RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices

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OsideGirl -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/9/2013 12:37:30 PM)
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Kana -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/9/2013 3:19:12 PM)
quote: Instead, what I see mostly within BDSM is power-play, symbolism, suspense, other fetishes, fantasy stories, sexual kinks like wearing a vibrator in public. It is so contrary to what I can emotionally relate to. I really question what you get out of it, if you dress up in leather getups and chain someone up, then gently beat them with one of those whips that don't really hurt a few times and then just have normal sex. Like its a bad porn movie that tries to avoid legal issues at all cost. The more I talk to women it seems to really be all they are ever capable of, in both the submissive and the dominant role. The lighter and less extreme BDSM gets, the more mysterious and ridiculous it becomes to me. So to speak, some kind of "dominate me, but without ever really hurting me physically or verbally or otherwise and never ever disturb my personal emotional equanimity - but we can dress up pretty, pretend its true in the bedroom and you can tell me what to do but I will always decide if I do it or not .." mentality. What kind of domination is that supposed to be, or submission even? I find that really really disturbing, but its happening to may couples and they seem to understand that as BDSM. Ok, I'll play. Caveat-I haven't read the whole thread so I hope I'm not hitting on bases already covered. I kinda get what you are aiming at here, at least the general gist, but don't agree with the main thrust. You found what works for you, which BTW is awesome, but you don't get why what they do works for them. Which is cool, because really, all you have to know is those two things-what works for you and what don't. What others do/call/act like/label is really none of your affair. Now me,I'm kinda like you, except I'm wired only for the giving sadism side.I like real hard sex, brutality, edge play.Pretty much nothing else gets me really revved up. And what most people call hard play I find kinda amusing. I mean, I meet peeps all the time who are like, "Oh wow, I'm such a pain slut," when it turns out they mean getting spanked 5 times lightly with a nerf paddle. It's somewhat demoralizing.But the fact is that hard core sadism is a small subsection of the much larger more comprehensive group that is BDSM as a whole. quote: So please, someone explain to me, what does it do for you. And what I mean does not relate to taking things into extremes, although I am talking more about 24/7 BDSM relationships here. What I mean is, what does it do to not cut to the chase, to pretend you are doing it but not really doing it, to say one thing then do another, to (metaphorically speaking) have all the getups and symbols and items hung up and ready for the party, dress for the party, then leave the room empty and go to bed without celebrating. What kind of understanding of sadomasochism doesn't involve real pain and real torture? What kind of domination can possibly exist without real points of control and what kind of submission without giving them? Now cracking to the meat of the equation-like jeff, if you looked at us externally, we look like a normal everyday snuggly couple. The sadism we practice isn't a common thing, maybe once a week or so, at least the harder stuff. but the control, yeah, that's always there. It manifests in a million myriad little ways. In fact,everything we do kinda swirls around that locus. Now we don't play dress up (Hell, I wear Armani suits to Dungeons) or role play (Because I feel phony and feel the whole thing is kinda silly.I mean fuck, I like being me, worked real hard to become the man I am today-why would I want to be someone else? Besides, it's me that she submitted too,not some role play fictional fantasy) and we sure as fuck don't pretend.When she suffers, she suffers hard and for real. The critical thing for me to understand is that just because it's not my kink,or as extreme as I may care for, that doesn't mean that what others do is invalid. Because that's just not true. It's 100%real to them which is all that matters.

JeffBC -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/9/2013 3:46:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana It's somewhat demoralizing.But the fact is that hard core sadism is a small subsection of the much larger more comprehensive group that is BDSM as a whole. OK, but in all honesty, isn't that true of hardcore anything? Isn't that what you meant by "hardcore"? In that same way Carol and I have taken our own "hardcore" route and it's a really, really, really small section of the BDSM group that even remotely gets it. As you say though, who cares? quote: The critical thing for me to understand is that just because it's not my kink,or as extreme as I may care for, that doesn't mean that what others do is invalid. Because that's just not true. It's 100%real to them which is all that matters. The day I start measuring people on how hardcore their kinks are is the day I put a bullet through my head. I kind of like, "Is it making them happy" because I like to be around happy couples and soak up all the happy vibes. I'm totally with you Kana. Even in my own little area of extremity I long since learned not to look down on less thorough authority dynamics even when they call it "TPE". It is what it is and it either works or does not.

