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Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:07:09 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline 		Hello, let me start out by saying that I am not a troll or anything like that. I am posting this on an anonymous account. So...I would like to tell you guys my situation. I am the Master to a very important Slave (she's important to me at least). We are both very much in Love and things are going great. We have a 24/7 TPE relationship going on and currently live separately. I cannot really give more details than that I'm afraid.

Now to my question. I (We) plan on moving in together eventually (sooner rather than later). Up until this point, I have not tried to control her financially. We talked a lot about finances, and I would give her recommendations and advice, but we never strictly used money in our relationship in a TPE sort of way. However, with her moving in, it would be much more practical for me to just control the finances. I know that money is a very personal and taboo subject for some people and I certainly don't want to come off the wrong way. I'm sure there are many concerns that she would have and may be inclined to hold them back from me (I tell her all the time to be open and honest with me whenever she can, but she is still likely to go along with whatever I say).

What should I do in this situation? Should I tell her about my interest in controlling the household money before we move in together? Should I bring it up after a few months of living together? Obviously, I would tell her that saying No is OK in our conversation. There are some other reasons for wanting to control her money as well, such as she has a tendency to waste it (it's not debatable). That's all I can think of for now, and I'd like to hear what you guys think.
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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:12:08 PM   
MissKittyDeVine


Posts: 1054
Joined: 9/24/2011
Status: offline 		I think it would be better to discuss it with her, not a bunch of strangers.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:19:59 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

I think it would be better to discuss it with her, not a bunch of strangers.


Did I not say I would talk to her about it? Because I thought I did. I want to see what other people's experience or opinion on the subject is.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:28:16 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I think this is a great question, though I agree it's one you should discuss with her.

Controlling the money is a big deal for some people. I know a couple who have been together over 40 years, and they still don't have common money. I'm defining common money as what both make goes in one big pot and both have access to it.

Plenty of married people don't have common money. And then there are those who would be happy with the situation as you present it. I can tell you my husband had full control of the finances well before we married. But we slowly edged into it, starting with having common money.

This is an important discussion, and one where I suggest you not force the issue at all. It's a real test of trust, and she's either there, or she's not. She may never be, and that doesn't mean she's not a 'real' slave.

JMO, YMMV





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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:31:51 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline 		Thans for your input chatter. I agree with what you say about it being up to the person. They are or aren't interested in giving up their money (or to what degree). I think the big pot idea sounds reasonable as well. And it's not like I wouldn't give her any money for herself out of that pot. Either way, I totally agree that I need to not try and force it or coerce her about the subject. I need to find a way to lightly prob the idea.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:34:38 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me
Should I tell her about my interest in controlling the household money before we move in together?
Of course, you should. Otherwise, you're withholding information which could effect her decision to live with you and that's lying by omission.

quote:

There are some other reasons for wanting to control her money as well, such as she has a tendency to waste it (it's not debatable).
It's her money.

quote:

That's all I can think of for now, and I'd like to hear what you guys think.


I'd tell you no and at any pressure, I'd pull the plug.

That said, I'm in a relationship where he has complete control of the finances. The difference is that we're married and live in a community property state. I know that I'm not getting screwed out of what I have worked hard to attain.

With someone that I wasn't married to and without protection, there's no way in hell I'd hand over my finances. There's way too many stories of submissives booted out onto the street without anything to their name. (Including a Judge Judy episode)




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:50:38 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline 		My Slave is very much into improving herself. When I said that she wastes money and it's not debatable, that's partly what I mean. Yes it's "her money", but she knows that she wastes money and doesn't like it. In our relationship she is constantly looking to me to make her a better person / the person she wants to be.

As for the lying by omission, you have that way off. It isn't lying by omission because I don't require it. It would make no difference in our relationship when she moved in after two months and said no to the idea. I would not kick her out or treat her differently. I would make it sound like anything else we wished to try and talked about before trying it.

And yea, I'm sure there are a ton of example of bad people doing bad things. I'm not one of them and neither is my Slave. Although you have a mostly negative outlook OsideGirl, I appreciate you responding.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 3:59:58 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me
In our relationship she is constantly looking to me to make her a better person / the person she wants to be.

