* for anything remotely available.

Keeping the door ajar, doesn't mean we have to let *any-old-body* in.

Lightheartedly, agirl











(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:38:20 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well I can understand that. If somebody, for whaever reason, wants a natural blonde, 5'10", who weighs X pounds, they will never be happy with something else, so who is anyone kidding pretending it's "shallow"?  If that's what they want, it does mean they may have to look a little harder to find it, but if they are willing, then it's their time and effort involved. I guess I was being a little dishonest in another post when I said looks don't matter to me - if everything else I look for is equal (and most of it is pretty personality based) then looks will sway me. Who doesn't like hot?- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/28/2006 2:40:34 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:38:57 PM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Ha! My sister keeps telling my 16 year old nephew (he has started "dating"):
"Look for someone with a brain. Your love can always have plastic surgery. Beauty is fleeting - dumb is forever". Of course with his hormones in overdrive at this stage, he will probably ignore that advice (my guess). But I think it's good advice anyway.

- Susan


LOL, thank you, Susan!  I got a good hardy laugh out of that one!  Well said!    'Beauty is fleeting - dumb is forever'.  Classic.
 
zuma

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:43:38 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
Who doesn't like hot?



Indeed!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:44:08 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		It's the title of a book by the tv personality "Judge Judy" - my sister liked it, I guess.
She does have a point. But I am not that particular where looks are concerned. All things being equal I do guess I like expressive eyes, a nice smile and a deep voice (and someone who hugs well). But why am I talking about this? I am (supposedly) "not looking" right now. Love can be a healing emotion, though (God knows I am warding it off with both hands tied behind my back.  Someone on another thread asked "Does size matter"? My answer was: "I can't remember..." Maybe before I settle down I will maybe go through some wanton slut phase - and who would that help (besides me)? Not that that doesn't matter, but....(And yes, I am joking - sort of).

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/28/2006 2:50:42 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to zumala)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:47:50 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

Shallow as it may seem, appearance is one of the key pillars of consideration for me in selecting a prospective servant. From my point of view, it makes little sense to acquire a human ill-suited to my standards, the visual among them. Considering long-term performance with one who falls short of your tastes is only good if the raw material in that person can be shaped and improved—both physically and mentally—to please you, if underneath the outer shell there is something worth digging for.

Having said that, sometimes ugliness of any given form persists, and there is scant hope of improving upon it. As Masters or Mistresses seeking slaves, why should we be expected to settle, even short term? It is certainly to be seen as a gift if we do, not an obligation of etiquette.

As souls seeking to serve and be owned, why should we not hold ourselves to a standard above the common bar? I feel all should stand before the reflection of mirror and mind in sober appraisal and ask, would I buy me?



 Hello amayos,

It doesn't seem shallow .......All the senses come into play, surely.....the way someone moves, smells, feels, touches, looks, smiles, speaks, reacts and acts.....

I wouldn't *buy me* because I'm bloody hard work....lol

agirl

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 2:52:37 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, hot is good. All the time. Pretty people are nice to look at - you'll never see me complain about them. - Susan 

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 3:18:58 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		The French have a term 'jolie-laid' (I think I'm right) which literally translated means 'pretty ugly' but the true meaning is 'beautiful ugly' which is used to describe someone who is not classically beautiful but as an aura of beauty. It was used for the film actrice Beatrice Dalle who starred in Betty Blue and boy oh boy, if she is lowering ones standards then I'm prepared to lower my standards!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 3:52:45 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Wow! After a 3 hour lunch with my attorney I enjoyed coming back to read all the comments to this tread.

Some of the recent posts are addressing the issue of putting a priority on appearances being shallow. Taken as a single point, as quoted by amayos, I see how it can appear as a key point of the op. It's not. It was actually a counterpoint to those who have been at the receiving end of dismissal simply because their appearance wasn't up to the standards set by a person they contacted. Appearance is a legitimate criteria but put in the context of both parties indicating they seek a long term relationship it should not rank a disqualifying item above some others such as emotional, physical, and mental compatibility. I tried to make the point that if both parties represent a long term relationship as a goal, it is a given appearances of both will change. "Shallow" may not define a person putting looks #1 on the list; but it requires getting additional clarification if that person also has a long term relationship as a goal. They are not exclusive of each other but over time the definition of 'good looking' is transient.

