RE: I'm very new and very confused (Full Version)

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JeffBC -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 8:11:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
The bolded parts are red flags for you (which you will ignore, just like the rest of the thread)

*sigh* Ain't that the truth. Except they aren't "red flags". It's more like looking at knives stuck in your chest. The abuse is already happening

(OP: That may be the first time ever I've used the "abuse" word in a situation like this. I don't reach for that readily).



JeffBC -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 8:16:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
As a trained counselor, I can tell you that his response does not bode well for making changes. Instead of being contrite and upset that he hurt and scared you, he brought out the passive aggressive toddler routine.

And here's another thing I never do.

He's not dominant.. period. He's manipulative, sure. But it's more like a submissive manipulative.

Dominant personalities just don't DO passive aggressive. If they wish to go to conflict they simply do so. If I caught myself in passive aggressive mode I'd be mortified. Were this me and Carol my response would be simple.

<gut check> Do I need this in this relationship? If yes...
This is what you must do mine. Obey or we terminate the relationship.



Gauge -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 8:22:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I'm not a martyr .I was just telling a poster in pm about this. I get turned on when I see him turned on. When I give him bj I cum at the same time ( he is not in to eating out much) because I can feel I can get him hard . He said he gets turned on when he sees his girl tolerates pain for him. I guess he was expecting me enjoy it too because he got turned on but it didnt happen. He HATES lube. He says lube kills it because there won't me much resistance. Plus he says using lube is for gays lol.. He used to penetrates me when i was sleep sometimes ( I usually was waken up in the middle). He tried anal once when i was sleep and i didnt bleed (maybe because I was relaxed?) maybe I should ask him to do anal this way only lol




I wanted to respond 5 pages ago... so here goes.

You seem like a nice person so I will give this to you as gently as I can...

DUMP HIS ABUSIVE ASS

He refuses to use lube when you have actually bled because this egotistical garbage dump thinks only gay people use lube? How old is this guy? 3 years old? He needs to grow up and you need to get out immediately before something worse happens to you. I have news for you, you only get one body and one life, you can't buy another one in the online store, so it is up to you to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone. There is however a difference between wanting someone in your life and needing someone in your life. I don't need anyone in my life... I want someone in my life. You do not need an abusive mental midget in your life unless of course you want to continue to endure the abuse and his lack of care about you.

This is a choice. Sit there and take it or run like hell for the nearest exit. If you should choose to sit there and take it then you forfeit the right to complain about it. If you run like hell, I will gladly hold the door open for you and be certain to trip this troglodyte if he chases you.

Regardless of what you might think, the people here do care when it comes to someone that is being abused. Sometimes I think some people are too quick to use the word abuse, but definitely not in this case.

Please, for your own safety, run like hell. There are a ton of shelters for abuse victims you can go to with a mere phone call if you fear that you will have nowhere to go.



tommonymous -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 8:51:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I'm not ignoring at all..like I said, I'm just not ready for the break up.. It's really hard to explain...


Is it that you feel like you've come so far, and sacrificed so much, and grown so attached to him, that you don't want to give up a chance at something wonderful? To quit before you're 100% sure that there's nothing there for you to salvage? I understand that, and admire your dedication.

But, dedication to a cause (or man, in this case) which doesn't deserve your service is foolish. This man certainly doesn't have the same level of regard for you that you have for him. His actions repeatedly show that he doesn't truly care about you, and he doesn't truly care about working with you to find a sexual (and likely relationship) dynamic that works for both of you. You obviously (and rightly) have some serious misgivings about the state of your relationship, and about parts of this man's personality. And, from the sound of things, he's doing exactly nothing to allay those fears. (And he may not even be capable of changing himself so fundamentally.*)

So, since your dedication to him and willingness to sacrifice for him aren't reciprocated, and aren't likely to be by the sounds of things, it only makes sense that you'd end the relationship before he does you greater harm. Can your best friend (who may have had the guy pegged from the start) help you get out of this relationship? I know that I'd help the people in my life that I'd call a best friend if they found themselves in a situation similar to this one. What about options for student housing at your university? Can you perhaps have early access to living quarters given your extenuating circumstances? That's a possibility worth exploring also.

Best,

Tom.

EDIT: A random typo and *one additional thought.



Hillwilliam -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 9:39:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He HATES lube. He says lube kills it because there won't me much resistance. Plus he says using lube is for gays lol..

What kind of stupid fucking bullshit is that?



