Backsliding?

Backsliding? (Full Version)

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Piece -> Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:07:19 PM)
A little history, first... I'm 23yrs old and been interested in bdsm as long as far back as I can remember. I've always had conflicting feelings, because I was raised to believe that it was very important that a woman be strong and independant. Because of that, I've always been ashamed by my desires and needs. I fought with myself for a long time before deciding that I was ready to commit to a 24/7 M/s relationship. I met a really wonderful dominant who had about 15yrs of serious, real-life experience in the Lifestyle and entered into a relationship with him. He was great, the kind of Master any sub would want. Considerate, yet strict, always concerned with my well-being, very safety-conscious, diabolically perverted, creative, plus attractive and financially stable etc. About 6months into the relationship, I started really rebelling against his control for reasons that I don't fully understand. I think it was just my upbringing popping up. I started arguing with him a lot. He had been managing my money for me, my diet, my exercise routine, my daily schedule, etc.The decisions he made were almost always great. My situation had improved dramatically since we had been together, but I just started getting frustrated at not being able to make my own decisions. Long story short, I acted badly enough that he released me from his collar. We remained friends after that, but he said he simply couldn't have a slave that wouldn't do as he told them (especially when his decisions were always made with my best interest at heart.) After the "break-up", I went through a period of really wanting to prove that I was a strong, independant woman who didn't need a man, wouldn't let a man tell her what to do,etc. I basically became a real bitch towards men in general, despereate to prove that I could make it on my own. I tried really hard to "reform" myself. I tried to stop myself from having any bdsm-related fantasies. I'd catch myself thinking of being tied up, or flogged, or doing doggy-play or watersports, etc and I would purposefully "change the channel" in my mind to a more vanilla scenario. I felt like I had to eradicate all my "sickness" from my mind and become a normal, vanilla girl. After a while of doing this, I just sort of lost interest in sex completely and stopped even masturbating. Dating also held no interest. I kept going out with vanilla guys but they bored me to tears and so finally I just stopped going out. Meanwhile, my life was falling apart. I gained weight, my finances went to hell, etc. Basically, everything sort of spun out of control and I became really, really depressed. I finally, just a few weeks ago, had a bit of a breakdown and admitted to myself that my life had been crap since my Master had left me...I came to him and explained everything that had happened and how miserable I was. I was constantly hurting and needing and feeling empty, as if there were a huge void in my life. He told me that he'd help me out...help with my physical needs, start managing my food and exercise and such again, help me get my daily schedule organized. He said he'd seen this coming and was willing to help me get out of the hole I had dug for myself by trying to pretend I wasn't a slave at heart. In just a few weeks, he's really turned my life around. I've lost 10lbs, I'm eating better, exercising more, feeling better all around. I'm not miserable and depressed anymore and my life feels "right" again. I feel like I have somebody who understands me now. I'm a really sick, perverted person and he's the only one I've ever met that I could discuss this with. I can tell him my most bizarre fantasies and he never judges me or thinks there's something wrong with me. He hasn't officially re-collared me but I believe he's considering it, dependant upon my behavior this time. I think he's taking things slowly to see if I've really come to terms with who I am. The problem is that I still feel ashamed that I've been "backsliding" into submissive behaviors. I feel like I tried so hard to be a strong, independant woman and I failed miserably. I'm sort of ashamed of the fact that I'm just not capable of running my own life. I guess I'm posting this to ask for opinions on how to deal with these feelings. I'm caught between being SO happy that my life is in focus again and controlled and yet still feeling ashamed that I wasn't able to make it on my own. Any advice?

LokisBrat -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:23:36 PM)
You could almost be writing the story of recent issues Loki and I have had in my dealing with giving up control. I applaud you giving what you deeply desired a second chance. I would like to ask you a question. You used the term "backsliding" into submission, but it seems to be where you, and I, and many like us want to be. I too struggle with seeing myself as the independant, solitary soul I've always been. It is when I give up the struggle that things go well. To quote Alanis Morissette, "the moment I jumped off of it, was the moment that I touched down." Backsliding to me has negative connotations. Do you feel guilty for wanting to be submissive because you truly believe you aren't? Or is it because you've been raised to feel you should be independant? In my case, both my upbringing and my life up to this point have been conflicting on the idea of my submission. While I feel much better/safer/happier/you pick with Loki in control, I struggle with giving up the control I've always had. It's a daily, one-step-at-a-time thing for me. There's no shame in being submissive. There's no shame for me in wanting to hand the control of most of my life over to Loki, the shame comes from feeling that "others" expect differently. But others don't sleep in my bed, nor pay my bills. I wish I could give you something more concrete, but I do want to say thank you for posting and keep your chin up!! Brat[:)] Edited for spelling!