Kana -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/9/2013 4:49:22 PM)
quote: OK, but in all honesty, isn't that true of hardcore anything? Isn't that what you meant by "hardcore"? In that same way Carol and I have taken our own "hardcore" route and it's a really, really, really small section of the BDSM group that even remotely gets it. As you say though, who cares? Agree. But I think in sadism, especially in dealing/ giving real pain, there's a whole lot more talk than reality. More so than in other areas of my life that involve hard core activities (Think extreme sports) What most people call hard play I see as a warm up.Not saying that to brag or sound all hard ass tough as nails or any such nonsense, but it's true. And it can get kinda frustrating meeting people who say one thing and then act another. Which is what happens more often than not.Nothing is worse, (Well, that's not true-there's a whole heckuva lot worse, but it still sucks) than making contact with some new chica, thinking a connection is coming, interests are aligned, getting hopes up, and then finding out that the hard core player you thought you found really thinks a rough whip is fettuccine cooked al dente. And it happens, as in again and again. I suspect that's a lot of what's driving the OP's questions. Hence, my comment. The group of way out there players is maybe (And this is absolutely unscientific.In fact, it's flat out a WAG) 5% of the BDSM community as a whole, and in actuality, I rather suspect that's a real high number. At least it is in the clubs I've been going too. Fuck, most peeps are there to socialize, so I get the OP's beef there too. It's also belied right here on the boards. There's a few hard core bastards, but in general, most are somewhat on the softer side. Not knocking that or anyone or their taste,just stating the reality as I see it. ETA-Oh yeah, and the only kink I really care about is mine. Fuck, what others do is none of my dang bidness. That shits on them, for good or bad, all the way. I ain't no rescuer.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 9:40:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Sorry, although I'm interested in the subject, my aging eyes refuse to read the wall of text. And yes, I can read books just fine. You do realize this is an internet forum, not a book, right? If you want people to read you, then you will have to format your text so they can. The first rule of good writing IS know your audience, correct? Solid slabs of text hold no interest for me, so I haven't read the OP. But some of the answers to the unknown "question" if there was one are interesting [:D]

LadyPact -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 10:51:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Agree. But I think in sadism, especially in dealing/ giving real pain, there's a whole lot more talk than reality. More so than in other areas of my life that involve hard core activities (Think extreme sports) What most people call hard play I see as a warm up.Not saying that to brag or sound all hard ass tough as nails or any such nonsense, but it's true. And it can get kinda frustrating meeting people who say one thing and then act another. Which is what happens more often than not.Nothing is worse, (Well, that's not true-there's a whole heckuva lot worse, but it still sucks) than making contact with some new chica, thinking a connection is coming, interests are aligned, getting hopes up, and then finding out that the hard core player you thought you found really thinks a rough whip is fettuccine cooked al dente. And it happens, as in again and again. I suspect that's a lot of what's driving the OP's questions. Hence, my comment. The group of way out there players is maybe (And this is absolutely unscientific.In fact, it's flat out a WAG) 5% of the BDSM community as a whole, and in actuality, I rather suspect that's a real high number. At least it is in the clubs I've been going too. Fuck, most peeps are there to socialize, so I get the OP's beef there too. It's also belied right here on the boards. There's a few hard core bastards, but in general, most are somewhat on the softer side. Not knocking that or anyone or their taste,just stating the reality as I see it. ETA-Oh yeah, and the only kink I really care about is mine. Fuck, what others do is none of my dang bidness. That shits on them, for good or bad, all the way. I ain't no rescuer. Ain't that the fckin truth. Actually, I think your wild ass guess is pretty close to what I see. For some reason, it works out to be about that 5% when people start using the word pain slut. It might* be true on some level for about that one in twenty but I can't tell you how many times it's more disappointment than reality and the toys you've planned to use might as well just stay in the damned bag. People ask all of the time if somebody saying they only have a medium pain tolerance bothers Me or if it's not good enough. That's not the deal. Being up front about a medium pain tolerance is perfectly cool. Telling Me you're a pain slut or a hardcore masochist when in reality you've only got a medium pain tolerance is a disappointment. The expectation is different. and THAT'S where the let down comes in. (Sorry for that little rant/ramble there but man, it just had to be said.)

