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How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 2:39:38 PM   
AaNiMaLl


Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.
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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 2:45:23 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl
How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.

No. It does not look crazy to them. In fact it all looks pretty normal and underwhelming unless, of course, you are trying to make the see it as crazy. I gather from the way you've written your post that you are.

I have never had a hard time explaining my relationship to a vanilla person. Honestly, it's always the BDSM folks who seem to have the great list o' rules.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 2:54:03 PM   
metamorfosis


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl
How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them.


If you're compelled to explain at all, just say how you feel. If they can't accept that, then fuck 'em.


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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 2:55:42 PM   
metamorfosis


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
No. It does not look crazy to them. In fact it all looks pretty normal and underwhelming unless, of course, you are trying to make the see it as crazy. I gather from the way you've written your post that you are.

I have never had a hard time explaining my relationship to a vanilla person. Honestly, it's always the BDSM folks who seem to have the great list o' rules.


Jeff, I seem to remember a thread you started about having to move, or having to leave your job, because you reveled to the wrong people the true nature of you and Carol.


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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 3:16:31 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I don't feel compelled to explain BDSM to 'nillas. When my lifestyle happens to catch a nilla's eye or the property tag on my slave and/or her respectful manner of addressing me and others raises a question, I explain it just like this, "we live an alt lifestyle". Usually not another word is required nor did the 'nilla really want a gory in-depth explanation in the first place.

I don't try to sell BDSM to 'nillas therefore they require no knowledge of the workings behind BDSM. If you find yourself new and enthused about BDSM, go to a leather munch and chat the topic up all you want.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 8/11/2013 3:17:08 PM >

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 3:43:16 PM   
littlewonder


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Status: offline 		I just say I'm in an old fashioned traditional relationship.


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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 3:48:07 PM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
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Status: offline 		I tell them to google it.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 4:21:38 PM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Good advice. Everything is on the internet these day's. Ignorance isn't a excuse anymore. If someone just wants to be biased, screw them. From my experience though from vanilla folks, most people don't care. I haven't really dealt with too  many negative people.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Winterapple

I tell them to google it.


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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 6:59:18 PM   
WebWanderer


Posts: 255
Joined: 5/20/2011
From: Fort Worth, TX
Status: offline 		Wikipedia to the rescue!

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who don't consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community and/or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle, and there is debate over whether a BDSM or kink sexual identity also constitutes a form of sexual orientation.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 7:11:25 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl
How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.

No. It does not look crazy to them. In fact it all looks pretty normal and underwhelming unless, of course, you are trying to make the see it as crazy. I gather from the way you've written your post that you are.

I have never had a hard time explaining my relationship to a vanilla person. Honestly, it's always the BDSM folks who seem to have the great list o' rules.


Ha! This is perfect! It IS always the BDSM folk with the list of rules.
But I say the same this RS says....alternative lifestyle. They usually just smile and say "oh ok". I know they have questions, but for some reason I've been told I have an aggressive demeanor about myself that deters ppl from asking any further question.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 8:10:19 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl

How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.


Explain it in real terms,..

"Marks", she said.

"Marks?", I said, while being careful not to look away from my work.

"Yes Master, Marks".

I'm a shibari and wax guy so making marks was not my forte. I was irritated and without turning from my work I quickly thought to end this with "Why would I want to mark your lovely ass with red marks and purple bruises? I love your beautiful self just the way you are ( how could I lose with this?),and your skin glows as if you were the setting sun when we do our thing together, especially in The Cage.

I knew this would remind her how lovely she was bond in that large cold foreboding steel bar cage at the club and she would forget this train of thought. Knowing I had got my way yet again, I turned back to my work while planning to finish early and maybe go online and straighten out the Gorean crowd later if time allowed.

Almost as if I had never said a thing, Star placed in front of me and over my work a picture of her very best friend, the blonde in St.Louis with the loveliest clean sharp red marks freshly laid down on the second sexiest female submissive on planet Earth or Gor, I know because I've been there, and looking down at that blond high heeled image with leather collar and tanned legs I realized this was not going to go my way today. At all. And it was probably a good thing.

"Marks", she said.

"Marks", I said.





< Message edited by Arturas -- 8/11/2013 8:13:17 PM >

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 8:19:40 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
on planet Earth or Gor, I know because I've been there

You've been on planet Gor, and lived to write about it?

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 8:27:19 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis
Jeff, I seem to remember a thread you started about having to move, or having to leave your job, because you reveled to the wrong people the true nature of you and Carol.

We had some friends. They were not vanilla. They were BDSM. They couldn't cope with M/s. No job. No loss really at all. Obviously, they weren't much of friends. As I said, at least for me it's always the BDSM folks that seem to have the great list o' rules. Vanila folks see that we are happy and seem to be good with that.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 8:41:14 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I don't feel compelled to explain BDSM to 'nillas.