Piece -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:29:18 PM)
I don't think it's an issue of me not truly being submissive. I think I'm actually submissive to an extreme and I love having him make my decisions for me. I think the issue for me is mostly my upbringing, having been raised by a single mother who was very strong and independant. Society in general has taken a turn towards promoting the concept of women taking control of their lives and breaking away from male domination, and here I am wanting just the opposite. I know one thing: I'm so much happier with my dominant than I am without him. My whole life just feels so nice and organized and "tidy" for lack of a better word, when he's in control.. Before he came back into the picture, things were just absolutely falling apart.It was a feeling of chaos that had pervaded my life.Nothing felt right. Does that make any sense?

cloudboy -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:30:02 PM)
Dear Piece, You have quite a story and you painted quite a picture. It seems the problem is with you and not your Master, i.e. you need to figure yourself out. Ideally, you want to live life from a position of strength and not emotional dependence. This would suggest that in the long run, you would be better off getting yourself together and being confident in how you live on your own. If you can master yourself, than the odds are you will be a much more stable person in a relationship. On the other hand, maybe you could master yourself while in a relationship with your master. Oftentimes people here discuss the difference between submissives and slaves. A veteran Femdom her has told me that I'm "not slave material." She is probably right. So maybe one way to help solve your conflict between submission and indepence might be to seek the station of a submissive: a person who submits to the will of their DOM during certain times and situations but who beyond that is their own independent self. This way you do not have to deal with being micro managed all the time but you can also be in a D/S relationship. So, you might want ask yourself, "Am I a submissive who is not really cut out for TPE or am I a slave who needs a better attitude towards TPE."

