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bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/18/2013 7:57:27 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

So, due to far too many Doms/Masters sending me messages criticizing me for labelling myself as a bottom and telling me they can't be bothered with someone who is submissive only in the bedroom- I have two questions.

1) Where is the chiseled-in-stone rule that says bottoms are never submissive outside the bedroom? As a newbie, I took some time to look back on my vanilla relationships. I saw that, yes, the more I trusted the man in the relationship and the more he respected me, the more submissive I was....outside the bedroom.
I tell this to those dismissive Doms and they all but laugh in my face. No way, if I call myself a bottom, am I ever submissive outside the bedroom!

2) This question isn't one that begs a response as much as the first question, but I have to ask it anyhow - if these Doms have no use for a bottom, why the heck do they keep messaging me, just to tell me that they have no use for a bottom?!?!?
How unnecessary is that?!?!? Jeez!

Post #: 1

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/18/2013 8:09:56 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

Number 2 is easier to answer. On the other side of this site, most of the men think if they just make contact with a woman, any kind of contact, they might get laid. My profile says sub looking for a monogamous relationship with a local dominant man; I get messages from sub men, slave men, switch men, men thousands of miles away, tons of non-monogamous poly and married men. They don't care what we are so long as we seem female. This side of the site is better.

Question number 1: you get to be whatever you decide you are, and if it's bottom who is occasionally submissive outside the bedroom, then power to you. You will find men who are fine with that. From what I've seen, the guys who are telling you that you're doing it wrong still live with their mothers and haven't had a real D/s relationship outside of their computers. You will find people who are just what you're looking for.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 2

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/18/2013 8:16:16 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

You have clearly gotten confused between a Dom and an idiot.

I have seen allegedly straight women get bi crushes, and mono women try poly. I've gotten a lesbian to try men. It's not that hard - if someone has a tendency that they've been suppressing, just get him or her to feel comfortable.

If I contact someone, it's because I'd like to chat with them. If something more develops, so be it, but it's wasting time to split hairs about who will do what in advance of determining vanilla compatibility.

All that said, I never saw an intro post from you, so welcome to the forums.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 3

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/18/2013 9:37:23 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

DarkSteven - there is an intro from me in the general intro section, with a later update. But thanks for the welcome heere, it is appreciated.
I realize the "Doms" that contact me here (and on FL) with the negative comments about me being a bottom are idiots...usually pretty sleazy as well.
I just find it an annoyance and I had to ask about it.

SpiritedSub - yes, I realize that here and on FL, a lot of the "Doms" who contact us don't have a clue as to who we are. I guess it's too much trouble to read a profile or um, maybe they can't read?
I also posted on FL that I was looking for a monogamous relationship, but decided to remove that. Not because I've given up on that idea, it just helped to cut down on the nitwits who messaged me.
if it's bottom who is occasionally submissive outside the bedroom, then power to you. You will find men who are fine with that.
I am fully aware of what I am. That is a bottom who, given a connection with the right Dom, will be at least as submissive as a sub....if that made any sense.
As for finding the men who are fine with my "standing"....from your lips to God's ears! <grin>

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 4

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/18/2013 10:59:07 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tantail57

I also posted on FL that I was looking for a monogamous relationship, but decided to remove that. Not because I've given up on that idea, it just helped to cut down on the nitwits who messaged me.
[

I don't get your logic. If you are truly seeking a monogamous relationship, why would you remove that? I would think that even more nitwits would write you if you are not seeking monogamy.

Seems counterproductive to me to take down what you want.

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 5

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/18/2013 11:00:10 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

If you don't mind Me saying so, I think it's great that you're a bottom and you are probably saving your time and the time of others who wouldn't be compatible. I wish more people would have that clear of an identity and were as straightforward about it. Lots of folks who are bottoms are somewhat stuck with the 'submissive' choice on this site because the top and bottom options aren't available here.

By the way, bottoms are awesome!

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 6

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 4:29:22 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

i don't use any label except submissive personality. I have been told I am not submissive enough because I would not allow someone access to my cash; meaning send some random guy my paycheck so he could handle my finances when I have never met him personally...LOL I would call that more like being a fool than submissive but he insisted that 'all' his submissives did that. I have been called not submissive enough when some random guy creeped me out and I decided that inviting him over to my home 20 minutes after speaking was NOT a good idea. Oh and I could be all kinds of rich if I had a dime for every time I refused to call someone Sir just because his name was MasterSuxalotacock...

