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RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 7:45:59 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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quote:


No, no one takes charge of me until I feel okay with it. Trying to strong arm me into giving up control before Im comfortable has me walking away without a second glance. It takes as long as it takes to get there. There is no magic number to give. It happens when it happens.


I have made a few mistakes in my life, and reality had to slap me upside the head a time or two, but when the stars cleared, the above was Lesson Learned.

To the OP:

Trust is a process. I often say I am a slow burn, but when I trust, it is solid. Each step in the process ties me to another person, and the ties get stronger and stronger. This is simply smart. But I tell you what, the people who have earned my trust deserve it, have a fan for life, and will have someone watching their back because the other half of my trust in them is me showing my own worthiness to be trusted. It is a reciprocal thing, trust. For me, this is true whether we are speaking of friends, family, lover, whomever.

Years ago, I had a realization about trust and safety. Yes, I have to choose to share who I am, but the other person has to give me a safe space in which to do that (and vice versa). The analogy that works for me is this:

Trust is like a glass of wine. The wine - trust - needs to have some place stable to go. If the container is not stable, the trust will spill and be wasted.

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 8/6/2013 7:56:09 AM >

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RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 8:14:16 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		The other examples are more cut and dry, and I agree with your decisions, so will just address this:

quote:

But one I'd started a relationship had become (I assume) jealous of my best friend, whom I had no interest in. he's just been there for me for years. He was usually the first person I'd admit pretty much anything to. My partner at the time wanted me to stop spending as much time with him.


B would prefer I not "get involved" with the people downstairs. But we're already friends and their drama affects me, so I am already involved. I did agree to not get in between them when they are fighting or do anything to put myself in harm's way. B wasn't happy when I took T to an Al Anon meeting but I explained that S's drinking was affecting me as well and once we were there, I realized I needed to be there too.

B is also not happy that I talk to my ex. We haven't been romantic for a very long time. He owes me money and is paying me monthly, so on the rare times we talk, it's mostly about that (although we will also discuss the cats, who all remained with him.) I explained this to B, and while he would prefer that we have zero contact, he understands.

So, we were able to talk about these issues and reach a compromise. I would not be comfortable with being forbidden to speak to someone.


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RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 8:17:31 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso
I expect the last word, not the only word.

ROFL, I love that. Succinctly put.

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"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 1:30:36 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

1) How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? 2) Is your word law? 3) Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? 4) If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?


1) No more or less than in a vanilla situation.

2) No. Laws do not govern relationships. My word is sought, respected, obeyed.

3) Yes.

4) I don't understand the question, is this like a one to ten thing? Like, if I waited forever would that mean a one or a ten? I'm confused, because would a zero really mean I waited forever or would a ten mean I waited forever?

Arturas

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RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 1:55:41 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
...In that sense, time is measured by patience.

Quote of the day for me - right on the button.

Until I joined CM, I would never have thought that the Mrs and I were in a M/s dynamic.
But since I have learned an awful lot on here, it fits the bill even thought it wasn't by design from the outset.

The s-type gives the d-type their trust as and when the d-type has earned it and no sooner.
To try and demand it or get it by force is a doomed dynamic right off the bat.

In my case, it took about 6 months or so from the time she moved in with me.
For some, that would be too soon; for others, it would be too long to wait.
Every single person is an individual and each situation is different.
There's no way you could ever put a stop-watch on these sort of things.

Just my

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 6:14:21 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

1) How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? 2) Is your word law? 3) Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? 4) If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?


1) No more or less than in a vanilla situation.

2) No. Laws do not govern relationships. My word is sought, respected, obeyed.

3) Yes.

4) I don't understand the question, is this like a one to ten thing? Like, if I waited forever would that mean a one or a ten? I'm confused, because would a zero really mean I waited forever or would a ten mean I waited forever?

Arturas



This.



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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 10:06:21 PM   
PlayfulLibra


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/14/2011
Status: offline 		I don't trust right off the bat. I actually dated my guy a few months before BDSM things were even mentioned. I wanted to know more about him in his goofy, charming role before I was introduced to his serious dom role. But everyone is different, people who live their dom/sub role on more of a daily basis probably approach the situation differently.

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RE: A question to all. - 8/6/2013 10:28:45 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird
For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? Is your word law? Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?

I'd expect his trusting me to take as long as it takes. Not everyone learns to trust at the same speed. And trusting about the scarier or more important things can take longer too.

I will choose the place and time to meet at for coffee, based on his aforementioned availability, but I won't take 100% charge of everything from the get-go. If he's not already mine, I have no business trying to Domme him right away.