CreativeDominant -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:30:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Piece A little history, first... I'm 23yrs old and been interested in bdsm as long as far back as I can remember. I've always had conflicting feelings, because I was raised to believe that it was very important that a woman be strong and independant. Because of that, I've always been ashamed by my desires and needs. I fought with myself for a long time before deciding that I was ready to commit to a 24/7 M/s relationship. I met a really wonderful dominant who had about 15yrs of serious, real-life experience in the Lifestyle and entered into a relationship with him. He was great, the kind of Master any sub would want. Considerate, yet strict, always concerned with my well-being, very safety-conscious, diabolically perverted, creative, plus attractive and financially stable etc. About 6months into the relationship, I started really rebelling against his control for reasons that I don't fully understand. I think it was just my upbringing popping up. I started arguing with him a lot. He had been managing my money for me, my diet, my exercise routine, my daily schedule, etc.The decisions he made were almost always great. My situation had improved dramatically since we had been together, but I just started getting frustrated at not being able to make my own decisions. Long story short, I acted badly enough that he released me from his collar. We remained friends after that, but he said he simply couldn't have a slave that wouldn't do as he told them (especially when his decisions were always made with my best interest at heart.) After the "break-up", I went through a period of really wanting to prove that I was a strong, independant woman who didn't need a man, wouldn't let a man tell her what to do,etc. I basically became a real bitch towards men in general, despereate to prove that I could make it on my own. I tried really hard to "reform" myself. I tried to stop myself from having any bdsm-related fantasies. I'd catch myself thinking of being tied up, or flogged, or doing doggy-play or watersports, etc and I would purposefully "change the channel" in my mind to a more vanilla scenario. I felt like I had to eradicate all my "sickness" from my mind and become a normal, vanilla girl. After a while of doing this, I just sort of lost interest in sex completely and stopped even masturbating. Dating also held no interest. I kept going out with vanilla guys but they bored me to tears and so finally I just stopped going out. Meanwhile, my life was falling apart. I gained weight, my finances went to hell, etc. Basically, everything sort of spun out of control and I became really, really depressed. I finally, just a few weeks ago, had a bit of a breakdown and admitted to myself that my life had been crap since my Master had left me...I came to him and explained everything that had happened and how miserable I was. I was constantly hurting and needing and feeling empty, as if there were a huge void in my life. He told me that he'd help me out...help with my physical needs, start managing my food and exercise and such again, help me get my daily schedule organized. He said he'd seen this coming and was willing to help me get out of the hole I had dug for myself by trying to pretend I wasn't a slave at heart. In just a few weeks, he's really turned my life around. I've lost 10lbs, I'm eating better, exercising more, feeling better all around. I'm not miserable and depressed anymore and my life feels "right" again. I feel like I have somebody who understands me now. I'm a really sick, perverted person and he's the only one I've ever met that I could discuss this with. I can tell him my most bizarre fantasies and he never judges me or thinks there's something wrong with me. He hasn't officially re-collared me but I believe he's considering it, dependant upon my behavior this time. I think he's taking things slowly to see if I've really come to terms with who I am. The problem is that I still feel ashamed that I've been "backsliding" into submissive behaviors. I feel like I tried so hard to be a strong, independant woman and I failed miserably. I'm sort of ashamed of the fact that I'm just not capable of running my own life. I guess I'm posting this to ask for opinions on how to deal with these feelings. I'm caught between being SO happy that my life is in focus again and controlled and yet still feeling ashamed that I wasn't able to make it on my own. Any advice? My first piece of advice? If you really want it...and since you asked for it, my only assumption can be that you do want it...then here it is: I agree with your former master. Make up your mind and decide what really resides within you. You were raised a strong, independent woman. You became a slave to someone. A complete contrast in your worldview I have not met many slaves. The few I do know are intelligent and able to handle quite a bit on their own...they choose to give control over to another at various levels. I know quite a few submissive women who are very independent and quite capable of taking care of themselves. They choose to give control of themselves...at varying levels...to another. Does that stop their intelligence? No. Does that stop their independence? To a certain extent but only to that extent which they are happy with. To many, the finding of the bondage to another's will is what freed them. If you are going to succeed at submission, whether it be on a minor level or on an extreme level, you have to want to be there. Being ashamed of moving back to submission and considering it backsliding is either not wanting it or is not having the guts to admit you want it or not having figured out that submission and strength and independence (of a different nature maybe but independence nonetheless) are not necessarily on a "either/or" basis. If I am not clear with that, what I mean is this: It is NOT either submission OR independence/strength. You can have them all...but you have to realize that first.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:32:09 PM)
Define what a strong woman is for you...is it some one who does not get bossed around? ....well you are that, you are the own that makes the decision to follow this mans commands. Define what independent is for you...is it some one who makes their own decisions, takes care of themselves?.......well again you make very big and very challenging decisions every time you choose to obey him, and as far as taking care of yourself, it sounds to me you have chosen to do just that by placing your self in his capable hands Is it some one who financially has achieved independence?....you can still have a job, negotiate some spending money and maybe the rest could go for college tuition or something. Being a slave is way harder then doing your own thing. Being a slave takes strength, grace courage, your own mind, your own heart....it is the hardest path one can choose to be quite honest in a relationship. Perhaps you'll go slower this time, communicating your thoughts and feeling into a journal and to him as you go along.... Ill be honest this path is not for the faint of heart no matter how it may look to an outsider, you have lived it and you know this in your heart. Now the problems arise in public, that is where you feel a searing burn of shame, almost like you are a child, and that is a challenge to be sure, but it is a mountain you can climb together, maybe you could reinvent that warm flush or painful burn as the fire, the eternal flame of your relationship and begin to welcome it... Reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying. It is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honesty i think your master may want to become a little more involved in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated in to your being. Any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place at his feet....one shackled step at a time.

Piece -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:34:31 PM)
Thank you for the advice...I feel, and my Dominant feels...that the issue is simply that I having trouble admitting how submissive I really am. He's told me from very early on in our interactions that I was one of the most submissive/slave minded women he had ever met...and also the least willing to just fricking admit it, lol... I know that when I relax, and give up control, I feel better and I stop hurting emotionally. Thank you again for the advice.