UllrsIshtar -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 11:12:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact People ask all of the time if somebody saying they only have a medium pain tolerance bothers Me or if it's not good enough. That's not the deal. Being up front about a medium pain tolerance is perfectly cool. Telling Me you're a pain slut or a hardcore masochist when in reality you've only got a medium pain tolerance is a disappointment. The expectation is different. and THAT'S where the let down comes in. I think that's because most people don't have a clear idea of how their pain measures on an objective scale, and they only are aware of how it registers to them. Hell in the last decade, I've had tons of people try to slap the label of masochist or painslut on me, just because I happen to like to push my own boundaries, when I am absolutely not a masochist in any way. People see my style of play as extreme, because of the reactions it illicitness, when in reality, the amount of objective pain (as in how hard you can swing an implement on me) is absolutely rather low. I have no illusions of being able to keep a sadist satisfied when they're going act driven, instead of reaction driven, because, due to my low paintheshold, you'll get to extreme reactions with very little effort. I've found that a lot of people who self-identify as masochist do so because they enjoy pain on a level that feels high to them, not at all taking into account that when a sadist wants to do something that's act driven -like use a specific toy- it doesn't really matter if it feels like a high pain level to them, if the sadist feels they're still barely passed a warm-up. The difference between how hard a swing can register to an individual with a low pain threshold, and the person landing the swing often causes a disconnect between the Top and bottom, which makes that a lot of bottoms tend to rate their endurance level a lot higher than it actually is.

LadyPact -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 11:15:16 AM)
Well, the day you start posting that you have a brother that's just like you, feel free to send him My way. [;)]

UllrsIshtar -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 11:20:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kana At least it is in the clubs I've been going too. Fuck, most peeps are there to socialize, so I get the OP's beef there too. I don't think they're a very good measure for how many people actually like to play on the harder side of things, or like to play at all, because a lot of people don't tend to play at clubs on the same level they play at home. Hell, I love playing in clubs, but watching me play there will never give you an accurate perspective on how far I go -or don't go- because all of my play in clubs is far more superficial than anything I'm willing to take on in private. Part of that is because a lot of the reactions I love to play around with would be unacceptable in public, because they would raise serious concerns from onlookers about the consensuality of the scene, but the main reason is that I really don't have any interest of truly baring my soul like that in public, for a bunch of random people go gawk at. Anything more than superficial play is very personal and privet to me, despite the fact that I'm an attention whore, and a major exhibitionist. I have no interest of being in that emotionally vulnerable space in public setting, and deal with the aftermath of coming down from it in a group and environment I can't control, so if you saw me play in public, you'd get a distinctly different view about me than you would seeing me play in a private setting. While I don't think that that accounts for all the non-play socializing that goes on in clubs, I do think that just watching people play in public doesn't give you an accurate feel of what goes on behind closed doors.

theshytype -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 12:02:44 PM)
I'm curious to what talking the talk but not walking the walk in this context means exactly. Are these people outright stating they are heavily into pain, or are some sadists hearing "masochist" and just think they're into heavy pain? Are they being asked if they just enjoy pain and on what level, or are they being asked what they've experienced and how much power behind the hits. Have these people been with a sadist? If someone were to ask me about my pain level, I'd have to say I don't know. That's not an easy question to answer. To my husband, I'm heavily into pain. To a sadist, maybe not. I enjoy when he uses full-force spanking and belting. However, I could not say one way or another when it comes to, for example, caning. Never been through it. Additionally, his full-force may or may not have the same strength as the next person. Would it be accurate to say, just as is true to those that enjoy receiving pain, there are varying levels of people who enjoy administering it? That the said masochist had been with proclaimed sadists that are not as extreme as others? I just have a difficult time believing many would say they were heavily into pain when they're not just to end up disappointing someone. I want to believe its mostly lack of experience (like myself) or prior relationships that were perceived as heavy pain by both parties.

