How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom is REALLY a dom?

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom is REALLY a dom?

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How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom is R... - 8/3/2013 2:31:34 PM

iamhany

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/3/2013
From: Philippines
Status: offline

Sorry for the long subject here.. Since I'm new here, I was just curious on how will I know if a guy is really a dom? Of course we can't just pick every guy and try them out.. And do you guys know a dom here in Philippines? I think it's hard to look on a Catholic country. Thanks guys!

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Cheating is never an accident. It is ALWAYS a choice.

Post #: 1

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 2:52:38 PM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

Meet in real life and use your common sense.

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As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to iamhany)

Post #: 2

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 3:02:10 PM

Miyani

Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline

What does it mean to be "really" a Dom? To know how to use a whip? To have a personality that inspires submission (in the RIGHT person)? To be a sadist? To accept service well? To be most fulfilled in a relationship in which they make the decisions? To give a damned good spanking?

There's no such thing as a "real" Dom. Because they come in all shapes and sizes. So yes, you do have to try them all out. Honestly and ethically, you have to get to know them all and decide whether they work for you.

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 3

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 3:07:03 PM

iamhany

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/3/2013
From: Philippines
Status: offline

Thank you Miyani.. :) I'm just kind of scared coz what if a guy pretends to be a dom when in real life he's just a rapist or something.. Thank you for your help :) i know this sounds stupid but like I said, I'm a newbie :)

_____________________________

Cheating is never an accident. It is ALWAYS a choice.

(in reply to Miyani)

Post #: 4

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 3:10:30 PM

Miyani

Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline

There's nothing wrong with being a newbie, at all. I promise. Thing is, you're also an adult, with common sense. Talk to someone before you meet them. As human beings, not as Dom and sub. Meet in a public place, get a feel for who they are. And, this is also important... know yourself, and understand what you're looking for in a partner, so you can decide if they are that for you. What you want is just as important as what they want. If you're inexperienced, be honest about that, and expect patience from them.

(in reply to iamhany)

Post #: 5

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 4:09:03 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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You're asking the wrong question. The correct question is, is he right for you?

There's more to compatibility than just whether his kind of Domliness matches your kind of subbiness.

As far as him being an abuser or rapist, how did you detect that non-Doms were safe?

Also... did you know your profile is not visible?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Miyani)

Post #: 6

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 5:17:45 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Define what you mean by dom? If you're talking experience in topping, ask where he learned and how many relationships he's had with women who wanted to be topped.

If you're talking decision making, ask about his real life and see how good he is at decision making. If he's out of work every three months, I wouldn't want him making decisions for me.

You could introduce stuff to a traditional Catholic male by saying you want a relationship where the man is the head of the house. Where he has the right to discipline his wife so that life runs better. Nothing scary in that.

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(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 7

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 6:23:31 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

Like a few people have already asked, what does a man being a Dom mean to you?
What are the qualities of a Dom in your mind? When people talk about Doms, there is a wide range of things that could refer to.
What kind of relationship do you have in your mind that you would like to find?

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530 DAYS

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 8

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 8:19:08 PM

iamhany

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/3/2013
From: Philippines
Status: offline

Thank you for the tips :) I guess I'm not really sure what I want unless I try right? Good day to all

_____________________________

Cheating is never an accident. It is ALWAYS a choice.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 9

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/3/2013 8:56:20 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iamhany
Thank you for the tips :) I guess I'm not really sure what I want unless I try right? Good day to all

In some ways yes but in other ways no. Surely something brought you to this site? Was it sexual? Did it have more to do with relationship stuff? You must have SOME image in your mind of this "proper dom" that you're hoping for. Sure it's going to be fuzzy if you don't have any actual experience. Equally surely it may change over time as you gain new experiences and therefor new knowledge. But something motivated you to join collarme.

Just so you get it... I'm generally considered (I think anyway) to be "a dominant" here but I'm as vanilla as they get. Sex tends to be missionary without toys or other props & pageantry. I'm "a dominant" because I lead our marriage... assertively. But if you had visions of some sort of whips & chains then I'd be "not the dominant for you". The word really does cover a TON of ground. In fact, it's so undefined that I see it (and similar words like "sub") as basically useless... empty of meaning.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to iamhany)

Post #: 10

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 5:28:49 AM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Pageantry, lol.

I had an entire weird vision with that word.

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(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 11

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 7:05:22 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Velvet robes and a long procession are what came to my mind K.

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(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 12

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 7:12:22 AM

SpaceSpank

Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline

I'll just echo much of the above...
There is no way to know right off the bat.

You can have the most "Domly" Dom the world has ever seen, with a laundry list of experiences and community insolvent, he could have his picture in some dictionary under the word "Dom" and be everything your average submissive looks for in a Dom.

And he could still be a complete and utter failure for you as a Dom because you two just don't click like that.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 13

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 11:33:38 AM

FreeK6669

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/4/2013
Status: offline

How do you know if a Dom is in fact a Dom? Interesting query. Speaking from a Dom's point of view, they should be understanding yet firm. Cold as ice and yet compassionate. Unyielding and at the same time, forgiving. A Dom should always know more then the sub or slave. Afterall, they have entrusted their safety and therefore, their very lives to you. My 3 are simply this, 1: Choose your subjects carefully. 2:Know their limitations before you start. 3: Above all, recognize when you pushed them too far. This is why you MUST have a safety word that shuts all down immediately. In short, a Dom should always know more, have a keener sense, and be in tune at alllllll times. After all, they gave their self to you and entrusted you with not only their pleasure, but their very life. Be careful with them. You need them as much as they need you. FreeK OuT! =;->=

(in reply to iamhany)

Post #: 14

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 12:23:47 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: iamhany

Sorry for the long subject here.. Since I'm new here, I was just curious on how will I know if a guy is really a dom? Of course we can't just pick every guy and try them out.. And do you guys know a dom here in Philippines? I think it's hard to look on a Catholic country. Thanks guys!

Mouse says, "If you have to ask, he isn't."

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to iamhany)

Post #: 15

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 12:59:48 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Velvet robes and a long procession are what came to my mind K.

Really? And here I had all these imaginings about you kinky folk. But Carol's bathrobe is velvet and the hallway to our bedroom runs the length of the house so it's kind of long. I suspect we have velvet robes and long processions fairly regularly LOL

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 1:03:22 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Velvet robes and a long procession are what came to my mind K.

Really? And here I had all these imaginings about you kinky folk. But Carol's bathrobe is velvet and the hallway to our bedroom runs the length of the house so it's kind of long. I suspect we have velvet robes and long processions fairly regularly LOL

And now..I have visions of Jeff walking down his hall, wearing a velvet bathrobe..waving, and Carol humming "Here He is Mr. America"...

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 17

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 1:10:14 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
And now..I have visions of Jeff walking down his hall, wearing a velvet bathrobe..waving, and Carol humming "Here He is Mr. America"...

I don't make me video that... sigh.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 18

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 1:29:22 PM

Toysinbabeland

Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline

It's stamped on the bottom of His foot.

Check.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 19

RE: How will you know if a person claiming to be a dom ... - 8/4/2013 1:32:33 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
And now..I have visions of Jeff walking down his hall, wearing a velvet bathrobe..waving, and Carol humming "Here He is Mr. America"...

I don't make me video that... sigh.

But if you do, post the link!

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 20

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