LokisBrat -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:35:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying, it is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honest i think master may want to become a little more involve in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated.... any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place....on step at a time. I just wanted to say that this particular point resonated with me very deeply. Thank you. Brat

Piece -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:37:28 PM)
Thank you for your great post, CrouchingTigress...For me, I guess a "strong" woman is one that can manage her own life without assistance. Obviously though, I'm not very good at that. Maybe you're right...maybe by making the decision to turn things over to him, I'm showing that I CAN take care of myself. If giving him control makes my life better, then that must mean I've made the right decision.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:47:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress Define what a strong woman is for you...is it some one who does not get bossed around? ....well you are that, you are the own that makes the decision to follow this mans commands. Define what independent is for you...is it some one who makes their own decisions, takes care of themselves?.......well again you make very big and very challenging decisions every time you choose to obey him, and as far as taking care of yourself, it sounds to me you have chosen to do just that by placing your self in his capable hands Is it some one who financially has achieved independence?....you can still have a job, negotiate some spending money and maybe the rest could go for college tuition or something. Being a slave is way harder then doing your own thing. Being a slave takes strength, grace courage, your own mind, your own heart....it is the hardest path one can choose to be quite honest in a relationship. Perhaps you'll go slower this time, communicating your thoughts and feeling into a journal and to him as you go along.... Ill be honest this path is not for the faint of heart no matter how it may look to an outsider, you have lived it and you know this in your heart. Now the problems arise in public, that is where you feel a searing burn of shame, almost like you are a child, and that is a challenge to be sure, but it is a mountain you can climb together, maybe you could reinvent that warm flush or painful burn as the fire, the eternal flame of your relationship and begin to welcome it... Reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying. It is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honesty i think your master may want to become a little more involved in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated in to your being. Any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place at his feet....one shackled step at a time. I thought I said it well. Not so sure you haven't said it better.[:)][sm=applause.gif]

crouchingtigress -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:47:51 PM)
You are most welcome brat and please, the invitation for support flows both ways, you and loki can call on me anytime for any reason....i have lived the death of the ego, i fought tooth and nail at times...i can see now in hindsight that there were much better and more effective techniques to deal with reactance, that in fact instead of it being a wedge it could have been used to bind me to Him. quote: ORIGINAL: LokisBrat quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress reactance is a very natural thing that happens to a slave as the ego feels like it is dying, it is so scared of transformation often it will dig in its heels till the death...in all honest i think master may want to become a little more involve in this stage with you, i think when offered support and a firm hand reactance has a way of slowly melting away as each success is evaluated and integrated.... any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place....on step at a time. I just wanted to say that this particular point resonated with me very deeply. Thank you. Brat

Daddysredhead -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:54:07 PM)
Dear Piece, I can relate to some of the things that wrote about. I grew up in a traditional, Christian home, very loving, and very vanilla. I discovered my desires for "twisted" things in high school, but they were still pretty mild compared to the things that I find fascinating now. I struggled with how I was raised and the things that interested me and still do at times. I went to a liberal arts college, very much geared to "empowering womanhood," etc., and I kind of developed a chip on my shoulder against men having anything of value to offer, although I wanted so badly to find one who could prove me wrong. I was married to a man whom I was able to "boss around" and control, though he was a manly guy. His deferring things to me so often (at first) inflated my ego, and made me feel powerful. After a few years went by and having kids, this same behavior wore me out mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I grew more and more resentful of him and the behavior. I got infuriated when things were "dumped in my lap" because I felt that I was the only adult acting in the relationship. However, I also felt that the feelings that I was having ran counter to the strong, independent, woman, mother, employee, whatever that I was. If I hated being in control, that must mean that I was weak, right? That battle bounced around my head for years. It sucked to live in my mind. When I met Daddy, our first conversation was, in part, about me telling Him how I wished I could find a man who I could respect enough to yield control to, and defer things to, with confidence that he wouldn't screw things up as a result. Funny, I didn't know about bdsm at that time, didn't know what kind of man Daddy was, and had no idea that my "submissive confessions" were lighting a spark that would become the fire that lights O/our relationship to this day. During that same conversation, Daddy asked me why I thought that submission meant "weak." I didn't know why, only that I always figured that if you weren't steering the ship and controlling things with an iron fist, that meant you were a weak, wimpy person. He told me that some of the strongest women He knew were submissive in their relationships and their home lives, but were the pillars of strength to the family unit and in the rest of their lives. That took me a while to wrap my head around, but I finally got it. Knowing your limits and capabilities is a huge part of creating a life that is healthy and satisfying. Trying to do things that are constantly beyond your means and that make you feel as though you are not being true to yourself is draining to your mind, body, and spirit... it can also lead to a huge bout of depression as you are constantly setting yourself up for failure. I know this from personal experience. I, too, tried to break away from who I am at heart and also from Daddy at one point, and felt so miserable and so incomplete that I knew that I had betrayed myself at my core. I was fortunate enough that Daddy understood that I was having a "crisis of self" and that I just needed to see if I could break away and be content. I couldn't and I had to tell Him so. He didn't hold this over me like a trophy, or an "I told you so" moment... He was there to help me back to my feet and hold me close. Like a prodigal, I came back to what felt right in my heart, and Daddy was there with open arms to take me in and make me feel protected and safe. Remember, submissive does not mean the same thing as weak. Strength and submission can peacefully dwell in the same soul, as long as the soul does not create a hostile atmosphere for them to live in, by setting them against one another. Be strong, know your points of greatness, know your limits, embrace your submission, and love the One who will inspire you to even greater things by helping you love yourself.

