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Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 7:30:59 PM

Theredmusiclover

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

Hello everyone. Im new, like 100% new, and in first D/s relationship. I've known I was a submissive for years but have been either hiding or not understood or told that I didn't know what I was talking about blah blah. Anyways I found a daddydom and things have been going pretty great. He's very understanding andwwe have been taking it slow. For some reason I can'to get out of my head that I want to know what a spanking is like. I've gotten a couple of swats for not saying sir when i was supposed to but that's been about it. I don't want to play game and intentionally break a rule to get punished but i can't seem to let the curiosity go. Im also afraid of getting one too tho and im also afraid of disAppointing him by asking for a spanking. He uses them as a correction tool. Can anyone give me some insight on this? Should i just grow a set and ask for one? Hell if anyone could even explain my feelings to me that'd be great. Im new and nervous and kinda scared and just don't have much of a clue i guess. Thank you for taking the time to read and have a great day :)

Post #: 1

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 7:42:48 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm gonna go with grow a set and just ask him.

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Post #: 2

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 7:55:03 PM

Theredmusiclover

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

Lol thank you. I've almost done it a few times but I just can't seem to say the words. I know im being chicken Shit but I really don't know what to do with the thoughts and/or feelings of it all. Part of me thinks its insane to ask for it but another part of me really wants to know. Anyways thanks for taking the time to answer :)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 7:58:47 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Are you good at begging? An old fashioned style begging is always welcome in my house.

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Post #: 4

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 8:07:49 PM

Theredmusiclover

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

Im not really sure how I am at begging. I haven't done it much so far. We've been going slow. Like really slow which is what I needed and he's been really good at giving me what I need. This whole thing is just a huge mind fuck. I've got two sides of myself that haven't had time to really coexist together and they're fighting. The sub part and the independent grown part.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 5

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 8:25:24 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

If you did ask for a spanking, how would that disappoint him?

Just letting you know - there are many different kinds of spanking. Punishment, maintenance, foreplay, fun, stress relief, etc.

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Post #: 6

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 8:33:55 PM

Theredmusiclover

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

I have no clue how it would disappoint him. I don't know how a Dom really feels with it. I know some really like to while others do it because they feel the needt or whatever. Im sure im completely overthinking all of this Im just unsure how to deal with the emotions I guess because this is very new for me. Im not trying to sound like or be a crybaby I just can't wrap my head around it I guess and was wanting some outside perspective from people who have been there. Whether it be the spanker or spankee.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 8:48:12 PM

deliriuminabox

Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline

Just ask him!

Most doms I've met really enjoy giving spankings, especially if the submissive asks or begs for one. Intentional disobedience is probably the worst thing you could do unless "brattiness" is a part if your dynamic. Most people dislike being manipulated and a punishment spanking is completely different than one meant for pleasure and fun.

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(in reply to Theredmusiclover)

Post #: 8

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 8:56:44 PM

Theredmusiclover

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

I definitely don't want to go the manipulation route. I don't want to play games. To me I guess it feels like a spanking is something I fear because its already been discussed that it will be a punishment. So i guess i can't wrap my head around wanting one anyways. Even tho I know it wouldn't be a punishment spanking because I've been a good girl lol

(in reply to deliriuminabox)

Post #: 9

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 9:13:36 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Ah.

Like I said, there are different kinds of spankings.

A punishment spanking starts off hard and it hurts. Before it begins, you should be told what you did wrong. So your headspace is that you did wrong, and you're being punished.

A nonpunishment spanking begins with a warmup. It increases in intensity, ideally just straddling the line between what you like and what you don't. Throughout, the rest of your body can be open to play. You should be relaxed.

They are very different.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)

Post #: 10

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 9:21:36 PM

Theredmusiclover

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline

Good to know. Thank you. I've actually told him a bit about my internal debate with all this. My guess is he's waiting for me to actually ask/beg for it. I want to be completely honest with him and I feel like its really important so that he can do his job correctly.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 11

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/1/2013 9:48:32 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Good to know. Thank you. I've actually told him a bit about my internal debate with all this. My guess is he's waiting for me to actually ask/beg for it. I want to be completely honest with him and I feel like its really important so that he can do his job correctly.

You are right.

How about you tell him exactly what you've told us - you're both frightened and curious, a little conflicted because he's mentioned using it as a punishment, and a little unsure about whether he's open to 'fun' spankings. I can't imagine anyone being disappointed with something so honest.

My man loves being asked for a spanking. I still find it a little embarrassing to say out loud, and that's part of the appeal for him I think.

P.S. Not everyone uses punishments, and many who do use things totally unrelated to kinky play (like extra chores, or a cancellation of a play session). In my experience, figuring out how to make punishments work as something effective and positive for the relationship was one of the hardest things to get right - it may take quite a bit of time and quite a lot of discussions to sort through. Whatever the two of you decide works best is fine.

