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RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 11:13:04 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it...

If he is continuing to contact you, it suggests that perhaps you don't know how to deal with it. Because honestly, if he keeps contacting you after you've told him not to...it's harassment and stalking.

quote:

Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment?

Not really. I understand that not every relationship is good for me and just because there are emotions or love in that relationship does not mean it is good.

Your first obligation is to keep yourself whole and healthy, it is not to become a martyr to submissiveness.

And I agree with the above, work on setting and holding up your boundaries.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 21

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 11:24:19 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss
I have gotten good at just deleting anything from him...feel a lot less guilty when I don't read how horrible of a person I am

1) Flat out tell him not to contact you anymore. In writing is better.

2) Don't work yourself up in knots (pun intended) over someone that uses the abusers method to get you back. He's calling you horrible, telling you that you did this and using guilt to make you believe that you deserve to be called horrible. You should not feel guilty about walking away from someone that would do that to you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 22

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 11:25:32 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I haven't read the entire thread, for me its' simple: Your ex can't contact you by phone or internet unless you let him. Block his ass !!

If he persists by setting up socks, report him.

If he's physically stalking you, call the police.

The guy has not gotten the message that you mean business, and he will persist until he does. Yes, it might take him months or even years.

But you block him TODAY.

_____________________________

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 23

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 11:39:23 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
I haven't read the entire thread, for me its' simple: Your ex can't contact you by phone or internet unless you let him. Block his ass !!

If he persists by setting up socks, report him.

If he's physically stalking you, call the police.

The guy has not gotten the message that you mean business, and he will persist until he does. Yes, it might take him months or even years.

But you block him TODAY.

I wasn't going to comment on this thread, but seriously, sometimes, this is what it takes.

Also, I'm going to add that deleting everything is *not* the answer. If you delete everything, you can't prove the pattern. Should it become a legal issue, you need that stuff for your records. I've got a stack of print outs sitting on My desk for the very same reason.

Tie, you can block both phone numbers and email contacts from your cell. No matter what carrier you've got, it's relatively easy. Even a bone headed computer twit such as Myself was able to accomplish this. (They have very nice customer service reps that you can speak to through instant messenger to help you.) Don't let somebody harass you electronically.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 24

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 9:49:44 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

Tieme-

I understand what you are talking about, my family wasn't catholic but there was this weird dynamic that I grew up with that somehow if someone ever helps you, you owe them something, and if you don't do something they ask, it is wrong......and people play on that, believe me, and they abuse it. It isn't about being a sub or slave, it is about a way out of the norm sense of gratitude that isn't real:).

It took me 7 years of therapy to break a lot of that, and while I still hate to take favors from people, I also when someone does me a favor feel like I owe them something forever.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 25

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/11/2013 10:07:49 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

Please. Exes always pop back up, mine keeps trying to get back with me and I finally stopped engaging with him for the last 6 months.

I think he is shocked since I always relented before.

But I have no reason or desire to see him and even if I have a weak moment of missing just the sex part, I remind myself of how horrible he treated me.

So stop trying to be pleasing; you only need to please yourself. Since you are with someone new, this should not be very difficult. I am doing it alone.

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 26

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/12/2013 8:37:37 AM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

When I tended bar, a regular hooker there told me men are like tomcats; they always come back sniffing around at the old porch. If you don't feed them, they stop coming back.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 27

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/12/2013 2:30:55 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

My first Dom and I had a tumultuous time together. He introduced me to the whole master/slave concept and I was pretty internally enslaved (**grins**that is for JeffBC). We went back and forth for a while because he moved for work. Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong...

Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment? That feeling that..he is kind of right? I know a lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first & he did a phenomenal job of getting into my head, identifying & establishing my "buttons-he established a lot of my beliefs on what a slave is & knows just what to do and say to get his desired response.

At this point, I have stood up for myself..but honestly that is NOT my strong suit...so I don't know how long I can withstand.. I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE...

I believe in not looking backwards. When something ends with someone, it ends, and generally I want no more contact with them. There is often guilt after any relationship ends. But you have as much right to end it, as he does. His notion that only he can release you, and you can't release him, is BS. A person can only be dominant over you as long as you give him permission to.

If you don't want him to contact you, I'd send him an email saying, "I appreciate the time we had, but that time is over, and I don't want want you to contact me by phone, letter, email or in person. Please respect my wishes." Then I would not respond to him ever again, and never explain myself again. He deserves one curt, polite go-away-please message and nothing more. If he started harassing me, I would get a restraining order.

Keep all letters and emails he sends you as evidence if you need to pursue legal action against him.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 28

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/12/2013 6:14:58 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

When I tended bar, a regular hooker there told me men are like tomcats; they always come back sniffing around at the old porch. If you don't feed them, they stop coming back.

Yup. When the ex realized I wasn't going to fuck him or play with him, he amazingly disappeared.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 29

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/13/2013 8:22:17 PM

imogenempire

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline

It sounds like you're feeling burdened with the responsibility to please everyone else all the time, including this old ex with whom you had a chaotic and ultimately unsatisfying relationship. As hard as it may be to accept, it's not your job to make the world happy, especially at your own expense. Your former dom is an adult and will be able to carry on regardless of the choices you make, so there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty whatever you decide to do about the situation. Because of the bdsm aspect of your relationship this might be hard to understand, but you have the right to end any relationship you're not satisfied with and to cut ties with people that are not beneficial for your life. If you had a great time with this guy but want to move on, that's okay. If it was a chaotic experience, which is sounds like, all the more reason to let go and find the right person for you. You deserve to have your needs met. You really do deserve to make the choices that make you happy without having to doubt yourself or feel regret.