AAkasha -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 12:05:40 PM)
pqui, I will see your wall of text and return one. Sorry, all. When I engage in really rewarding S&M with a man, I cry - hard- at the end. And it's not the typical "top drop" kind of thing people talk about (partly, sure, it is), it's raw human guilt. It took me a long time to figure this out. Years. The first time I cried like this after hurting a man until he shook and and begged me for mercy, until I got what I 'needed' out of him, I had to do a LOT of soul searching. I am a sadist. I cry after doing S&m sometimes (rarely, now, which I miss, because it's the mark of a VERY good moment) because it's a reconciliation that is necessary for me to remind myself that I am ok - I am human - I have empathy - my partner is ok - I am not a beast - I am not ruthless - I am not honestly capable or desire this level of cruelty outside of my femdom lust. It's a slap in the face saying, "Wake up Akasha. You are NOT this mean, and you know it, you just had to do that to feed some of your sadistic urges and he was willing and he is ok." Guilt means I really, really enjoyed myself. My best S&m experiences are with 100% vanilla men. Subs hate it when I say this. But it's true. It's a different "flavor." So I shouldn't say "best" but it's a taste I cannot acquire with sub guys ever and a taste I will sadly NEVER have again in my life and I mourn that. Vanilla guys have real fear. It's real, they have no idea what is happening to them. They surrender blindly. My sensual sadism needs authentic fear and vulnerability and pain and desperation. I need the shaking to be real and NOT self indulgent. So when I would seduce a vanilla guy to go along with my games, he'd really be uncomfortable every time a new toy came out because he'd never had experience and he'd be afraid of what it would feel like. He'd be afraid of a gag, because of the humiliation of wearing it. Whereas a sub would be like -- woo hoo, a gag!! Yay! Finally! I want suffering. Authentic. Vulnerable. Now that I have moved on many many decades (hah) from vanilla partners I realized that self-realized subs can offer something amazing that vanilla men cannot - that's self awareness, and the ability to go WAY farther. So that's the trade off. And a good bottom can push my buttons because he knows how a sadist's mind works. That's the trade off so I will take it. Still, sometimes I do yearn for the wide eyes and visible heart racing and the look in the eyes of a man that says, "Why do you need to do this to me?" -- but he does it willingly. That is surrender. Oh, and afterwards, once he sees how WET it made me, he says it was WELL worth it. It's not for the long haul though as vanillas can't handle S&m as often as kinksters, which again is why it's not a good fit, but fun for casual play. So pqui you have to realize the paradox of your own problem though from the femdoms POV. I can just as easily say to you, as a "real" sadist and femdom, I see your toys and your need to really suffer and be pushed and pushed and pushed. I am the "type" of sadist I think you imagine. I exist. But you are the type of masochist that might be too self indulgent. You just need someone to turn the knob, after all. At this point. You are wondering why someone doesn't just turn the knob. Here is the reason. The relationship comes first. Always. You have to find a woman who is an authentic sadist who gets OFF on your suffering (that means you must suffer beautifully for her) and then build up from there. You cannot start with the hard core toys right out of the gate. A lot of masochists do not allow a courtship phase at all, they want to go straight to deeper pain play and that does not allow a sadist time to explore. I can't speak for all femdoms but I know that even though I can play hard, I still start my courtship process extremely subtle to see if he can make me "ache" in my belly, to see if I want to see him really hurting for me. How slow? Painfully slow (and not the kind of pain you want). We are talking days and weeks if not months of just a little gasp of pain, slight bondage, a little suffering and playful pain, and to also show you how I like to see you suffer. I am a visual femdom and I like a certain type of suffering. Hope this femdom POV works. TL;DR -- There are dominant women who are actual sadists. But relationship comes first.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 12:23:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha pqui, I will see your wall of text and return one. Sorry, all. ...... <snip> Yours wasn't a wall of text like that of pqui. You broke it up. You spaced it out. You made it readable. To an extent, it doesn't matter how long the post is. The important thing is whether you can keep your eyes focussed on what you are trying to read. OP doesn't seem to understand that and instead, quotes crap about average paragraph lengths in books etc and argues the point. I had no trouble reading your long post at all. After the 4th line of pqui's wall of text my eyes were just giving up. This is also the point I made in another thread about people using tablets and smart phones. The small width of your screen might make it easy for you to read when it wraps around. On a 'normal' computer screen, its a mess - even if you put a couple of periods in it. Learn to space things. Add blank lines, not a few periods. It makes the whole experience either pleasant or a nightmare depending on how it's presented. There's no excuse for laziness these days. None at all.

