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Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 1:24:30 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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I met a vanilla man and I know his completely vanilla because I broach the subject of D/S and BDSM with him and he has absolutely no interest in it.

His also super vanilla to the extent that his just into very straight traditional sex, missionary is his favourite position. It's completely crazy.

Why am I writing this?

From the first sight, I sat down and met with him, he was radiating so much dominant energy. I can't even describe it lol, I just felt like kneeling down to him and bowing my head in deference.

It's like my crazy little soul inside me of recognize this man as my dominant male.

So the crazy thing, I have met other dominant males who know they are dominant, but in no way do I feel a single submissive feelings towards them, most of the time, there is no vibe, no chemistry, I don't feel inspired to obey.

But this guy...., I feel like he could ask me anything and I'd say yes to everything, I felt my submissiveness come to the fore-front with him. I can't explain it because it's all intangible.

And although he doesn't see himself as somebody into the d/s lifestyle or bdsm at all.

But his naturally dominant, the way he deals with me, makes decisions, leads, I don't know, the man can handle me and get his way all the time, and he does it correctly and so smooth.

And the way he makes me feel is like, gosh..., I just haven't felt submissive in a long time, and he brought up all the submissive feelings in me towards him.

It is quite clear though in the bedroom, he is not sexually dominant at all. Yes I have slept with him. I have also attempt to explain the whole dominant thing to him to see if it's something that could arouse his interest but ended up, he just keeps cracking jokes about it and think it's funny, and poking fun of me, teasing me about it :(

Has anybody ever felt like that with a full blooded vanilla person? I find it strange because his not suppose to be a dom. And I know I can't get him to be my dom because his not into it.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 8/21/2013 1:29:00 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 3:56:26 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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How about valuing the overall chemistry of the man, instead of worrying if he can be a Dom.

Ever major relationship I had as a sub started with vanilla men.

I did not rush in and tell them what I was into, I let us get comfortable and when I knew they were turned on by me in general, I brought it up.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 2

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 5:14:49 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Okay. He orders you around. You comply and enjoy it. So far, so good.

In the bedroom, he orders you to do missionary. You comply but don't enjoy it.

I feel like he could ask me anything and I'd say yes to everything - What if he asked you to be vanilla in the bedroom? Because right now, that's what he IS asking of you.

So press ahead but remember, HE IS THE DOM.

I read your profile and your main kinks are bondage and spanking. Bondage takes some effort to learn, so I'd begin with spanking. Just tell him, "I get really turned on by spanking. Could you put me over your lap and give me a light spanking?" See how he takes it.

And, if he doesn't go for it, well, he's the Dom and he's asking you to say yes to vanilla.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 3

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 5:21:45 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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He may be dominant outside of the bedroom but not in, it does happen.

I think it far more likely that he does not feel comfortable being anything other than what he considers a gentleman in the bedroom. It's possible an early gf chastised him for trying anything new or being too rough. If that happened during sex, that can traumatize a guy. It may take some time for him to really get that he can be different with you sexually.

If he doesn't, than you may have to accept he can't.

How about a long talk over dinner on the subject?

_____________________________

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 4

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 8:09:18 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

Yep, my partner was completely vanilla and yep most of the time sex is missionary. He does rule the roost, and I do as he asks. I did express my spanking interest and he now likes it even admitted that if anyone asked him before if spanking a girl could turn him on he would have laughed. He loves it now.

Honestly, he by far is the best partner I have ever connected with.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 5

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 11:08:52 AM

Winterapple

Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline

He's a vanilla dominant man, a dominant man who
isn't kinky. And he's likely going to stay that way or
stay that way for the most part. He might be open to
some of the vanilla friendly kinks like spanking, light
bondage and blindfolds. Or be open to indulging you
now and then. But I wouldn't entertain to many ideas
of turning him into the kink lover of your dreams.

Sounds like he prefers his sex without bells and whistles.
He might open up some there but again maybe not.

