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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 11:59:03 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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needles,

I just don't see how making judgments on situations where we know nothing of the facts is nothing more than an exercise to feed our own egos and sense of "better than." What is the point? And people are so eager to participate in that. So you say I am judging? I am just asking people to look at their own motivations. I am constantly asking myself to look at my own motivations. I am constantly asking myself at this stage in my life to always question my own motivations when it comes to my actions.

I hate to get all zen on people. It's just where I am in my life right now. I apologize for that. But if I do something in my life and the outcome isn't net positive I don't see the point.

People are eager to participate in the discussion involving judging the acts of others (gossiping, basically) who don't even exist, where no one can judge (as if they even have the RIGHT) because they don't have the facts. I don't care about the circumstances - people immediately say "well you don't know how damaging cheating can be," -- yes you have a point. But no one is talking about specifics. This is just an opportunity to throw out a blanket term "cheating" so everyone can get on a high horse and proclaim how superior they are, and people are climbing over each other to do so. It says way more about the people than the cheaters. It's convenient that the circumstances are not defined.

I have learned a lot about the people of CM considering this is one of the most popular threads on CM, meanwhile posts about real kink are just met with inside jokes. It's no wonder new people don't post.

Akasha

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(in reply to needlesandpins)

Post #: 101

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 11:59:19 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

I am open to all opinions and have not suggested otherwise.

The only things I've judged here is my own behavior and my ex's. If I seem to have judged others it was a miscommunication. Or a misinterpretation on your part.

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Post #: 102

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 12:32:14 PM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

needles,

I just don't see how making judgments on situations where we know nothing of the facts is nothing more than an exercise to feed our own egos and sense of "better than." What is the point? And people are so eager to participate in that. So you say I am judging? I am just asking people to look at their own motivations. I am constantly asking myself to look at my own motivations. I am constantly asking myself at this stage in my life to always question my own motivations when it comes to my actions.

I hate to get all zen on people. It's just where I am in my life right now. I apologize for that. But if I do something in my life and the outcome isn't net positive I don't see the point.

People are eager to participate in the discussion involving judging the acts of others (gossiping, basically) who don't even exist, where no one can judge (as if they even have the RIGHT) because they don't have the facts. I don't care about the circumstances - people immediately say "well you don't know how damaging cheating can be," -- yes you have a point. But no one is talking about specifics. This is just an opportunity to throw out a blanket term "cheating" so everyone can get on a high horse and proclaim how superior they are, and people are climbing over each other to do so. It says way more about the people than the cheaters. It's convenient that the circumstances are not defined.

I have learned a lot about the people of CM considering this is one of the most popular threads on CM, meanwhile posts about real kink are just met with inside jokes. It's no wonder new people don't post.

Akasha

you are telling others what to do. the fact that you seem to think that you have no holier than thou superiority complex going on there is misguided.

do you not think that those of us posting against cheating don't look at our own motivations?

again the thread asked for opinions, therefore whether others think them judgemental or not we can post them as we see fit. as with any topic where there will be differing opinions you should expect there to be some judgement of what others write, for or against the subject. You should also expect that their will be question marks put against some of those opinions. otherwise all we end up with is yes people, and no topic.

the fact that this is in general off topic mean that people don't care whether it's bdsm related or not. it applies to all relationships.

it would seem we all have differing opinions on what growth is too. to me it's admitting that I/we screwed someone else over in a very bad way for my/our own selfish gratification. the whys and wherefores behind it don't change the facts of that. that is what cheating on another is. it's something as a grown person I will never repeat. knowing it from both sides I will never condone it from anyone. everyone has the choice. if you have the ability to cheat, you have the ability to walk away.

I think no worse of anyone in this thread for having cheated on their partners. it's the act, and the pain it causes that I condemn.

needles

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I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

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Post #: 103

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 12:34:41 PM

doctorgrey

Posts: 373
Status: offline

FR

ANY opinion is judgemental.

DrG

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Post #: 104

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 3:40:08 PM

pissdoll

Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

actually this thread is about cheating, not other things.

so someone who wakes up in the morning with the happiest marriage to the most wonderful partner who is perfect in every way, suddenly walks out their door with the overwhelming desire to commit adultery?

mother teresa didn't marry hitler. so i'm not going to name call and immediately condemn a cheater as the sole reason for a marriage's demise. i usually suspect that the blame goes 50-50 overall, and maybe even 60-40. but i don't know of any marriage where one person was an angel and the other was satan. cheating is crappy and it sucks and hurts. but so do a lot of other bad things that happen in marriage...many that lead up to the decision where cheating is suddenly an acceptable option.

(in reply to needlesandpins)

Post #: 105

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 4:22:09 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
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My favorite family law judge liked to say that Snow White didn't marry Attila the Hun ^^

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Post #: 106

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 5:12:33 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

The last thing I need you to do is feel sorry for me. You can pack your bags and take them elsewhere. I told you what I thought of this thread early on, and you've stayed to true to the awful tone you struck in the OP, even here without cause. The last thing I ever intend to do is run around blaming my partners for whatever failings or short comings or private motivations they might have. This goes all the way back to everyone I've ever been involved with.

