RE: How Do I get my wife to agree????

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Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:26:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis No, what we have is someone who created a profile in 2004. The rest was conjecture until now. If it's conjecture, why did you reply to the conjecture instead of what he wrote as a question and assuming that the profile info (written between 2004 and yesterday) was more pertinent than the question which was written 2 days ago? I stand by my earlier post that ERMAGEEERDdd, KILL DA CHEATER was the motivation.

DesFIP -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:28:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis Actually, I think it's a valid to ask whether forum members should have jumped to that conclusion. While I think there was sufficient evidence to make that assumption, it's worth considering whether posters have any interest in assuming the worst rather than the best about a new poster, and whether that has any effect on forum dynamics. I don't believe it's that we have any agenda in assuming that a poster is cheating. It's that the vast majority of the time, this is the case. If I can't breathe and my nose is running, my default belief will be that I've picked up a cold. Not that I now have a tumor in my sinuses. We assume that what is most common is what is happening.

LadyPact -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:28:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis The fact that he created his profile in 2004 doesn't mean he didn't have an open marriage in 2004. The only thing the OP stated upfront is that his wife had no knowledge of his interest in BDSM. He did not state that his wife had no knowledge of his interest in other women. We are only now finding out for sure that that was the case. I'd think it highly unlikely that "totally old school" equates "open marriage". If open marriage had been on the table, the guy could have just engaged in BDSM with the other chick that the wife was allowing him to have. The "what ifs" are getting more and more outrageous as the thread goes along.

Extravagasm -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:29:16 AM)
Any wonder one would feel attacked? All three multi-paragraph posts that you scolded as duplicate, were entirely different matters, except for the very few lines holding up descrites Post 39 as a better model. As if the final lines of a posts are all that is read. quote: Rochsub Post102: . . . . I merely pointed out that you posted the exact same thing 3 times . . . . If you felt attacked by me, I do apologize. Apology accepted. Thanks..

metamorfosis -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:35:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam If it's conjecture, why did you reply to the conjecture instead of what he wrote as a question and assuming that the profile info (written between 2004 and yesterday) was more pertinent than the question which was written 2 days ago? Because the question he wrote was vaguer than the info in his profile. Responding to either required assuming, and I prefer to make assumptions based on the most complete information I can find. quote: I stand by my earlier post that ERMAGEEERDdd, KILL DA CHEATER was the motivation. And I stand by my statement that it may well have been, and it's certainly worth exploring whether it was.

metamorfosis -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:41:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact The "what ifs" are getting more and more outrageous as the thread goes along. I like "what ifs" and feel that, now that it's clear he wanted to cheat, the original question posed in the OP has been thoroughly discussed and the "what ifs" are all there is left to talk about.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:44:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis Because the question he wrote was vaguer than the info in his profile. Responding to either required assuming, and I prefer to make assumptions based on the most complete information I can find. There is nothing vague about the question. He has been married for a long time He and his wife are 50. Health problems preclude a mutually fulfilling sex life. He wants to know how to get his wife to suggest or welcome a sub to serve in the house. How is it sneaking when you want the spouse to SUGGEST OR WELCOME a third into the house? Those words mean he wants her on board. What becomes vague is when people go and read a 9 year old profile and combine it with and make assumptions about the question. We're not answering the profile here. We're answering the question are we not?

LadyPact -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 11:59:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis I like "what ifs" and feel that, now that it's clear he wanted to cheat, the original question posed in the OP has been thoroughly discussed and the "what ifs" are all there is left to talk about. I guess I don't understand your thought process on this. The OP cleared up just about every "what if" that you've thrown and I don't see how any of them have applied. I might have missed it, but I didn't even see any comments from the OP about improving his sex life at home. He just wanted to know how he could get his wife to agree to him having sex with a woman who maintains her own residence who could give him blow jobs and sex on the side. So, what is the point of the "maybe they had an open marriage in 2004" when it's pretty obvious that they didn't or throwing a bunch of junk out there about how people came down on him for being new when he's been here for a decade? It seems like every possible straw man is being thrown out there with no real purpose.