I don't consider my word to be "law" but, once we're in a dynamic together, I do expect there to be a good reason why he is not doing what I tell him to or what I expect. Certainly I allow leeway to consider my sub's position or POV. On many things, I prefer to get his input and then discuss things, with me making the final decision. The "something previously arranged" part, I don't quite understand. But when it comes to trust, you can't rush it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird
For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting? If not, how long does it take for you to get there? How much control do you feel comfortable giving to them?

I used to be submissive, so I will answer this part too.

When I was a sub, if a Dom came up to me and pulled the "kneel bitch" bit right away, I would have laughed in his face, turned and walked away. If a Dom tried to lord it over me from the very first meeting, before we even decided to enter a dynamic together, I'd have told him "Hey, I'm a sub, but not your sub, Mr" and politely said goodbye and left, never to be seen again. With the first meeting, I was okay with him deciding when and where to meet for coffee(as long as it was a public place), but expecting more from me at an initial meeting was out of the question.

The length of time it took me to trust any given person all depended on how comfortable I felt with him. Each situation is unique. The one thing that never changed with me is, trust takes time. Time to trust with the little things and more time yet to trust with the bigger things.

There was only one Dom I had that I could honestly say I trusted with my very life and that one died in 2009 when we were a couple. That time it took me four months to get that far. My final Dom that I was with for two years or so, I never did trust him to that extent. Like I said before, each situation is unique.

NBMG

< Message edited by NiceButMeanGirl -- 8/6/2013 10:30:09 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 3:07:16 AM   
Thejaybird


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline 		Thanks for your answers. It's something I'm very curious about. This is really the first place I've been to where the D/s dynamic was really openly discussed. I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff in the real world, so my experiences tend to come from guys my age (early to mid-twenties) that for the most part just seem to force out their dominance from the moment we meet, which is something I'm not comfortable with. I was wondering if this is a common thing or not.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 3:14:02 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

Thanks for your answers. It's something I'm very curious about. This is really the first place I've been to where the D/s dynamic was really openly discussed. I don't have anyone to talk to about this kind of stuff in the real world, so my experiences tend to come from guys my age (early to mid-twenties) that for the most part just seem to force out their dominance from the moment we meet, which is something I'm not comfortable with. I was wondering if this is a common thing or not.


Sounds like you are more mature than your friends. The fact that you felt uncomfortable with it suggests you are able to think ahead and have a realistic idea of how relationships work. This puts you ahead of a good 90% of the population of the collarme profiles.

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RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 3:36:00 AM   
vield


Posts: 354
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I know both sides of this question, because I have been a switch all of my life.

As a dominant, I expect trust to be gradually earned by me as my sub partner learns that I am what I say I am, that I respect limits, and that I may play with her mind as well as her body, but I shall be sure to cherish her and keep her safe while this happens. Sometimes trust is instant, like a bolt of lightening, but trust still will need building and
re-enforcing. The submissive also needs to earn MY trust!

How I will "take" her there can be very different for different women.

If she does NOT express her ideas and desires and fears to me, she is not going to work out.

I Love intelligent women, their brightness is more interesting than their other wonderful body parts!

As a submissive I need to build my dominant's trust that I shall put her wishes and pleasures first, that I shall try to the very best of my ability to fulfill her wishes, obey her commands, and to give her what she wishes even if it is something I truly dislike doing. I need her to be able to trust that I will never take advantage of her in any way she has not commanded me to do, even if she becomes melted down and vulnerable.

I also will need to be able to trust her deeply before truly deep submission can grow. I need to know she respects the few hard limits I have, and that no matter what she decides to enjoy "making" me do, that she is always keeping me safe in all ways.

I have had enough experiences of trusting a domme before i should have, and some of allowing a sub to trust me before she really was ready, so i am quite careful about these things.

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As always, your mileage may vary!

vield

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 4:39:42 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You've come to the right place, Jaybird. There's lots of knowledge and experience here.

