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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 1:11:28 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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It's a bad example if people are reading it as a how-to manual or thinking that it's a documentary account of real BDSM relationships. But the fact that it is such a popular work of fiction, whatever people think about the quality, means that kink is mainstream and conversations like 'I'm kinky' should be easier than ever.

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Post #: 21

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 1:14:55 AM

Charles6682

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Just wait til "50 Shades of Grey" the movie comes out next year. Everyone in England will need to call the national Fire Dept(if there is one) to get people out of handcuffs because they saw the movie.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bydemand

Saw that fifty shades book on tv the other night..
with "tim taylors" new character in his sitcom..
bad choice to figure out what it is... but is obviously in the public realm.

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Post #: 22

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 7:28:35 AM

MasterCaneman

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

Just wait til "50 Shades of Grey" the movie comes out next year. Everyone in England will need to call the national Fire Dept(if there is one) to get people out of handcuffs because they saw the movie.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bydemand

Saw that fifty shades book on tv the other night..
with "tim taylors" new character in his sitcom..
bad choice to figure out what it is... but is obviously in the public realm.

Gee, I hope so. When it does, I'll leave my number with the local PD and fire department so I can charge folks to pick the locks. I got good at doing that at the club. Wonder how much I should ask for?

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Post #: 23

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 7:30:09 AM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl
How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla?

50 Shades of Grey has been on the best seller list for a very long time now. I don't think there are many people out there who still don't know that BDSM exists. Perhaps you're not giving people enough credit.

But the real question is WHY do you feel the need to explain it? Are you just feeling the need to "out" yourself to your co-workers? Have you met a vanilla girl that you'd like to introduce to kinky sex?

We could answer your question in a more helpful way if we had a better understanding of your reason for wanting to explain BDSM to someone.

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Post #: 24

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 7:31:59 AM

mnottertail

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Explaining BDSM?

At some point, Daddy will park the cadillac in the garage.

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RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 8:21:31 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
But the real question is WHY do you feel the need to explain it? Are you just feeling the need to "out" yourself to your co-workers? Have you met a vanilla girl that you'd like to introduce to kinky sex?

Remembering that for Carol and I this has nothing to do with sex...

Generally, I don't feel the need to explain it. I choose to explain it for various reasons... most commonly that someone has become close enough to Carol and I that it has become important that they understand this part of us. For me it has a lot to do with words like "authenticity" and "integrity". Sometimes it's for other reasons that are more situational. But nobody would ever be my "friend" without knowing about my marriage. You can't really be my "friend" and not know about such a key part of my life.

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Post #: 26

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 2:08:26 PM

HarryVanWinkle

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quote:

ORIGINAL: metamorfosis

quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl
How do you explain BDSM to a Vanilla? The only answer that I can say is that it doesn't follow any logic. It is in my DNA, running in my blood and I feel it. However, I know that it must look crazy to them.

If you're compelled to explain at all, just say how you feel. If they can't accept that, then fuck 'em.

Actually, if they can't accept that, then there's no way I'll fuck 'em.

But seriously, I have no more interest in trying to explain the attraction I feel to BDSM to a vanilla than I have in trying to explain "blue" to a person who's been blind since birth.

(in reply to metamorfosis)

Post #: 27

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 2:13:22 PM

AaNiMaLl

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I like the quote from Marilyn Manson when he said, 'for those who still think missionary is the norm'. BDSM is widely well known. However, it is not the technical empirical definition that is difficult to explain.

I am not trying to DEFEND myself. I want to EXPLAIN to them the psychology of it so that they can understand as well. It is because everyone already knows what I am and it is interesting to talk about and analyse. The question is, why is one person controlling another person healthy for both people? Why is this a natural human relationship?

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 28

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 2:30:37 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl
I am not trying to DEFEND myself. I want to EXPLAIN to them the psychology of it so that they can understand as well. It is because everyone already knows what I am and it is interesting to talk about and analyse. The question is, why is one person controlling another person healthy for both people? Why is this a natural human relationship?

Actually, the few times that I've observed this problem happening the BDSM person wasn't trying to defend either. They were trying to shock and that's exactly the reaction they got which then enabled them to throw up their hands and say "Vanillas just don't get it"

The funny thing is I just got back from visiting an 87 year old vanilla woman who knows that one word to describe Carol is "slave". She also knows (sans names) of Ishtar's relationship with "brutal punishment including whipping to the point of blood". In other words, I haven't found the need to pull any punches. I just approached the topics laying the groundwork first. We talked about this very thread. By the way, she likes it that she's become my poster child for "Sure you can explain this stuff to vanillas." At 87 years old, christian, and having previously been battered I think she makes a pretty good poster child although I readily admit she's an exceptional woman.

For Carol and I the explanation is as simple as, "I'm a natural born leader and she prefers to defer and we've taken that ball and run with it to some ridiculous extremes." It isn't hard to explain or understand. In a bit more detail, I like to guide, care, and protect those I'm responsible for... those "in my pack". I take that responsibility seriously but it's a heck of a lot easier to deliver on it from the driver's seat. Carol likes a pack and wants someone like me to create the pack, define her place in it, and tell her when she's "doing it right". This is all common human experience.

