njlauren
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Joined: 10/1/2011
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I can't tell entirely from the OP whether the concerns are if someone found out her kids could be negatively affected (other people making fun of a 'weird' mom, or the scary thought of the douchebags they often have in children's services).
I can't speak for everyone, but there is always an element when you are different of fearing other people's reactions. It can be hard at times to reconcile the various facets we have in us, we are for example those middle class, soccer mom/dad parents, doing so much for our kids, and trying to get along in jobs and so forth....and then we have our other parts, the one that can be tied up and getting a vicious flogging, or getting all our holes filled up in a gangbang, the one that can dress up all slutty and doing all kinds of things...and we know this isn't what is 'acceptable' out there, and it causes conflict. My therapist (who was/is a scene person), said you can feel like you have a letter K on your forehead that tells everyone else "look, there goes a kinky bitch", it is self consciousness about being different.
Then, too, the same person the prior night who is getting heavy stuff done to her, the next day is singing a kid to bed at night, or is looking at a skinned knee or attending a parent/teacher conference...and it is like "how can I be these two people".
The answer is what my therapist told me, we all have roles, where we can be quite different. My therapist was a grandmother, mother of 4 kids, a caring therapist helping people through all kinds of shit, and yet she also could be out there at night finding some sweet young thing to corrupt....
The answer is those are all us, and it is perfectly fine, that the slut in the spike heels and mini skirt wearing person can be a guy talking about football with the guys in the office, it simply means we are all complex people.
I also understand fears of kids, even when they are grow up it is very uncomfortable to deal with sex and sexuality. My therapist had standing orders that if she suddenly passed away, she had a friend who would clean out her place before her kids got there, to get rid of certain things.....:).And yeah, parent sexuality is uncomfortable, but in reality all I can say is kids tend to look at us with the way we treated them, and even if they somehow found out mom was kinky or whatever, they will remember the other part:).
I am not saying don't be concerned about issues that could happen to the kids when they are living with you, it is prudent to try and keep it away from them and also to make sure it won't come out in a bad way, and I understand that feeling, been through it. I was there doubly so, having a relatively young son and transitioning, plus being into BD/SM, and one thing I can tell you is while it is wise to be cautious, a lot of the fears are well beyond the reality IME. Not saying throw caution to the wind, only telling you that a lot of the fears are our own self consciousness and such playing with our emotions, understandable, and it would be a pretty shitty mother or father who didn't think of the kids and the impact...but you also are a human being, and we sacrifice so much for our kids, but that doesn't mean we don't have our own needs and such> The kids come first, but that doesn't mean that in every instance of every time it is parents 0, kids everything:). You have to live too, and as long as what you are doing isn't foolishly impacting your kids, it is okay that your needs sometime take the front position. It probably won't be that many times, and it will be more than balanced out by everything else you probably do......
I am glad you are talking to your BF, the fact that you care means you are a good mom. My therapist always said you could tell a rotten parent, good parents are the ones who worry constantly if they are doing the right thing, they agonize, while the rotten ones are usually the ones who think they are great parents:)
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RE: Torn in two directions - 
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