Same here. Primarily because I feel that our sex life is no one else's business. The same as someone else's sex life is none of my business.




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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 9:13:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Do your friends normally sit you down and tell you who decides if the toilet paper is put on over or under? Or who decided what color the new sofa cushions will be?

Or how they had sex last night?

Because if they aren't going to lead with explaining their relationship, why would you think they want to know about yours?

When people have had questions, as to why I asked if it was okay with him if I went out for coffee, I just looked at them as though they had two heads and explained that I like to check so I don't screw up his plans. That this is part of how I show love. And that I don't understand those who believe love should be all take and no give.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 10:55:24 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl

How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.


Unless you're explaining it to your granny, you won't find anyone who doesn't know about BDSM. Secretary, Fifty Shades - it's all pretty mainstream now. Our local poundshop sells furry handcuffs and riding crops. They may not know the abbreviations or understand the nuances, but you won't find someone our age that has never heard of people being turned on by power exchange, pain or bondage.

When it comes to explaining power exchange outside the bedroom, that's pretty simple since the male wearing the pants is how 'traditional' relationships have worked. Other explanations include 'I like taking care of my man' or 'he makes most of the decisions'. I've never had to explain further than that or had any odd reactions. In fact, it almost never comes up since D/s relationships are not all that different to vanilla ones from the outside.

If we're talking about bringing it up with someone you're dating, I'd suggest a simple 'I'm a bit kinky, want me to tie you up?'. She might not be into it, but she won't be shocked or think you're crazy unless she happens to be Amish.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 11:39:34 PM   
PreviouslyVC


Posts: 14
Joined: 2/27/2013
Status: offline 		FR

There's a guy at work who very cheerfully and loudly says to anyone who will listen at any available opportunity, 'I picked the right woman so as I didn't have to make any more decisions ever, and let me tell you it was the best decision I ever made.' I think the key is the cheerfulness. When you tell someone something you give them vocal cues as to how to respond - if they should smile politely, if they should laugh, if they should be worried. (Incidentally, this is one of the reasons deadpan comedy is so funny - humour comes from dissonance, and the dissonance between funny words and a straight face is huge.)

Just give 'em a (very) brief and non-graphic outline with a smile on your face, and keep smiling like what you've just said is wonderful and you know how happy they're going to be for you as you wait for their reaction.

Don't say things like 'this must look crazy to you.' 1) You're just encouraging them to think you're crazy. 2) You have no idea what would or would not look crazy to them. Often perfectly normal people will have previously encountered crazy so huge and what-the-fuck-inducing that your penchant for being a bit bossy with your partner is on a par with the way that their Aunt Jemima genuinely appears to enjoy playing monopoly* in contrast.

---

*I am sure that there are people out there who genuinely enjoy playing monopoly, because it can't have been invented solely as a torture device. I have NOT MET ANY OF THESE PEOPLE YET, but I suspect that they might well be just a little bit crazy.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/11/2013 11:58:19 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl

How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.

Y'know, it seems to me the problem is not how to explain, but why people notice. Could it be ... that someone is acting out?

Just a thought...

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 12:55:47 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Almost every mall here in the USA has a store called "Spencers". They are always selling kink related stuff and have been for year's. I think most people these days has at least heard of BDSM,fetish or whatever at some point. Now whether that public information is good or bad, depends on the source. Either way though, BDSM is now out in Mainstream society.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders


quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl

How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them. That love is for one person to have total control. Whereas, the "traditional" notion of a relationship is an equal partnership, in which each person maintains their independence.


Unless you're explaining it to your granny, you won't find anyone who doesn't know about BDSM. Secretary, Fifty Shades - it's all pretty mainstream now. Our local poundshop sells furry handcuffs and riding crops. They may not know the abbreviations or understand the nuances, but you won't find someone our age that has never heard of people being turned on by power exchange, pain or bondage.

When it comes to explaining power exchange outside the bedroom, that's pretty simple since the male wearing the pants is how 'traditional' relationships have worked. Other explanations include 'I like taking care of my man' or 'he makes most of the decisions'. I've never had to explain further than that or had any odd reactions. In fact, it almost never comes up since D/s relationships are not all that different to vanilla ones from the outside.

If we're talking about bringing it up with someone you're dating, I'd suggest a simple 'I'm a bit kinky, want me to tie you up?'. She might not be into it, but she won't be shocked or think you're crazy unless she happens to be Amish.


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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 1:06:07 AM   
bydemand


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/8/2013
Status: offline 		Saw that fifty shades book on tv the other night..
with "tim taylors" new character in his sitcom..
bad choice to figure out what it is... but is obviously in the public realm.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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