Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 12:50:12 AM   
sansa


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		(Because so many here are so offended by third person speech, it will not be utilized in this post asking for advice, so that you all may be more comfortable)

Ok, so here's the background. i live with my ex for the time being, though it won't be for much longer.

In July, i went to visit the Master who is considering me, and His first girl. While there, i was branded. A permanent mark is something i've always asked for in the past, but no other Dom/Master has granted the request, this includes the ex.

So, tonight, the ex goes to a party with mutual lifestyle friends and while he's there, i receive a text from him regarding it.

Now, i've posted about the brand here and to fet and to another place, it's not been hidden, at least not online on lifestyle sites. He's just not ever seen the pics and updates because he's not on my friends lists nor is the brand kept uncovered by clothing to where he would be able to see it while i'm walking around the house. If he happened across the pics or updates while perusing these sites, that would be one thing. But he found out about it at a lifestyle party from mutual friends.

Here's the question:

How should i react to this? Or should i even react and just go on as if nothing were amiss and let him come to me? And if i do learn who "outed" me about this, should i discuss it with them or leave it be? At first, i was surprised because our local community is very outspoken about respecting others' right to privacy and not making announcements for other people without direct permission, and not assuming everyone knows everything about everyone else. Yet this happens. It should have been my Master's and my choice for the ex to be told about it. Again, if he'd have stumbled across it, fine, i'd have answered the questions at that time, if he'd deigned to ask them.

But am i right to feel disappointed in my friends' lack of respect?

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 1:24:12 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I'm more than a bit unclear on what the problem is. He is your ex, right? Even though you are still living with him this relationship is over. So what does he care whether you have a brand or not? Why do you care that he knows?

My general feeling is that while I understand your disappointment you were probably unrealistic in your expectations that "shit wouldn't get around" Us humans are a social species. I wouldn't be couching this in terms of "my friends lack of respect" in my own head. I would have seen it as inevitable and headed it off at the pass myself.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sansa)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 1:37:34 AM   
sansa


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline 		The issue here is the fact that the local community has always been very outspoken about respecting others' right to privacy. The leaders have been very vocal in not discussing what happens between others, especially with those who are not present at the time whatever happens. Like if a Mistress and her sub play at a party and do something most people at the party haven't seen before, we really shouldn't go to those who weren't present and say "such-and-such Mistress did this to her sub." The same is supposed to apply to whatever we choose to tell people about what happens to ourselves, we can tell them but it's frowned upon for the people told about it to go tell others "so-and-so told me this happened to her."

So, that's the issue i'm having here...i hope this helps You to understand a little better..


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 1:48:41 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sansa
So, that's the issue i'm having here...i hope this helps You to understand a little better..

*nod* Then see my second paragraph. Given the situation you're describing I'd have called your expectations unrealistic. In your master's place I'd be kicking myself for not anticipating this and heading it off at the pass.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sansa)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 4:53:22 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		FR

I'd let it go. If mutual friends new about it, and you've posted these photos on public websites, it's not so strange that they would assume that the person you live with already knows.

The thing is, a brand is a physical outward thing. This isn't the same as a friend telling your ex you'd engaged in anal fisting with the new guy - it's on your body forever as a visible sign. I can imagine the friends in question thinking that this wasn't something you wanted to be kept secret, and assuming it was common knowledge. I can see myself having a conversation with friends that included 'hey did you see the photos of Clare's new tattoo?'

I think you were naive in thinking he wouldn't find out, and I also wonder why you care that he knows? And why is it more upsetting that he found out through conversation than by information that you posted openly in a public forum? Once you willingly make something public, the expectation of privacy is gone.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 5:10:26 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Agree with Athena. The friends had every reason to believe what they were discussing was "open". If you believe the intent was malicious...then that is different.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 9:19:34 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I have to agree. OP, you are really the one who made it public knowledge. Whether you expected one particular person not to see it because he's not on your friend's list or whatever, you still put it on public boards where anybody and everybody could see it. And, why not? Heck, I'm not even on the Gorean board and I noticed your posts about how happy you were about receiving the brand and the healing process. (It is a great brand, btw.)

