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Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 1:09:09 PM   
Neoseeker


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/30/2013
Status: offline 		I'm pretty new to the scene and this site. I joined at the beginning of the year and ended up meeting someone. We hit it off well though it was sort of a long distance relationship. After a while she wanted me to move closer so i agreed. I left my job, friends, and everything else to be closer to her (mainly because i just got out the military so I'm still on the GI bill). I haven't been here long but once i got here i found out that she is with another man and has been for the last 12 years. I didn't even learn this from her. The man came to me because he wanted me to know, and also said this is normal behavior for her. She herself has said nothing on the matter of what i am to her even though he forced her to tell me after meeting up with the both of us. I'm really not ok with it, but i feel for her and decided to go with it. On top of that I'm kind of stuck here since i currently don't have a job yet. Her actions as of late has caused me to question just about everything and have caused me a lot of confusion. That is just one of the major bits. I'm really not sure what i should do and the only reason I'm asking for advice here is because i can't tell her about it. If i do she will just get angry at me, not listen to a word i say then blow it off. She doesn't mention what i am to her to anyone, and she has bitched me out for both saying that i was dating her AND not saying i was dating her. There is no double standard in this relationship, which i'm very comfortable with, but I just don't feel like she feels the same way about me that i do about her. If i sound like a whinny bitch then i apologize, i'm just afraid i'm going to invest to much into this and get hurt in the end.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 1:17:28 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Neoseeker

Her actions as of late has caused me to question just about everything and have caused me a lot of confusion.



I find it funny that her "actions as of late" have led you to question things. The fact that she has been with someone for 12 years should have led you to question things.

A few things here:

Let's start with, if this were a vanilla relationship would you tolerate this behavior?

She sounds like a toxic relationship. But, I'll be honest and say you played a big part in this. You clearly didn't do any due diligence or dig very deep before you threw caution to the wind and gave up everything. You'll need to figure out why you did that and how not to make that mistake again before you go looking for another relationship.

Lastly, BDSM D/s requires a lot of trust. How can you possibly trust this woman?

Seriously, phone home....see if someone can help you get out.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Neoseeker)
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RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 1:29:32 PM   
BiteAble


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/21/2013
Status: offline 		Go with your gut. If you cant talk to her for fear she will go off on you, why would you want to stay?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 1:37:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Nothing is ever going to change. Are you happy with the status quo? Can you ever see yourself being happy in this situation? If not, then why waste more of your time with someone who lies to you and doesn't care about your happiness and has been clear that she will not ever meet your needs?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to BiteAble)
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RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 1:41:30 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I moved to be with someone I didn't know well enough and he turned out to not be how he portrayed himself on the phone during our 6 month long distance relationship. I ended up staying five more years, which was good in a way because I got a great job, but also a long time to spend away from my friends and family. If you are enrolled in college, maybe complete the semester and then look to move home at the end of it.

Meanwhile, pay attention to what she DOES not what she SAYS.

(in reply to Neoseeker)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 2:10:39 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline 		She isn't in control of herself. Therefore she is not a DOMME. She deceived you and had to have someone else in her life tell you the true story. She was going to deceive you for as long as she was getting something out of it.

Stop thinking with your cock. Think with your brain. Call someone up, get the hell out of dodge.

When you have a clean slate, bring yourself back up, why not get a job, why not finish college, why not actually get somewhere, do things for yourself, be your own safety net. Then maybe you might catch the eye of a Domme woman in a relationship.

One which wont need to lie to you.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 2:33:13 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, so you went all out and you made a mistake. Time to figure out what you can do from this point on.

First of all, this "relationship" is dead in the water and you need to consider it over. She lied to you about something so big it boggles the mind, plus she seems to be very unstable to where you can't please her because she doesn't make any sense, and the two of you don't seem to have any base of communication. You can't stay with someone that gets mad at you for trivial reasons and that you're afraid to talk to because she might go off. This is a crazy person. Get out, don't invest anything more into something that isn't working for you.

Secondly, do you like it there? Then stay, build your own life outside of being with her and do your thing. If you want to go somewhere else, then go. But staying there with the idea that this "relationship" will get better with time is nuts. She's not claiming your place in her life as it is, which shows you what you are to her, expendable.

If you don't like it there then find out what is a better alternative for yourself. Do you want to go to school? Work? Time to do some extensive thinking about where your future lies and doing what.

You made a mistake, oh well, extricate yourself from the mistake and move on. It happens. Btw, you're not a whiny bitch, cut that out. Believe me there are plenty of people on the boards that fit that description, but you don't seem to be one.

< Message edited by lizi -- 8/28/2013 2:34:19 PM >

(in reply to Neoseeker)
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RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 2:47:36 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		I honestly wish I could give you some incredibly insightful advice, that could fix your life instantly, but only you can do that.

From what you describe, this Her sounds like a real no win situation. One that could lead your life into an even worse position, than you are currently in.

To me the most frightening thing is no job ... and you will eventually run out of money. So a point to remember in the future is: Never relocate without First getting another job. But you cannot change that now.