Welcome to the discussion side.

eta: Very nice posting, Vield.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/7/2013 4:40:24 AM >

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RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 9:37:39 AM   
ForgetToRemember


Posts: 48
Joined: 5/6/2012
Status: offline 		There is a thin line that you must walk when starting a D/S relationship with someone. As a Master/Dom, you struggle with the need to show that you are indeed a 'real' Master/Dom (because of all the guys that are just looking for kinky sex / sluts). At the same time, you cannot push too hard or she will be turned off or lose some/all trust in you. You need to really analyze the relationship and her in order to know what you can/should do and when. Some woman submit more easily/quickly than others (not to saying this is good or bad). Generally speaking, your priority should be to prove:

1.) That you are not a psycho.
2.) That you are not a creep / weirdo / loser. Meeting up in person in a casual setting can help with the first two steps. There are also a lot of discussions here and online where you can learn more about #1&2.
3.) That you are not just looking for sex (unless that's what she is specifically looking for).
4.) That you are in fact Dominant and are capable of providing what it is that she needs as a Sub/Slave. This varies from person to person and you will need to get to know her and have her trust you in order to open up. Be careful not to push too hard when talking to her about personal things.
5.) No means No. Don't try to force anything on her whether you've been together one week or two years. You may suggest and strongly recommend things, but don't force her into anything she really objects to. Talking openly is the most important thing in a D/S relationship. Talking openly comes with time and trust.

You should start out slowly with your Domination of her. Talk before hand about what she is comfortable with. If you decide to give her tasks when you are not with her, make sure that she has the opportunity to say no or talk about it if she needs to. Tasks should generally be given only if they will make you happy, her happy, or further/enhance the Domination or Submission in the relationship.

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RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 9:43:29 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ForgetToRemember
As a Master/Dom, you struggle with the need to show that you are indeed a 'real' Master/Dom (because of all the guys that are just looking for kinky sex / sluts).

A response then a prediction.

Response: If you need to show that you are dominant then you are not.
Prediction: Littlewonder's going to agree with that.

Any woman who wanted me to "demonstrate my dominance" would get a good solid demonstration with a command like, "Get the fuck out of my life and don't come back." I'm pretty sure that I'd get obedience on that one too.

Other than that.. nice post.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 12:32:18 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting? If not, how long does it take for you to get there? How much control do you feel comfortable giving to them?



Jaybird,
First of all, welcome to CM.

Now on to your question. I have an issue with the question that you're asking. You are looking for a generic response to a very personal question. You see, ONLY YOU know what is going to make you comfortable. So our answers really don't matter.

Your question is no different than a vanilla person asking "how soon should I expect to have sex with my date?" The answer is going to differ for each individual. For some, the answer is going to be "immediately", and for others, the answer will be "never". And most will fall in between those two extremes. So it's really the chemistry between the two individuals that will determine the speed of the dynamic.

In short, stop looking for generic answers. Go with your gut. If someone is a fit, you'll know it. And if they're not a fit, you'll know it. So there's no need to rush things. When it's right, you'll know it. So go at the speed that feels comfortable. And if they try to force your submission before you are comfortable giving it, then don't be afraid to walk away.

I'll be honest with you. I've submitted to people who didn't deserve my submission. But I was so desperate to submit that I lowered my standards. As subs, we have to be careful about that. As strange as it may sound, if you're not careful you can find yourself submitting to your desire to submit, rather than submitting to the other person (who may not have earned your submission). I don't know if I said that clearly, but think about it, and I think you'll understand what I mean.

Good luck to you.
-Roch

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 1:43:49 PM   
Thejaybird


Posts: 36
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009


In short, stop looking for generic answers. Go with your gut. If someone is a fit, you'll know it. And if they're not a fit, you'll know it. So there's no need to rush things. When it's right, you'll know it. So go at the speed that feels comfortable. And if they try to force your submission before you are comfortable giving it, then don't be afraid to walk away.

I'll be honest with you. I've submitted to people who didn't deserve my submission. But I was so desperate to submit that I lowered my standards. As subs, we have to be careful about that. As strange as it may sound, if you're not careful you can find yourself submitting to your desire to submit, rather than submitting to the other person (who may not have earned your submission). I don't know if I said that clearly, but think about it, and I think you'll understand what I mean.

Good luck to you.
-Roch


This, pretty much, has been my problem, and thanks for sharing your own experience. I have been trying to keep my standards up, but it's something a bit difficult when even on this site, a majority of the people that I see immediately go to "I'm only looking for subs/slaves who want to serve me NOW." Or some variation of it that I feel I'm the one who's weird for thinking 'Why? I don't even know you.' Once again, I know it's all subjective, but it seems very prevalent even on the other side of this place.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: A question to all. - 8/7/2013 7:50:13 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Response: If you need to show that you are dominant then you are not.
Prediction: Littlewonder's going to agree with that.


Yup, absolutely. Master did not have to prove to me he is a dominant personality. He just is. He carries that air about him and he is confident. If he had to prove it to me I would have rolled my eyes and just walked out the door without even a single word.



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Profile   Post #: 37
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