I do get what you are saying though, because I consider myself a lot more bottom than submissive. I am very very selective in who I will take it outside the bedroom with. Currently, I am with a partner who is pretty much vanilla. He has never been on a site like this, never heard of D/s or BDSM and recently has found the thrill of spanking me. We are pretty laid back, no protocol, he says he feels old when I respond with a Yes Sir. But he does run the show in our household, he handles the finances, has the final say so on everything, and when he speaks I jump. I consider us more of a 1950's type household...and honestly I prefer it that way.

I wish you all the luck in the world in your search, because it takes time to find that perfect match....but stick to your guns about what you seek and you shall find it.

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 7

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 8:47:24 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

No one says you can't enjoy bottoming and also submitting. But when you label yourself bottom, then of course people are going to assume you are not also submissive. Because you didn't state that you will also submit.

But ignore idiots who write you only to tell you that you're wrong. There's a block button. Use it.

It makes life much calmer to just ignore and hide stupid people. If only we could do so in real life.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 8

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 11:54:31 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

It's funny how some guys get pissed off about a female not being available to them. There's always some guy sending emails to us telling us because we refuse to be what they want, we shouldn't be here.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 9

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 2:01:13 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

On the other side of this site, most of the men think if they just make contact with a woman, any kind of contact, they might get laid.

That's because in their heart of hearts they know that one minute of exposure to their uber domliness will leave any wench with weak knees, rolling eyes, shallow breath, flushed skin, racing heart and puddle pussies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tantail57

So, due to far too many Doms/Masters sending me messages criticizing me for labelling myself as a bottom and telling me they can't be bothered with someone who is submissive only in the bedroom- I have two questions.

1) Where is the chiseled-in-stone rule that says bottoms are never submissive outside the bedroom? As a newbie, I took some time to look back on my vanilla relationships. I saw that, yes, the more I trusted the man in the relationship and the more he respected me, the more submissive I was....outside the bedroom.
I tell this to those dismissive Doms and they all but laugh in my face. No way, if I call myself a bottom, am I ever submissive outside the bedroom!

2) This question isn't one that begs a response as much as the first question, but I have to ask it anyhow - if these Doms have no use for a bottom, why the heck do they keep messaging me, just to tell me that they have no use for a bottom?!?!?
How unnecessary is that?!?!? Jeez!

Be whoever you are. You'll find someone who fits. The yin to your yang so to speak. Forget labels, bottom, sub, slave,whatever,let any possible relationship grow and be whatever it can be. Each relationship defines it's own terms, it's own rules according to it's own unique internal rhythm.
Your task is to bring yourself to it, not someone else.

Frankly, I gotta say that the passage you describe holds pretty much true for almost all relationships, nilla, bound, TPE, you name it. It's how sane people progress.Trust takes time. As the trust grows, boundaries expand and the interaction begins to breathe.
The reason the "guys" are mocking you is because they don't have a fricken clue.
But, look at the bright side, it's a nice litmus test. Any idiot who says that you can instantly dismiss and move on...

2-They do it because they are trolls. said it before, I'll say it again, I tip my hat to any gal who comes on here and has the tenacity to sort through the sewage and keep searching. Bless you.Like no shit.
It amazes me that any woman can have the remotest bit of faith, hope or trust in me after what they get in the mail.

< Message edited by Kana -- 8/19/2013 2:02:26 PM >

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 10

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 5:11:36 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't get your logic. If you are truly seeking a monogamous relationship, why would you remove that? I would think that even more nitwits would write you if you are not seeking monogamy.

Seems counterproductive to me to take down what you want.

You would think wouldn't you? It actually lost me a few more of the creepy-crawly "Doms"

< Message edited by tantail57 -- 8/19/2013 5:22:26 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 11

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 5:13:57 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

If you don't mind Me saying so, I think it's great that you're a bottom and you are probably saving your time and the time of others who wouldn't be compatible. I wish more people would have that clear of an identity and were as straightforward about it. Lots of folks who are bottoms are somewhat stuck with the 'submissive' choice on this site because the top and bottom options aren't available here.

By the way, bottoms are awesome!

Aren't we though! <grin>

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 5:16:56 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker
I wish you all the luck in the world in your search, because it takes time to find that perfect match....but stick to your guns about what you seek and you shall find it.

Thank you lil, I fully intend to do just that.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 13

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 5:19:08 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
But ignore idiots who write you only to tell you that you're wrong. There's a block button. Use it.

