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RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/7/2013 5:09:57 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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Hi TigressLily,

I've had good results embedding my kink into the percentage match of the OK Cupid algorithm. An intriguing vanilla profile, with a ton of kink questions answered, and weighted as important. Anyone in my high 90s is one kinky bitch.

Though you may find, once you have kink in your life again, that it isn't as important as you thought it would be. There's a reason a lot of people marry open-minded vanillas and recruit play partners to beat on. There are qualities in a life partner that are much more important than fetish compatibility.

In any case, I see CM largely as a dating site for fetishists: LeatherAndRopeMingle.com, instead of ChristianMingle.com. For a lot of men, being submissive means what guys call acting like a starfish. That's when the girl lies on the bed, spreads her arms and legs, and doesn't move again until you're done. Most boring fuck in the world, let me tell you. But what a tremendous burden to be lifted from the man: he doesn't have to be responsible for his own orgasm anymore, nor for hers. He just offers up his body and she plays with it, within the guidelines he provides. So in a sense, the shoe is on the other foot now, neener neener. Still, if you don't want a male starfish, and, instead want someone who prioritizes your needs, that's a rare person, and it's going to take some hunting.

I decided to respond to you because I just read your post on the Respectable Partners thread. You have something beautiful to provide your next partner, and you express yourself well. It may interest you to know that I think the best way to meet people through CM is the message board. Anyone who contacts you because of your posts and expresses interest is much more likely to be interested in you as a whole person than someone who just thinks you have a hot profile. So you might want to keep posting, and see what happens.

Best wishes.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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Post #: 41

RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/7/2013 6:43:25 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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I don't know that there is anything wrong with "manipulation." Come on. We all manipulate. Just the other day I was asking a fellow for a favor. I admit that I opened my eyes a little wider than usual, I may have raised the tone of my voice a teensy bit, and yes, I allowed myself to look all vulnerable and cutesy wootsy. Yes, I did. And I got (mostly) what I wanted.

Was it manipulation? Probably. I was playing on his emotions... However, he knew EXACTLY what I was doing. And he ENJOYED it. He felt all manly and strong. He got to "save" the damsel in distress and slay my dragon. And I got to feel all womanly and feminine and cared for. I like that. We were both aware of the scenario, and we both CHOSE to step into our respective roles for it. I *like it* when a man comes to my rescue. I *like it* when he enjoys this version of femininity. I *like it* when a man takes charge and lets me be girlish at times.

Now mind you, I'm also a strong, tough, independent woman. I know when to turn off the "girlish" charm and when to turn on the "womanly wiles" and when to turn on the "all business" mode of communication (and when to simply "follow the leader"). Manipulation gets a bad wrap. We all manipulate. The important point - to my mind - is the intention and the spoken or unspoken agreement between the parties involved.

Now that I'm thinking about it, a man did this to me also! My shoe broke the other day, and I stopped in the office to get something to fix it with. One of the assistants just automatically took my shoe and started fixing it for me telling me that he wanted to help "a beautiful woman like you." Well, I knew he was manipulating me, but I let it happen. He wants to fix my problem? It makes him feel good? Sure, why not? He gets to feel all manly, and I get to be taken care of. Another dragon slain, another bit of distress conquered!

I didn't *need* him to fix my shoe. But it sure was nice to be taken care of like that.

Is any of this topping from the bottom? To some people, yes. But not in sunshine world. It's just tapping into another part of personality.

best,
sunshine

(and by the way... topping can't happen from the bottom unless the leader allows it... and that's either choosing to allow topping from the bottom -- which negates the whole idea of topping from the bottom -- or it is laziness or a reprieve. C'est la guerre

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 9/7/2013 7:11:25 PM >

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Post #: 42

RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/7/2013 9:11:30 PM

TigressLily

Posts: 436
Status: offline

Yeah, it took me a few months to start reading any forum topics, other than clicking onto a Collarchat teaser that caught my attention a couple times. Since I'm a Scorpio, I don't take much lightly, which is one reason why I'm not looking for casual play partners. Have I had a few crash & burns? Sure, who hasn't, regardless of your original intent. Other couples can have whatever arrangement they choose to make - although I'm not convinced both parties are equally as enthusiastic about it and that one isn't making most of the compromises or concessions - but that isn't how I roll.

