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What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 8:14:45 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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I'm defining a cheater as someone who has agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and who lies to his/her spouse or partner or girl/boyfriend about who they have sex with. I am also including those who go behind the person's back and though they don't tell outright lies, they lie by omission.

What I think about cheaters has been well documented by my posts, but I'll restate that to me it means the person is lacking in personal integrity to a high degree. I think this b/c the person is not just lying to their spouse or partner or girl/boyfriend, but to them self. To cheat (to me) means you are very unhappy, but you don't have the guts to own up to it.

This is my opinion, what is yours?

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 8:35:47 AM

TieMeInKnottss

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That you never know what goes on in someone else's head or relationship.. You most likely do not know all the facts even if you are the person who was cheated on... We are all human and we all make bad decisions. If you are one of the people involved, you can make a decision on how you feel or what you do... I am Catholic, I believe in confession and penance. I believe if I admit my wrong, am sorry & do not commit the same mistake twice and take my consequences that I can get a second chance..

I have been the cheater, I have been the cheated on and the one someone has cheated with (not all at the same time! Of course). I have a right to decide NOT to become involved with someone who has cheated, I can make the decision to stay or leave a relationship where I am the injured party... I nor anyone else have the right to condemn someone else -you don't have to agree or condone but you cannot judge whether, by one mistake or one bad decision, someone is a "bad" person or whether he/she is capable of change.. HELL!! They give most murderers a second chance after they pay their debt to society.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 8:43:25 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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I appreciate your candid response, TieMe.

When I was in my early 20s, I cheated as well. I was terribly unhappy with my relationship, and was not in a place where I could see that I was as much at fault as he. For me it was an emotional issue, and at that time, I didn't view it as an issue of integrity. I do now, since to me one of the worst things you can do is not be truthful and honest with yourself.

I'm not sure I 'condemn' those who cheat, that's a strong word. I do think they need to take a long hard look at themselves.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 8:56:06 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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Joined: 8/7/2007
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I think I wish them all they deserve in life, and pretty much avoid them whenever possible. I don't really need or care to hear the justification and rationalizations behind their choices to cheat. Why I'm resolute on that front, well, that has everythign to do with my own boundary issues. I'm a people pleaser which translates into an enabler which evolves into having trouble identifying and maintaining boundaries. All I need to know, is you cheated - so I can avoid the whole sordid mess.

WinD

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 8:56:31 AM

ARIES83

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I personally see it as weak & cowardly... I've cheated when I was younger. I didn't like cheating, but I still ended up doing it... Giving in to temptation in a moment of weakness, but thats not the really weak part, that comes later when you don't come clean out of fear of the consequences... Not wanting to lose the person you cheated on, not wanting to hurt their feelings, having them feel betrayed...
What they don't know won't hurt them... And by hiding it, you can even forget about the shit things you've done to them, everything can just go on like nothing happened while their none the wiser... And you can even convince yourself your not garbage as long as you keep all those nasty details neatly swept under the rug.... It only gets messy when you have to choose between coming clean and lying... When avoiding consequence means hiding behind lies theres no hiding the fact, that you are in fact. Weak.

I decided I didn't like being weak...
I haven't cheated on anyone for a long long time.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 8/16/2013 9:13:22 AM >

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 8:57:55 AM

Missokyst

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I think cheating is cheating, period. That said for me cheating is defined by at least one member lying about their sexual connection with someone else without letting their mate know. I find it to be ... cowardly I guess. It is not wanting to lose that person, keeping them as a safety instead of giving them the dignity of choice.

Why I feel that way is because I have seen it too many times.
They say they cheat because:
I don't want to break up my marriage
I don't want the kids to suffer.
I don't want to lose my stuff, pay support, or extra insurance.
My partner would suffer too much.
My partner does not like sex.
ect. ect.

But there is more than that for me due to my own history. I would have welcomed my mother leaving my dad instead of modeling a wife sticking by an alcoholic. I was pretty much on my own as a burgeoning double digit human (edited to remove age) because they would take off for the weekend, him to drink at family parties and my mom to watch out for him. I came home to an empty house because she worked swing shifts and he came home drunk. Sometimes he would pass out on the porch and I would leave him there.

And of course there is my sister. She married the man that raped me, 2 yrs after walking in on it. I was counseled by her about the how hard it is to prove that legally. She gave me excuses for why he might have done that. After they married he would beat her and she excused it, because she didn't want to break up the marriage for many of the reasons above.

IN those years, he cheated, she cheated, and the kids suffered. Eventually he raped her two girls. This caused a great deal of guilt for me because if I had only spoken up..

People who stay together don't realise that they are modeling their behavior to any young eyes around. They might justify it by saying no one knows, but as a kid I SNOOPED everywhere. I knew about secret drinkers, about infidelity and other behavior well before I had the skills to deal with it. The result for me became just closing off. I don't see that as anyone doing me the favor of keeping things hidden.