metamorfosis -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 12:13:55 PM)
Sure it's vague. quote: ORIGINAL: trustandesire I am a straight Dominant man. Not much experience. What does that mean? My wife is 100% vanilla, .01% bi. No fucking clue what that means. Totally old school. Nor that either. We have very limited sex life due to her asthma and other issues. What does "very limited sex life" mean, and if he's frustrated why doesn't he first consider porn and mastrubation (which he later says he rarely engages in) before he considers doing something drastic like taking a live in sex slave?) Both 50 yrs old. How do I get her to suggest or welcome a younger slave into our marriage of 30+ years. see previous I'm looking for simple dominance, a sex / domestic slave who obeys. My wife has no idea of my desires of dominance but knows I am dominant as she also is. How is that even possible? She has no idea of this lifestyle or that a "slave" even exists. How can he possibly know that without talking to her? It was vague. I looked at his profile to see if that would clarify anything. Upon viewing it, I saw he very likely trying to cheat on his wife. How, then, does that info not become pertinent to this thread, and why would I not take that into consideration before I answered.? The idea that anyone knowing how likely he was to be cheating on his wife would choose to totally disregard that information when answering his post, is ludicrous. I don't ask you to defend not viewing his profile. I don't expect to have to defend viewing it, nor to defend why I took into consideration the information therein when answering him.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 12:23:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam How is it sneaking when you want the spouse to SUGGEST OR WELCOME a third into the house? Those words mean he wants her on board. What becomes vague is when people go and read a 9 year old profile and combine it with and make assumptions about the question. We're not answering the profile here. We're answering the question are we not? Hilly, Why are you still going on about this? The OP came back and made it crystal clear that he DID want to cheat. All of the questions have been answered. Why are you still posting as if the OP hadn't come back? In fact, your comments contradict what the OP himself has since revealed. Yes, we didn't know for certain that he wanted to cheat when he wrote the original message. But we do now. He has confessed as much. The profile DID provide additional info. It's your prerogative to not read it (I typically don't either). But in this case, I did think the profile made the picture much clearer than the post. After all, the profile is where most of us outline exactly what it is that we're looking for. And in this case, the profile is where he revealed that he wanted the relationship to be "discreet", that he wanted her to be young, that he wanted to be able to sneak over a few times a weak for sex, etc. You are assuming that he never updated his profile, and that all of the content was written in 2004. That may or may not be the case. But if he didn't change it, it may be because his interests and desires haven't changed. So the profile is relevant (IMO). But the bottom line is that the OP has made it clear that those who made assumptions were in fact RIGHT. Perhaps it was wrong of them to make those assumptions without full knowledge. But they have been proven right, so why are you not acknowledging that?

littlewonder -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 12:39:29 PM)
I think Hilly is unfortunately, still a bit bitter about his past marriage, and so the op hits something with him. I like ya and all Hilly but really....it really is time for you to move on and realize that life happens, differences happen and you learn from it and forget about the relationship. It's over. You have learned to have more communication and take your time in the future.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 12:53:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam How is it sneaking when you want the spouse to SUGGEST OR WELCOME a third into the house? Those words mean he wants her on board. What becomes vague is when people go and read a 9 year old profile and combine it with and make assumptions about the question. We're not answering the profile here. We're answering the question are we not? Hilly, Why are you still going on about this? The OP came back and made it crystal clear that he DID want to cheat. All of the questions have been answered. Why are you still posting as if the OP hadn't come back? In fact, your comments contradict what the OP himself has since revealed. Yes, we didn't know for certain that he wanted to cheat when he wrote the original message. But we do now. He has confessed as much. The profile DID provide additional info. It's your prerogative to not read it (I typically don't either). But in this case, I did think the profile made the picture much clearer than the post. After all, the profile is where most of us outline exactly what it is that we're looking for. And in this case, the profile is where he revealed that he wanted the relationship to be "discreet", that he wanted her to be young, that he wanted to be able to sneak over a few times a weak for sex, etc. You are assuming that he never updated his profile, and that all of the content was written in 2004. That may or may not be the case. But if he didn't change it, it may be because his interests and desires haven't changed. So the profile is relevant (IMO). But the bottom line is that the OP has made it clear that those who made assumptions were in fact RIGHT. Perhaps it was wrong of them to make those assumptions without full knowledge. But they have been proven right, so why are you not acknowledging that? yes, in post 94, he made the revelation that even though he hasn't, he might in the future. You seem to have missed my point totally whether deliberately or not that any time a male comes in with problems, it's pile on time and any time a female in the same situation comes in it's "Oh you poor dear". Some quotes from the first 60 or so posts. None of those was tainted with the knowledge of the OP's admission that "No I haven't cheated yet but I just might". "Your sex life died because of unexpressed expectations and years of resentments. Better if you just jerk off and go for marriage and individual therapy. If not, tell your kids the truth, that you broke up their home because you were too lazy to do any work to fix problems. But be prepared for them to follow in your path and not do any work in school. " "my guess is that your sex life is limited because you are a lousy lay." " Honestly, I think this post is disgusting. It leaves me feeling like I should take a shower. " "Hire a pro. Edit to remove the word : Idiot. " "you are a lousy lay because you're LAZY, expecting HER to do all the work. Maybe if you got down and got BUSY your wife would finally be interested in having sex with you." "Sex doesn't disappear on its own. It gets turned off slowly due to inattention. " "While my experience is of course not statistically significant, in every case I heard about it was inattention" Lynch Mob much? Of course, we all know that the ONLY reason sex doesn't work among married folk is that it's the man's fault.[8\|]

