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Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 8:53:28 AM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline 		Has anyone ever experienced being torn in two directions by the lifestyle? My vanilla world and my D/s world don't really mix outside of my relationship. In other words, I am both a typical soccer mom and an owned submissive in a BDSM style relationship. What I am wondering is how do you deal with the chance of those two worlds mixing together? My boyfriend and I have recently explored some more heavy kink and sex (no I am not going into specifics) that I recently have worried (I am a worrier BTW) could do just that in a very negative way. I have expressed my feelings with him and he said not to worry. I trust him but he is not the only person involved. Has this actually happened to anyone? If so, how did you deal with it?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:03:13 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Deal with it this way. Your mom had sex, and she had kids.

How that stuff happens, is how it happens. You turned out no more fucked up than the next kid, and they really dont care about your having sex.

You are mixing ds and vanilla or whatever you want to call it.

Don't analyze it, we will all be better off. Just go with what is and how it is, it's ok.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to subconfusedagain)
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RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:13:40 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Are you a single or married soccer mom? And if you are married does your husband know and accept?

It makes a big difference on the advice. If you are married, and in this relationship and it is unaccepted or secret= disaster.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:33:28 AM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline 		I'm not married. We live together with my children and there is nothing secret between us. That isn't what is bothering me.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:34:42 AM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline 		Yes, but if it got out that my mom had done some of the stuff I have I would be mortified. That is what is bothering me.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:40:44 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subconfusedagain
In other words, I am both a typical soccer mom and an owned submissive in a BDSM style relationship.


Were you under the impression that the rest of us live our lives dressed in leather, chained up with a big ole dog collar around our necks?

Most of us appear perfectly middle class vanilla to those who don't know. Other than an undercurrent of who is the leader in the relationship, there is absolutely no reason for those two worlds to "mix together", unless you do something to cause that to happen.

What happens in your sex life and the basis of your relationship dynamic is no one else's business. (And I feel that way, whether it's vanilla or kinky)


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
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RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:48:11 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subconfusedagain

Yes, but if it got out that my mom had done some of the stuff I have I would be mortified. That is what is bothering me.


As far as I ever want to know, my parents only ever had sex 4 times We are supposed to feel grossed out by the thought of our parents having sex, and I'm sure they'd feel the same about their grown-up children having sex.

We tend to think of our parents having pretty much lights-off, missionary-position sex and being horrified at anything different. But our generation did not invent anal sex, blow-jobs, spanking, watersports, bondage and all that other fun, kinky stuff. Seriously - our parents and grandparents were doing this stuff long before we were a twinkle in our parents' eye!

I'm sure your mother just wants you to have a fun, successful sex life. Something that you do that you enjoy, makes you and your partner happy and brings you closer together. I don't think she'd be that worried about the details, as long as it makes you both happy.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to subconfusedagain)
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RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 9:49:33 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Reading between the lines here seems like there are either pictures/videos etc of you or other people that can identify you - maybe a gang bang set up...? So what's more important to you? You not running into exposure or your kids? Maybe you should be more specific about what it is that is causing you to think twice.

I'd have picked my kids. I still would. If I had the body of a goddess and enjoyed doing porn films, I still wouldn't do them, because I wouldn't feel that I wanted to bring that exposure of my activities back on my family. However, I am a monogamous submissive and I have no problems doing that, privately, and if my kids find out about it (they're all adults) then so be it.

I find it interesting that you're afraid of exposure, but have a picture up of yourself on this site. Why the dichotomy?

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
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RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:10:18 AM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		I was wondering the same thing. Hard to imagine someone with
privacy concerns posting a face pic. And such a random face pic
at that.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:19:01 AM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline 		I debated putting a picture up but if someone was on this site who knows me then they already know about my relationship. Me being into a kinky sex life with my boyfriend isn't the issue in and of itself. All my girlfriends know I'm the wild one but just not how wild. I know it's hard to explain without more detail. I appreciate all the ideas and comments you all have made.

(in reply to Winterapple)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:20:41 AM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		Without detail advice can be given out of context.
Can you pinpoint the issue at hand?

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:29:39 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		Sometimes when one posts to a forum, we are looking for answers we probably already know inside, but we look for something someone says to change what we might feel shame for into something positive. If you are performing acts, that make you feel bad then its bad. Its not right for you or your situation. My view is also this, I don't care what a master says, if one cares for you, you express concerns about something, and you yourself are feeling bad about your acts, it doesn't matter if someone says don't worry. If what you are doing is effecting you, listen and take heed, Trust yourself.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:29:46 AM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

Reading between the lines here seems like there are either pictures/videos etc of you or other people that can identify you - maybe a gang bang set up...? So what's more important to you? You not running into exposure or your kids? Maybe you should be more specific about what it is that is causing you to think twice.

