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Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:18:35 PM

Nerosadist

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How do you explain to a sub/slave that you have child. I do not want her involved nor do I want her dominant over a sub/ slave. How do I say that also still have time for them as well as the child.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:34:16 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nerosadist

How do you explain to a sub/slave that you have child.

"I have a child."

quote:

I do not want her involved

It's not healthy to introduce new parent figures too soon or confuse children about who is their parent figure. But, if you expect that to be the case forever, then I don't know how you could explain that without insulting your sub/slave.

quote:

nor do I want her dominant over a sub/ slave.

I'm trying to figure out what this is, the closest I can come up with is that you don't want you sub to have a sub/slave of their own? That's a dynamic thing that should get discussed before any agreements get made. But, honestly, unless you're willing to make a commitment to your submissive, you're not really in a position to make demands of monogamy.

quote:

How do I say that also still have time for them as well as the child.

Point out that people have relationships and children all the time. I'm assuming that if you're looking for a submissive that means you're single and probably have split custody - which automatically means that you would have time when you are not with your child.

But the reality is that if you don't want your submissive involved on any level with your child, that means that you're going to need to find someone that is willing to be treated like the other woman. Your child will come first, vacations and holidays will not be spent together.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/14/2013 12:36:17 PM >

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:44:37 PM

Nerosadist

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First sorry for the mistype we have child.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:44:44 PM

OsideGirl

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I just read your profile.....you seem to have left something vital out of your OP.

You already have a submissive. Which means that you have two people that come before the next one, if you're not willing to introduce them to your family.

You're looking for someone that is happy getting a scene, sex or play session a couple of times a month. That's a small pool of women.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:51:04 PM

Nerosadist

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I want her to come in and be a aunt to my child. To be a part of my fanily as well as my sub/ slave. When I was speaking off not being a Dom over the sub slave I was speaking of a slave I met here who thought my child in time should Dom her the slave.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:56:06 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nerosadist

I want her to come in and be a aunt to my child. To be a part of my fanily as well as my sub/ slave. When I was speaking off not being a Dom over the sub slave I was speaking of a slave I met here who thought my child in time should Dom her the slave.

I'm very confused because this contradicts your OP.

But as to the bolded part: Unless your child is anywhere close to being of legal age.....that statement should be a huge red flag to you. I can't believe you would even consider someone that want to involve your child in D/s.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:57:23 PM

Nerosadist

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I want them there all the time they just need to be normal around the child. You know where clothes sit on a chair relax. I grew up in a doms house and did not even know till I was in college.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 12:58:49 PM

Nerosadist

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Oh that was way over fast but it's what's got me asking this question.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 1:00:24 PM

Nerosadist

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Child is 2 1/2

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 1:10:38 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nerosadist

I want them there all the time they just need to be normal around the child. You know where clothes sit on a chair relax. I grew up in a doms house and did not even know till I was in college.

I should hope that goes without saying. If you're talking to women that aren't bright (or sane) enough to figure that out, you may want to change your search criteria.

I'll also add that since your child is so young, that you should hold off bringing another submissive into your home to live you (unless you treat it as room mate situation) or give that person authority over your child. Simply "date" that person and get to know them.

Poly relationships have an exceedingly high failure rate and having a succession of women coming through the house in a position of power will just confuse your child.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/14/2013 1:14:49 PM >

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 1:31:54 PM

Winterapple

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I would think introducing a new person into your home
and your child's life is something you would want to do
slowly and only after you've gotten to know the person
very well.

One thing you should factor in with this making the second
woman a aunt figure to your child is the effect it will have
on the child if the relationship doesn't work out between
you and the woman. If the child bonds with her and thinks
of her as family and then poof she disappears from the child's
life it could be very painful for the child.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 2:12:25 PM

Nerosadist

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I do wish to take our time in this search. With the aunt idea it was just that an idea I had two aunts in our home when my mother died I was in my last year of college and it was my two aunts who explained to me the family dynamic that I had lived in. I will admit it broke my heart when my dad released them due to grief. But I also remember all the love in that house.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 2:52:42 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nerosadist
How do you explain to a sub/slave that you have child. I do not want her involved nor do I want her dominant over a sub/ slave. How do I say that also still have time for them as well as the child.