What OsideGirl said, can you return home and rebuild? If so, go quickly, do not even give it a moments thought. Just cut this person from your memory banks and go. Be mentally tough and forget her. If school is a concern, school can be made up for, especially in institutions like University of Phoenix, so that should not be a driving factor. You just really need to get out of the situation you are in.

If you cannot go home fast: than focus on getting a job, ASAP. Make it your number one priority. You have computer access and there are many job sites. Get some income. And if in school, continue. Make school work and getting to know others in your classes another number 1 priority.

Then, get out to some local lifestyle events ... meet others in the lifestyle... friends, not relationships .... you will find many have honor and integrity; so getting to know a few might help. Perhaps you even strike up a friendship that leads to a job opening. No promises, but you are networking and getting to know others.

Remember ... the more activities and goals you get into your life, the farther and more distant this her will be in your life. And your life is key ... NOT hers.

I wish you all the luck in the world ... but right now ... your hard work and effort to get out is all that will really help!





_____________________________

Got my second paddle! Finally! :-)

Heck I had one in 2010 .. now in 2013 another! Yes you can say, i am just a gifted slow learner!

(in reply to Neoseeker)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 3:07:48 PM   
metamorfosis


Posts: 1132
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Neoseeker
We hit it off well though it was sort of a long distance relationship. After a while she wanted me to move closer so i agreed.


It sounds as though you picked up and moved for someone you barely know.

quote:

I left my job, friends, and everything else to be closer to her (mainly because i just got out the military so I'm still on the GI bill).


Surely the GI bill has nothing to do with it. You made an impulsive leap of faith. You ought to ask yourself whether that was warranted, and what you might do differently next time. I would suggest at least having some sort of backup plan and the means to leave and support yourself, if needed.

quote:

I haven't been here long but once i got here i found out that she is with another man and has been for the last 12 years. I didn't even learn this from her. The man came to me because he wanted me to know, and also said this is normal behavior for her.


Remarkably, you don't seem terribly upset. That's more surprising than the fact that it happened.

quote:

She herself has said nothing on the matter of what i am to her even though he forced her to tell me after meeting up with the both of us. I'm really not ok with it, but i feel for her and decided to go with it.


At this point I'm wondering if you're just making this up. If what you say is true, your next move ought to be clear.

quote:

On top of that I'm kind of stuck here since i currently don't have a job yet. Her actions as of late has caused me to question just about everything and have caused me a lot of confusion.


They should.

quote:

I'm really not sure what i should do and the only reason I'm asking for advice here is because i can't tell her about it. If i do she will just get angry at me, not listen to a word i say then blow it off. She doesn't mention what i am to her to anyone, and she has bitched me out for both saying that i was dating her AND not saying i was dating her.


If you don't recognise that as red flag, I wonder if there's anything anyone can say that will make a difference.

quote:

There is no double standard in this relationship, which i'm very comfortable with, but I just don't feel like she feels the same way about me that i do about her.


What exactly are you getting out of all this? Dare I ask if you've given her any money?

quote:

If i sound like a whinny bitch then i apologize, i'm just afraid i'm going to invest to much into this and get hurt in the end.


Your story is difficult to believe. If this is true then, in my opinion, you need counseling, not a relationship. You won't be worth anything (at least not to anyone worth having themselves) until you develop self respect. Then again, if you're really content being used and played for a fool by someone who doesn't appear to care anything about you, then have at it, I guess.

There is no "correct" way to do BDSM. That said, you ought to ask yourself what's motivating your behavior. Are you getting anything of value out of these interactions, or are they just a comfortable way to reinforce a negative self image? Do you need meaning and purpose so badly that you'll do anything to get them, including imagining them where they do not exist?


< Message edited by metamorfosis -- 8/28/2013 3:32:35 PM >

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Pam (aka gungadin09)

Forum Freak

(in reply to Neoseeker)
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RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 3:25:29 PM   
Neoseeker


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/30/2013
Status: offline 		She sounds like a toxic relationship. But, I'll be honest and say you played a big part in this. You clearly didn't do any due diligence or dig very deep before you threw caution to the wind and gave up everything. You'll need to figure out why you did that and how not to make that mistake again before you go looking for another relationship.

[/quote]


I'm not denying that I made a mistake. I did it because i can afford the mistake and we had been dating for a bit (long distance but close enough to see each other). I didn't post this because i didn't think i did anything wrong. I posted this to 1. see if I'm just overreacting and 2. to get advice on the best course of action. I don't have anyone to turn to so should i stay until i can figure something or hit the ground running if i am indeed not overreacting.

Thank you for your comment :)

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 3:28:25 PM   
StrictlyADomina


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/11/2011
Status: offline 		The others have offered you excellent advise and you should take it. That is get out now. Cut your losses. Chalk this up to experience and move hastily on ward. I agree that you need to figure out why you dove into this with little knowledge of what was on the other end. Is this a pattern with you? If so seek some help with impulse control issues, or you will just repeat this same mistake again, and I'm sure you don't want that.