JeffBC -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 9:56:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
He HATES lube. He says lube kills it because there won't me much resistance. Plus he says using lube is for gays lol..

What kind of stupid fucking bullshit is that?

HOLY CRAP! I didn't know I was gay! I thought I was just a guy married to a postmenopausal woman. Man, this is sure gonna revise my self-image. I suspect I'll need a new wardrobe also.



PlayfulLibra -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 9:57:28 PM)

Do you feel like you can't find someone better than him? Are you really afraid of being alone?

Guess what.. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN HIM. Tell yourself you can do better. Give yourself more credit. So many girls out there rely on their men to make them happy and tell themselves "Without my guy, I can't be happy!" That's bullshit. You get ONE life, do you really wanna spend it with someone who takes advantage of you like that?

I remind myself EVERY morning that even though my guy makes me smile, I MAKE HIM SMILE TOO. I am just as important as he is and should be treated as such. Find someone that thinks you're important, not just some person he can control whenever he pleases.



getoutnow -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 9:57:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He says lube kills it because there won't me much resistance.


Here we have hit the nail on the head. This says it all.

I think everyone knows, when a guy masterbates for too long he gets used to his hand. How long do you think he has been masterbating for to lose this much sensation?

I think this guy hasn't had too many relationships. I think he's been a loser for most of his life. His attitude stinks. He is a LEGEND in his own mind LOL.

I mean, jesus.. no lube? What the FUKK.....

This guy just sounds like a bigger douche bag with every post.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 10:13:17 PM)

So, when a woman gets aroused and wet and lubricated during foreplay - its gay sex? Not that there's anything wrong with gay sex, cuz there most definitely is not a damn thign wrong with it. Just surprised to learn that my heterosexual self was so confused. Didn't know I was supposed to be dry humping to be straight.

Anyway,

You have all the signs of a co-dependant and he has most of the signs of an abusive controlling personality.

We all know you will continue to make excuses. Most individuals in abusive relationships have rationalized themselves into unhealthy relationships. I know I did it.

I love him,
He's a good father (except he wasnt)
Hes a hard worker
He's a good provider
He's a good christian
He didn't mean to hurt me
He was just stressed out
I love him
He promised not to do it again
What will I do without him?
Where will I and the kids go?
I can't do this alone.
I love him
It was my fault, I should have done __________
It was my fault, I shouldn't have done _______________
If only I was _____________ he wouldn't be so angry
I love him
If I was a better wife, mother, woman, person, lover...etc.
If ...
if....
if....
....

I could go on. The stuff we tell ourselves to make bad things ok, is the stuff that keeps us in abusive relationships.

Until your inner monologue changes, or the situation gets so bad that your self preservation instinct is louder than your rationalizing habits - you will continue to remain in a situation that at best is making you unhappy - at worst is abusive.

OR, he really isn't a monster and has as much concern with losing you as you have of losing him - and he gets his act together and stops being a dumbass.




SeekingTrinity -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 11:43:00 PM)

~FRing it~

OMG, my guy (factory original male) and I (factory original female) must be gay too because we use lube for ANYTHING anal [8|]. Funny...I just thought it was because I cared about him too much and he cared about me too much for either of us to hurt the other by doing a shit ton of friction activities (aka anything anal) to an area that does not have the ability to lubricate itself (aka our asses). Now I see its all part of some sinister agenda.

OP, your man is a complete and total asshat. You are young and don't need to put up with this shit. Guy is a loser with a capital L. He is a slimy little weasel. To hell with what your mom might think. Have your dad help you get home. Once you have some space and realize you have options, you will hopefully see your guy for the clueless fuckwad he really is.

Quite frankly, OP...you must be a stronger woman than I am because Id have drop kicked your joker of a boyfriend to the curb by now. The manipulation games, the tantrums, the lack of maturity he displayed after you brought your concerns to him would have me gone in 20 seconds. This IS NOT BDSM as I know it...and assholes like your boyfriend give what can be a very beautiful thing (my guy's and my connection come to mind) a very bad name.



BlackTigerDragon -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 11:46:12 PM)

Is this thread for real?



JeffBC -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/6/2013 11:51:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon
Is this thread for real?

Let's assume that it's not real. Do you think the troll would tell you?
Let's assume it is real. Then you've just thrown a really troubled human under the bus.

So this question is either passive aggressive pointlessness or it's cold hearted asshattery. Help me out here.