You say, "I have a child". Honestly, if anything more need be said I'd wonder why you were even pondering that slave.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 3:29:19 PM

Nerosadist

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I considered her because she was one of a few that did not stop talking the moment I told them.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 4:21:46 PM

TieMeInKnottss

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First, I am a parent...second I am a sub/slave. My kids are part of my vanilla world. The same way I would not take my Dom to the company Christmas party & intro him as my "owner" nor would I be inviting him to work events until I had been with him a while. THIS IS HOW PARENTS SHOULD BE- vanilla or kinky!!! Yes, you tell anyone you consider dating that you have a child but THAT IS IT!!! There is no need for the child to know, beyond "Mommy is going out tonight" and nothing for the date to know other than, a part of your life is being a parent. I would not even BEGIN with "how to insinuate someone into the home" until a commitment is made!! I have been dating a Dom here for 6 months or so... The ONE time he met my oldest son, he was intro'd as a "friend"-same as I would have intro'd someone from my book club or the pool.

One thing that completely infuriates me (and there is VERY little that does) is people who drag a series of "aunts" and "uncles" through their kids' lives. First, the instability-yes we all have friends and neighbors that pass through but that is MUCH different from someone that your child sees you involved with and who "plays" family with you all!!! Two-even people who LOVE children do not necessarily find every child easy to get along with and vice versa. Many people without kids are not familiar with how it is to live with and raise kids...very different from the "when I have a child...he/she will do..." Concept. THREE- I have known people who become more attached to the children of an ex-BF or GF who then feel trapped & stay because they love the kid more than the kid's parent! FOUR- it is your child!!!! His/her emotional and physical safety WILL ALWAYS be more important than your need to be loved, to get laid, to have a sig other!!!M

Forget all of the other crap beyond " my name is X. Yes, I have a son/daughter who is Xyrs old". After that, you decide if you like and are interested in each other...whether you are compatiable, share common goals... THEN...once you know you want this person as a PERMANENT fixture in your life-you intro the kid and the adult. ONLY after this and after the child indicates being adjusted to the concept do You worry about titles and living arrangements!!!!

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 4:56:21 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nerosadist

How do you explain to a sub/slave that you have child. I do not want her involved nor do I want her dominant over a sub/ slave. How do I say that also still have time for them as well as the child.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nerosadist

I want her to come in and be a aunt to my child. To be a part of my fanily as well as my sub/ slave. When I was speaking off not being a Dom over the sub slave I was speaking of a slave I met here who thought my child in time should Dom her the slave.

Make up your mind. Is she going to be involved in the child's life or not? Do you want your child to Domme the new woman or not?

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 5:17:40 PM

Nerosadist

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I agree with every thing you are saying I suppose I was just in unusual situation growing up.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 5:23:33 PM

Nerosadist

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Darksteven yes she would be involved. And no the child would never Dom her EVER

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 5:43:24 PM

deliriuminabox

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Honestly, OP, if the main reason you're even considering this person is because she didn't run away when you mentioned having a child, are you really sure she's a match at all? There's so much more to consider in a poly relationship and then you add into that the fact that there is a young child in the home, a child who will potentially become emotionally attached to whomever you bring in, things become way more complicated than just ... Is she gonna run away?

I kind of get the feeling you're in danger of putting the cart before the horse here.

Slow it down. Waaaay down. You don't have to move this woman into your home or have her around your child anytime soon. Treat it like you would if you were a single parent; you and your current submissive take the time to really get to know her and establish if she's actually going to be around long-term before you even introduce her and the child to one another.

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RE: Doms with kids - 8/14/2013 7:27:05 PM

NuevaVida

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It's hard for me to understand what you're wanting, but I'll give some input anyway.

I have no kids and my Mister has a daughter. He told me outright, and it was fine with me, at the time. Because he was careful in parenting his child, I did not meet her for a few months, until he knew he and I were serious about a future together. I respected that.

He was totally up front with all of it.

Now I am very, very close with his daughter. I am not a parent to her, nor am I her "aunt." I don't live in lies. In her eyes, I am her Dad's girlfriend, and her friend and mentor.

As a woman without kids, being with a man who IS a parent, it has, at times, been very hard. Sure he has time for me but many times my own wants and needs came after what his daughter wanted or needed. And that is how it SHOULD be (mostly - sometimes I came after her whims, whines, teenaged antics, etc., which we've had some issues over), but it took a lot of love and patience on my part to hang in there during those times. Many times it felt as though my life revolved around someone else's child, and I struggled with that.

But we always talked openly about it, and we were always very honest with each other about what we thought and felt.

I'm getting from your posts that you are not comfortable just being up front and honest about things, and that's going to be a problem for you going forward. It is BECAUSE we could be so honest about things, that they worked out as well as they did.

I will say, though, if I somehow found myself single again, I doubt very much I'd go out with a man with kids again, unless they were grown, responsible adults.

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