As with any long term goal, decisions made regarding obtaining that goal need to "project out" what will happen over time.

(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 4:40:13 PM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		Great topic, Mercnbeth,

I get what you are saying, but wonder if it is considered pretentious if we post a more flattering picture(s) in our profiles or choose an image of beauty as an avatar for our nic in the forum? By doing so, are we not projecting ourselves to others based on our best pose?  I'm not saying everyone does this, but I know I am guilty of doing so, and I notice a lot of glamour shots in profiles, or beautiful bodies and/or faces used in avatars on the forums.  So if its not all about looks, and I agree it goes much deeper in connecting with another, then why do so many (including me) tend to pick that certain avatar or pick the better pictures for profile? Not saying everyone does this, but I notice more that do than don't.

Just curious,

Nina

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 4:54:43 PM   
Submotive


Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline 		Physical appearance has its place in my mind. It's not the most important and yes, i know, in the long term it's not what matters. (Take it from me, i'm 58 and He thinks i'm sexy *smiles*). However, i have never been one capable of even attempting to developing a relationship with someone i didn't find at least somewhat appealing.
 
It's kind of like i wouldn't want to drive around in a car that had a really horrible odor that can't be gotten rid of (saw that on Seinfield once). The odor has nothing to do with how well the car functions or how long it will last, but geesh, it can certainly make for an unenjoyable ride.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 5:09:48 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NINASHARP
I get what you are saying, but wonder if it is considered pretentious if we post a more flattering picture(s) in our profiles or choose an image of beauty as an avatar for our nic in the forum? By doing so, are we not projecting ourselves to others based on our best pose?  Just curious,Nina


Nina,
It's not pretentious - It's Marketing! And btw - you have some great pictures posted in your profile.

We are a species who rely most on visual stimuli. If we were canine we'd figure a way to post our best smell on our profile, not the smell we enjoy rolling around in the most. You won't find out that "favorite" smell until you spend some time with the person. Put the same value in a picture. It may peak interest, but realize that before planning your retirement together you need a three dimensional view.

Our pics have a more basic premise. We just want to show us having fun. FUN is essential in the search and should be a key component of your goal.

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/28/2006 5:20:00 PM   
KennelDeSade2


Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline 		Long winded, perhaps, but one of the few posts I archived on my PC.  I think yours is number three, since I began posting.

On looks. . .I've been fat and thin and (I was told) very good looking, several times.  Up down, up, down, four times, currently, fat.  The first time I was cute and was getting lots of attention from cute girls who would never look at me twice when I was heavy, I was utterly thrilled.  Then, I got to know them.  And I hated them.  Not so much for being their airhead, personality devoid selves, but for what they showed me about myself.   Because of them, I was forced to face my own failing that based on their looks I had done the exact same thing that they had done to me.  That of course being that because they looked good, I expected that they would be good people, only to find myself in a like minded group, and in the mirror of their behavior saw me.  And as we all learn, there is nothing more short term, than appearance  A great many guys want a pretty girl, not because it will make them happy, but because they think that the envy of other guys who see they are with a pretty girl will envy them, and that envy will make them happy.  They so believe it, that they are never happy even after a whole string of pretty girls and misery and heartbreak.  Their basic premise is flawed.  Long term happiness is not looks, or anything so transient.

Sure, there are plenty of very good, very good looking people, and there are as many ogres with hearts of gold.  Neither is the default condition. 

But life is a long term proposition.  And if you look at the life of somebody who has lived the life you admire, you will see that their  choices and philosophy was not based on the short term.  Regardless of what the beer companies try and get you to believe.