Do you have anyone in your life right now who is a good support system or advocate for you? If you do, bring this up with them. Either way, you have the right to live your life and not feel beholden to anyone, including past partners.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 30

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/15/2013 11:58:34 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: njlauren

Tieme-

I understand what you are talking about, my family wasn't catholic but there was this weird dynamic that I grew up with that somehow if someone ever helps you, you owe them something, and if you don't do something they ask, it is wrong......and people play on that, believe me, and they abuse it. It isn't about being a sub or slave, it is about a way out of the norm sense of gratitude that isn't real:).

It took me 7 years of therapy to break a lot of that, and while I still hate to take favors from people, I also when someone does me a favor feel like I owe them something forever.

You hit the nail on the head with that!!!!

The hardest thing about "stopping the popping" is sometimes he seems to have some weird radar and shows up when I am at my lowest point... MN and I broke up at 3AM...hadn't heard from the ex in almost a week, had not responded to his attempts at contact longer than that,,5:45 this morning he texts me to "just check up on me & see how I am". Swear...he has bugs in my house or phone!!!!

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 31

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/17/2013 8:04:41 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Or he knows where you post online and you said something about it. Or you have a friend who you told right after and they told him.

More often than not, this is the case from my experience.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 32

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/17/2013 8:50:12 PM

Marini

Posts: 3629
Joined: 2/14/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

When I tended bar, a regular hooker there told me men are like tomcats; they always come back sniffing around at the old porch. If you don't feed them, they stop coming back.

I love this!
I learned many, many, years ago they will really stop coming back when they understand there will be NO intimacy.

_____________________________

As always, To EACH their Own.
"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. "
Nelson Mandela
Life-long Democrat, not happy at all with Democratic Party.
NOT a Republican/Moderate and free agent

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 33

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/20/2013 5:19:13 PM

Maybeher

Posts: 31
Joined: 4/2/2013
Status: offline

if you love him work it out, if you're not what he wants... He'll release you. I think for us subs the guy pushing us away is easier because few of us will chase him if he doesn't want us verses him coming as if he wants us, it gives us the thought that "maybe we can fix it" just to be shattered again with a "release"

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 34

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/20/2013 5:59:56 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Maybeher

if you love him work it out

Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's a relationship that is good for you. So, no, you shouldn't work it out based solely on love.

quote:

if you're not what he wants... He'll release you.

What about if he's not what I want? Subs/slave have just as much right to decide that they're no longer interested in the relationship.

quote:

I think for us subs the guy pushing us away is easier because few of us will chase him if he doesn't want us verses him coming as if he wants us, it gives us the thought that "maybe we can fix it" just to be shattered again with a "release"

Not for me. When I broke up with my ex, I knew my reasons, knew it wasn't a healthy relationship and ignored any attempts at reconciliation. Hell, my ex proposed to me after we split up and I declined.

Just because we're on the S side of things doesn't mean that we can't have a back bone and boundaries. Matter of fact, I recommend both, because if you don't you're going to be continually taken advantage of by the guys that have serial realtionships.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Maybeher)

Post #: 35

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 8/20/2013 9:03:46 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

That's pretty funny.

------

I think that it's good you know your weaknesses and are analytical about sorting things out.

------

Here's one thing I learned about breakups. Sometimes being an asshole is the best thing you can do for another person. It helps them move on. It hurts for them upfront, but long term they get over the relationship faster instead of holding onto forlorn hopes and delusions.

"Don't ever call me again."

"I'm not in love with you anymore, you need to get over it."

"I've moved on, I love X, not you."

All these are mean and hurtful, but they are also VERY CLEAR. My most painful breakups (where my partner sent me walking papers) were the ones where I felt we still had a connection and that somehow things would work out. If you can spare someone those delusions, you are doing him a favor.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 36

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 10/12/2013 9:57:07 AM

SageMage

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/26/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

My first Dom and I had a tumultuous time together. He introduced me to the whole master/slave concept and I was pretty internally enslaved (**grins**that is for JeffBC). We went back and forth for a while because he moved for work. Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong...

Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment? That feeling that..he is kind of right? I know a lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first & he did a phenomenal job of getting into my head, identifying & establishing my "buttons-he established a lot of my beliefs on what a slave is & knows just what to do and say to get his desired response.

At this point, I have stood up for myself..but honestly that is NOT my strong suit...so I don't know how long I can withstand.. I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE...

Remember, your submission is a gift that is given or withheld every second of every day. You are not claimed, you choose to submit or not. As a Dom, I recognize and honor that gift, and use the power granted to enrich the life of the submissive who so honors me, just as she uses her submission to enrich mine.
If he is not right, do not ever offer further submission, and feel free to separate him from your life. That would be much healthier than being constantly stressed.
After all, remember, it may be his collar, but you choose whether or not to wear it.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 37

RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up - 10/12/2013 1:58:39 PM

slavekate80

Posts: 362
Joined: 7/4/2013
Status: offline

(FR) Have you told him, point-blank, that the relationship won't work as it is and you want to be released? You don't need that official permission to leave, of course, but you might get it, and it seems that it would make it easier to leave. If you don't get it, then it's not likely to make the situation (much) worse. But use your own judgment since you know him and the situation better than anyone outside of it.

I asked my previous Master (though we hadn't been together for very long) to release me when it became obvious that we weren't going to get together very often and only for a very short time when we did. The details are a long story and a bit private, but the Cliffs Notes version is that his job and living situation didn't match up well with mine. At first he said no, but a week later he changed his mind and realized I was right - he deserved a slave that he'd be able to be served by more, and I deserved a Master who had more time for me to serve him. Would I have left without permission? Yes, especially since we didn't have a permanent arrangement, though it would have cut much deeper and would have taken longer to do and to bounce back from. It luckily worked out in the long run since we split with no hard feelings, and now I'm with someone else.

(in reply to SageMage)

Post #: 38

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