Here's the thing, you can't make her be a better person. Only she can decide to make that change. Controlling her finances for her teaches her nothing except that she can rely on someone else to solve her problems.

quote:

As for the lying by omission, you have that way off. It isn't lying by omission because I don't require it.
You're not being honest about your desires, so I disagree.


quote:

And yea, I'm sure there are a ton of example of bad people doing bad things. I'm not one of them and neither is my Slave.
Even good people go off the reservation when the crap hits the fan. There are no guarantees. The reality is that all of know someone that is a good person that reacted badly when presented with the end of a relationship.

quote:

Although you have a mostly negative outlook OsideGirl, I appreciate you responding.
I have a logical outlook. It's an outlook that has provided me with a long and happy marriage.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:04:59 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		First off "findom" in my opinion is less than being a whore and more about fraud.

So, back to controling your woman.

How well do you handle money compared to her?

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:05:02 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline 		Whatever works for you OsideGirl. Clearly you seem to enjoy contradicting everything people say. I guess there's a fetish for everything?

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:06:44 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline 		SimplyMichael, I am very good with money - especially compared to her. I think it would be beneficial in many ways to her and our household if I had control or at least oversight over the majority of the money.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:10:22 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me

Whatever works for you OsideGirl. Clearly you seem to enjoy contradicting everything people say. I guess there's a fetish for everything?


So, you think that what you write constitutes "everything people say"?


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:13:11 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me

Whatever works for you OsideGirl. Clearly you seem to enjoy contradicting everything people say. I guess there's a fetish for everything?



I'm engaged to marry my Master. He currently has minimal control over my finances (he is encouraging me and helping me to manage a savings account because I'm horrible at saving), even though he is better with money than I am. If he told me of an interest/demanded to manage the money after we lived together, I would consider that such a violation of my trust that it would severely damage the relationship. I came to him ASKING for the help, he didn't demand it of me. If he kept that desire from me, I would wonder what else he was hiding from me. It's a lie of omission and does not allow for informed consent.

If he then acted as you are now, I would leave.


I'm not against fin-dom in the slightest. If you are talking about controlling the finances for the sake of continuity and because you are better with money than she is, that is one thing, and it is entirely another thing to insist on it as a form of domination and attempt to hide that condition.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 7/24/2013 4:16:02 PM >

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:22:01 PM   
LittleGirlHeart


Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		I wouldn't let someone control my finances. I would learn to stand on my own 2 feet and learn to manage it properly.

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We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:26:26 PM   
chastity24me


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/7/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me

Whatever works for you OsideGirl. Clearly you seem to enjoy contradicting everything people say. I guess there's a fetish for everything?



I'm engaged to marry my Master. He currently has minimal control over my finances (he is encouraging me and helping me to manage a savings account because I'm horrible at saving), even though he is better with money than I am. If he told me of an interest/demanded to manage the money after we lived together, I would consider that such a violation of my trust that it would severely damage the relationship. I came to him ASKING for the help, he didn't demand it of me. If he kept that desire from me, I would wonder what else he was hiding from me. It's a lie of omission and does not allow for informed consent.

If he then acted as you are now, I would leave.


I'm not against fin-dom in the slightest. If you are talking about controlling the finances for the sake of continuity and because you are better with money than she is, that is one thing, and it is entirely another thing to insist on it as a form of domination and attempt to hide that condition.



Wow there are serious reading comprehension problems on these forums. I DON'T DESIRE OR DEMAND IT! I don't even know what to say to some of these people...I think I'm done wasting my energy. I wish the best of luck to you people who assume the worst of others. You will need it.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:29:13 PM   
leonine


Posts: 409
Joined: 11/3/2009
From: [email protected]
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me
In our relationship she is constantly looking to me to make her a better person / the person she wants to be.

Here's the thing, you can't make her be a better person. Only she can decide to make that change. Controlling her finances for her teaches her nothing except that she can rely on someone else to solve her problems.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

One of the things a D/s relationship can offer a sub is support where they are weak. When I owned a slave I didn't try to control her money, because she was fine with that, but her time management sucked. She was constantly behind with essays and assignments, not because she couldn't do the work, but because she didn't have the self discipline to sit down at the keyboard and get on with it. It was a great relief to her when I started ordering her to do it NOW, GIRL!