LadyPact -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 1:39:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theshytype I'm curious to what talking the talk but not walking the walk in this context means exactly. Are these people outright stating they are heavily into pain, or are some sadists hearing "masochist" and just think they're into heavy pain? Nah. They'll tell you flat out that they are heavily into pain. quote: Are they being asked if they just enjoy pain and on what level, or are they being asked what they've experienced and how much power behind the hits. Have these people been with a sadist? Oh, it happens often enough that sadists will ask what they've done before and what they've experienced. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not saying it to puff My chest out or anything. It's just what I see happens a lot. OK. Bottom A has been with B, C, and D and all of B, C, and D are tops that identify as sadists. And then I come along........ Well, bottom A did tell Me the truth from their perspective that they enjoy playing with sadists. It's just that tops B, C, and D didn't practice the kind of sadism that I practice and bottom A has never had bruises on his ass that would last more than a week. He thought he was a pain slut because the pain he'd been experiencing before was pain to the level that B, C, and D dished out, but he wasn't expecting what I bring to the table. I've kind of lost track of the times that I've had people tell Me that I was the first play partner they've ever had that marked them up more than anybody had before or that I had changed their perception of what the word sadist really means. It happens often enough that when I introduce Myself at munches, I add in the part that when I say sadist I mean it. (I have it as a part of My profile, too.) quote: If someone were to ask me about my pain level, I'd have to say I don't know. That's not an easy question to answer. To my husband, I'm heavily into pain. To a sadist, maybe not. I enjoy when he uses full-force spanking and belting. However, I could not say one way or another when it comes to, for example, caning. Never been through it. Additionally, his full-force may or may not have the same strength as the next person. See, but that's an honest answer and one that most tops would probably rather hear. As a side note, I'm a chick. I don't delude Myself into believing that I've got just as hard or a harder "swing" as most of the guys. Toys are great equalizers and there are a lot of different ways to cause pain. You really don't have to swing hard with a whip and even a dragon tail can be a delicious toy if you use it right. I've got no aversion to cbt, blood, or electric play. None of that actually requires hitting hard. quote: Would it be accurate to say, just as is true to those that enjoy receiving pain, there are varying levels of people who enjoy administering it? That the said masochist had been with proclaimed sadists that are not as extreme as others? Yes, yes, yes. That's exactly what it is and you've expressed it very well. I'm not saying that folks who don't play as hard as I do aren't sadists. Sadism is a scale like everything else. I'm not even saying I'm the biggest and the baddest because I've got nothing on some of the players in the gay leather crowd. quote: I just have a difficult time believing many would say they were heavily into pain when they're not just to end up disappointing someone. I want to believe its mostly lack of experience (like myself) or prior relationships that were perceived as heavy pain by both parties. Part of it is inexperience and where I see it a lot is because of lack of opportunity. (This is probably where Kana and I will be different.) I see this wayyyyy more in males than I ever do in females. From My perspective, it also happens substantially more online than folks I just meet at parties in real life. If I go to a dungeon or an event, I'm going to play multiple times during the evening and have scenes with different people. More often than not, there's going to be more folks that want to bottom to Me than I have the time to play with. Needle bunnies and heavy masochists are always going to get preferential treatment with Me because I have more fun doing it. This is where the unspoken "competition" comes in. People see and hear what other people do and they tend to stretch the truth a bit to keep up with the Jones'. For what it's worth, I completely agree with what Ishtarr said. There are a lot of scenes that I've done at home that folks won't see Me do in a public setting. Consent/non-consent is one example of this. Yeah, you can do it in a public dungeon but if it's a big space and you have to have a good familiarity with the DMs. Even when the DMs know you and the things you do, it becomes kind of a pain in the ass for them because other people in the dungeon will keep asking them if the scene is really ok. Even grabbing somebody by the throat and putting them against the wall will get you a few looks and if that turns into resistance play, some people get uncomfortable. Crying, begging, screaming tend to disrupt other people at the next play area over. Hope that helps a little bit.