perverseangelic -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 6:59:10 PM)
I was raised to be a very strong woman too, and sometimes it got confusing with my desire to belong to someone. The way I eventually learned to look at it was like this--it takes a strong woman to live her life the way -she- wants to live it, and society be damned. To me, that means that I -am- being a strong woman by being true to myself and my desires, and belonging to my Owner. I think that it is the mark of a strong woman to know her desires, and to trust herself enough to live by them. I think that strength is shown in making your own decisision, even if that decition is to turn decition making powers over to someone else.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 7:01:39 PM)
You are welcome Piece, please dont go thinking you made a mess of anything, after all how does that idea serve you in the goal you have now, to be happy serving this Man...(really give that some thought) What you might want to focus on is reinventing your ideas...here is a favorite example: If some one cuts you off on the highway you get mad right? but what if you knew some one was having a baby? It totally different as you choose the perspective you wish to look at it from. So my friend laughs and says that he sees about 15 women a day having babies and now driving at rush hour actually makes him happy ! Who cares if it true, truth is subjective, the thing that matters is instead of becoming angry and wasting precious energy on some stranger you move through life inspired and in control of your own circumstanses... I know you are only 23, but if you get this little trick i am teaching you....the world is your oyster....And that is what you Master wants, that is what i want and that is really what you want...to be happy and in control of your own life....right? quote: ORIGINAL: Piece Thank you for your great post, CrouchingTigress...For me, I guess a "strong" woman is one that can manage her own life without assistance. Obviously though, I'm not very good at that. Maybe you're right...maybe by making the decision to turn things over to him, I'm showing that I CAN take care of myself. If giving him control makes my life better, then that must mean I've made the right decision.

Tamerofwild1s -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 7:03:02 PM)
The problem is that I still feel ashamed that I've been "backsliding" into submissive behaviors. I feel like I tried so hard to be a strong, independant woman and I failed miserably. I'm sort of ashamed of the fact that I'm just not capable of running my own life. there should never be an issue like this . there is absolutely nothing wrong with a submissive who wants to maintain some independance in her life . when she is with her Master she gives him the control simple .. I have known many women who are submissive like no other and still maintain the independence in their daily lives and are able to conduct themselves as their Master wishes ... your not backsliding your coming to terms with your own realities and nothing wrong with that . many people go a whole life before they realize what and who they are ... I have to applaud you for coming to terms with who you are and still striving for your own Identity ....... you go girl

crouchingtigress -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 7:07:56 PM)
Wow DHR that was so beautiful...thank you so much for sharing.....hug

feastie -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 7:10:31 PM)
Piece, Of all the wonderful advice you've received thus far, I do find something that's missing. You do need to learn to manage your own life. Being a slave doesn't mean that one cannot take care of herself. I think the reason you failed is because you tried to put your nature behind you. You can't do that. You have to embrace yourself. My suggestion to you would be to ask your Master for his guidance...only...in certain areas, so that you can learn to make good decisions yourself. A woman, be she submissive or slave, should know how to stand on her own two feet, even if she doesn't have to. When you learn to do this, and yet you still hand over that control to your Master, you both shall be doubly blessed.