_____________________________

Rules? Just one: I say, she does.
Everything else, is just details.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/29/2006 7:38:48 AM   
LadyMorgynn


Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline 		This is an awesome post, and an excellent summation of the problems rampant in the lifestyle currently.  This mindset is visible in other sectors of our culture at large also.

Re appearance, first, I accepted long ago that men were shallow and appearance was their #1 criteria for chosing a partner (short OR long-term).  Having gotten over that, I think it's generally true that we don't really have much control over who/what we are attracted to or not attracted to.  Attraction is such a nebulous thing.  And yet, attraction does not necessarily involve physical appearance however; one can be attracted to someone's attitude, the overall "person" as they present themselves, a certain look in the eye.  "Hubba hubba" is definitely relative to the beholder! 

This only becomes problematic for me when it becomes a right/wrong issue.  If, for instance, a sub tells me (nicely) that he's not interested because he only likes slender black women, I think, Wow, cool, this guy knows just what he wants and is going for it!  I mean, I myself am looking for a certain type of person myself... not by physical criteria, but that doesn't mean I have no criteria... and yes, I am as likely to dismiss right away someone who clearly does not and likely will never meet that criteria, as readily as the gentleman looking for a slender black woman would dismiss me, and not expecting hard feelings either way.  We like what we like. 

But some people have a hard time understanding that what is their cuppa tea, is not necessarily someone else's; that a person who is the complete opposite of what he or she is looking for, may be an exact match for someone else.  And they scan the people they run across at the lifestyle events and sites with some kind of checklist, determining percentages and calculating percentages.  But I mean... why care at all???  When I go to a lifestyle party, I see *people*.  I don't count how many men or women or fat people or thin people or old people or people in latex versus street clothes.  I see, first and foremost, potential friends.  I see who's HOT (heheheh), I see who's got the most interesting bag of toys and I see who might be an interesting player I might want to follow around and see what they're up to (we have several of those at the Castle, very knowledgeable and skilled, it's a pleasure to watch them at play or to listen and learn when they demonstrate).  I don't reject anyone as a *friend* just because they aren't someone I would want to play with, or date, or have as my own slave.   To me that's about as shallow and egotistical that anyone can be... to write off a whole segment of a population because you wouldn't want to date them!  Of course, I value friendship highly. 

I've digressed a bit from the point... um, what WAS the point?  LOL.  Anyway, we're all just people.  Even the shallow ones.  What bites is that the shallow folk seem to generally expect us all to be as shallow as they themselves are, and don't understand or accept that there is something else out there for another person.


_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Buyers & Sellers - 6/29/2006 10:34:33 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Lady Morgynn,
Your post points out to something that was missing from my OP. Maybe it's a different subject entirely. It's the subject of "casual-ness". The thought came to mind when I read your reference about lifestyle parties.

Compare it to going to a bar. At 10:00 on a Saturday night, you set your sights on the hottest potential partner; at 1:30 AM you may be buying or accepting drinks using a totally different criteria. Now some Sunday mornings you may wake up wanting to chew your arm off versus waking the person. However, on occasion these "miss-matches" result in two people planning a honeymoon together.

Some people's posts and thread indicate they feel their life is at the "last call" stage; yet they are out there buying Paris Hilton drinks or waiting for Tom Cruise to buy them one instead of accepting one from Napoleon Dynamite or his female counterpart. They haven't compromised but they've eaten every Sunday breakfast alone with their uncompromising criteria.

Another aspect of casual-ness is allowing for the opportunity for fun. Not every contact should result in marriage or "collaring". Both should be much rarer than then are. Opening up to the experience with someone outside your physical appearance requirement can be done just for the shear mutual enjoyment. Who knows, that casual friend and play partner may be the source of the beautiful relationship you seek, you just couldn't see it from a distance.

Fun, being fun to be around, being positive, being open; I've never seen that attitude fail. You'll have more fun being inclusive than you ever will being exclusive. You CAN be casual without compromising your long term relationship goal. Amazingly sometimes one helps achieve the other.

(in reply to LadyMorgynn)
Profile   Post #: 40
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