I'd be fine with a vanilla dominant man if we meshed in
most other ways and he was open to a little experimentation.
My general uhm observation on this is even the most vanilla
of men is usually amenable to regular spankings. If you need
more than that (kink wise) all I can recommend is being as
open with him as possible. If he's not into it or even very
interested in exploring it you'll have a choice to make.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 6

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 12:23:53 PM

jola37

Posts: 433
Joined: 7/8/2013
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Is it still early days Greta75 ? Was pondering if maybe he's also ultra shy about his own fantasies (maybe he had a big knock back somewhere down the line). With my first gf (I was 16) she asked if she could tie me up and I said no because I was so embarrassed she'd find out I'd like it :-/ I know this is stupid and I have been kicking myself about it ever since. I'm sure it's not this but I just wanted to offer this angle too.

I hope you find a way of working things with your guy as from your words, he sounds quite special to you :-) and surely something worth exploring all avenues for.

(in reply to Winterapple)

Post #: 7

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/21/2013 12:37:19 PM

Duskypearls

Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline

Yes, Greta, I had that experience once, being in the presence of the same kind of fellow, that triggered the Grand Canyon of submission.

Never have I experienced, before or aft, such intoxication.

There are no words for the depth of such delicious delirium.

I do wish you great luck. Luxuriate in what you've got. You never know it may trigger in him.

(in reply to jola37)

Post #: 8

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 4:10:08 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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Being with him means being deprived of many kinks I enjoy for the rest of my life.
What a pity.
He is a dominant man that is for sure, I'm really drawn to how good he is at manipulating me and getting everything his way all the time.
That's kinda rare because it's more common I meet doms who stamp their feet, throw tantrums and lose control with me when they don't get things their way. But this guy is effortless and super smooth in maneuvering things his way, even when I am challenging him, he doesn't get angry or upset, he just gets thoughtful and he'll end up convincing me to go with what he wants.

What a bummer.

Yes, I guess his dominant in the bedroom too in his way, and he just wants to do things his way, traditional sex way, his not entertaining anything else that I told him I enjoy.

Yea..., I don't know if I can be happy in the long term being denied what satisfies me sexually.

(in reply to Duskypearls)

Post #: 9

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 4:21:05 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

I read your profile and your main kinks are bondage and spanking.

Hmm, did I give that impression? Not just that, I just love humiliation and verbal abuse as well. One element that will never come from him too. His always so in control and so well-mannered and always behave impeccably. Yea, I definitely did open up and share with him all the things that makes my panties wet, but his just thoughtful and non-committal about making any of it happen, even though he knows.
I've known him for year already, although we really only started having sex 9 months later. But way before that, I have already told him all that I was into. Actually, he can compel me to tell him anything lol. So much chemistry but I feel so sexually unsatisfied with him!
Bummer....., so close yet so far, the match

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 10:55:25 AM

tommonymous

Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline

And have you put it to him in those terms? So much chemistry, so little (sexual) satisfaction? Does he understand how important (as in deal-breaking important) sexual satisfaction is to you? Let him know that no flexibility on his part will likely lead to no relationship for the two of you.

I do agree with the other posters, that he may just not be comfortable with anything other than the traditional in bed. So, you might try to show rather than tell/ talk. During sex, run your fingers through his hair, your nails on his scalp. When he enjoys that, ask him to try it on you. Explain that pulling your hair does something really similar. If he only likes missionary, try to wrestle him to the bottom and ride him. Make him fight you a bit, and earn that face-to-face fucking that he wants. And if you do win, be happy to ride the hell out of him in a way that you both enjoy.

Of course, if he enjoys losing *too* much, that opens a whole new can of worms...

_____________________________

"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 11

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 6:45:03 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tommonymous

Of course, if he enjoys losing *too* much, that opens a whole new can of worms...

That would not be a good can of worms!

(in reply to tommonymous)

Post #: 12

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 8:19:31 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

This has never happened to me because I never cared if they knew about bdsm or not and sex was always a low priority for me. I actuallly intensely enjoy missionary. What can I say..I'm old fashioned and traditional.

So at this point you have one question to ask yourself....which is more important to you? Him? Or the kinky sex?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 13

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 8:24:39 PM

MizzSpitfire

Posts: 70
Joined: 2/16/2012
Status: offline

Dump the asshole. You deserve the whole package and you won't find it with this boring twit.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 14

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 8:27:20 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I dunno. He sounds like quite the catch to me. But like I said, I'm old fashioned. One person's boring is another person's dream.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to MizzSpitfire)

Post #: 15

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/22/2013 11:01:55 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

He sounds like a good catch and if you have that kind of reaction to him, well, it says a lot. Someone can be a dominant personality without being kinky, and it sounds like he naturally falls into the leader/dominant kind of thing, which obviously does something for you and that is rare. As you saidl,you have met supposed lifestyle dominants who didn't do it for you,but this guy does.