Daddysredhead -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 7:16:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress Any way the road is long, most long term slaves have gotten there as a progression, it is easy to want the whole slave thing from the get go but i think it is folly because a slave likes to know she has earned her place at his feet....one shackled step at a time. This warms my heart... hugs tigresse [:)]

akisha -> RE: Backsliding? (6/28/2006 8:53:34 PM)
Piece I denied my submissiveness for years. bounces between terribly unhappy vanilla relationships because i too felt wanting to submit to someone was messed up, but all the while I knew in my heart it's what i needed to do. Self exceptance takes a while but it is possible. I'm sure i'll still find that some issues still crop up from time to time and so will you. I'm taking baby steps S I know i want to work outside the home and have a say in certain aspects with in any relationships i have. I submit because it centers and balances my life. You don't need a man to control your life, You want a man that will control the aspects of your life that you want to give up the control to. Try thinking of it that way maybe. What helped me, is this view ~ It takes a very strong person to make the decision to give up control to another. ~ It takes a smart person to realize what they need to make themselves happy and to fullfill a deep need with in. ~ It takes an brave person to make the choice to do what is right for them.~ Edited because someone needs to tie up that damn spelling trolls again

heartfeltsub -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 3:30:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead Dear Piece, I can relate to some of the things that wrote about. I grew up in a traditional, Christian home, very loving, and very vanilla. I discovered my desires for "twisted" things in high school, but they were still pretty mild compared to the things that I find fascinating now. I struggled with how I was raised and the things that interested me and still do at times. I went to a liberal arts college, very much geared to "empowering womanhood," etc., and I kind of developed a chip on my shoulder against men having anything of value to offer, although I wanted so badly to find one who could prove me wrong. I was married to a man whom I was able to "boss around" and control, though he was a manly guy. His deferring things to me so often (at first) inflated my ego, and made me feel powerful. After a few years went by and having kids, this same behavior wore me out mentally, emotionally, and physically, and I grew more and more resentful of him and the behavior. I got infuriated when things were "dumped in my lap" because I felt that I was the only adult acting in the relationship. However, I also felt that the feelings that I was having ran counter to the strong, independent, woman, mother, employee, whatever that I was. If I hated being in control, that must mean that I was weak, right? That battle bounced around my head for years. It sucked to live in my mind. When I met Daddy, our first conversation was, in part, about me telling Him how I wished I could find a man who I could respect enough to yield control to, and defer things to, with confidence that he wouldn't screw things up as a result. Funny, I didn't know about bdsm at that time, didn't know what kind of man Daddy was, and had no idea that my "submissive confessions" were lighting a spark that would become the fire that lights O/our relationship to this day. During that same conversation, Daddy asked me why I thought that submission meant "weak." I didn't know why, only that I always figured that if you weren't steering the ship and controlling things with an iron fist, that meant you were a weak, wimpy person. He told me that some of the strongest women He knew were submissive in their relationships and their home lives, but were the pillars of strength to the family unit and in the rest of their lives. That took me a while to wrap my head around, but I finally got it. Knowing your limits and capabilities is a huge part of creating a life that is healthy and satisfying. Trying to do things that are constantly beyond your means and that make you feel as though you are not being true to yourself is draining to your mind, body, and spirit... it can also lead to a huge bout of depression as you are constantly setting yourself up for failure. I know this from personal experience. I, too, tried to break away from who I am at heart and also from Daddy at one point, and felt so miserable and so incomplete that I knew that I had betrayed myself at my core. I was fortunate enough that Daddy understood that I was having a "crisis of self" and that I just needed to see if I could break away and be content. I couldn't and I had to tell Him so. He didn't hold this over me like a trophy, or an "I told you so" moment... He was there to help me back to my feet and hold me close. Like a prodigal, I came back to what felt right in my heart, and Daddy was there with open arms to take me in and make me feel protected and safe. Remember, submissive does not mean the same thing as weak. Strength and submission can peacefully dwell in the same soul, as long as the soul does not create a hostile atmosphere for them to live in, by setting them against one another. Be strong, know your points of greatness, know your limits, embrace your submission, and love the One who will inspire you to even greater things by helping you love yourself. Wonderfully said.

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