I'd have picked my kids. I still would. If I had the body of a goddess and enjoyed doing porn films, I still wouldn't do them, because I wouldn't feel that I wanted to bring that exposure of my activities back on my family. However, I am a monogamous submissive and I have no problems doing that, privately, and if my kids find out about it (they're all adults) then so be it.

I find it interesting that you're afraid of exposure, but have a picture up of yourself on this site. Why the dichotomy?


Yes, it's something along those lines and you are right, the kids come first, always. They are lucky I love them more then sex! LOL

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:34:18 AM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

Sometimes when one posts to a forum, we are looking for answers we probably already know inside, but we look for something someone says to change what we might feel shame for into something positive. If you are performing acts, that make you feel bad then its bad. Its not right for you or your situation. My view is also this, I don't care what a master says, if one cares for you, you express concerns about something, and you yourself are feeling bad about your acts, it doesn't matter if someone says don't worry. If what you are doing is effecting you, listen and take heed, Trust yourself.


What I have been doing in and of itself doesn't make me feel bad. As a matter of fact I really get off on it which is part of the problem as there is a huge stigma attached to it. I do feel like he has blown off my feelings a little bit but I don't want to nag (a big no no in my house).

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:45:08 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subconfusedagain

Yes, it's something along those lines and you are right, the kids come first, always. They are lucky I love them more then sex! LOL


Well then, you have your answer.
Seems like some things you do privately are within the parameters you have of your private self vs being a mom, and some things are not. Follow what makes you comfortable. I'm sure your partner will follow your lead when he understands how important it is to you. He says not to worry, but it's not the activities that are causing your fear, it's the fact of having it be public knowledge. I don't really see a way for you to be completely anonymous with the activities I mentioned. While you probably do trust your guy, he's not all powerful and can't protect you absolutely against exposure, I'm sure he'll understand that if you explain the source of your fear to him.

I'm a big proponent of kids always coming first myself. Shit happens, I think it's good you're thinking ahead. Others will feel differently and that's fine. I personally like to play things safe when it comes specifically to family exposure of my kink, which is to say I don't want anyone to know if possible. I'd need to be with someone that respected my feelings on that.

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 10:49:37 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		If you aren't hurting anyone, or yourself, then give yourself permission to be odd. We all are different. That's what makes life interesting. If you care what others think of you and cant express who you are, is life really worth that much. Just take precautions to try to ensure your kids don't have knowledge of it and your sex life is no ones business. DO as you wish but personally, I would not put a picture of myself on here. That is not a precaution, but that is only a personal opinion.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 11:15:33 AM   
Winterapple


Posts: 1343
Joined: 8/19/2011
Status: offline 		If you're doing something or thinking about doing something
that could put you at risk of losing custody of your children
I would say err on the side of caution. And there could be
people on here that know you but don't know you're kinky.
There are also people on here that you don't know now but
could run into in the future. The world can be a very small
place.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud




(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 12:31:51 PM   
subconfusedagain


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/29/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Winterapple

If you're doing something or thinking about doing something
that could put you at risk of losing custody of your children
I would say err on the side of caution. And there could be
people on here that know you but don't know you're kinky.
There are also people on here that you don't know now but
could run into in the future. The world can be a very small
place.


I didn't think about it in that way to be honest. Your probably right. I just figured no one would take me serious if I didn't have a picture.

(in reply to Winterapple)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 2:18:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We live together. We coparent as we each have kids from a previous marriage. I can promise you that him looking up at dinner and announcing I am never to buy Brussel Sprouts again has not given any of them a complex.

This being a small town, and him being a Scouting leader for ten years, and my son knowing every kid in town and then some, we did nothing publicly. I didn't want my son to be embarrassed in public or have his friends' parents announce their kids couldn't come here or vice versa.

But we're not into sharing to begin with.

If that is your most favorite thing, then I have no advice.
If you're fine without it, then buy a suitcase lock and play privately.

Or save up money and join a swingers group in a big city a couple of times a year.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Torn in two directions - 8/29/2013 2:23:17 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subconfusedagain
I have expressed my feelings with him and he said not to worry.

Wait.. slow down. You expressed your worries to him and he just totally invalidated them? Please tell me he did more than say "don't worry". Because honestly, as I try to discern what you're talking about there is a LOT to worry about. It's not like your fears are groundless. In some parts of the US this would be a great way to lose your children.

When Carol expresses real concerns to me I treat them seriously. Even when the concern is not well founded I don't just say "don't worry". I lead her down the path of understanding why the concern is not well founded. But I'd be the last person in the world to simply dismiss her entire emotional landscape with a wave of my domly hand.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to subconfusedagain)
Profile   Post #: 20
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