That said, I don't really care if those around me cheat. If I don't know them it is not my business. If I do know them it is still not my business to tell them what they can or cannot do. But if asked... I will share my opinion.

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 8/16/2013 9:08:44 AM >

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:20:46 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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I see it as weak and cowardly as well. It's not so much the sex act, for many people sex is just sex, it doesn't have to have an emotional connection, it's a physical release to them. I get that. It's the lying all the time.

I admit that I just don't get those people who have had long term affairs (usually both are married). How do you live with so much of your life a lie? I couldn't live with that much deception.

One thing I did when I was younger was commit the lie of omission. I didn't outright tell my partners that they were not the only one. I let them believe what they wanted. I think a huge step towards better emotional health for me was when I could tell my partners the truth, whether it was what they wanted to hear, or not.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:23:16 AM

OsideGirl

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I had a ring side seat watching two of my best friends deal with being cheated on. It was devastating. They felt worthless, betrayed, shamed, embarrassed, unlovable, etc.

It positively destroyed one of them. She tried to kill herself, then spent 5 or 6 years thinking that sex (in pretty much any form) could fill the hole. It took a really long time for someone to come along that could show her that she really deserved to be loved.

I truly think that when you cheat, you're saying that your orgasm is more important than the well being of the person that you've made a vow to.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:33:49 AM

evesgrden

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I'm defining a cheater as someone who has agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and who lies to his/her spouse or partner or girl/boyfriend about who they have sex with. I am also including those who go behind the person's back and though they don't tell outright lies, they lie by omission.

What I think about cheaters has been well documented by my posts, but I'll restate that to me it means the person is lacking in personal integrity to a high degree. I think this b/c the person is not just lying to their spouse or partner or girl/boyfriend, but to them self. To cheat (to me) means you are very unhappy, but you don't have the guts to own up to it.

This is my opinion, what is yours?

If we exclude things like surprises that are planned for someone, typically if someone is lying to you, it's about information that you will find hurtful. Well, I'm a competent grownup andit's bloody important to me to be able to make informed decisions in my life. If someone deliberately withholds information that prevents me from making an informed decision, I'd be hard pressed to want to be around them after that. Cheating is only one form of deceit, but it's deceit and that's what I take issue with.

I don't necessarily think that all people who cheat are unhappy. I think there are a lot of "don't ask don't tell" relationships out there. I think there are folks who really don't want to know and turn a blind eye and they're good with that. I even believe that there are people who cheat and really love their spouse.. for companionship and maybe sex too, but they're wired for variety. And of course there are those who look elsewhere because they are very unhappy with the person they married, but for whatever reason don't want a divorce and fessing up would result in a divorce. And in all of the above here, I still believe that the deceit has corrosive consequences even when folks are quite content to live with those consequences rather than end things.

Free country.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:34:30 AM

AAkasha

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Why is it any of my business? That's what I think.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:36:49 AM

cloudboy

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I think it's a stupid question and should be moved to off topic discussion.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:37:13 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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I don't like cheating at all. I find it very cowardly. But, I'm not going to lecture adults on what's right or wrong. Most all of them know it's wrong and if they decide to go through it then they're the ones that have to live with the guilt.

I'm certainly not going to give advice on how to cheat. I'm not going to bash a person for having thoughts of cheating. If a person is seeking advice on how to make things work with their SO instead of cheating, I'm all for it.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:37:25 AM

chatterbox24

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Cheating is an excuse for much deeper issues. It has everything to do with character. I used my very unhappy circumstance as power. Power to inflict pain on my inflictor. Power to indulge in tiny fragments of false happiness. It is a endless search for an OUTWARD quest or answer for someone else to make you happy through sex and excitement.
IN the process, its a downward spiral during this search, that creates more unhappiness WITHIN. Its a way of escape and not truly dealing with the issue head on. Its an internal void, and no amount of cheating is going to fix it. The void of the cheater will never be filled, by cheating. Its about being very misguided, confused, and as has already been said, forth and foremost, its denial of honesty to ones self. The only way to fill that kind of void, is from within, not from outside.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:39:13 AM

Spiritedsub2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

That you never know what goes on in someone else's head or relationship.. You most likely do not know all the facts even if you are the person who was cheated on... We are all human and we all make bad decisions. If you are one of the people involved, you can make a decision on how you feel or what you do... I am Catholic, I believe in confession and penance. I believe if I admit my wrong, am sorry & do not commit the same mistake twice and take my consequences that I can get a second chance..

I have been the cheater, I have been the cheated on and the one someone has cheated with (not all at the same time! Of course). I have a right to decide NOT to become involved with someone who has cheated, I can make the decision to stay or leave a relationship where I am the injured party... I nor anyone else have the right to condemn someone else -you don't have to agree or condone but you cannot judge whether, by one mistake or one bad decision, someone is a "bad" person or whether he/she is capable of change.. HELL!! They give most murderers a second chance after they pay their debt to society.