Sheela22 -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 12:03:47 AM)

I'm sorry I can't answer all your questions tonight. I'll write more tomorrow. I'm not feeling well tonight. He is not home yet and doesn't even answer his phone. I don't know what's going on... I was going through a very bad breakup ( bf of 4 years broke my heart) when I met him. He was so nice and caring. He was flying all the way from another province to see me all the time now he doesn't even answer his phone. Anyways, I set a deadline for myself. If things doesnt get better I'll call my dad FML..good night



stef -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 12:12:47 AM)

Stop stalling. You need to get the fuck out of Dodge.



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 12:25:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Let's assume that it's not real. Do you think the troll would tell you?
Let's assume it is real. Then you've just thrown a really troubled human under the bus.

So this question is either passive aggressive pointlessness or it's cold hearted asshattery. Help me out here.


Here's the thing...

For my part it may really be cold hearted asshattery. On the other hand the OP, if she is for real, received much compassion and some very good advice without availing herself of it. This thing has gone on for pages and pages. Not a word of it made any dent at all, and I'm convinced it never will. So it doesn't make much difference whether she's a troll or a really troubled human being, because nothing anyone says is going to make any difference. Either way this person is an emotional vampire. It's time to stopping giving her her attention fix. And if you think she's real, tell her to go see a psychiatrist, and then ignore her. Stop coddling her so that her emotional pain will become so intense that she will actually seek professional help. As it is, you're just enabling her. In the unlikely event that she's even real.



Sheela22 -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 12:39:09 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Let's assume that it's not real. Do you think the troll would tell you?
Let's assume it is real. Then you've just thrown a really troubled human under the bus.

So this question is either passive aggressive pointlessness or it's cold hearted asshattery. Help me out here.


Here's the thing...

For my part it may really be cold hearted asshattery. On the other hand the OP, if she is for real, received much compassion and some very good advice without availing herself of it. This thing has gone on for pages and pages. Not a word of it made any dent at all, and I'm convinced it never will. So it doesn't make much difference whether she's a troll or a really troubled human being, because nothing anyone says is going to make any difference. Either way this person is an emotional vampire. It's time to stopping giving her her attention fix. And if you think she's real, tell her to go see a psychiatrist, and then ignore her. Stop coddling her so that her emotional pain will become so intense that she will actually seek professional help. As it is, you're just enabling her. In the unlikely event that she's even real.

I'm sorry if my posts annoy you. Ill stop writing updates.



JeffBC -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 1:08:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I'm sorry if my posts annoy you. Ill stop writing updates.

In my opinion you say that too much... particularly in this situation. What if your posts don't annoy me and I'm interested in the updates? Then will you continue to update? You can't take one person's opinion on a discussion board and run with it. Besides, I'm an official dom. It says so in my official dom profile I'm pretty sure. Although in the interests of full disclosure, the mods here did revoke my MasterCard. I'm still working on getting that back again.

Insofar as this business of whether you're for real or not, try to remember that none of us can know that and we do get a lot of ... uh ... well .... complete and utter liars here. It's not unreasonable to at least factor that into our thinking. There's a reason we're all a bit leary of fictitious accounts.



metamorfosis -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 1:40:33 AM)

nm



KittyDeVille -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 2:03:53 AM)

Take responsibility for your actions. Own them. Own the choices you make. Own the voice you have. Own yourself
Stop acting like if you arent allowed anything or have no rights. Be an adult.

Its time to accept that you made a wrong decision by moving in with him.
That might hurt bc he isnt the love of your life. It might hurt your ego that you have to see that you gave everything up for someone who isnt worth it.
And that you have failed and your mother would celebrate this failure of yours.

Well, going down this road with this guy will hurt you the most, ever.

And after you moved back, go to therapy and grow a firmer backbone. Because no one should excuse themselves for their feelings, statements or actions



cloudboy -> RE: I'm very new and very confused (8/7/2013 8:36:02 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Let's assume that it's not real. Do you think the troll would tell you?
Let's assume it is real. Then you've just thrown a really troubled human under the bus.


I always love the crowd that blames the op for a situation and loses patience because she doesn't accept their advice and views. It's been 3 days and some folks expect Sheila to have already flown home to her dad, leaving the man she professes to love.

Responders have done a good job explaining the difference between bdsm and abuse. The next steps are up to her.

I share your view above. If its real, I still feel a little foolish for thinking my responses on the cmmb will make any difference or that I even know what to say.



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