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Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 6:44:41 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		What do you think about your guy flirting online with other girls?

Is it harmless or harmful?

Is it disrespectful?

I am leaving mine because I found he was planning a trip with a girl that he used to know. (Very innocently, his messages were open on his computer). He literally said to her "let's just go out in the woods (or get a hotel) and not give a fuck for a week". Of course, then I had to scroll back and look through everything, and it was disturbing. Alllllll kinds of compliments to her all day long, and I have never gotten one compliment ever.

When I asked him about the trip, he seemed totally oblivious and didn't know what I was talking about. I had to show it to him and ask him if he thought it was appropriate to do that.

Then he agreed with me that it was inappropriate and told me he was "just bored" and never intended to actually go, but of course I don't think that's true at all. Now, he's promising not to talk to girls inappropriately anymore.

I think this is a case of "he's just not into you", so I am leaving.

I know you can't possibly really judge an entire relationship just from this one incident, but do you think that's the right decision?
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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 6:50:24 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I dont think its a matter of judging the situation.

The decision is right for you, and that is all that counts.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 6:51:36 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		OK thanks. But what would you do if you found something like this?

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 6:53:27 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Unfortunately, the word "flirting" means a lot of things. I flirt all the time. There are several women here that I refer to as being my girlfriends. That's harmless. What he's doing is cheating, not just flirting.

You have several issues with him.

1. He cheated. He propositioned an ex. Without your knowledge, without your consent.
2. He lied. After arranging a weeklong trip, he told you he never intended to do it. After pretending he had no idea what you were talking about.
3. He's still lying. He's told you he won't do it any more. Of course he will.
4. You're doubting his word.

The thing about the compliments is minor, but it evidently means something to you.

I honestly don't see you having any choice. If you stay, you will have signaled it's okay to him. You HAVE to go.

Best of luck.




_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 6:54:58 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Yeah, that's what I think too. I have no choice and it's harmful, disrespectful and inappropriate. I can't just let it continue, because it will get worse.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 7:23:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I guess it depends on how secure and open you are in your relationship.

Master flirts with people. He's even arranged to meet people. Most of the time he tells me. Most times I don't ask because it's just important to me. I know who he comes home to and I'm just not too concerned.

I'm going to assume you two are/were in a pretty new relationship. Usually we see these problems on here with new relationships where there is not enough honesty and trust built up yet so the insecurities are still there because you don't know each other very well yet. Master and I have been together for over 7 years so it's not an issue now but had it been happening when we first got together, yeah it probably would have bothered me. But thankfully he's always been open and honest with me about everything.


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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 7:25:12 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Yeah definitely a new relationship. Also, a temporary one, because I was supposed to be leaving anyway at about this time. HOWEVER, just before I found this stuff, he had asked me to stay another year in Korea. I was seriously pondering it and then I find this shit.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 8:24:17 PM   
trent667


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/20/2013
Status: offline 		Thought about looking into why he was looking outside the relationship ?

No excuse for his actions, but they are the result of something lacking -

(in reply to starlagurl)
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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 8:47:46 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Yep. I thought about it, and asked about it but he says there's nothing wrong and he was "just bored". He has a lot of downtime at work and that's how he spends it. That's all the explanation I get.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 9:15:31 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: starlagurl

Yep. I thought about it, and asked about it but he says there's nothing wrong and he was "just bored". He has a lot of downtime at work and that's how he spends it. That's all the explanation I get.


Okay. In addition to everything else, he's using work time to do personal stuff.

Quit agonizing over it. Break it off sharply and soon. Drawing it out just makes it hurt more.

Edited to add:

quote:

ORIGINAL: trent667

Thought about looking into why he was looking outside the relationship ?

No excuse for his actions, but they are the result of something lacking -



NO!!!!