The block button and I are close friends.
But from time to time the idiots just work my last one.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 5:24:48 PM

tantail57

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/28/2013
Status: offline

Really everyone, you are all so incredibly chill!
Fantastic space here. Hugs from the non-huggy bottom!

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 15

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 5:29:43 PM

smartsub10

Posts: 865
Joined: 4/23/2010
Status: offline

I also state that I am a submissive because CM doesn't have the designation of top or bottom. But, a bottom I am. I get messages from some guys who really get it and are glad to get to know me and meet me. Then, there are the douchebuckets who tell me how horribly wrong I am going about the lifestyle.
Block, Delete. It's so easy. Saves so much bullshit.

When a guy really gets me, really goes out of his way to get to know me, care about me, shows interest in me, well, I do tend to get a bit more submissive.

Those dudes know how to do it. They don't insult.

Sometimes you get lucky.

When you don't .....block......delete.

_____________________________

Beauty fades...stupid is forever
~ Judge Judith Scheindlin
____________________________________________

“Be that self which one truly is" ~Soren Kierkegaard

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 16

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/19/2013 7:15:31 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tantail57

So, due to far too many Doms/Masters sending me messages criticizing me for labelling myself as a bottom and telling me they can't be bothered with someone who is submissive only in the bedroom- I have two questions.

1) Where is the chiseled-in-stone rule that says bottoms are never submissive outside the bedroom? As a newbie, I took some time to look back on my vanilla relationships. I saw that, yes, the more I trusted the man in the relationship and the more he respected me, the more submissive I was....outside the bedroom.
I tell this to those dismissive Doms and they all but laugh in my face. No way, if I call myself a bottom, am I ever submissive outside the bedroom!

2) This question isn't one that begs a response as much as the first question, but I have to ask it anyhow - if these Doms have no use for a bottom, why the heck do they keep messaging me, just to tell me that they have no use for a bottom?!?!?
How unnecessary is that?!?!? Jeez!

Personally, I don't care all that much what label someone chooses for themselves. The important thing is the narrative: I like ABC; I don't like EFG. Then someone can tell if they are compatible. If non-compatible people want to argue with you about your label or narrative, it's best to ignore them. The world is full of idiots, and plenty of those idiots give themselves the label of dom.

(in reply to tantail57)

Post #: 17

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/20/2013 1:05:55 PM

SerWhiteTiger

Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline

Anyone telling you you're doing it wrong is doing it wrong.

(in reply to seekingreality)

Post #: 18

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/20/2013 6:15:00 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

A lot of those people telling you are wrong are idiots, and many of them to be honest are some moron who reads internet forums, is a self styled 'dominant' who most rational people would run away from saying "eeew". There is nothing wrong with being a bottom, any more then there is anything wrong with being a switch (friend of mine is well known in leather/BD/SM circles, she is one of those people who goes to the conventions and such, teaches courses, is kind of a legend in the NYC BD/SM circles, is a switch, and she was really pissed off one time when she told me someone she really respected told her she should settle on being dominant, that as a switch no one would have respect for her....I told her she should have told the other person "I might lose some people's respect for being a switch, but with anyone who believes that, just consider the source....").

If someone told me that, I would tell them "I am not living wrong, I am a bottom, and after hearing from morons like you, I have even less inclination to submit". The best thing in anything is someone who knows what they are and what they want, and there are plenty of people who love to top who don't want to be a D, so you will find someone.

One hint, I think you would be better off not looking on websites, as others have said, try to find 'real' life interactions, if there are any groups in your area or any BD/SM clubs or events, try going and meeting people, I think you will be surprised that among people whose life isn't trying to snag pussy over the net by pretending to be a dom, you will find people just like yourself:). And you may just find someone who loves to top you that evolves into something else, who knows? Friend of mine said sometimes a top is someone who hadn't found her to submit to them *lol*

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)

Post #: 19

RE: bottoms not submissive outside bedroom? - 8/21/2013 12:29:34 PM

bella9

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/20/2009
Status: offline

In my opinion there is no hard and fast rule book about what makes a good D/s relationship. If there is amazon.com sure doesn't carry it!
Find someone you're comfortable with. There is a whole vast continuum of Dominants, just as there are submissives. Not everyone lives it 24/7, nor do they want to.

Any Dominant who says you're not a submissive because you don't think their way or agree with them 100 % of the time isn't a Dominant worth having.

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 20

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