theshytype -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 1:45:32 PM)
Thank you, LadyPact! That does actually help out a lot!

Kana -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 2:01:53 PM)
quote: I'm curious to what talking the talk but not walking the walk in this context means exactly. Are these people outright stating they are heavily into pain, or are some sadists hearing "masochist" and just think they're into heavy pain? Ok, I'll give a concrete real life example. I meet this chica, claims she's a real hard player.Too hard for the locals in fact, and she should know because she's fairly involved in the regional scene. She tells me she's into hard core capture, take what you want, struggles, likes to be forced to do things against her will. She looking for something like the Cleveland House of Horrors, sans forced abortions and involuntary captivity. Says pain gets her off, gets the adrenalin going We get together for coffee, sparks fly, things seem to click. Do some light interaction, try and tear her nipples off, strangle her with a belt, some face slapping. Good times.She's soaking and panting when I'm done. And loves it. Loves that I just fucking take what I want, her desires be damned. Loves that I'm a cold callous no nonsense bitch. Or so she says... So we arrange a play date, see if that connections flies in the boudoir too. Which sounds great, until all of a sudden, in our conversations between the meet and the playdate, she starts shifting. Originally, when we met, I knew she wasn't looking for sex,just straight sadism, which I'm fine with. I'm cool just hurting a chick-gets me off at least as much as raping her. And at the time, I wasn't seeking sex, just someone to make scream. I had all the nookie I could handle already. Then all of a sudden here come conditions. First she doesn't like restraints.Please don't tie her up. Then it's items.All she likes is skin contact. No whips or canes or anything. At which point I'm listening going,"Huh? WTF?" That's not what your profile says. That's not whatcame outta your mouth last week. But then she starts getting ridiculous. Saying things like,"No marks." Like yo, my gal-you're supposed to be a hard core maso.That means marks.It's real real tough to fuck someone up good in way out there edge play without leaving a bruise or two. Then it's "Don't make me cry." "Don't do this." "Don't do that." "I want this like this.""You can't try that." And I realize this chick don't have a clue. Her mouth says one thing (I like losing control. I like pain.I like things that take me beyond my comfort zone) but her actuality, yeah, that was a whole different deal completely. I gave it a try once. Shockingly,it was an awful experience. For both parties. Walked away and never talked to her again. In retrospect, I coulda/woulda/shoulda done some things differently (Like cut and ran ASAP)-I see where my part of the failure lay. But mostly, I left feeling misled. All the way up to the moment of truth she said one thing, but when push came to shove she went a completely different direction. And you have no idea how often this occurs. People like the idea of completely giving over. But few actually have the guts and capacity to do so. And fewer even of these are really into serious pain. Grins That's a big reason my profile is what it is and I post the pics that I do. I want the world to see what I'm about. What I like, what turns me on. No way no how I want some chick coming back at me later feeling lied to or misled.I'm completely up front with what I desire/need-that way she can't cry foul ex post facto. Something about being honest about who and what we are, what we like, what kinks set our hearts racing, light our libido's afire. I mean fuck,isn't that the base point of kink/BDSM-to cut through all the shallow BS and fears that hold so many back and let loose like the sexual beast one is? quote: Would it be accurate to say, just as is true to those that enjoy receiving pain, there are varying levels of people who enjoy administering it? That the said masochist had been with proclaimed sadists that are not as extreme as others? I allow for this possibility. Heck, I expect it. And as such, when I meet a gal,I start light.Not light by my standards, but light by anyone's.I'm talking spank tickle sorta stuff,while unrestrained.The only exception is if the gal can convince me she's an experienced maso. And even then, I take it easy. But yeah,in general, when a gal says she's been with a sadist, I tend not to believe it.Or to think,"Perhaps, but not a man like me." Finally, giving the devil his due, there's also always the possibility that she's been with a self labeled sadist who really isn't,just labels himself that because he thinks it makes him bad ass. Fuck, in fact, it's even probable. So yeah, I understand where you are coming from, and account for it in play. As any sane person should,IMHO. Trust me on this, simply because a person claims to be a maso, I in no way believe it.I have to see it for myself, test it, be sure of the ground where I stand before I believe it. That's just common sense.One could get into a whole fuck load of legal trouble if they didn't. I start gals slow, accelerate as the relationship/interaction deepens and we learn each other and trust emerges and grows. which really makes it just like any other dynamic in it's own way. Does that help answer your question?