He cheated. Period. If she asks herself where she fell short, then she's assuming the responsibility for a lying cheater lying and cheating. It sounds like he's always been like that.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 8/1/2013 9:17:30 PM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to starlagurl)
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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 9:20:23 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Hahaha. Everyone goes on Facebook at work around here...

Anyway... I'm not agonizing, I just wondered some opinions. I'm leaving Korea on Aug. 13. I haven't seen/talked to him in a month anyway.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 11:09:57 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		The Mister flirts online and in person. Sometimes it bugs me a little but mostly it doesn't. It's just who he is, and 4 + years into the relationship, I'm comfortable, confident and secure enough in it that I no longer see it as a reflection of me.

If he were arranging visits with other women, and spending a lot of time on them/with them, then yes I would be extremely bothered because that's not what our understanding and commitment is, and he'd be going back on his word to me by doing that. So if he did that, I'd consider him to be dishonest and not trustworthy, and we probably wouldn't last. I'd be over here thinking our relationship was one thing, while he was out living as though it were something else. That wouldn't work for me.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/1/2013 11:42:00 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Interesting. Thank you for your perspective.

If anyone has other things to add, feel free. This stuff is important to talk about I think.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 10:48:42 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He talks to strangers online. But there's never going to be a meet. He's clear about that.

Talking to an ex with plans to spend a week vacation? Not acceptable to me.

Complimenting someone else but never me? Shows me you settled for this relationship and need to not do that in the future. As you've discovered, it's far better to be alone than to be lonely with someone else.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 12:56:35 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Technically it wasn't an ex, but I don't think it makes a difference.

The funny thing about the compliments was, I didn't notice that he wasn't giving me any compliments until I read these messages!

I was super happy with the dynamics of the relationship and he was always really attentive and appreciative. It just blew me away how often he told her she was cute or whatever in a message, and never told me one time in real life. He was always really quiet, and I just thought that's how he was. The contrast between the way he talked to her and the way he talked to me was astounding. It was actually kind of fascinating for me.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 1:21:53 PM   
punisher440


Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline 		FR

OP, the problem with some people[male and female] is once they get settled in a relationship they slow down in the flirting department. Many use their "A game" tactics to get what they want then once they have it they get lazy or think they have you hooked. But I noticed in your last response you said he is quiet and reserved in person yet he wasn't that way online with her. I've learned that lots of people open up more online than in person, saying things to someone they meet online for the first time that they would never say in person. That's just the nature of the beast for some online. As for me, I try to always just be myself no matter the situation. OP, just be glad you found out his true colors now instead of later.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 1:23:36 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Yeah, I'm definitely glad that I found out now and not after staying here in Korea another year.

When I asked him about the compliments, that's exactly what he said!

"You're not a challenge anymore."

What? OK thanks... seeya.

(in reply to punisher440)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 1:29:42 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I am fine with monogamy, open relationships, or polyamory, but not sneaking and lying.

I was in an open relationship with M and he was free to flirt or fuck all he wanted.

When I started dating B, I was transitioning out of a relationship with someone else, and B said he wouldn't date me while I was still seeing someone else. I thought that was a bit much, but that he had a lot of potential, and agreed. Once we realized we were serious about each other, he wanted us to deactivate our OK Cupid profiles, which we did. That's when I put my profile here on Hide as well. I would have a major freak out if I found out he was flirting on line, because that would be breaking the relationship agreement.

I think you did the right thing. He's only saying what he said cuz you caught him.

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RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 1:35:06 PM   
starlagurl


Posts: 26
Joined: 8/31/2010
Status: offline 		Yeah I agree.
It's easy to say it was all a joke or whatever. Even the girl messaged me this huge longwinded thing about how she doesn't even remember these plans and how they are just friends and blah blah blah. But the damage is done, whatever.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Flirting online? - 8/2/2013 2:36:34 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		This:


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I am fine with monogamy, open relationships, or polyamory, but not sneaking and lying.


I think you did the right thing. He's only saying what he said cuz you caught him.





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