In the "for what it is worth" category, abusive relationships start out isolating you from your support systems. What could be better for an abuser to get a potential victim to move across country with no job or anyone to check them? Here is a link to an article written for females, but it has excellent information in it. http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/

Good Luck

(in reply to metamorfosis)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 3:29:13 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I just don't feel like she feels the same way about me that i do about her


I think that's the hardest thing to realize in the whole world.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/28/2013 3:53:52 PM >

(in reply to Neoseeker)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 3:47:13 PM   
Neoseeker


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/30/2013
Status: offline 		[/quote]
Here is a link to an article written for females, but it has excellent information in it. http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/how-abuse-begins/


You ma'am have officially scared the shit out of me...some of those examples were word for word

(in reply to StrictlyADomina)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 4:18:21 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I've read this thing twice and I'm not sure of what the problem is. It sounds like you're not happy with the situation with this person, so why not get out of the relationship? From what I've read here, the only thing holding you to the situation is your feelings for this person and from what you are writing here, I don't see a whole lot of reciprocation.

It's always important to remember that regardless of gender, orientation, or role, you have the right to leave any relationship that makes you unhappy. While I don't agree that just because you relocated to be with somebody makes for a toxic relationship, the fact that the person was dishonest with you does. I can't speak for anybody else but the "this is what she does" bit would have been enough for Me not to want the person in My life.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 4:26:56 PM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		She sounds like she is mentally ill. Pack those bags and go somewhere else. Leave her alone. Seek help for yourself. Or try calling 800-273-8255 it is a military crisis line. They should help get your head straight so you can make an informed decision. You don't have to mention lifestyle or anything...just you need help making a decision.

< Message edited by SweetAnise -- 8/28/2013 4:27:45 PM >

(in reply to Neoseeker)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 6:40:23 PM   
NiceButMeanGirl


Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		At the risk of sounding like a judgmental bitch, she is deceptive and a liar. And her man had to tell you about her lies and deception, so she had no intention of ever telling you herself. Plus, she apparently behave that way normally, so how can you trust anything she says to you now? Even if she could keep seeing him and you both, she can't seem to even run her own life right, would you honestly want her to lead in a dynamic with you? If there is any way at all to get out now, I would do so before you get into it any deeper than you already are.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.


(in reply to Neoseeker)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/28/2013 6:51:50 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		So she lied to you. She has a poly relationship and you're wired for mono. And she treats you like crap.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to NiceButMeanGirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/29/2013 7:23:08 PM   
StrictlyADomina


Posts: 103
Joined: 7/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

You ma'am have officially scared the shit out of me...some of those examples were word for word


I'm glad you looked over that. Well, yea, it seemed more than obvious to me what you were in a budding abusive relationship with an unstable person. Most every parish or county has a domestic violence program of some sorts, should you need them they can be easily found through the local police department.


Now that you know what type or situation you have landed in, what's your plan?

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/29/2013 9:25:11 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Neoseeker
You ma'am have officially scared the shit out of me...some of those examples were word for word

Good because it's pretty clear in this case you oughta be scared.

OK, that's the main point for you. But now some subtext in general. Be wary of lists like that... particularly in the kink community. Several of those things were direct from my marriage and it is one of the three most loving, happy, and connected marriages I personally know. Things can and do get a bit weird in some of the relationship patterns. Note, for instance, LP's comment about "everyone has the right to leave". For YOU that is an excellent comment but I know at least two very happy, very healthy, long-term marriages where that is not true.

Checklists like that are handy for getting a reference but in the end it's abuse if it's abuse. Carol does not feel abused ergo she is not. The women I know in the "cannot leave" marriages do not feel abused so they are not. YOU, however, DO feel that way you just don't want to admit it.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Neoseeker)
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RE: Scared, confused, and in need of advice. - 8/30/2013 1:10:03 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Good because it's pretty clear in this case you oughta be scared.

OK, that's the main point for you. But now some subtext in general. Be wary of lists like that... particularly in the kink community. Several of those things were direct from my marriage and it is one of the three most loving, happy, and connected marriages I personally know. Things can and do get a bit weird in some of the relationship patterns. Note, for instance, LP's comment about "everyone has the right to leave". For YOU that is an excellent comment but I know at least two very happy, very healthy, long-term marriages where that is not true.

Checklists like that are handy for getting a reference but in the end it's abuse if it's abuse. Carol does not feel abused ergo she is not. The women I know in the "cannot leave" marriages do not feel abused so they are not. YOU, however, DO feel that way you just don't want to admit it.

Legal right vrs M/s right. We could do a whole long thing on that and which takes precedence *if* a person wants to end a dynamic. (Might as well add that to My never ending list of reasons why I'm not on the s side of the slash because I'd be damned if I'm staying with anybody who makes Me miserable.)

I am with you on how to determine if a situation is abusive and that being the person/people in the relationship and not an outside party. I've heard some of the most ridiculous crap in these last few months about what some want to label as abuse that My eyeballs could float. Especially so when the people actually in the relationship are quite happy.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 20
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