Don't ever count me in with the relationship police; keep me out that circle.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 107

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 8:08:09 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

So your partner can do absolutely anything at all and you're ok with it all??

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Post #: 108

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/18/2013 8:54:08 PM

Moonlightmaddnes

Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline

I never understood why people cheat. If a person is so unhappy then leave. My neighbor met his wife while he was cheating and then she was stunned and horrified when he cheated on her. I had to laugh at her and say you met him when he was cheating, what did you expect?!?!

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Post #: 109

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 12:07:25 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
needles,

I just don't see how making judgments on situations where we know nothing of the facts is nothing more than an exercise to feed our own egos and sense of "better than." What is the point? And people are so eager to participate in that. So you say I am judging? I am just asking people to look at their own motivations. I am constantly asking myself to look at my own motivations. I am constantly asking myself at this stage in my life to always question my own motivations when it comes to my actions.

I hate to get all zen on people. It's just where I am in my life right now. I apologize for that. But if I do something in my life and the outcome isn't net positive I don't see the point.

People are eager to participate in the discussion involving judging the acts of others (gossiping, basically) who don't even exist, where no one can judge (as if they even have the RIGHT) because they don't have the facts. I don't care about the circumstances - people immediately say "well you don't know how damaging cheating can be," -- yes you have a point. But no one is talking about specifics. This is just an opportunity to throw out a blanket term "cheating" so everyone can get on a high horse and proclaim how superior they are, and people are climbing over each other to do so. It says way more about the people than the cheaters. It's convenient that the circumstances are not defined.

I have learned a lot about the people of CM considering this is one of the most popular threads on CM, meanwhile posts about real kink are just met with inside jokes. It's no wonder new people don't post.

Akasha

I know this was addressed to needles but just a couple of cents to throw in there.

I am harsh on the topic of cheating. I know this. Mostly because of who I am and the person that I married. I said this on the other thread, but I really am very much of the mind that folks shouldn't marry a person in the military if they can't either a) deal with no sex when they are apart or b) have some kind of agreement between the spouses.

Infidelity in military households gets reported at a higher rate than on national average. It's pretty serious business when there is a guy deployed somewhere who isn't worth a damn because he's in tears due to finding out his wife is sleeping with somebody back home. It sucks when My husband has to go sit "suicide watch" because one of his soldiers got cheated on or gets called in the middle of the night because that person just caught their spouse and MP has to deal with the problem (whatever that might be).

One of the few benefits about this particular placement is that he doesn't have to do that here. When we go to the next place, he will.

_____________________________

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(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 110

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 5:54:56 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

FR:

One thing I find fascinating about this forum is that the members collectively hold to a strong principle of 'judge not lest you be judged.' We don't want our own relationships policed, and attempt to refrain from policing the relationships of others.

There are some exceptions to the above, anyone who condoned incest, pedophilia or bestiality would be promptly shown the door, w/o the aid of a moderator. Some other practices, such as scat, forced feeding, amputation fetishes can also get a hard rap, although as a group we tend to be less 'judgmental.'

The idea that anyone can *not* be judgmental in their opinions is a complete fallacy. To be human is to have the ability to discern and judge the actions and motivations of others. Where one person draws a line, another does not. The idea that this makes someone 'better' or 'less judgmental' is in itself a judgement call.

What someone feels about cheaters is again a judgement call almost certainly based on individual experience. Many people have been hurt badly b/c of partners or parents or whoever's cheating. In the end, cheating is a utterly selfish way of dealing with internal pain, and although I understand how and why someone could be in such a place, it's not an activity I can condone.

For those who think this is me being the relationship police, I can only wonder what deep feelings of guilt underlie their judgement call.

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Post #: 111

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 7:48:22 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

FR

I believe anyone is entitled to have an opinion towards cheating in general and I do not see this as gossip. It's a discussion of beliefs, experiences and thoughts. Now, the original thread where this stemmed from may have been more gossip-like, but not this one.

I, too, find this thread interesting. How we view things are often shaped by our personal experiences, or lack of. I know my personal experience had changed my views completely.

I also do not believe anyone on this thread had a "holier-than-thou" attitude other than those claiming some to have a "holier-than-thou" attitude.

If this appears to be a more popular thread than, say, shoving a dildo into a sub male's mouth, that's because cheating affects a wide range of people, not just one specific group.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 112

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 7:55:14 AM

Moonlightmaddnes

Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
needles,

I just don't see how making judgments on situations where we know nothing of the facts is nothing more than an exercise to feed our own egos and sense of "better than." What is the point? And people are so eager to participate in that. So you say I am judging? I am just asking people to look at their own motivations. I am constantly asking myself to look at my own motivations. I am constantly asking myself at this stage in my life to always question my own motivations when it comes to my actions.

I hate to get all zen on people. It's just where I am in my life right now. I apologize for that. But if I do something in my life and the outcome isn't net positive I don't see the point.