DesFIP -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 2:11:11 PM)
You refuse to engage in aftercare, even if the person topping you or bottoming to you needs it. You insist on having extreme sadism done to you, or you doing it to others on a first meet without recognizing that this is very risky. That the person topping you could have you file charges or you could have charges filed against you. You stated that you want this accompanied by cold sex. Plus you have zero real time experience so when you claim to be this total masochist, anybody with any experience is going to take it with a huge grain of salt. You offer nothing to make someone else be with you. Not friendship, not money, not love. You do not recognize that the majority of people do not think the way you do yet you insist the entire world changes to adapt to you. Despite repeated evidence that this is not going to happen. You refuse to make any changes when what you're doing is patently ineffective to garner you what you want. You may want to think about Einstein's definition of insanity. As far as lots of hot sex, role play with cool costumes, light s & m, bondage goes - it does for us what heavy masochism does for you. It fulfills us in the way we need fulfilling. In precisely the same way that you may not like fish even though other people do, we are able to be fulfilled by things that don't fulfill you. You don't need to understand it, you simply need to accept it.

theshytype -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 2:17:20 PM)
Yes, Kana, that does help also. (and maybe has the potential to lead to some sticky keyboards...not mine...no, never...gotta go [:D])

pqui -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 2:36:19 PM)
@freedomdwarf1: Sorry, but I feel you are just trolling this thread. You write several replies in which you mainly complain about your problem with the text formatting, but refuse to deal with it in a functional way. Instead you just ignore large chunks of information, skip on reading and comprehending whatever details you don't perceive as interesting and bluntly dump your opinions regardless, in an entirely misdirected and ignorant manner. I find that, as previously stated, just offensive. @AAkasha: From what you described about yourself, you are pretty much a sadist with conscience and although you have a very real and prominent desire to hurt people, you don't allow it to make yourself or your life dysfunctional. It is both very arousing and beautiful to me that you are like that, pretty much who I would ideally imagine if thinking of a sadist woman. I don't know if you need to necessarily feel guilt in your psycho-dynamics, but in my opinion you don't have to. It seems to me, that you do not acknowledge the mutuality of it, that your don't really see that your urges are right and just given proper context and only in that context. That it is a very good thing you are like that. Maybe you need an excess of guilt to keep it at bay, but maybe you still need to learn to accept it (and only have it) in the appropriate environment? I entirely understand what you say about the authenticity of it, that people new to it have more genuine fear. I do also understand that there are different levels of focus to different sadists, such as fear, physical/emotional pain, just causing harm, seeing the reactions, etc. But I do believe that every masochist, no matter how self-indulgent, can be pushed beyond their limit and I believe enduring that very real suffering is the actual gift of a masochist to a sadist. It is where only strong bonding and submission can keep the masochist from running away on the long-run, where he is made vulnerable, where it all gets very intimate and sensible. It is also the part where the sadist needs to put effort into keeping it that way, so to speak to balance out the relationship equation, if that is even possible. That's why I see that D/s is a necessity to S&M for myself, because you need a very strong bond. But I don't have the experiences to tell you how that actually works out. Though how I described it is exactly what my masochism and submissive side