This is exactly how I feel, word for word (except for the Catholic part). You never know another relationship from the inside out except for your own, and even that knowledge is limited by our own perceptions.

The only people I am willing to judge on this issue are myself and my partner.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:47:13 AM

TieMeInKnottss

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Honestly..I think there is a difference depending on the relationship and the type of "cheating".

Those who are serial cheaters or who are married...those who conduct two "relationships (one of my ex's friends cheated on his wife for over a year...he had to do a lot of lying to cover his tracks while involved plus the act of cheating...) to me that was a much bigger and egregious error in judgement than the time my boyfriend (in my 20s) of 6 months made out with my best friend... I found out about it the next day, he and I ended up breaking up but, his making out with her was more of a symptom of his confusion and the fact that we knew our relationship & feelings were changing with no good reason (hey, we were both great people, everyone said we were perfect for each other, his family & friends loved me and mine thought he was great...). He got married a few years later. When I ran into them a few years into their marriage, I never told his wife what he did to "out" him as a cheater.

The friend of my ex's who cheated? His wife's initial reaction was to divorce him and take him for everything he was worth (& we are talking millions plus 2 small kids). Everyone, his sisters-in-law as well, said he would do it again...they went to counseling and it took a long time..but they have now been married 15 years and he has never done it again... As he once told my ex..it took him seeing the results and almost losing everything he had to realize the price was too high

I used to be like you...I was one of those telling her to get out and make him pay... She put him through a LOT to earn her trust back but he never complained and took all the retaliation she sent his way and toed the line (she had him on a curfew, not allowed to go out with friends or alone, made him get tested every 2-3 months... For a couple years) & never said she was overreacting or that she needed to "get over it". Their kids are now 13 and 11...this happened when they were very small (4 & 2 or so)...they do not know about it.

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:48:31 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Why is it any of my business? That's what I think.

Doesn't it become your business if it effects you? What it you found out your sister or your brother or your best friend were being cheated on?. Would it still not be your business? What if they were the cheater, and expected you to keep their secrets a/o lie to cover for them. Would you be willing to do that, since it's not your business?

What if it were your son or your daughter? (The cheater or being cheated on.)

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:51:45 AM

tj444

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my first boyfriend.. I was all of 17 (living on my own tho) and he was my first boyfriend.. he went away for summer holiday with his parents, I cheated, told him about it over the phone.. I thought it was over but when he came home, he kissed me more passionately than he ever did before.. we never talked about it again.. I was a butterfly and flitted around, never told him but never hid it either.. not knowing about bdsm then, turns out in retrospect, it was a sorta cuck relationship.. now if you consider that cheating or not, depends on your viewpoint.. he had plenty of times to tell me not to do that, he had plenty of times he could have walked but he didn't.. I guess he didn't want to.. so accepted the situation..

I shoulda cheated on my ex (cuz he stopped wanting sex) but never did.. cuz I decided I didn't want to live a double life and have it eat away at my soul like that (perhaps its easier for guys to ignore that aspect?).. I eventually told him its over, I want out.. I don't regret that at all, he was wrong for me.. now if I meet the right guy I can jump him.. errr.. I mean we can live happily ever after..

What I think about cheaters is that everyone loses.. and that they should decide to either fix what's wrong and be in the marriage/relationship & faithful or get out of it so everyone can find their own path..

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:52:04 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

I don't like cheating at all. I find it very cowardly. But, I'm not going to lecture adults on what's right or wrong. Most all of them know it's wrong and if they decide to go through it then they're the ones that have to live with the guilt.

I'm certainly not going to give advice on how to cheat. I'm not going to bash a person for having thoughts of cheating. If a person is seeking advice on how to make things work with their SO instead of cheating, I'm all for it.

What do you think about those who come to this forum looking for advice (or not) who admit to being a cheater? Do you think this board is too judgmental?

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:53:08 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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What an excellent post. You've come a long way, baby !!

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RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? - 8/16/2013 9:56:42 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I think most folks know how I feel about this. I sincerely don't take issue with the sexual part of it. What I believe the issue is would be the lack of courage that a person just can't tell the truth about their activities to the person who is supposed to be one of the most important people in their life. If you can't be honest with them, I sure don't believe for a second that you're going to be honest with Me. It's the lie that destroys people.

Unlike Aakasha, I don't believe that it doesn't effect anyone else. That person that got hurt has other people that are important in their lives and it does have a ripple effect. Many people carry the baggage of being cheated on and it makes it difficult to trust others in future relationships. When the lies are exposed, it can be rather devastating.

We talk a lot here about the tenets of honesty, communication, and consent. If you actually believe in those, they aren't relegated to just scenes or play time.

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