Rochsub2009 -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:06:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam You seem to have missed my point totally whether deliberately or not that any time a male comes in with problems, it's pile on time and any time a female in the same situation comes in it's "Oh you poor dear". I've seen that in Ask a Mistress, but I wouldn't say that it's the case overall. I've seen plenty of females get destroyed on these message boards. We tend to be equal opportunity destroyers. [:D] But seriously, I think that there are far more males who come here with fantasies driven by porn, and they treat the ladies like kink dispensers rather than like people. And when they do, they receive the wrath of the ladies. Women seem less likely to post unrealistic porn-inspired questions. So women don't feel the wrath quite as often as the men do. In this case, it was a bit of a sensitive topic. Anytime a guy even implies that he's going to cheat on his wife, he is going to get pounced on by the lynch mob. That's just what happens around here. Even among this kinky crowd (where polyamory is totally accepted), cheating on spouses is frowned upon. It's been that way for as long as I've been on here. You should be used to it by now.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:13:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam Lynch Mob much? Of course, we all know that the ONLY reason sex doesn't work among married folk is that it's the man's fault.[8\|] While I agree with you that a lot of posters have short triggers when they suspect infidelity, I would like to point out that there is very good evidence in the opening post that this guy IS inattentive by the way he describes what he's looking for in a third. Reading his profile again emphasize the point that it's very likely that this guy is inattentive, again by the way he describes what he's looking for in a third. He wants somebody who's going to be no fuss, no effort, who does the housework, is sexually available when he wants to, and just obeys because she happens to have the self-identification of being a slave, while he doesn't want to have to put in time, attention or effort at all. If he's stating upfront that he's looking for a new woman with whom he doesn't have to put in effort in the relationship to get from it what he wants, it's really not that far fetched to assume that he's already taken the same attitude with the woman he already has.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:17:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam You seem to have missed my point totally whether deliberately or not that any time a male comes in with problems, it's pile on time and any time a female in the same situation comes in it's "Oh you poor dear". I've seen plenty of females get destroyed on these message boards. The only ones I've ever seen were CashDommes looking for pay piggies. Of course we're not certain of their gender are we?

LadyPact -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:18:55 PM)
Hill, I don't want you to feel like you are being ganged up on here, but I have to wonder if what lw suggests is correct. It didn't really sound like you were coming from a happy place relating your prior experience, so maybe it still stings some. Yes, there can be a gender bias around here on certain subjects. Cheating is one of them. Another is when new Dominants or submissives come around not knowing what they are doing or how to get started. I've expressed this opinion before on a few subjects. Personally, I don't care about the gender of somebody who is cheating. It's not an ethical practice, in My opinion. Other people don't have to share that opinion, but I'm entitled to My own. You won't catch Me going the "oh, you poor dear" route with either gender because I honestly believe that a person has options that are better than lying to the spouse before saying their sexual needs (which are generally wants) become more important than the person they are supposed to love. The guy hasn't cheated yet, but he's been lying by omission to his wife for darn near a decade. (Unless, of course, somebody wants to start up about how he might have told his wife about the account here for all of these years. [8\|]) That doesn't exactly suggest a healthy relationship between the parties as far as honesty and communication. Lacking those two areas right there can have an impact on sexual desire, at least to a female.

littlewonder -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:19:17 PM)
there have been quite a few women who got the same treatment....the women who want to cheat on their partner, the woman who treats her man like shit, the woman is is too naive to see what is happening.... So no I don't see it as just men. Maybe hang out in a few more forums.

Hillwilliam -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:28:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Hill, I don't want you to feel like you are being ganged up on here, but I have to wonder if what lw suggests is correct. It didn't really sound like you were coming from a happy place relating your prior experience, so maybe it still stings some. Yes, there can be a gender bias around here on certain subjects. Cheating is one of them. Another is when new Dominants or submissives come around not knowing what they are doing or how to get started. I've expressed this opinion before on a few subjects. Personally, I don't care about the gender of somebody who is cheating. It's not an ethical practice, in My opinion. Other people don't have to share that opinion, but I'm entitled to My own. You won't catch Me going the "oh, you poor dear" route with either gender because I honestly believe that a person has options that are better than lying to the spouse before saying their sexual needs (which are generally wants) become more important than the person they are supposed to love. The guy hasn't cheated yet, but he's been lying by omission to his wife for darn near a decade. (Unless, of course, somebody wants to start up about how he might have told his wife about the account here for all of these years. [8\|]) That doesn't exactly suggest a healthy relationship between the parties as far as honesty and communication. Lacking those two areas right there can have an impact on sexual desire, at least to a female. I don't feel I'm ganged up on at all. I'm the one who figuratively unsheathed his sword and jumped into the mob. This isn't the first time I've brought up gender bias here. A couple of years ago, one of our regular posters was in I admit" basically saying that her husband had found out something she had done and her marriage was probably over and it was all "OHHHHH you poor dear, if you need anyone to talk to, we're here for you" At the exact same time, the exact same posters were on another part of the forum ripping another guy to shreds because he was wanting out of a sexless marriage basically saying the same shit that was said here. You're lazy, You're no good in bed, you're clumsy, you don't pay attention. They weren't happy when I called on it either.