would crave for (and its not just an excess of submissive emotion), even if that meant such relationships were short-lived because I would run away eventually. It is actually the only thing that gives the masochism any non-sexual meaning to me. I don't understand why you have to start slow, especially not as slow as you describe it. Can't you see much better if a person suffers properly if you just went from 0 to 100? Isn't that what would give you the kick of it, with someone you barely know and doesn't know how far you will go? I don't really get what the teasing is for, except if it is just meant to safeguard against legal issues. Also thanks to Kana, LadyPact and UllrsIshtar, it fits my impressions and you seem to understand part of my problem. I think I am missing a whole lot on the social aspects that run parallel to BDSM. Hence the less (extreme) BDSM is practiced, the more confusing everything gets for me. Well, I am currently talking to a woman online who is more into submission, humiliation and such, not much masochism as far as I can tell. I explained a lot and she explained a lot, and it clarified much. She is very reasonable. But she is also into rape, again. I seem to have a tendency to be very attracted to insane women and the last time it was about rape I got raided by the police before anything happened at all, my stuff was confiscated for a year. I just hope she is not insane. Damn you rape fetish.

freedomdwarf1 -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 2:46:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pqui @freedomdwarf1: Sorry, but I feel you are just trolling this thread. You write several replies in which you mainly complain about your problem with the text formatting, but refuse to deal with it in a functional way. Instead you just ignore large chunks of information, skip on reading and comprehending whatever details you don't perceive as interesting and bluntly dump your opinions regardless, in an entirely misdirected and ignorant manner. I find that, as previously stated, just offensive. Well, whether you think I'm trolling or not, several people agreed with me on the length of your unbroken writings. One person, and it could be them. Two people, and you should start to think it might be you, or a bit of both. Three or more, and you are the problem, not the others. You need to re-think how you present your posts so that others can read them properly and make sense of what you are writing. I don't give a flying fuck whether you agree with me or not or what crap you want to spout about the average paragraph lengths in books etc. You need to learn what is usually acceptable in forums such as these. ETA: Most people will pick bits of interest to themselves in any post. I am not alone in this behaviour.... It's normal for most forums.

JeffBC -> RE: From a sadomasochistic POV - I am looking for general clarification on BDSM tendencies and practices (8/10/2013 2:56:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar I think that's because most people don't have a clear idea of how their pain measures on an objective scale, and they only are aware of how it registers to them. That's just where I was going too. Here's a thing which happens to me all the time. I'll be over at some friends' house and they'll say they got some new toy that "really hurts". I'll try it out and guess what? To me it's water off a duck's back. I happen to know that I have a loose relationship with pain. I just don't care that something hurts. I check to see if the signals from my body mean something seriously wrong and otherwise I ignore it. I'd be the worst masochist in the world because I only have two states -- ignore and "utterly overwhelming, blinding pain". And even then on the second one I just hunker down and wait it out. So how am I supposed to know what Carol (who rejects even mild discomfort) might think of as "a lot of pain"? I don't care what some "pain slut" might tell me. I'm going to want to check the calibration and I'd be surprised if my expectations matched their expectations without at least some adjusting.

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