Since you're posting about it, there's really no reason for other people to believe you don't want it mentioned.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 9:52:00 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

When you posted these things online, did you specifically say not to say anything to the ex about it? If you didn't, how was this mutual friend who spilled the beans to know that the ex didn't know already? As someone said, a brand is something that can be seen with the eye. I guess I too would have assumed your ex already saw it since you guys are still living together.

As the others have said (and I agree with), the ship of keeping it close to the vest sailed once you put it out there for people to see. But ultimately, does it really matter if he ex knows or not? You're happy and that's all that matters.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 10:40:08 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		WTF? You posted pics publically and think your friends lack respect for telling your ex? Really?

Along with what LadyP and Athena have said, I will add: You are stirring up way too much drama. You do realize this is the prime reason people don't socialize with others in the lifestyle, right? They can't handle the drama.

You've made a huge and erroneous assumption that everything people talk about is about you. Get over yourself. And stop expecting your friends to read your mind and then think they lack respect for failing to do so.





_____________________________



(in reply to sansa)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 11:10:18 AM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		I tend to agree with the others, it isn't like you kept the brand a secret, showed a friend in confidence, and then they told other people, you posted it publicly on web sites, which means to me you had no intention of it being private...so other people see you display it, and figure it isn't a secret, kind of like if you are out and about with someone, meet people, introduce him as your BF, then get upset if you hear people are telling others about your relationship.

Yes, there are concepts of secrecy in the community, but people also take clues from you. For example, if a couple does something at a play party then writes about it on forums and blogs, and talks to other people about it who weren't there, they shouldn't exactly get upset if others talk about it, since they in a sense 'outed' themselves. Also, generally secrecy and such usually is about outside the sphere, for example, it would be idiotic to assume that if you played at a public play party, it wouldn't be talked about, too many people there you don't know, think they all would keep quiet? And if it is a private party, for a circle of people who prob know each other, if you do something there expecting people not to talk about it with others in the local scene is kind of dicey as well, usually the secrecy and not talking is to protect people from those outside the circles, specifically about people not into BD/SM knowing about it......one of the things in the scene is you can't always count on that mythical secrecy, what goes on there stays there, and for most people, given that people often use scene aliases and such, it is about protecting people from consequences of outsiders finding out, and most people in the scene are really good about that, for obvious reasons. Even if you hadn't put pictures up, I think a lot of people would assume something like that is innocuous, and if you were worried about your ex finding out, the answer would be not to show it to anyone other than a small group of friends and asking them not to tell.


(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 2:44:49 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you wanted it to be private then you shouldn't have put it up on a social media. Beyond that, you live with him so of course people assume you talk to each other and know about each other.

You outed yourself.

As far as answering his questions, depends on how close friends you folks still are. Depends if you think his questions are appropriate or inappropriate. You can always just say you don't feel comfortable talking about this with him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to njlauren)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 2:48:54 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'm with everyone else. You posted them on social media, but expected all your friends to psychically divine that it was a secret.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/10/2013 2:49:09 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 2:55:31 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline 		What I do not understand, nor can I get my head around.

You have been branded by someone who is CONSIDERING YOU. He already has another girl.

What happens if he decides not to take you on as a sub/slave.
What happens if one day the alpha sub (not you) decides 3 is too much.

At the end of the day, should you become released. You now have a permanent mark of someone else. I know as a Dom, I'd never consider you as a sub/slave.

It's not like you can remove it now, is it?

Very short sighted of you really.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 2:59:50 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow
Very short sighted of you really.

Carol did not come to me a blank slate. Written upon her body and mind both was the entire history of her life. Welcome to reality. Very myopic of you really.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 3:02:53 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		FR~

I gotta agree.

Sheesh!
Talk about shooting yourself in the foot then blaming the gun for being noisy and waking the neighbours!