Thanks for the tips and your kind words.

Re OkC, let me point out the following:

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I've had good results embedding my kink into the percentage match of the OK Cupid algorithm. An intriguing vanilla profile, with a ton of kink questions answered, and weighted as important. Anyone in my high 90s is one kinky bitch.

1. I answered more than 1200 assorted category Qs, made sure all the D/s & kinky ones were Mandatory, basically any relationship deal breakers. Within a month there were over half a dozen 99% matches, but half of those are in Europe, submissive men seeking FLRs (a Female Led Relationship).

2. One male sub match a couple states away had just answered 18 Qs, so technically we were a 100% match. Users there should answer at least 200 Qs for these match percentages to have any degree of accuracy. There are plenty of kinky s.o.b.s right here on CM, located much nearer, if all I were interested in was kink compatibility.

3. Another sub had 2 profiles--on the one with his photo, he hadn't answered any Qs so 0%. The other photo-less one showed 99%, which was the otherwise empty-shell profile from which he had contacted me. (Two incomplete profiles raises a BIG red flag, to those of you male subs out there who have this strange notion that by NOT filling out personal info, you leave more options open for yourself.) Upon comparison, it became abundantly clear he had tailored his Q&As to match mine, which you can do once waiting 24 hours to change your answers. (Which could have almost been romantic if he hadn't looked so damned unattractive! Then it makes being a pre-stalker downright creepy.)

Hey, I just had an thought. Not to equate taking the initiative (esp. in putting forth ideas) with being a Bottom Topper, but looking at it from the angle of manipulation, I wonder if there isn't a certain type of personality who is prone to try to pull the strings from behind the scenes. It doesn't have to be a submissive who Tops from the bottom, there are more than likely Dominants who bottom from the Top, perhaps even the same ones who complain about how they won't tolerate this sort of behavior from their subs.

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Post #: 43

RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/7/2013 10:51:33 PM

FactualNonsense

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/28/2013
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I've always viewed as topping from the bottom meaning that even though my sub was on top and fucking me I was still the one in control ect.

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Post #: 44

RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/8/2013 8:22:54 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
I don't know that there is anything wrong with "manipulation." Come on. We all manipulate.

This is exactly why I don't like/understand the phrase "topping from the bottom". Maybe it's just that I don't care. My "dominance" isn't really centered around Carol or anyone else. It's centered on me. As I just wrote in my journal, I'm just a guy with somewhere to go and other people seem to end up following along. If one of them is being a trouble maker, for whatever reasons, I toss them out so that progress isn't impeded. This is true of Carol, work, and total strangers. Topping from the bottom is a cute phrase and I think it makes a lot more sense if we were talking about topping and bottoming in a scene among two near strangers at a play party. In the context of dominance and submission it makes no sense at all to me. I don't need to apply labels to the virtually infinite number of ways that someone might choose to rock the boat. I just toss them overboard sans analysis.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 9/8/2013 8:25:03 AM >

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Post #: 45

RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/8/2013 8:25:35 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FactualNonsense
I've always viewed as topping from the bottom meaning that even though my sub was on top and fucking me I was still the one in control ect.

ROFL! Wow! Ok, that is not a definition I've ever heard before but kudos to you because it's the first one that makes any sense to me.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Post #: 46

RE: Topping from The Bottom - 9/8/2013 9:14:51 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrushME33

I'm a top from the bottom. I'll try to make large women sit on my face. I think it annoys them... Being a dom from the bottom is not good. I think. How do I change?

Get a large submissive woman and make her sit on your face?

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Post #: 47