People are eager to participate in the discussion involving judging the acts of others (gossiping, basically) who don't even exist, where no one can judge (as if they even have the RIGHT) because they don't have the facts. I don't care about the circumstances - people immediately say "well you don't know how damaging cheating can be," -- yes you have a point. But no one is talking about specifics. This is just an opportunity to throw out a blanket term "cheating" so everyone can get on a high horse and proclaim how superior they are, and people are climbing over each other to do so. It says way more about the people than the cheaters. It's convenient that the circumstances are not defined.

I have learned a lot about the people of CM considering this is one of the most popular threads on CM, meanwhile posts about real kink are just met with inside jokes. It's no wonder new people don't post.

Akasha

I know this was addressed to needles but just a couple of cents to throw in there.

I am harsh on the topic of cheating. I know this. Mostly because of who I am and the person that I married. I said this on the other thread, but I really am very much of the mind that folks shouldn't marry a person in the military if they can't either a) deal with no sex when they are apart or b) have some kind of agreement between the spouses.

Infidelity in military households gets reported at a higher rate than on national average. It's pretty serious business when there is a guy deployed somewhere who isn't worth a damn because he's in tears due to finding out his wife is sleeping with somebody back home. It sucks when My husband has to go sit "suicide watch" because one of his soldiers got cheated on or gets called in the middle of the night because that person just caught their spouse and MP has to deal with the problem (whatever that might be).

One of the few benefits about this particular placement is that he doesn't have to do that here. When we go to the next place, he will.

It was pretty bad when my husband was in. We were dating and this lady was jealous even though she was married and her husband was deployed. He tore up her congratulations note, it said something like congrats even though I think you are really stupid. I bet it wont last a year. LOL been 21 years now! Then our first apartment we had to move out of since the guy that rented the next room over was sleeping with a guys wife in his unit. The husband found out and while at work warned my husband that in the middle of the night when it is dark it is kinda hard to see who you are shooting. We moved out that weekend. But yeah there was a lot of cheating going on and this was in 1991 with no war going on.

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Post #: 113

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 7:56:42 AM

LondonLatexGimp

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/18/2013
From: London, UK
Status: offline

quote:

I'm not sure I 'condemn' those who cheat, that's a strong word. I do think they need to take a long hard look at themselves.

This is exactly what happened to me. I cheated on my wife at a time I didn't know I was as unhappy as I was. It made me think long and hard about what was going on in my life and set in train a load of events that led to divorce and much better and healthier relationships.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 114

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 9:36:42 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

Don't ever count me in with the relationship police; keep me out that circle.

No, you've elected yourself forum police. I'm sure I am not the only one hugely amused by that irony.

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Post #: 115

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 3:39:43 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Chatte, I don't think anyone here has actually condoned cheating. I've seen people describe what brought them to that point, but condone it? No.

As for me, I don't care about the judgments about my past. I judged myself harder than anyone here ever could have. I almost killed myself over it, due to self loathing. But I long ago reconciled that behavior, and had to come to understand the whys of it, so I could understand it, fix it, forgive myself for it, and make a better life for myself. Which I did. What people may think or say about my past is inconsequential to me now. We all have skeletons, after all.

What *does* bug me (and I'm working on that) is people questioning what I share about an emotional state I was in. Here's an idea: Nobody handles emotional trauma perfectly. To be told what I should have been able to handle just chaps me. Yes, I was traumatized and suicidal and I handled it terribly. This is why I refrain from name calling others who do things I disagree with. I'm not in their shoes. I have not lived in their households, or in their minds.

But I understand this is an emotionally charged topic, because people are deeply hurt by it. Just because I might be open to understanding it doesn't mean I support it. Hell, one of my dear friends revealed an affair to me and I told her I understand her but I don't support it, I don't want to hear about it, and she needs to go to therapy.

In any case, this has been interesting.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 116

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 4:01:49 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
I'm defining a cheater as someone who has agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and who lies to his/her spouse or partner or girl/boyfriend about who they have sex with. I am also including those who go behind the person's back and though they don't tell outright lies, they lie by omission.

What I think about cheaters has been well documented by my posts, but I'll restate that to me it means the person is lacking in personal integrity to a high degree. I think this b/c the person is not just lying to their spouse or partner or girl/boyfriend, but to them self. To cheat (to me) means you are very unhappy, but you don't have the guts to own up to it.

This is my opinion, what is yours?

The male must be faithful. The female has the prerogative to be adulterous - and be circumspect about it.

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"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 117

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 5:47:38 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

Rule, If you don't take the time to qualify your remarks... Do you honestly expect anyone else to put time into deciphering them...
You have a problem communicating your ideas man! Put some lead up or introduction into your posts for crying out loud... Or some kind of inkling as to a context...

Why don't you try it out once to see how it feels?

Or another way... Imagine that you are writing a recipe for a conclusion, try to write a post that lists all the ingredients needed to form the conclusion and has detailed instructions on how you combine those ingredients, so that anyone can come along and do the same.
Voila!

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 8/19/2013 5:57:14 PM >

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Post #: 118

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 6:04:29 PM

Winterapple

Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline

Rule is a philosopher so he is enigmatic by nature.
It is up to each of us to ponder and decipher his musings.

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Post #: 119

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/19/2013 8:03:03 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

or just ignore him altogether. Makes it even easier.

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Everything has changed

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Post #: 120

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