When we discuss SM this elderly woman gets it that it is simply an expression of love & connectedness in a language neither she nor I understand and don't need to understand. We're content to know it's a thing that works for some people and noodle around the edges as to why. But honestly, at some point preferences become inexplicable. Why do I prefer french vanilla ice cream over all others? I don't know but I do. Does it matter why?

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Post #: 29

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 3:13:06 PM

dollenburg

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The B stands for Bondage.
The D stands for Discipline.
The S stands for Sadism.
The M stands for Masochism.

(in reply to bydemand)

Post #: 30

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 4:42:19 PM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dollenburg
The B stands for Bondage.
The D stands for Discipline.
The S stands for Sadism.
The M stands for Masochism.

The B stands for Bondage.
The D stands for Discipline.
The SM stands for Sadomasochism.

When I entered the lifestyle in the 1971, BDSM was apart and separate from S&M (Sadism & Masochism) for many reasons.

The first and foremost reason was that sadism & masochism at that time were clinical disorders that would get you arrested and taken to the asylum for electroshock therapy.

Also S&M wasn't a common part of the hetro world. It was considered something rough, vicious and edgy that came from the gay crowd or it was practiced by the pro Dominatrices for their extreme clients. So S&M was separate from the sensual practices of BDSM, something for the gays, extreme edge players and pros.

What BDSM did represent was the softer sexual (and saner) interpretation of "sadomasochism" for the SM part of the acronym. It did not stand for S&M or sadism and masochism. Sadomasochism had a strong sexual connotation back then and it avoiding associating BDSM with sadism or masochism because those were still considered extreme clinical disorders, even though the DSM has changed since then.

So in my world, BDSM was not B+D+S&M. It was B+D+SM and it had 3 simple meanings; Bondage, Discipline and Sadomasochism.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 8/12/2013 4:45:41 PM >

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Post #: 31

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 4:53:34 PM

metamorfosis

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle
Actually, if they can't accept that, then there's no way I'll fuck 'em.

Haha.

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Post #: 32

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 4:56:29 PM

Apocalypso

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When I mentioned casually to my gaming clan that I was going to a fetish market, their main reaction was to amuse themselves by making BDSM themed LOLCATS for a few days until they moved on to something new.

I think people overthink/overworry about this sometimes.

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Post #: 33

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 5:21:31 PM

littlewonder

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I notice it's almost always young male subs who make this post, asking about what to say to others about what they are and it alwasy makes me wonder just how exactly does this topic come up so very often. I mean, do you go around announcing to the world or crawling around on a leash in public or making barking noises all day long? I mean, otherwise, who would know? Why would they ask?

The only time I was asked was when I was with a bunch of friends having a movie night at my house. We were all watching "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". The scene came on where they were slamming each other against the walls and fucking and just having a really rough, fun time and we all started laughing and talking about our sex lives so of course I said I found the scene sexy and hot and of course they started asking and mentioning "ooohh...so that's why you have always have bruises!". We all just laughed and they joke around with me from time to time asking about my rough and tumble sex.

Any other time someone has brought it up was the women I know who are staunch femnazis and have seen my traditional relationships and they think I'm a sellout to women. I just shrug it off and go back to whatever I was doing.

But never once have I ever felt a need to start a conversation about it or announce it to anyone.

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Post #: 34

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 5:43:02 PM

Anatolium

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I notice it's almost always young male subs

Methinks it's because they're the most passive of males.

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Post #: 35

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 5:45:10 PM

littlewonder

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I'm thinking it's more that they like the shock value. Young kids seem to like to do that a lot. They also get so sexed up that their libido is so out of control that they can't seem to contain it.

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Post #: 36

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 5:53:26 PM

Anatolium

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Joined: 7/22/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm thinking it's more that they like the shock value. Young kids seem to like to do that a lot. They also get so sexed up that their libido is so out of control that they can't seem to contain it.

This is true. We males are so horny that most female couldn't imagine how we can actually function, with sex being the first thought out of every three throughout our adult lives.

I think that's what turns men submissive but it's only a pet theory of mine so I just throw it out there but don't really want to defend it other than to say it's what makes ME submissive.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 37

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 6:02:06 PM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso
When I mentioned casually to my gaming clan that I was going to a fetish market, their main reaction was to amuse themselves by making BDSM themed LOLCATS for a few days until they moved on to something new.

This matches my experience with vanillas a lot more than "shock & horror".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Apocalypso)

Post #: 38

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 7:41:53 PM

Pyramus

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For some reason, I don't see the difference between Sadism and Masochism versus Sadomasochism?

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 39

RE: How to explain BDSM? - 8/12/2013 7:46:52 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I notice it's almost always young male subs who make this post, asking about what to say to others about what they are and it alwasy makes me wonder just how exactly does this topic come up so very often.

I see it from younger subs in general, regardless of gender.

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Post #: 40

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