You instantly 'outed' yourself by posting it on social media.
That made you visible to about 50 million people or more in a single second.
So yes, it was your choice, and you displayed it for all the world to see.

And now you wanna bitch about your friends 'leaking' it to your ex??
Oh, c'mon. Gimme a break!
Drama queen or what!!

Sorry OP. You did it all by yourself and nobody else to blame.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/10/2013 3:27:14 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow
What I do not understand, nor can I get my head around.

You have been branded by someone who is CONSIDERING YOU. He already has another girl.

What happens if he decides not to take you on as a sub/slave.
What happens if one day the alpha sub (not you) decides 3 is too much.

At the end of the day, should you become released. You now have a permanent mark of someone else. I know as a Dom, I'd never consider you as a sub/slave.

It's not like you can remove it now, is it?

Very short sighted of you really.

What if she just wanted to experience getting the brand and doesn't really consider it an ownership mark unless that is how it works out? Some people really are into body mods just for the sake of the experience.

No offense meant. I'm just one of those folks who happens to enjoy them. (Giving, not receiving.)




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/11/2013 12:17:22 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

What I do not understand, nor can I get my head around.

You have been branded by someone who is CONSIDERING YOU. He already has another girl.

What happens if he decides not to take you on as a sub/slave.
What happens if one day the alpha sub (not you) decides 3 is too much.

At the end of the day, should you become released. You now have a permanent mark of someone else. I know as a Dom, I'd never consider you as a sub/slave.


Released? She's not even his to begin with, if this guy is still considering (if he wants to be with) her. They only met last month.

But then, maybe she just has a thing for branding, like LadyPact suggested.

That being said, why would you not want to be with someone that had been marked by someone else in the past? I mean, I understand if you feel it's a character flaw for someone to let a prospective partner mark them permanently (assuming it's an ownership thing), but from what you wrote it doesn't sound like that's where your issue lies.

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/11/2013 12:48:25 AM   
deliriuminabox


Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

What I do not understand, nor can I get my head around.

You have been branded by someone who is CONSIDERING YOU. He already has another girl.

What happens if he decides not to take you on as a sub/slave.
What happens if one day the alpha sub (not you) decides 3 is too much.

At the end of the day, should you become released. You now have a permanent mark of someone else. I know as a Dom, I'd never consider you as a sub/slave.

It's not like you can remove it now, is it?

Very short sighted of you really.


She has a permanent mark of slavery, not "someone else" ....

Beyond that, Jeff pretty much nailed it. You're being extremely myopic and any dominant who followed suit would be also. A person does not wander through life as a perpetually blank slate. Everyone ends up being marked in some fashion, whether it be physical or emotional.


_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/11/2013 12:51:30 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		FR

I have to admit that my first thought was also that it seemed silly to get a brand from someone who was only considering her, but then I saw the brand and re-read it. I assume that the brand is more about the way she identifies as a gorean/slave and it just happens that this guy facilitated it, rather than it being him marking ownership on her.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to deliriuminabox)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? - 8/11/2013 5:56:08 AM   
deliriuminabox


Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline 		I've never really seen a brand as a personal mark. I could never wrap my head around the idea of getting a personal mark of any kind permanently placed on my body so to me a brand was always symbolic of something more lasting than mere ownership.

As to the OP: I kind of agree that once you put the pictures out there on public sites, it became unrealistic to expect your friends not to talk about it. I don't really see this as a betrayal or a lack of respect. If they even thought about it at all, they probably thought he already knew.

I can understand why you'd be concerned that your ex has found out. I have an ex of my own that would have a very negative reaction if he ever found out about me getting any sort of body modification. Just because the relationship ends doesn't mean you stop caring about that person or how they feel, especially if you still live together.

I wouldn't confront my friends if I were you. They really didn't do anything wrong. If your ex asks about it, I'd be upfront and honest. No point in trying to hide it now. He knows.

_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Exes, mutual friends, and privacy...input please? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109