I think that chemistry is important, and I think you may be surprised what can happen if you decide to stay with him. He is probably a nice guy, and nice people can have a hard time when their partner talks about things like corporal punishment, or humiliation or whatever, they are brought up to believe you have to be nice to your partner, that you don't do those things. I know this from experience, my spouse is a real sweetheart of a person, the kind of person that bleeds for orphaned animals, who has a hard time with violent scenes in modern romances, you name it, and she was kind of conflicted when we started doing this as a couple, and then even when she found her inner domme, it conflicted that she could enjoy doing this to her partner and then turn around and take care of our then young kid (who is now taller then I am and heading off to college). The point is that the relationship can evolve and I think you already have the major parts you feel a spark for him and he has natural dominant inclinations.

He may never find that inner dom, the person who likes kink, but I can tell you that my spouse was as vanilla as they come, take it from me, and the fact that he shows no interest right now doesn't mean he can't or won't in the future. When he made jokes about it, it is possible he actually felt something but was embarrassed he felt that way, you never know. It might sound funny, but I remember talking to my spouse about it and one of the first things I talked about was how scene play for me wasn't pain the way she might think. For some reason, I got to her when I told her pain was stubbing your toe in the middle of the night on chair or something, and pain was when some young kid decides he wants to throw a punch and it hits you right in the family jewels...but that in kink play it isn't pain per se, but intense sensations.......

There are some pretty good books out there that are based around working with a non kink partner, I think greenery press had some books (I seem to recall 'the bottoming book' was titled how to get someone to do nasty things to you, or some such:).

Want my recommendation? Give the relationship a chance to get deeper, that you both get to know and more importantly, trust each other, and then introduce the concepts of things, slowly. Maybe it would be spanking, or maybe it would be some sort of dom/sub 'game', could be a lot of things. It took me almost 13 years to introduce kink into our lives, to feel comfortable enough to open up about it, you may find (I hope!) It happens a lot sooner. All I can say is for me, if the spark is there, it is worth making the effort to see if it can work....and even if he never truly accepts the dom role, you have someone you can commit yourself to and in a sense dedicate yourself as his sub even if he doesn't know, by encouraging him in his 'dominant-ness', allowing him to take the lead, etc. As they say, a good man is hard to find, and if you have the opportunity to create the dom of your dreams, give it a shot:)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 16

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/23/2013 12:11:11 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

So at this point you have one question to ask yourself....which is more important to you? Him? Or the kinky sex?

Don't know. I am totally unsure myself if I could be happy in a relationship without the kinky sex in the long term. My gut is that his really not into it. So that's what I got to live with if we decide to develop this deeper.
But I had the same issue with my x-vanilla husband. Although I wasn't drawn to him because he was dominant, he didn't have any dominant energy at all, and was very accommodating most of the time, but I did try to introduce kink into our marriage and I think he started sensing my dissatisfaction in sex if he doesn't want to play the kinks with me, and I can't help it even though I tell him it's no big deal, but he knows and I know, it's a big deal. And I'm unsatisfied sexually and it affected him too because he wish I could just be satisfied with regular sex and feel content and happy with that. He didn't enjoy the kink.

So what's different with this man is he has this dominant energy, but I have a gut that his not gonna budge on anything. That's also him being dominating, like this is the way he likes it in bed, and that's what it's gonna be. Fun when there is no commitment to each other, but a whole lifetime of that, I am afraid I may not be happy later.

I find him very hard and uncompromising too. Although I just like how he handles disagreements with me. And he does it the right way that works.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 17

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/24/2013 3:46:43 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

Intense chemistry is rare. I believe I would work with that dynamic. Sex is a bonus, that can evolve. No relationship is perfect, if its the relationship you desire more then the sex.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 18

RE: Have this ever happened to you? - 8/30/2013 3:20:53 PM

bella9

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/20/2009
Status: offline

I have to agree, he's a kink free dominant male, which in my own beliefs is very different than a Dominant. If he's not into it, he's not into it, and unlikely to change

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 19

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