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Post #: 12

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/2/2013 8:15:23 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

FR-

I remember asking my husband. I felt embarrassed.
He was more than happy to oblige.

We don't use them for punishment, although it has been used a few times in the past. There's definitely a difference to me, but I still enjoy the "punishment" spankings so it's hardly effective. You may very well be different and enjoy one but not the other.
If I just pretended they were effective, I would see it as counterproductive for BOTH of us.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 13

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/2/2013 10:43:45 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Can you write it down and send it to him? That gives you time to rewrite it till it seems clear.

However, if he enjoys spanking you but feels they should be reserved for punishment, there's a risk that he'll start claiming you've fucked up or been bad needlessly so that he has an excuse to spank you. And that's not a good thing. You will begin to feel that you can't do anything right so why even bother to try.

You want to talk about a punishment dynamic. Are you going to be punished if you're late because of a traffic jam? Or because you can't send him sexy pics from work? Or when he wants to do something that you have on a hard limits list so he uses it as punishment?

Lots of us don't have a punishment dynamic.

With that said, ask him how he wants you to approach him when there's something you're interested in. Me? I usually sent him a link to a pic or post about it and said, "hey this looks cool. do you want to try it sometime?". Sometimes he was interested and sometimes not. And some things I didn't want to repeat or he decided he didn't want to do again. But you have to be able to talk to people about sex. If you can't, then you shouldn't be having sex with them.

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(in reply to theshytype)

Post #: 14

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/2/2013 2:56:57 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

I have no clue how it would disappoint him. I don't know how a Dom really feels with it. I know some really like to while others do it because they feel the needt or whatever. Im sure im completely overthinking all of this Im just unsure how to deal with the emotions I guess because this is very new for me. Im not trying to sound like or be a crybaby I just can't wrap my head around it I guess and was wanting some outside perspective from people who have been there. Whether it be the spanker or spankee.

Every dominant partner is different.
[My] Master would not object to my asking for a spanking.

One thing that might help is if you could figure out what kind of spanking you are looking for:
Is it that the idea of a spanking makes you all melty?
or
Is it the idea of you somehow being naughty and getting a spanking because you deserve it?
or
Something else?
????????????????

In our dynamic, spankings are reserved for my being a good girl.

If it was the latter, it would fall under "funishment" (pretend punishment), and it would be delivered differently than a good girl spanking.

He does use CP (a hairbrush) for actual punishment but that is very rare.

A suggestion I have: could you ask him how would he feel about giving you a ____ spanking (once you identify what type of spanking you want) because you have been thinking about it a lot.

edit: clarity

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 8/2/2013 2:58:00 PM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/2/2013 3:39:11 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

With that said, ask him how he wants you to approach him when there's something you're interested in. Me? I usually sent him a link to a pic or post about it and said, "hey this looks cool. do you want to try it sometime?". Sometimes he was interested and sometimes not. And some things I didn't want to repeat or he decided he didn't want to do again. But you have to be able to talk to people about sex. If you can't, then you shouldn't be having sex with them.

When my (now ex) husband and I were noobs, I used to point out the things in Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns that I wanted to try, and, for the most part, he obliged me.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/3/2013 5:45:43 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Are you good at begging? An old fashioned style begging is always welcome in my house.

Nothing like a good grovel to start the day.

For whatever reason,I seem to inspire begging. I somehow suspect you may suffer from the same affliction...

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(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 17

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/3/2013 6:25:00 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

quote:

Hell if anyone could even explain my feelings to me that'd be great.

The desire for pain is commonly known as masochism. Masochism is extremely common amongst submissives, either because they enjoy the sensation or the feelings of submission and control that come from being spanked.

I'd simply ask him :-)

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)

Post #: 18

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/3/2013 7:55:35 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

The day I asked my late dom for more spanking, because it didn't feel as if I had had enough, was the day I made him a very happy man.
He was a sadist and was absolutely delighted to find out that I was a masochist as well as submissive.

and as for what made me ask for more? I still don't understand it, because I feel pain AS pain, but there were times when I NEEDED more to feel........... complete. There seemed to be a threshold that I needed to get past.

so, dude, one day , when he is relaxed, tell him that you want to experience a spanking and would he please give you one. He may well be delighted to oblige. And if he doesn't want to, then so be it, but I hardly think he will cut you loose because you want to try a spanking.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Post #: 19

RE: Asking for a spanking - 8/3/2013 7:58:20 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I don't want to play game and intentionally break a rule to get punished

actions, consequences. It is reasonable.

Ask for what you want, good girls should get a spanking, if they are good girls. Bad girls get ignored.

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Post #: 20

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