After I released her, for a year or more she'd call me up now and then and chat about how she was doing, then finally she'd get around to telling me about this essay she was terribly behind with and she couldn't seem to get started... and I'd say "Put down the phone, go to your computer and do it, that's an order!" And she'd say "Yes sir, thank you sir!"

_____________________________

Leo9


Gonna pack in my hand, pick up on a piece of land and build myself a cabin in the woods.
It's there I'm gonna stay, until there comes a day when this old world starts a-changing for the good.
- James Taylor

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:32:10 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		When I was married our money went into the same account. At this point, being single, I believe I will never again share an account with someone who had control over my finances even if I were to marry again. I'd contribute equally to living expenses and whatever I need to do if I were in a relationship where we shared living quarters - he would have no control over the rest of my money.

Yes, I'd need to know beforehand what you were thinking of doing with what belongs to me so I could ok it then, or leave the relationship. Seems to me that you'd be holding back pertinent information by not discussing it now, I wouldn't be on board with that. It seems dishonest to hold back this information when you're already thinking of it, and I don't do dishonesty, it really pisses me off. If you have the best intentions here like you say, it's always better to bring it out instead of making it look shady by holding back till she's there.

If you think your handling the money would be beneficial, then what do you have to lose by proposing it to her now? What would be the benefit to the relationship by waiting to tell her later? I'm not seeing anything positive that you'd get by waiting, but I do see some potential negative.

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:38:18 PM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me


quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

ORIGINAL: chastity24me

Whatever works for you OsideGirl. Clearly you seem to enjoy contradicting everything people say. I guess there's a fetish for everything?



I'm engaged to marry my Master. He currently has minimal control over my finances (he is encouraging me and helping me to manage a savings account because I'm horrible at saving), even though he is better with money than I am. If he told me of an interest/demanded to manage the money after we lived together, I would consider that such a violation of my trust that it would severely damage the relationship. I came to him ASKING for the help, he didn't demand it of me. If he kept that desire from me, I would wonder what else he was hiding from me. It's a lie of omission and does not allow for informed consent.

If he then acted as you are now, I would leave.


I'm not against fin-dom in the slightest. If you are talking about controlling the finances for the sake of continuity and because you are better with money than she is, that is one thing, and it is entirely another thing to insist on it as a form of domination and attempt to hide that condition.



Wow there are serious reading comprehension problems on these forums. I DON'T DESIRE OR DEMAND IT! I don't even know what to say to some of these people...I think I'm done wasting my energy. I wish the best of luck to you people who assume the worst of others. You will need it.



OK...you are right. All the subs/slaves who have disagreed with you are wrong.

Happy now?

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 4:41:54 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leonine
One of the things a D/s relationship can offer a sub is support where they are weak. When I owned a slave I didn't try to control her money, because she was fine with that, but her time management sucked. She was constantly behind with essays and assignments, not because she couldn't do the work, but because she didn't have the self discipline to sit down at the keyboard and get on with it. It was a great relief to her when I started ordering her to do it NOW, GIRL!

That's not the same thing, though.

You had her do the work. What he's talking about would be if she came home, handed you the assignment, you did the work for her and handed it in for her.

Controlling the finances is not the same as teaching her skills to manage her money.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Master as Findom to his Slave - 7/24/2013 5:41:36 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		I think this is a legitimate question for anybody about to enter into a relationship, whether it be kink-based or not. From what I've seen, she acknowledges she's bad with finances, and that usually means that she either never learned how to do it properly or lack the self-discipline.

Maybe what would work better would be to (in the short-term), have you take over the finances, but give her an allowance and teach her how it works. Over time, as she learns how to make better decisions, you can gradually loosen the screws and start giving her a little more slack. Before you get yourself too tied in to her financials, where's she at? Does she have a lot of pre-existing debt?

Be careful about intertwining yours and hers together, because is she is on the hook, you can end up getting jammed up in her problems. And if not, for both of your benefit, make sure she has something to fall back on should there be a less-than-amicable outcome. Perhaps open up a savings account in her name that she either doesn't know about or can't access easily. If the shit hits the fan relationship-wise, you don't want to be accused of coercing her into giving up her money. That can reflect very badly on you, and in some places may even be considered a criminal act.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



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