tj444 -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 1:45:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam He wants to know how to get his wife to suggest or welcome a sub to serve in the house. How is it sneaking when you want the spouse to SUGGEST OR WELCOME a third into the house? Those words mean he wants her on board. yeah but it is pretty clear to me he is dreaming.. total fantasy.. cuz just the little he has attempted to talk with/to her about fell flat on its ass and so he could be Houdini and not magically make her actually want another female in the marriage.. its sorta like hoping you will win the Powerball (& he probably has a better chance of that than getting her anywhere near what he wants).. just sayin'

metamorfosis -> RE: How Do I get my wife to agree???? (8/13/2013 2:03:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis I like "what ifs" and feel that, now that it's clear he wanted to cheat, the original question posed in the OP has been thoroughly discussed and the "what ifs" are all there is left to talk about. I guess I don't understand your thought process on this. The OP cleared up just about every "what if" that you've thrown and I don't see how any of them have applied. I might have missed it, but I didn't even see any comments from the OP about improving his sex life at home. That's absolutely true, he did not make any such comments. And yet, taking the absence of such comments to mean that he made no such effort is still an assumption. I will grant you, it's probably a pretty safe assumption. But it's an assumption nonetheless. It was never a fact. A number of assumptions have been made on this thread. That's all descrite was saying. quote: He just wanted to know how he could get his wife to agree to him having sex with a woman who maintains her own residence who could give him blow jobs and sex on the side. I think it's slightly unfair to keep insisting that's true without conceding you never knew it for a fact, that it wasn't absolutely clear until now. He wanted to know how to get his wife to agree to something, that's all. He said she didn't know of his interest in BDSM and his desire to take a sex slave into their relationship. He didn't say she never agreed to let him fuck other women. So for all anyone knew, she had agreed to the open relationship part and all he was asking about was how to introduce BDSM into their relationship. I will grant you: that was unlikely, but not impossible. Because it was not impossible, deciding that he really was trying to cheat required an assumption on the part of any poster who thought so. I thought so. I made the very same assumption. I think it was a perfectly reasonable assumption to make. And yet, it was still an assumption, until now, nobody knew that for a fact. That is all I'm trying to get you to recognize. In passing, I would also like to point out that it's not unreasonable for someone who's not getting enough sex from their spouse to seek it elsewhere. Of course, it's completely reasonable that that they get their spouse's consent first, and that they provide some value in exchange for what they are getting. quote: So, what is the point of the "maybe they had an open marriage in 2004" when it's pretty obvious that they didn't... "Maybe" and "pretty obvious" are the operative words here. If you don't like to consider maybes, if you prefer to act on the idea that what it "pretty obvious" is the same as fact, you are free to do so. When I first responded to this thread I made the same assumptions you did, and I still think they were warranted. And now, at the end of the thread, I would offer the OP the same advice I did at the very beginning. If you ask me why I'm now speculating about obscure possibilities and posters' psychological motivations for postings, the answer is: because we've pretty much covered the principal angle here, and I happen to think such speculation is interesting. If you don't, you are free not to respond to my posts, or even read them. quote: or throwing a bunch of junk out there about how people came down on him for being new when he's been here for a decade? I believe what I actually said was more like, it is interesting to consider how many posters were willing to give him the benefit of the doubt versus those who weren't, and whether that says anything about the posters themselves, whether it affects forum dynamics, or whether the responses would have been any different if this hadn't been a new poster. I think those are all interesting, valid questions, but if you think they are "junk" you are free not to consider them. Despite what you may think, I was not trying to suggest anything by the asking, merely raise a debate. Because, like I said, I think these are interesting topics to consider. I also think it would be interesting to consider whether posters would have responded differently if the OP had been female, but I didn't say so before now. And the fundamental topic has been exhausted. Anyone who had any opinion on him cheating on his spouse, or converting her to BDSM, or adding a sex slave to their household, must have already given their opinion on those issues. So, we can start discussing other topics related to the OP, or we can call it quits. I want to discuss the tangents.

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